nineyearsgone79 Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Hey guys.. I'm having a REALLY tough time tonight really really having urges to contact my ex who broke up with me almost 1 year ago (in 5 days). I don't know what to do i have all of this nervous energy i think it is because of this horrible anniversary coming up. For some weird reason I'm pasting his break up emails to me. There was the initial one on aug 25. He told me not to contact him and i did... for 3 months. We had been together long distance 9 years .. and he did not give any sort of explanation. I had been really depressed during that time. I think a lot of that depression stemmed from the fact that I saw all of my friends being married off or at least with their guys. After so many years I was down that we were still across the country from one another and let this drag me down. I never gave him an ultimatum and let time pass. Eventually this frustration did come out at him at times. I understand now why I felt that way. It wasn't until he broke up with me did i really realize the root of this frustration. Anyway.. he finally did write back to me the day before thanksgiving explaining why he broke up with me.. again saying not to contact him. I just duno .. i have been doing really really well. I joined the gym and lost 25 llbs. I have made tons of new friends and just in general feel really happy and content. I wish he didn't have this bad image of me. Anyway.. I just wish he could somehow see how well i'm doing and I wish he would be open to some sort of friendship. Despite how things went down hill at the end of our relationship .. we did make so many wonderful memories together and did care about each other. I miss this person who was my best friend for 9 years.. Anyway.... is it hopeless to want friendship still. I thought I'd put all of my feelings out here instead of in a letter to him.. i'm feeling very emotional this evening with the 25th lingering in my head. ----- The first letter: Subject: I haven't called, but I'm alive I haven't written or returned your calls because I needed time to think about what I need to say to you. I have decided that I need to end this relationship. We've tried and tried to find our way, and it's apparent to me that this is not working, and that it's never going to work for me. I want to find happiness in my life, and in order to do that, I've decided to move on. I know this hurts. It hurts me too, but it would hurt more to drag the inevitable on. I hope you find the happiness you deserve in your life, but it can't include me. I think it is best that this is the end. I will not be contacting you, and would appreciate you not contacting me, as it will only hurt more. That's something I don't want to do. We just both need to move on. ------ The first letter: Subject: Thankful You are right. You do deserve closure. No matter what I say, it's not going to make things all better. I don't really think there's a right way to do it. It's something I've never had to do....and it was the hardest decision I've ever made. And that's a fact. I hated having to make that decision. That night was the first time I'd cried in front of my Dad since my grandfather's funeral. I felt like the worst person ever. The letter was cold and blunt....and it was very painful to send. I knew it would hurt both of us. But I was afraid that if I had gotten too detailed (which I had in the long-winded first drafts), then I would just be bringing up more things to be hurt about. Opening a can of worms. I can't take the pain away from what I wrote, but now that quite a bit of time has passed, I feel I'm at a place where I can articulate my feelings more clearly. You are someone I've cared very deeply for...for a long, long time. You can say it was lust, but I know it was far more meaningful than that. The things I'd made, the inside jokes and language we'd created, projects we'd brainstormed, our experiences, our adventures....those things were definitely not grounded on sex. They are memories that will always be important to me.They belong to us, and no one else. I don't want to throw them away...even if it hurts to think about them right now. Joel, from Eternal Sunshine, wanted to erase Clementine...but realized in the process that if he deleted her, he'd be deleting a huge part of himself. Even though it's the negative things that led me to my decision, it's the positive things I'd like to remember. But it's both the good and the bad that have made us who we are. I feel terrible for hurting you, and I've written, deleted, and re-written response letters to you. But I know that I have to find a way to closure. A while back, we had a long discussion about the direction of things. You said that if we broke off our relationship, that a friendship would be impossible. The thought of that made me really sad. There were some definite tears after that conversation. I didn't like the idea of not being able to speak with you, or share things with you. No matter what issues I'd had with our relationship, I always clung to the good memories, or the valuable things I'd learned from you. I had hope that those things could continue. But after a while, the issues were growing, and my grip on the happier things was beginning to slip. I know that compromise is a part of being in a relationship. I knew that we would both have to make changes in ourselves in order