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Thinking about breaking NC -- Genuine overture, or empty gesture?

AbeFroman

By AbeFroman
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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AbeFroman Member

AbeFroman

Posted
Posted (edited)

A little less than a month after initiating NC, I just received a birthday card from my ex-girlfriend, and am really conflicted about whether or not I should respond.

 

Basically, the salient points of her message were:

1.) I've been on her mind: quote, "To say I've been thinking a lot about you is a bit of an understatement."

2.) She'd like to take me out for my birthday and catch up.

 

Now, if circumstances were different than what they are, I would be absolutely ELATED with this kind of note.

 

But given what's transpired since we broke up in May, it's just unbelievably confusing.

 

1.) Following the break-up, contact between us was really limited-- I didn't want to pressure her, nor did I want to constantly subject myself to repeated rejection. I did, however, maintain an intense hope that we could get back together.

 

2.) Finally, I worked up the nerve to ask if she wanted to get together and possibly discuss our relationship. Her response? She promised to meet me when things "settled down" and then proceeded to summarily blow me off for 5 weeks. Ummm.... NOT COOL. Ultimately, my frustration about this particular point is what lead me to adopt NC.

 

3.) Since breaking up, she purchased a townhouse and moved, and didn't tell me about it. I realize that since we're no longer together, I really should have no beef with this, but it definitely sends a clear signal that I'm pretty much a non-factor when she's determining her future. A friend of hers accidentally spilled the beans on that one. Reportedly, she neglected to tell me so as to "spare my feelings", since we were planning on moving in together before she left me. I mention this, because I just can't comprehend the massive cognitive dissonance involved-- If she misses me, and I'm on her mind, why make these big, sweeping moves to exclude me from her life? As much as it hurts, I can accept that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend anymore... but it really messes with me when she expresses interest in me one second, and then avoids me the next.

 

4.) I don't believe she's being malicious-- she's genuinely a really decent, kind person -- but she's definitely trying to have it both ways, and I'm just not okay with that. She wants me involved peripherally in her life, but is unwilling to engage in any sort of real, tangible relationship. Text-messages, email, that sort of thing. Safe, convenient, bloodless, and not at all what I'm interested in.

 

 

5.) At the end of last month, I very civilly, politely and sweetly asked her to just leave me alone, so I could move on. And she agreed. But now this....

 

So....

 

Do you guys think the card is a genuine outreach, and possibly an indication that the door might still be cracked open?

 

Is she simply trying to be friends? (Which, if I'm honest with myself, is something I just can't handle.)

 

Or, is she just taking my temperature to make sure I'm still hung up on her, with no intention of following through on anything?

 

Either way, I'm definitely getting a sense that she's pretty deeply conflicted about how she feels about me.

So, should I risk acting on that, and hope whatever vestigial love she feels for me can resurface?

Or do I continue to maintain my distance and focus on getting over her?

 

I'm EXTREMELY tempted to respond to her with a civil "either be with me, or please leave me alone" letter, but I'm really concerned that I'll put myself right back in the thick of emotional turmoil if she rejects me again.

 

It's just so difficult to hear her tell me that I'm in her thoughts and she has a desire to meet me, when every other action she's made is ENTIRELY contradictory to that.

 

 

I hate to sound all suspicious and bitter-- I KNOW she's not a monster, and is most likely is just making a legitimate effort to be friends, but I'm understandably hyper-sensitive, and admittedly hanging on to the hope that we can work things out, perhaps despite my best interests.

 

Anyway, I'm honestly at a loss here.

 

 

 

What do you think I should do?

Edited by AbeFroman
Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

Posted
Posted

Well Bro, it sounds like YOU are still too emotional about her right now. You need to settle down a bit. It seems like you've been getting butt hurt about some of these issues, like the condo. Let that one go. She probably didn't want to open an old wound for you.

 

"I worked up the nerve to ask if she wanted to get together and possibly discuss our relationship". That was YOUR mistake bro. That is against one of the rules of trying to reconcile: do not bring up the relationship!! What did you expect her to do? You pushed her away with that one. That's done. Let it go.

 

"I'm EXTREMELY tempted to respond to her with a civil "either be with me, or please leave me alone" letter". NO!!! Never do that!! You have to play it cool. If you can't, then don't play. You also never tell them you won't be friends that it's "all or nothing".

 

So. To answer your question. She told you she's been really thinking about you and would like to meet. If you think you have put aside your emotions, then you might want to do that. If you're still wound up, then don't.

