My update with the ex. Thoughts?

[lullaby]

Hi all! Maybe some of you will be interested in this, some won't, but here goes my update.

 

There have been tons of discussions regarding NC and LC here on LS, and let's face it, both are painful, unless you're having LC and surely getting back together.

 

For me, NC was possible during the first month after the break up, till he reappeared. During that month, I cried my heart out, didn't eat much, lost weight and was a disaster really. But I could recover from that.

 

Then we started having LC, we would talk on the phone once in a while, we would meet for coffee, or send silly texts wishing good luck for exams and so on.

 

During that time, I didn't realize I was still healing. I mean, I realize now that even if I had LC with him, it was not that we were getting back, so I continued working on me. I got a new job, reconnected with old friends and started going out more. I even got interested in reading books I never thought I would read in my life.

 

The effect of that is that I'm different now. Not because he would have liked me to be different, I simply changed and noticed I had other side of me, more deep and profound.

 

I had decided to stop having LC with him last week, I had not liked his handling the situation with my grandpa. He texted and I said what I felt. So what happened? he showed up at my place on Tuesday. He said he was sorry for his behavior, and I told him I was done playing games, that I was fed up.

 

He suddenly started crying, and my God! It was the second time I saw him crying and believe me, he's not that a good actor.

 

So we talked about stuff, about our relationship, and mentioned the possibility of getting back together some time. We're not over the break up yet and there's still more work for us to do. He didn't say 'I want to get back with you', and I didn't say it either, I certainly won't jump right back in, but we both agreed that there was more for us to do on our own, that our relationship had been too much too soon.

 

I'm rediscovering myself, and he noticed I had changed. I noticed he changed too and I hope it is for the best.

 

So yeah... I may be making a mistake, call me naive, stubborn, stupid, but I can't let him go. It's not that I'm getting my hopes up, I'm not settling, I just know I once was in his position with my previous ex, and he never waited or understood. I had made a mistake and he never forgave me for it.

 

I do want to move on, but move on from the relationship we had, from the fights we had, for the tough moments, not the great ones of course! but I don't want to move on from him. And even though I don't know what will happen, at the same time, I know that as long as I'm sure of what I want and need, it's all gonna be ok.

 

Either way, I'm still going to go out, still opening my horizons, and trust me, I am. I guess I can finally be ok with me and not depend on him to be happy, even if he is a call away. You'll say 'well, of course, you're not going through NC, that's why it's easy'. Yeah, but that's the point. The fact that I know I can reach out to him, see him, soothes me and doesn't make me go like crazy imagining he's having a great life without me.

 

I didn't know where to post this as it's not a second chance, and I'm not fully going NC and feel like a traitor to those who are struggling with this, but hey... I'm not saying that's wrong. Situations and relationships are different.

 

I just wanted to share my update.

 

I would appreciate your thoughts though, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. LS has been an angel from heaven and I won't leave you guys

[BiAxident]

Being in a similar situation myself, I for one cannot judge your decision to maintain contact with him. Simply understand that you might be setting yourself up for more pain -- regardless if being able to reach out to him brings you comfort. What happens when you reach out, and he isn't there? You must be well centered within yourself to endure through that.

 

Remember, love is not logical.

[lullaby]

Being in a similar situation myself, I for one cannot judge your decision to maintain contact with him. Simply understand that you might be setting yourself up for more pain -- regardless if being able to reach out to him brings you comfort. What happens when you reach out, and he isn't there? You must be well centered within yourself to endure through that.

 

Remember, love is not logical.

 

 

Thanks BiAxident. At least you responded

 

I know I might be setting for more pain, but at the same time, I know the pain it brings to disappear from his life. Just because if he plays games, is just because I allow him to do that. If I can put a boundarie between what is good or not for me, then I think I can handle.

 

I'm still learning. I may be wrong, but I do have to follow what I think it's right for me at the moment, right?

 

How are you?

[northstar1]

Sorry Lullaby but from what I see , you're just prolonging the inevitable here.

 

Fear of the unknown has you still clinging to the known.

 

Notice how when you finally stopped giving him attention, he suddenly drops everything and rushes to you? You took away the ego stroking he was getting from your contact and he was afraid to lose that. But where was all of this concern, urgency and emotion before?

 

Now that you're back in contact, he's yanked you back in with his emotional plea, expect to see him remain aloof and non-committal.

 

I hate to be so harsh, but I think you really do deserve more and that means a clean break.

[lullaby]

Sorry Lullaby but from what I see , you're just prolonging the inevitable here.

 

Fear of the unknown has you still clinging to the known.

 

Notice how when you finally stopped giving him attention, he suddenly drops everything and rushes to you? You took away the ego stroking he was getting from your contact and he was afraid to lose that. But where was all of this concern, urgency and emotion before?

 

Now that you're back in contact, he's yanked you back in with his emotional plea, expect to see him remain aloof and non-committal.

 

I hate to be so harsh, but I think you really do deserve more and that means a clean break.

 

Hi Northstar. Thanks for your reply and I do get what you mean.

 

I know I may be putting myself up for more pain, but I do feel I've taken a new approach this time. It's not that I will see him, talk to him, I will just continue on my own, working on. In fact, I've arranged with my co-workers to go out next week and there's the guy I like... so I'm not depending on my ex, it's just that I didn't go full NC.

 

I do know he's not committed, and I know what I can expect from him, which is not enough for me so I still feel like moving on from him, it's just that I need another type of process. Not everyone copes the same way, right?

 

Don't worry. I don't want people to tell me what I want to hear.

 

thanks again!