for things to work out. But, I didn't see those changes happening for either of us. Love shouldn't be conditional, and friendship shouldn't be that complicated. I didn't bring up specific reasons in my e-mail, because I felt I'd already discussed these things with you many times before. I had been able to find ways to overlook the things that bothered me...for years. I'd make excuses. I'd blame myself for being overly sensitive about it. Or I'd blame myself for the way I'd treated you early in our relationship. I felt bad for being far away. I excused things you said or did...even after I'd told you they made me uncomfortable, and you continued to do them. Resentment gradually began to build (and I sensed it coming from the other side as well). I'm really not sure how detailed I should get with this. So, with the risk of sounding "mean" or "judgmental", or possibly making things worse....here goes..... Spilt milk. Any mistakes I had made were always rehashed by you. I did what I could to apologize or change so that I wouldn't repeat those mistakes...but they would still be brought up time and time again. Didn't matter how long ago they were. I can't go back and change those things. I screwed up, and the most I could do is learn from what I had done wrong. Beating a dead horse is just stressful and exhausting. In regards to the way I treated you at the beginning of our relationship...I was a jerk. You did deserve better treatment. You should have punched me in the face back then. I've apologized...but clearly nothing I did could ever make up for it. I will always be guilty. Calling repeatedly. I know that there were times when i didn't answer the phone right away. But there was never any reason to call 8 times in a row...or sometimes even more. I'd look at my phone and see all those missed calls. I'd call you back, concerned, only to find out it wasn't an emergency. I told you I'd call back when available, and to not call so many times in a row....but this issue would come up time and time again. There were also times when you wouldn't let me off the phone. If I had a project to work on, or some things to do with my family, you either called me a little boy, or had me take the phone with, or you tried to find ways of making me feel guilty for hanging up. Your tenacity is unreal. I understand that in certain situations, this is a valuable quality. But in the case of our friendship....trying so hard to keep me close only pushed me further and further away. Social life. It had been six years since I'd seen my old friend X. I had visited you twice already that year (2007), and figured it wouldn't be so bad to go hang out with him for a couple days. I didn't realize that this visit would be used as ammunition against me later on. In fact, any time I spent with other people, or any money I'd spent on myself became an issue. You would tell me that I could have used that money to come see you. Or you'd say "must be nice" if I went to a movie or something. Between that and the multiple calls, I felt stifled. I wasn't going to not enjoy myself just because I was far away. There was often a lot of guilt that followed any fun I had. (Girls Name). It was several years ago. Nothing did, or was ever going to happen between us. You told me you were uncomfortable with her being my friend, so I stopped hanging out with her, and broke of contact. I felt like a jerk, but you were more important to me. The End. .....but this whole thing was brought up so many times, I can't even count. And every time, I felt terrible about it. Then there was an issue, not long ago, over an innocent myspace comment conversation between myself and a fellow airplane passenger. You could see the whole convo right there in the open...yet you still found reason to be suspicious, and grilled me over the whole thing. It was such an eye-roller for me....because there was nothing to worry about. You evidently didn't trust me very much. That made me sad. (Name of ex girlfriend). Having to constantly retell intimate details of my time with (name of ex girlfriend) was something that made me uncomfortable. I was open enough to share it, and I figured once was enough. But I kept having to go over it step by step. You're right... I did speak badly of her long ago. I was bitter and hurt, and that was how I dealt with it. Probably not the best way, but I felt the need to vent...and eventually got over it. It had nothing to do with a hatred of women. I don't hate women. I don't hate Jen. I don't hate you. Double standards. If you had something that you wanted me to see...I had to watch immediately. Yes, there were times when I was busy, and reluctant, but I always gave in eventually. You don't exactly take no for an answer. But I appreciated what you had to share. My e-mails, however, would remain unread....links unviewed. I just wanted to connect with you. You often put me on the spot by grilling me about what my goals and dreams were. The silly little things I tried to share with you were examples of what interested me...things I cared about. It seemed that my interests no longer interested you, and my sense of humor was no longer funny. Vengeance. I felt uncomfortable with the way you spoke of strangers, or your friends, your family and yourself, when things weren't going your way. I have been very angry at people in my life, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish bad