 

Instead of me going on and on here, go read the first page of this thread and I think that will give you a better grasp of the concept: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/ Keep us posted!

bbguy New Member

bbguy

Posted
Posted

I would have to say do not do it. I have been where you are, and I gave in. At frst it went well we were working on what seemed to be getting back together, and the bam she hits me with the I'm getting married. Thought she had never once said anythging about another guy. So I had my heart pulled from my cheast a second time and had to start all over again. So I would say its for your own good to just leave it be an move on.

Sorry I have to be such a downer but I think keeping the NC is for the best.

Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

Posted
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You're probably right BBguy. I've seen that happen many times, including to me. If he's still emotional about her it's probably not a good idea. However, if he is not that emotional about her anymore, then he may have the ability to handle it correctly. Still, you're right; he could be just headed for another heartbreak. For example, I am thinking clearly and not very emotional about my Ex since the past 5 weeks of NC. I'm also dating a couple of other women. I'm going to meet her and if it works into something fine and if not that's fine too. I would like to bang her some more, but at this point I'm not all head over heals for her so I don't really care that much either way.

lalalandman Established Member

lalalandman

Posted
Posted

nah dude, she just wants to prod into your life and find out what you've been up to. She's not trying to get back wit you, or she's not openly admitting it. She wanted to be in the dark, so let her stay in the dark.

edgeofdarkness Established Member

edgeofdarkness

Posted
Posted

they dont call it MANipulation for nothing.

Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

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I think given where your head is at, you probably should not meet her right now.

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AbeFroman Member

AbeFroman

Posted
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Hey guys -- I have to get through some meetings and stuff for work, but I wanted to check in real quickly and thank you for your responses.

 

Means a lot to me-- definitely appreciate it!

 

I'll sit down and put together a more well-thought out response once I get a free minute.

 

Thanks!

Monkeypants New Member

Monkeypants

Posted
Posted

Hey Abe,

 

I would listen to them... I have also gotten broad sided by meeting up w an ex when i still had feelings for them. However, I understand.

 

I have been a week in NC and she has been texting me none stop trying to tell me shes sorry... and i havent responded.. its not worth it.. but in those text she said she got the 2 tickets for us to a music fest thats in oct... and i thought about it and thought about texting her we will see... but i didnt..

 

that would break my NC.. and no doubt screw w my head.. im doing far too well to let her have any sort of control in my life

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AbeFroman Member

AbeFroman

Posted
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Posted (edited)

 

"I worked up the nerve to ask if she wanted to get together and possibly discuss our relationship". That was YOUR mistake bro. That is against one of the rules of trying to reconcile: do not bring up the relationship!! What did you expect her to do? You pushed her away with that one. That's done. Let it go.

 

As luck would have it, I actually kept my wits about me enough not to actually SAY I wanted to discuss our relationship. I just said I wanted to meet. I figured it'd be a bonehead idea to try and place any kind of concrete expectation on it. I have the occasional, rare moment of lucidity. :)

 

I think you may be right -- if I don't honestly think I can stay somewhat detached and objective about it, I think meeting her is a bad idea right now.

 

It's just not gonna work-- on *any* level -- if our feelings for each other are as lop-sided as they are now.

 

I may be deluding myself, but I do honestly get the impression she still loves me-- she's just not willing to DO anything about it.

At least not now.

 

Anyway -- here's my thoughts:

 

No matter what, I think the whole situation's gonna blow up in my face if I go in all vulnerable and insecure.

I need to be rockin' some confidence if and when I see her again.

Whether I want to get her back, or change my mind and decide to move on, I need to bring my A-Game if we're gonna have any sort of equitable relationship -- as lovers, or eventually friends.

 

So, I'm gonna take the weekend to think about it, and see how I feel on Monday before I do anything.

 

If I think I can project a cool, implacable exterior, I think I may agree to meet her.

But if I'm still feeling hesitant about it, I'll either continue the NC, or let her know I'm gonna need to take a raincheck.

 

Whattaya think?

Edited by AbeFroman
Silvio Member

Silvio

Posted
Posted

Im in a very similar spot as you. I want to do the NC very badly and I wish I could do it and stick with it. I think you should not meet her and not talk to her at all. She will either eventually come around or be gone from your life.

 

Its so easy to say but hard to do. When you love someone, not communicating with them seems so wrong. So unnatural. But I do agree thats its the right way to go. Good luck to you.

Sambo Established Member

Sambo

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think you've come a long way and your obviously a lot healthier then you where at the beginning of the break up but the problem is you risk falling back to square one.

 

Remember all the suffering she put you through and if you don't handle this right it could be back to the suffering stage for you.

