Would you start a realtionship with someone who is moving in 6 months?

[Jilly Bean]

Sorry - DQ = disqualified. Not to be confused with Dairy Queen, a lovely ice cream chain in the US.

 

Right, so in your quest to control the outcome of the dating game in order to try and protect yourself from being hurt, you end up jumping so far ahead and missing what's in front of you, that you sacrifice the fun and enjoyment of the process.

 

Sure, everyone would like to have a guarantee that something will work out and we won't be hurt, but no amount of dialogue in advance nor hypervigilance is going to make that happen.

 

You just have to let go of a projected outcome and live in the moment. Dating should be fun. Not such a difficult process.

 

So, J you knew wasn't very bright, yet you still plugged on since you had social compatibility. Not enough of a reason, IMO, and he should have been DQ'd right off the bat.

 

Each time you compromise your own "must haves" you set yourself up for disappointment and a waste of time.

 

He cried? When you wanted to stop dating after one date? And yet you're still going to see him on what certainly sounds like a date? Why? This is another move that will only lead to more drama and upset.

 

Involving yourself with guys who have no potential only means you have less time to find someone genuinely appropriate.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Jilly, I appreciate you taking time to give me advice. You have pretty much hit the nail on the head on all points in your last post. Gives me something to think about.

[westrock]

It's completely nuts to have this kind of conversation with a stranger. But, you seem to really have this bad habit of over-investing for weeks and months in some kind of fantasy land, before you meet the guy and then DQ him.

 

I have to wonder if you engage in these things in order to avoid anything legitimate and real.

 

This is a double edge sword.

 

On the one hand, I agree, it's nuts to be talking at this level this early on. In this early stage one should be more open to just getting to know a person to see if there is compatibility.

 

But if the issue involves distance, then I think SaC is being smart to ask about the practical issues. The people that DON'T ask about these practical issues are also avoiding the elephant in the room. If one's goal is a LTR but the relationship starts out as an LDR, someone eventually will have to move. In such a situation, it is important to ask these questions, because otherwise why engage in a LDR if someone has no intention to move? If neither party has any intention in moving towards the other person, then why even invest the time into something that won't work as a LTR on the off-chance that there is a remote possibility that it will work? Better to just say no thanks right from the start. It's a non-starter so stop wasting time.

 

I did see that he is unintelligent before we met (well, he is actually of average intelligence). But we had a lot of common interests, similar goals and I was willing to over-look that if there was a spark in person.

 

You need to change your perspective. You're saying here that people who are of average intelligence are unintelligent. Think about that. Some people will see that kind of judgement itself as being lacking in intelligence.

 

Everyone is intelligent in their own way. He's a musician - in my books that makes him quite intelligent as it's not something easy to do, especially playing in public. Maybe he has no clue what is E=MC2, but then again, not everyone can play an instrument before a live audience. By saying he wants to be with you, that in itself should tell you that he has must have at least some above average intelligence to be able to recognize your positive qualities.

 

I am going to watch him play a gig on Saturday night and then we are having cocktails. I probably should have said no, but since he is only asking for friendship I don't see why not.

 

Actually, I think this is smart to go. Keep an open mind. Maybe you will see him in a whole new light and I hope you get to see how intelligent he really is. You're getting to know a real person, rather than some LDR potential on a dating site. I hope you have a great time on Saturday night.

[aerogurl87]

He is going to be there for 18 months. I would be open to moving but I want to finish my work contract which is ending 12 months after he leaves.

 

So we are looking at 12 months apart at least. He is moving to 1-hour plane ride away place.

 

Am I being to rigid by refusing to even meet?

 

A one hour plane ride? Well that's nothing. Try 3 different flights with 7 hours of flight time. In the least you could meet him and see how things go. If they go good, then great. If not, well at least you met him and as skydiveaddict mentioned he could be the guy you've been looking for and you'll never know unless you meet him in person.

[Ilovecake]

My most recent ex and I started dating right before he moved. I never planned on it getting serious; actually the fact that he was just picking up and moving was a turn-on in itself. Unfortunately we fell kind of hard for each other and when the time came he put off his move for almost two months but decided to finally go. We decided to try the LD thing for a while and then talk about how we can get back together. We constantly discussed whether I would move there or he would move back home. I even started checking into schools where he lived and he said he was looking for a place for us to live and begged me to come out and visit. I had a date planned to go visit him and was about to buy a plane ticket. All of a sudden I received a letter from some girl telling me she’s been dating my boyfriend for about a month and knows all about me and though I should know that they’re together. Of course I ended it with him right there and then. He flew home the next day to apologize, stupid me I fell for it but told him unless we’re together in the same place at the same time we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. He ended up moving back home to be with me. We moved in together and two years later he left me for some other girl. I’m never ever doing and sort of LD relationship again.

 

Moral of the story don't go into it thinking you'll be moving with unless you have concrete plans.

[threebyfate]

Would you start a relationship with someone who is moving in 6 months?

 

Yes, did it with a definitive expiry date and don't have any regrets in the least. After things settled down post expiry date, we became and continue to be friends. Great guy!

 

If you're considering an LDR, I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy but some can make it work (CE and Pyro). As far as your situation, an hour's plane ride isn't very far away so my advice is that you go for it, as long as there aren't any red or yellow alert flags popping up.

[spookie]

IMO a 1-hr flight is not long distance.

 

That's what? A 5-6 hr drive?

 

Putting that into perspective, I spend 3 hours every day driving to and from work.