things upon them. But at some point, I realized that holding that grudge wasn't going to fix anything. No matter how hurt I was, I'd get over it eventually. And if the other person is so terrible, they'll get what's coming to them sooner or later. Wasting my time plotting against them isn't worth it. And wishing harm is something I really don't believe in. Death is serious. To hope someone dies is something I find to be utterly disgusting (unless they actually killed someone). You said it many times, and I couldn't stand it. I told you this. You disregarded my feelings on the issue, and continued to say these things. I can't express how deeply that offended me. There was a quote I once heard: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies." Personally, I think it makes your heart dry up. And that seems to be what happened, because eventually, you began wishing death upon yourself. I didn't know how serious you were about this, but I had to take you seriously. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with this sort of thing. Do I contact your parents....or a professional? Try to reason with you? It's some pretty heavy stuff to process. You seemed like you had given up. Even if it seems that I've thrown you away....I would never wish harm upon you....and most certainly never death. Friends or not...I'm thankful that you exist. I believe you have a lot to contribute to the world -- as do the people you've wished dead. I feel this is becoming a laundry list. I don't want it to be that. I just want to give you the opportunity to understand why I had difficulty dealing with our relationship. It got to a point when I felt that I couldn't tell you things: spending time with family, spending money on small enjoyments. I hated feeling like I had to keep things from you. When I couldn't be myself around you, I knew things weren't going to work....and that we probably wouldn't be able to be friends anymore. The last time we spoke, I told you I was spending time with my sister, working on a painting with her, for her birthday. You got quiet. I asked what was wrong. "Nothing. ...It's just you're a horrible person. That's all." At that point, I was pretty much done. Later in our conversation, you told me I was the main source of unhappiness in your life. I just really didn't know how to respond. I apologize if I was ever impatient with you when trying to explain things. I'm sorry if I was reluctant to take advice at times. I'm sorry if I ever urged you to do anything that made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. I'm sorry for being distant. I'm sorry for hurting you. There is only one (My Name). You are a one of a kind original. Your wit and creativity are unmatched. You enlightened me, educated me, challenged me, influenced me, inspired me, impressed me, and made me laugh, even when I wasn't in the mood. No matter what, I'm still proud of you for your accomplishments. I look up to you for your drive and talents. You are one of the teachers that sits inside my brain and informs the decisions that I will make in my life. Even though there are definitely times when I see cool links that I'd love to share with you...or movie recommendations....or funny stories to tell.....I know it's best not to. I don't see us having a healthy, happy friendship at this point. I'm just not able to do it. It hasn't been easy for me, but I know it's the right thing. I'm not writing this letter to hear from you again. Your recent responses have only cemented the feelings I've had for quite a while now. It's more of the same extreme ups and downs that I experienced in our friendship. It's the same reason I haven't answered the phone. I feel that you are someone whose moods are unpredictable, and you're difficult for me to reason with. No more interrogation. No more defensiveness from either of us. No more being put on the spot, or grading my feelings on a scale of 1 to 10. I don't want to be bullied about my weaknesses, brow-beaten for my decisions. No more being manipulated, or guilt-tripped, or controlled. No more being called old man or little boy or gay. I'm tired of the constant drama and stress. Please don't spend your hard-earned money to make a trip here. Don't show up to my parents' house uninvited. I don't think that meeting up somewhere is the right thing to do. Seeing you would be too hard...and I have no intention of doing so. The things I gave to you, or made for you were gifts. I do not want them back. It would be just as painful for me to have them. They are yours. What you do with them is your business. I wish there were a perfectly smooth and positive resolution, where we can both go on with our lives, unscathed...but it's going to hurt no matter what. I can't tell you how to feel. I can only tell you how I feel. I don't regret our relationship at all. I do wish you happiness. Those are my words. If my Mom or sister said anything similar...it may have been because I told them what I wrote to you. I told them you were unhappy...so wishing you happiness is a natural response. I did ask them for guidance, just as you have with your friends. But in the end, whatever I've done....has been my decision. My time with you has and always will be important to me. I sincerely want the best for you....whether you believe that or not. Forget about you? I never will. Please have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.