 

Personally I would go in this case but I would be sure to have my mind clear and focused and re read the link that Don Ho posted above at least 10x.

 

Be COOL stay centered and be ready to walk away if things get emotional.

 

Remember the man she fell in Love with that's the man you must be again.

Edited by Sambo
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AbeFroman Member

AbeFroman

Posted
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Posted

Well, guys -- I've committed to myself to a decision.

 

I called and left her message today, asking her to meet next weekend.

 

I've been contemplating this really seriously for a long time, and I think this is something I simply have to do in order to move ahead with my life.

 

One way, or the other, I need to move forward, and I'm not going to be able to do that until I've given myself, and her, the opportunity to express a definitive hope for reconciliation, or give each other a true sense of finality, and a complete parting of ways.

 

Bottom line is -- I want to start building a LIFE. Something substantial and meaningful. Something permanent.

 

I want to give myself a chance to be in love again.

I want a healthy, supportive, fun relationship again.

I want to be happy.

 

I don't need to jump right into things immediately, but the last four months have really shown me that I'm finally ready to have a genuinely adult, committed relationship.

I'm tired of living like a kid. I want to be a grown-up, and love like a grown-up.

 

I want to plant some roots. I want to get married, and have a family.

And I'd like to do that with *her*.

 

And if it's not a possibility, I need to know that for certain, so I can put our relationship behind me, continue the positive progress I've been making, and give myself the opportunity to find real, lasting love with someone who's certain of their feelings for me.

 

I don't deserve any less.

 

Wish me luck!

Fruitpunch Established Member

Fruitpunch

Posted
Posted

Just dont ask her to talk about your relationship , or try and get her back. Or bring up the past.

She has to see a new you, so go into it like u are meeting her for the first time.

shiftedblue Established Member

shiftedblue

Posted
Posted

good luck with everything :o

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AbeFroman Member

AbeFroman

Posted
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Posted (edited)
Just dont ask her to talk about your relationship , or try and get her back. Or bring up the past.

She has to see a new you, so go into it like u are meeting her for the first time.

 

Now, this is where I get tripped up.

I kinda feel like NOT expressing my thoughts and plans for our relationship is partially responsible for getting me into this mess.

 

There's a big part of me that thinks that had I actually manned-up and talked about marriage and children -- something I want, but was too scared to bring up -- that I wouldn't be in this predicament. I honestly think that my reluctance to discuss those things is part of the reason she left.

 

Just seems so counter-intuitive not to be honest and forthright about how I feel.

 

I've been the no-pressure, "don't talk about the relationship" guy for 4 months now. I kinda feel like now's the time to grow a pair and just lay it all out on the table.

 

Am I wrong about that?

 

And thanks, Shiftedblue.

One way or the other, at least I'll know.

The way I see it -- I really don't have anything to lose.

Edited by AbeFroman
Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

Posted
Posted
Just dont ask her to talk about your relationship , or try and get her back. Or bring up the past. She has to see a new you, so go into it like u are meeting her for the first time.

 

I agree with Punch. You are thinking like the AFC (average frickin chump), trying to rationalize why you should profess your love and so on. Wrong move. SHE should be the one telling you want she wants and telling your SHE wants a relationship with you or wants to try again. To me it's the WOMAN that lets the man know she's interested and the WOMAN that tells the man she would like to be exclusive or a guy's GF. I KNOW you will think this is totally backwards, but that's how you want it to go down if you want a relationship to work.

 

Remember, it does not matter how much YOU love her or want her, it only matters how much SHE feels for you. Yes it seems counter-intuitive to do what Punch and I suggest. NO, I do not think you should lay it out on the table. That doesn't make you look stronger, it makes you look weaker. Weak -> less attraction on her part. Go read the first page of this thread ten times: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/ if you want to understand what to do and how to act when you meet them with the attempt to "reconcile".

  • 4 weeks later...
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AbeFroman Member

AbeFroman

Posted
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Just wanted to follow up...

 

Well, my ex and I ended up meeting this Sunday.

 

Long story short -- she loves me.

And I love her.

 

We talked for seven hours, made-out like goofy teenagers, and I have a date with her this weekend.

 

We're going to take it slow and see how things go, but both of us are remarkably hopeful for the future. If things look sustainable, and we're feeling happy and healthy, we're enrolling in couples counseling, just to make sure we don't fall into old patterns and end up hurting each other again.

 

But I have to tell you-- in my case, the whole "play it cool, stay detached" strategy was utter HORSESH*T.

 

I was confident, I was resolved, I was positive, but I was HONEST.

 

I told her exactly where I stood, exactly how I felt, and exactly what I wanted from her, and IT WORKED.

