somuchforthat Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Hi All, i have been lurking these sites on occasion. I am on a long path for education, i already have my bachelors and will be looking at more schooling about 6 more years or so. I am 23 yo virgin at the moment and i have had only one relationship in my whole life...i think it was a relationship? It lasted three weeks ( two weeks and 6 days ) and then i got dumped bc the girl realized that her religion was more important to her. When i moved up to the big city after college i meet a group of people ( my ex was part of this group) so we all hung out as a group so she knew my my stance on religion ( kind of a atheist). My point here is that its not like it was new information to her that i was religious or not or that i was not the same religion as her. Anyway it ended and the only way was her way or the highway ( she wanted me to convert otherwise it was over). So that was my first ever relatiosnhip at 21 years of age..... it was a hard few months after it ended. i have been single since then anyway here are just some of my thoughts/concerns I will be a older once i am settled and the prospects of finding someone at that age become harder and harder bc most women by then are already taken and the ones that are left are the ones who are divorced who got married early who have kids or those who have slept around and want to settle now ( these are generalizations and do not apply to everyone of course). Every day i see people w their so's (significant others) and i have been basically single my whole life. Its starting to drive me a little crazy. Its starting to affect my ability to focus on my studies. Some days are better than others i dont feel as lonely but sometimes its pretty bad. I try and think positive and tell myself dont worry about these things they will sort themselves out ( kinda a vague reassruance ofcourse). My friends say you are a great guy and this n that n that i will find someone someday etc... really these comments dont really help me. I try my best to not focus on it but i cant help it sometimes my mind just brings it up! My former roommates gf's friend told her that she though i was cute and other friends friends have said something long those lines also. Plus it seems like being a vigrin at that age bracket isnt looked upon as a good thing really because it means there is something wrong w the guy. Not only the virigin part but also having little relationship experience is not looked at as a good thing. Most view it as some sort of social issue in terms of communicationg and behaviior? Most of my freinds are already w someone, engaged and or married too. I don't know what i should be doing to help my mind focus on my studies. While in college this was on my mind a little bit too but it never had any influence on my productivity but lately its been pretty bad. I cant really focus well anymore... i have tried and tired. Any good suggestions? I try and hang out with my friends and be social and all but it doesn't seem to be helping that much. I battle my mind and these thoughts and try to focus on my studies but its becoming harder and harder. I am tired and drained and on the verge of collapse i think. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. somuchforthat
USMCHokie Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) First of all, stop comparing yourself to your friends and stop comparing your friends to you...you're not them...you need to live your own life and stop trying to force the issue...I went on my first date when I was 23...first sex at 25...first relationship at 25...so what...? Next, go to the gym. It will not only make you more physically fit and aethestically pleasing, but it will boost your mind and confidence in yourself. Being a virgin at 23 is no big deal. It isn't an issue for women because they won't know. They make a big deal of it...this is all in your own head...it seems like you absolutely must have a woman in order to feel any sort of self worth...you need to ditch that attitude...you're going to school improve yourself and place you above a vast number of men both education and career wise...you don't need other people to validate your awesomeness...that's something you have to find in yourself... Try something new...whether it's an activity, sport, club, or hobby...immerse yourself in a new environment with completely new people...the novelty will definitely help get you out of you rut, and it will allow you to meet new people and get more comfortable in social environments... Bottom line: you need to pull your head from out of your ass and realize that there's more to life than finding a girl...you're at the prime age where you're establishing yourself and creating your identity...do the best you can for yourself and the women will come...just as the topic of your thread reads, get your life together! Edited August 20, 2010 by USMCHokie
This Hurts Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I can see why you're worried, but I honestly wouldn't be worried if I were you. Once you finish all your studies you'll be a successful, educated, and moral guy. I'm sure girls will find it a bit mind-boggling that you're still a virgin, but mostly because it's not common, not because it's unattractive. Girls automatically expect any guy they get involved with to have a sexual past, and to hear that you're actually going to be their first, I'm sure will be flattering. Especially in today's culture where people are losing their virginities as early as middle school. My mom always told me about one of her friends from high school (in her 40s now), who never seemed like she was into dating and people constantly thought there was something wrong with her. She said even throughout college and AFTER college, she was still single, never had a boyfriend. Though she (my mom) said she would have conversations with her and she would tell her things like, "I don't want falling in love to be a simple game, or something that's constantly changing in my life. I'm just waiting for the right person." When she was in her late 20s, she met a guy, he ended up being her first boyfriend (and first everything, I assume), they got married, had kids, and are still happily married today. What I'm saying is, don't worry about being a virgin. I assure you most women will actually find that at least admirable. And if you want to find a girl who is also a virgin, I'm sure it won't be extremely rare, especially if she's a couple of years younger than you (you're not old, you know). Just look in the right places; I don't think a rave or even a club would be a smart place to look But that's just my logic, I could be wrong. However, as for socializing, meeting a girl, dating, etc, just do things you enjoy. You don't just solely enjoy studying, do you? Do you like any sports, do you have any certain hobbies? Do you want to learn something? Take a kickboxing class, meet up with a group (try meetup.com), go to a local music festival (eh, I might be the only one here interested in those ), or even join clubs on campus. And don't just look for girls, make friends in general. The more friends you have, the higher the possibility of you meeting a girl. And if you wouldn't mind, you could even try a dating site. Welcome to LS, btw!