skydiveaddict Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) I know how you feel. It;s been a year for me too and I am still crushed. I guess it remains to be seen for both of us how long it will take to heal. who knows? Edited August 20, 2010 by skydiveaddict
Author nineyearsgone79 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Aw thanks! Yeah.. it's just terrible isn't it!! I feel like I am a completely different person than I was a year ago today. I admit i was very depressed.. I had to move back home for financial reasons and was in a relationship with someone i did care about but felt frustration with. I wanted a normal relationship where we lived in the same place. Two years prior I asked him if he wanted to live in the same place and he said he didn't know.. that broke my heart 7 years in. He ended up visiting and decided he still wanted to be with me. When we had time in person it was wonderful.. it was when we were apart that it grew difficult. I just wish he could see me how i am today. I AM a happy person (aside from tonight thinking about him.) I miss him so much.. I wish you only were given so many tears.. so they would eventually run dry.
skydiveaddict Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I wish you only were given so many tears.. so they would eventually run dry. Me too.............
Beeotch Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) I think you need to let yourself off the hook....and then him I noticed that you said that you wish he didn't see you in a bad light. Based upon his email, it doesn't seem like he does. It seems like he has honestly come to realize that things will not work out and decided to end it. He wasn't rude and did not bash you and try to make you feel horrible. I remember when my ex and I broke up....EVERYTHING he said that did not involve saying "Let's get back together" seemed horrible, mean and sometimes even dumb to me lol (Granted, some things were) but after time passed and I read over some convos or thought about them, I realized he was right and I too came to the SAME conclusions. At the time though, I didn't want to hear it. I turned everything into a blame game or tried to corner him into admitting all these absurd things, to the point he just started to tell me what I wanted to hear so I would STOP! Based on your email to him. You have a LENGTHY list of complaints about every single thing you disliked and you pretty much have it spelled out for you of why you guys are not that great and why that relationship was not the best The only difference is that he has admitted it and decided to do something about it by moving forward whereas I dunno...you have listed it all out, but what is it that you still desire? It's good to ask yourself these questions because sometimes we run like a chicken with our head cut off when we need to stop and really think about things. I KNOW the feeling of wanting to be friends etc. But that feeling is very illusory. I had an ex, who was LD who randomly stopped speaking to me for a year (well it wasn't completely random, as many times I had said we should end things, as we both KNEW we would have to). Like your ex, he took the high road and just cut it off. I was hurt, pissed off, upset, emailed him a lengthy email etc. No response. Eventually I moved on and got with my most recent ex. A year later the old ex resurfaced and pretty much explained things in a similar manner like your ex. He said he thought it's be better if he fell off the face of the earth as if we continued being friends his feelings would grow more and vice-versa, it hurt him, he thought about me everyday but he had to. Today, it makes perfect sense to me. I did get over him! It was for the best and now we're cool. I will always have love for him, he's a great guy BUT that relationship wasn't meant to be. Point is: LISTEN to your ex. He has not left you hanging. He has told you the truth. It is now up to you to let him and yourself off the hook. There is no more closure to be had, except from within your own self. If a friendship is to occur, trust me, the universe is listening and as long as you continue to want this person in an unhealthy way and you're still upset and all this...it will never occur! As for him seeing you happy, happiness is NOT a badge you need to wear to show others. Something does not add up. If you are truly happy then you'll be happy....it goes out on the universe. He will be happy for you. There is no need to say "Look at me, look at me ex, I am happy"...that is not normal.It is truly once you start moving on with your life and don't care either way anymore and are mostly healed, that things get resolved. The beauty is that you will be surprised that once you start healing, it is not a huge deal whether or not you're friends or you will see things align where he naturally resurfaces and you can be cool. You still have work to do, don't worry, you'll get there. But getting to a point of happiness without him having to see will be the mile marker for you Edited August 20, 2010 by Beeotch