 

I deeply, deeply appreciate all the advice you guys lent me, and I profoundly appreciate the outpouring of support and kindness, but ultimately, I'm SO GLAD that I went with my gut and stayed true to my instincts.

 

I took everyone's message to stay strong, focused, and objective, and mixed it with my own gut-feeling to take a risk, and I'm unbelievably happy I did.

 

I'm not certain it would work for everyone, but in my instance, holding back felt like a disingenuous, cowardly thing to do, so I just went for it. And so far, it has payed off in spades.

 

The communication between us since then has been sweet, thoughtful, open, and entirely positive.

 

We're both cautiously optimistic, but it's crystal clear to me that we both have every intention of making things work.

 

 

Who knows? It may blow up in my face, but I really don't think it will.

 

Anyway-- I just wanted to thank you again for reaching out to a stranger.

But I also wanted to let everyone know that sometimes, honesty really is the best policy.

 

Again, I'm not suggesting my course of action is a smart move for everybody-- but if you can get some distance and gain some perspective and your heart is STILL telling you not to play games, DON'T.

 

Stay strong, stay committed to nurturing your OWN happiness first, but if you *really* think you need to tell that person how you feel-- DO IT.

 

Sometimes, life is too damn short, and love is too damn rare and precious to mess around with.

 

If you truly believe you're doing the right thing, if you're not doing it out of desperation, or selfishness, and you really think you can still love and trust that other person-- LISTEN TO THAT IMPULSE.

 

Even it completely implodes, at least YOU'LL KNOW.

 

So yeah-- that's my $.02.

 

I know I'm probably the exception, but if a dork like me can win by avoiding the head-games and being honest, maybe some one else can too.

stopthemadness Established Member

stopthemadness

Posted
Posted (edited)

Wow .You went back. Good luck, Ive been N/C with my ex for 27 days. I still have bad days. Mornings really, but i get through them. Am NOT going back this time. 8 years of off and on was enough for me. oh yea he trys to call for dumb reasons. But I dont take his calls and dont answer his emails. When you,ve had enough, you,ll know. Just think about it 8 years! Let us know how it turns out yea.....

Edited by stopthemadness
Don Ho Established Member

Don Ho

Posted
Posted
Just wanted to follow up...We talked for seven hours, made-out like goofy teenagers, and I have a date with her this weekend. But I have to tell you-- in my case, the whole "play it cool, stay detached" strategy was utter HORSESH*T. I was confident, I was resolved, I was positive, but I was HONEST. I told her exactly where I stood, exactly how I felt, and exactly what I wanted from her, and IT WORKED. I took everyone's message to stay strong, focused, and objective, and mixed it with my own gut-feeling to take a risk, and I'm unbelievably happy I did. I'm not certain it would work for everyone, but in my instance, holding back felt like a disingenuous, cowardly thing to do, so I just went for it. And so far, it has payed off in spades.

 

Awesome Bro, I hope you two can work it out. Ok, you have her re-interested, but I think 7 hours is WAY too much and you need to cut back on your contact in that regard. I think you need to hold back a bit so you can maintain her interest. I know it's going very well, let's not over do it in the beginning.

 

Now lets not mislead other LS members that are in a similar situation as you. Some may take your response as a sign to break NC or not go NC which I think is an error. I hope you're not saying NC is total HORSESH*T. Because you did go NC, became less emotional, got your thoughts together, gave her some time and space to think, gave yourself time to heal. You were confident, resolved, positive and honest. That is the mental state you should have been in. Good job.

 

No one said you have to continue NC forever. At some point, some people may want to attempt to meet or reconcile with their Ex. My thought is DO NOT try too early. You did say

I've been the no-pressure, "don't talk about the relationship" guy for 4 months now. I kinda feel like now's the time to grow a pair and just lay it all out on the table.

So you were NC for sometime or for about four months? Like I said, nothing wrong with attempting to re-connect with an ex AFTER some time of NC and AFTER you have your emotions in check, you have worked on yourself, you have a clear head and so on. For most people, reconciling is not going to work. I would not want other members to have a false hope they can have NC for a month or two, profess their feelings and have it work out.

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AbeFroman Member

AbeFroman

Posted
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You're absolutely right. Had we not been apart for a while to clear our heads, sort our priorities out and have time to miss each other, there's NO WAY it would have turned out well.

 

It would have been ugly. Really ugly.

 

NC enabled both of us-- me, in particular -- the time we needed to work on ourselves, think things out clearly, and decide if we were just lonely, or really wanted to be together.

 

I think you're 100% on the money about that.

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