Author somuchforthat Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 i do activities other than studying. I love winter weather i go snowboarding a lot and snow showing, camping an such! I do go work out too btw. I love movies and just hanging out. How do you get past the conundrum people say why sign a lease when u don't even test drive.....? how do you know if its going to be good....how can u know that ur arnt going to get dumped or made fun off or ridiculed by the other party if you suck at it? I know a common response is that " well you don't want to be w someone like that anyway" They say sex is a important part of a relationship? how do i know? iv barely had a relationship and never had sex. Im just confused...its like your dammed if you do or u dont as i get older it becomes even more harder to find someone on the same level as me in terms of bedroom activity? Its like im almost being screwed over bc i spent my time on my career and life all the while majority of poeple are just screwing around.. just some thoughts . Thanks all for the input and advice!
BiAxident Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Once upon a time, I had a very strong infatuation for a woman who I just knew was the one for me. So strong were my emotions, that they often got the better of my common sense -- I'd tell myself "this or that doesnt matter, because I dont have her in my life". I wandered aimlessly through several years of school, switching majors a couple of times, failing several classes (granted I had a parent suddenly die, but thats another matter). But, do you know what happened in the end? I got the girl, but then lost her because my life wasn't in order! Being in my late 20s, without a professional job or any direction wasn't very appealing. All that pain and misery that I forced upon myself came to be my own undoing. So, take my word for it when I say, focus on your career and your physical/mental/spiritual health. When you have established yourself, then worry about finding a woman to complete the picture!
mickleb Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 i do activities other than studying. I love winter weather i go snowboarding a lot and snow showing, camping an such! I do go work out too btw. I love movies and just hanging out. How do you get past the conundrum people say why sign a lease when u don't even test drive.....? how do you know if its going to be good....how can u know that ur arnt going to get dumped or made fun off or ridiculed by the other party if you suck at it? I know a common response is that " well you don't want to be w someone like that anyway" They say sex is a important part of a relationship? how do i know? iv barely had a relationship and never had sex. Im just confused...its like your dammed if you do or u dont as i get older it becomes even more harder to find someone on the same level as me in terms of bedroom activity? Its like im almost being screwed over bc i spent my time on my career and life all the while majority of poeple are just screwing around.. just some thoughts . Thanks all for the input and advice! I would try reading Hokie's post again. In addition to that, you would do well to post in Dating as you will probably find a lot of your questions being asked and answered there. I really don't think you're being screwed over because you spent time on your career. That was your choice. If you want to focus on relationships a bit more, start doing that - it's your life. I do think you come across as a bit 'underexposed' but you are asking questions, so that's a good start. I also get a hint of distaste from you for those who have 'looser' morals than yours. Both of those things could hold you back a tad but they can be easily addressed. This world is full of all sorts of people and this is something that is celebrated (here's some proof: ). The best chance you can give yourself is to know, understand and be proud of yourself. No-one can do that for you. If you're comfortable with who you are and know why this is the case, you will find meeting and relating to others both a lot more achievable and enjoyable. Take care. x
Author somuchforthat Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 yea i am a bit underexposed i guess i did mention i have little experience w any of this so that's not anything to be surprised about. What do you mean by "loser" morals? How can they be addressed?