Author nineyearsgone79 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Thank you .. You are right about me needing to let myself off the hook. I still feel very guilty like I became someone I didn't even know and pushed away a really great person. I really loved him and thought he was the one. He was always the person there for me full of love and comfort. For some reason the past week or two have been a little harder.. i think it is the aug 25 coming up. .. realizing he's not returning. It's so dumb how you hold out hope. I know it's pointless but for some reason it's so hard to let those tiny threads go. I'm scared to think that one day I will forget his voice.. or what his face looked like ya know? I can't even believe it's been a year. The funny thing about Long Distance relationships is.. no matter how long we had been apart when we saw each other in person again it was as if time had stood still. I just don't understand how he was able to move on so easily. This experience had me totally re-evaluate my life and what I wanted. He was able to move on so easily and effortlessly it seemed. I'm worried he has forgotten me. I don't know why I should worry about that .. i know it's not my business. .... but i feel like so much energy and emotion was put into this relationship to watch it become a faint memory. It just makes me sad thinking about it. I know I need to take control and just "get over it'... man it's hard. I know I am doing better.... a step forward each day. Writing on here has helped me millions. I don't know how many more letters I would have sent him.. if it wasn't for this site and for wonderful caring people like you guys!!
Beeotch Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I will NEVER tell someone to "just get over it"....that is some bullshyt (pardon my French ). I went through the same process, so I know that it is after all a PROCESS. I can only offer words of advice that I accumulated from experience on my journey to give insight and hope. The thing is, we're taught to love with attachment and attachment hurts. Hardly anyone loves unconditionally where it doesn ' matter if the person is with them or not, most people "love" only if the person is dating them or they can possess that person. One of the biggest lessons I learned was that, real love is unconditional and I don't have to love from a place of scarcity where I am trying to hold on and own this person. I can love you even if you're with someone else....it is freeing. Love is love is love and it is never lost and always comes back to you. You'll continue to have hope, until you get to a point where you see the journey as more than about that person. My honest experience was that my breakup started a spiritual journey and a journey of self discovery for me where I truly realized it was a catalyst for me to learn so much about myself and life on a deeper level. When I realized that I saw so much truth and realized that all forms of trauma are an opportunity to GROW. If it is only about this other person, you never get far. You also may "get over them" in that you just form a "new" relationship, which is really just old patterns repeating, if your outlook has not changed. The best thing you can do I realize is to grow for yourself....admit your pain, hurt and all those nasty emotions then figure out what to do with them. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you find a better way and you get liberated and the world seems BRAND NEW I don't think my heart can ever be shattered again as I have learned all this...and I realize 98% of the pain stems from you and not the other person. Ohhhh: all endings are new beginnings. It is scary but true! It is always melancholy to leave one part of your life behind and that is part of it, you consider the years and you feel guilt about letting go, you feel scared to think it can become "meaningless". NEVER! Not because something did not last forever, doesn't mean it didn't matter. You can NEVER forget your ex and he cannot forget you. You learned something from each other and you were the right thing for him at the time as he was for you. We GROW and change in life and then sometimes we need something else. My aunt was married for 12 years....they divorced and she has been happily married to someone else for 11 years now She says she still loves her ex husband, he was her first love and they have a son together BUT now on her journey, someone else is more suitable for her and she is as happy as ever with him. Those former 12 years were not a waste or meaningless....they taught her a lot I am sure and she has great memories, but now she is living life making MORE memories. You go from kindergarten, to elementary, middle, high, college....each stage was good for you at the time. You learned a lot and at the time you knew nothing else. It was scary to switch schools and grow up, but who would truly want to go back to being in kindergarten now? Mostly no one, you outgrew it and your other experiences were RIGHT for you That is how I see it. I just graduated from college. LOVED IT! Was a blast, I say I want to do it over, but I'm only exaggerating as to do that all over now that is done makes no sense...it is TIME for me to move forward to grad school and NEW experiences that will be wonderful. My past ex, loved him to bits, thought he was the greatest....I still smile at memories, but I can't date him again, I outgrew it. It was great at the time but I need something else. My most recent ex, I am at that place too. Our situation is very atypical I think, but in short, I do believe we can work out if he grows BUT I am not tied to that outcome and thinking of dating him as he is or going back to "the good ol' days" I can't....I grew in a year and a half and it won't work for me. Sooo yea...I understand but once you actually step out there, it isn't so scary. You can keep the memories but when you're HEALED you actually CRAVE new levels and new experiences. Growth is inevitable and delicious!