mickleb Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I will be a older once i am settled and the prospects of finding someone at that age become harder and harder bc most women by then are already taken and the ones that are left are the ones.. who have slept around and want to settle now Its like im almost being screwed over bc i spent my time on my career and life all the while majority of poeple are just screwing around.. I mentioned you seem to have an whiff of an issue with those whose morals are looser than yours, i.e. those who have had more experience, sexually, than you. I've included the above two quotes as they gave me that impression. I guess the best way to address that, if you wish to, is to think about how you dislike the idea of people forming opinions about you based on your sexual experience and then realise you are doing exactly the same thing. How many sexual partners someone has had (few or many) does not say much about them, in itself. You could post in this forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f22/ and learn about yourself and others more, quite easily, if you want to. I don't think you need to be as worried as you are about your experience to date, at all. In fact, if anything might put off potential partners, it could be all this anxiety about a fraction of your life. It seems to have started dominating you. I think talking to others about your and their sexuality could help to alleviate this, mostly, unecessary stress. Hope so. x
Author somuchforthat Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 (edited) I guess i want someone who is in similar to me in that regard? I guess i am okay w people w various histories but it seems like people w a lot of partners just do it for the sex rather than a actual relationship or they just sleep around and cheat on one another. Not saying this is everyone but this how it seems to me. Again i am a bit underexposed to all this and i am just thinking out. If they had several sexual partners while being faithful with each one individually then there is no wrong doing there i guess if that's what they wanted. Ideally people are supposed to be honest w one another when people discuss their past but seems like women and men don't ever give the full story on their past. Would someone tell the truth and say they cheated on their significant other? I doubt they would mention it early on but may a lot later in the relationship when it has solidified? But then why would you have to deal w someone who cant tell you the truth to begin with? Its kind of deceiving when both parties are given the opportunity to come clean about their pasts. Who knows what else may come out in the open down the road? I'm not saying its men or women particularity. With your last paragraph you are right, idk what i should be thinking about or not thinking about or what i should worry/ not worry about or not focus on. I don't really have others to talk to about this, well others who are in a similar situation like me. Majority of my very close friends are married/engaged/ about to be engaged or w someone already. I have been to two weddings already this summer and going to be a groomsman for one coming jan '11.......... ugghhh i am happy for my freinds but at the same time i get pretty sad/ depressed about going to weddings all alone..... I dont think they can really relate to my situation, just my opinion. Thats why i came to this site to get help and ideas and just to discuss in general. Idk maybe i am crazy lol Edited August 24, 2010 by somuchforthat
mickleb Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 You don't know who you want until you meet them. You might meet someone who has had way more sexual partners than you and think they are the best thing since sliced bread. You're not, however, going to meet many people by sitting in your room having a thousand conversations with yourself. You ask and answer so many of your own questions. You could try being more open to the world around you, less judgemental about it and a little less afraid. I notice you have posted so far in Self-Improvement, In Search Of, General Relationships and here. Your questions are much more suited to the Sexual Relationships and Dating forums. I suggest you ask them there, as this will be a better way to 'talk' to others about these things. You don't have to have face to face discussions on these subjects, although you can do that, too, as that meetup group I posted a link to, illustrates. A tip, though, would be to re-write your opening post, including in it what you have learned so far from this site. From (admittedly, the few) responses you have had, so far, in all of these forums, can you say, here, what have you learned? I have learned from you that you are in the Portland area. As a result, I was wondering, in order to help you to 'get out there' a bit and stop creating this negative world in your head, what would be stopping you from joining a group such as this: There are plenty of others in your area that could interest you, too. I think widening your social circle is a good idea. I really do think you have invented a fair few of your concerns. I think it is wrong to assume that the propensity someone has for cheating increases proportionately with the number of sexual partners someone has had, or that having sex with people leads to dishonesty, as your last post seems to suggest. Also, those who may have sacrificed intimacy for sexual experience will not, necessarily, continue to do so. Most people, IMO, after a period of sexual exploration, settle down and look for more meaningful, closer relationships. So, a lot of people will find their values, regarding relationships, will change as they learn in life. Sometimes, meeting someone with a different perspective on relationships, such as yours, can be the catalyst for such change. Overall, your thoughts make me wonder why you have chosen to abstain from sex? Can you say what has influenced your thinking? I commend you on airing your thoughts at this website. It is a brilliant place to learn the answers to those questions that we all hold and are, sometimes, to afraid to ask of those around us. It suggests you know your life can be improved, too (and of course, it can: Life for all of us can be improved and simple understanding can, often, bring us the greatest comfort.) I don't think you're crazy but I do think your perspective is narrow, as I have mentioned. I think this is what's causing you to worry. So keep working at that and keep posting. x