Author nineyearsgone79 Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 I am looking forward to new experiences and making new memories.. and I know it's hard to not analyze those letters in a bias light.. which exagerates certain things to me that an unbiased person might not. The only thing I wish he had not done in that letter is close the door to any future contact. I completely understand looking back now the need for space and detachment and a period of NC. However, hearing from someone that you loved that they do not want to hear from you ever again is still wrenching. People DO change a lot in their life I agree. He however, is closing the door on even the possibility of any friendship 1 year later, 10 years later, 50 years later. That was what was so hard for me. The funny thing is he mentioned in the letter that in the past I have said a bad thing or two when I have been wronged... however I have never dropped off the earth from someone like he did. I would feel to guilty for hurting them like that. It was like the carpet was pulled out and for a while I was just in plain shock. He is a person of his word.. so I know that he never will contact me. If he was so unhappy with me why did he even stay with me for so long ya know? I don't think i'm a monster.. I'm just a person who really did love him .. I do still feel love for him. He mentioned also in his letter that "my most resent responses cemented his feelings." That frustrated me because I wrote him for months positive letters... asking to just talk and discuss things. Eventually I grew so frustrated not hearing anything back I wrote him saying that he was an uncaring person. I said that he was being a coward for not facing me and just telling me... that I would have understood. To me it might hurt to break up .. but there is a humane way to do it. Anyway.. rambling now. I really do appreciate your letter and know letting go is a process. I am working through it. It's those waves of emotion that just sweep in out of nowhere that stink. I'm so happy though at least that I didn't write him tonight. Man I wish he could feel how hard this is. The people who do the breaking up really luck out.. the others not so much. I feel like they leave us with a broken down house that needs to be put back together. :/
Beeotch Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I personally believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes people play a part in a process that they had no way of intentionally seeing. You only see the sense in it all in hindsight. You have no way of knowing how that person feels....just because they aren't saying anything to you, doesn't mean they don't care. Which is even more so why you can't focus on this person. THEIR life's lessons and journey are for THEM. What you're meant to learn and do is for YOU. You don't know their feelings or the role they have to play and they don't know yours either, so you can only focus on what you know for a fact; you. The broken house you have has nothing to do with that person is what my entire point is. We come into this world alone and truly, no one owes us anything. We have to make our own happiness and it is our perception of things that affects our life. The broken house you now have is yours to fix. That's the point I truly have come to realize; a break up often throws a wrench into the gears to stop it so that you can see YOURSELF. But people get caught up in blaming the other person, thinking the other person is happy, thinking the other person is evil, expecting answers from the other person and the list goes on, it never ends because it ISN'T the other person. We give this other person so much power that they never asked for...they NEVER said they wanted that power, we're the ones who sit down and make up all these stories and theories and focus on them as the problem as well as the solution. But they aren't. Honestly ask yourself what can he REALLY do now or could have done to change things? If he said "We can't be friends now but maybe 10 years from now" would you feel better? I don't know if this will make sense to you now...but hopefully one day soon it does. When I stopped looking at my ex's flaws and realized hey, he played a part in something that HAD TO occur. I let him and myself off the hook to learn what I needed to learn. The funny thing is, wouldn't it suck if this person sees the BIGGER picture and is trying to learn about himself and get better and move forward and you spend years still blaming him or wondering about him, never seeing the broader perspective? That thought alone helped me to change my focus....it takes time but you'll get there if you so desire.
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