Author somuchforthat Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 i have been reading the sexual relationship and dating forums too. Page 25/2xx on the sexual relationship forum lol. I am getting more thoughts and insights so far. What has caused me to abstain from sex? I haven't really been with anyone in general. I have a long ways to go for school and so i figure why give it up now ...i should just wait for marriage. Now this is what i am thinking but there isnt anything set in stone. I just feel like its only fair that both partners be on the same level of intimacy so we can "look dumb" and make all the mistakes together...get the drift? I am not religious or anything but that's the view i have taken for now. On a side note it seems while reading through the first 25 pages of the sexual relationship forum that some people end relationships because they were not satisfied in the bedroom despite all other aspects of the relationship being great. Did they value the physical intimacy so much over everything else to terminate the relationship? Maybe? Or maybe it was a very important compliment to the emotional aspect of the relationship? Ideally when someone gets married they are married for life regardless of how good or bad someone is in the bedroom. I guess sub consciously maybe i see marriage as some sort of security incase things go awry in the bedroom but these days it doesn't matter people will get a divorce because someone didn't get the mail. I geuss sex is important but its not the only thing and some poeple are okay if the sex is just okay but not mind blowing while others want a higher level of bedroom excitement. When i was doing my ugrad i honestly didnt care about peoples pasts i just have lots of fun...this attitude of mine to which i am posting is very recent id say it has festered over 6-8 months...maybe il just have another mind set in a few months idk. I didnt even really bother me that i was single at that time. I was very outgoing with my college friends ( men and women) going to clubs and parties and just having fun. Maybe im becoming more serious about things now and thinking more instead of just going with the college shenanigans. Thanks for replying i will take a look at the Portland group 20-30 thing for sure
mickleb Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 i have been reading the sexual relationship and dating forums too. Page 25/2xx on the sexual relationship forum lol. I am getting more thoughts and insights so far. Good! Start posting! What has caused me to abstain from sex? I haven't really been with anyone in general. I have a long ways to go for school and so i figure why give it up now ...i should just wait for marriage. I'm sorry. This doesn't compute with me. Why does your sexual life need to be put on hold because you are studying? I just feel like its only fair that both partners be on the same level of intimacy so we can "look dumb" and make all the mistakes together...get the drift? I think I understand but I also think this is a little silly. (Sweet, though. ) NOBODY is perfect in the sack (despite a LOT of people wishing they were). Sex is simply an extended form of communication with someone. You are, obviously, looking for a significant connection with someone so, if you have that, whatever 'fumblings' may take place, should just be part of the fun. If not, you should be able to discuss it and try things differently, to make it work. On a side note it seems while reading through the first 25 pages of the sexual relationship forum that some people end relationships because they were not satisfied in the bedroom despite all other aspects of the relationship being great. Did they value the physical intimacy so much over everything else to terminate the relationship? Maybe? Or maybe it was a very important compliment to the emotional aspect of the relationship? You're still having this conversation with yourself, quite a lot, aren't you?! Yes, sex is extremely important to SOME people. Others choose to be celibate their whole lives. To a good deal of people, trouble in bed can indicate trouble in the relationship. Some people aren't very skilled in communicating their needs and fears with their partner. They can choose to leave, rather than try to fix, problems that arise. Others simply don't care enough about their partner to work stuff out. This, however, is true of all relationships. Sex can just highlight issues more obviously within an intimate relationship because faking it successfully and continuously, is actually, very difficult. People who post in the Sexual Relationships forum might be there because sex is very important to them and they like to learn and inform others. Let's be honest: sex is pretty important to you because we're having quite a long conversation about it and it's stopping you from concentrating on your studies. Ideally when someone gets married they are married for life regardless of how good or bad someone is in the bedroom. I guess sub consciously maybe i see marriage as some sort of security incase things go awry in the bedroom but these days it doesn't matter people will get a divorce because someone didn't get the mail. I geuss sex is important but its not the only thing and some poeple are okay if the sex is just okay but not mind blowing while others want a higher level of bedroom excitement. May I join in with your discussion? You seem to be worrying about sex having this potential to be the 'be all and end all' and, as a result, are trying to safeguard against your 'performance' not being up to scratch. Sex, as I have said before, is often just a reflection of the relationship, itself: how well a couple are at communicating their wants and needs, and how much they care. Secondly, if someone you're with appears to judge you soley on how 'good' you are in bed, you don't need them in your life. Thirdly, sadly, I don't think marriage is a guarantee of anything. Nice idea but I, personally, don't think it offers any security in relationships. You seem to have battled that last bit out by yourself, anyway, though. I am not religious or anything but that's the view i have taken for now.. ..When i was doing my ugrad i honestly didnt care about peoples pasts i just have lots of fun...this attitude of mine to which i am posting is very recent id say it has festered over 6-8 months...maybe il just have another mind set in a few months idk. I didnt even really bother me that i was single at that time. I was very outgoing with my college friends ( men and women) going to clubs and parties and just having fun. Maybe im becoming more serious about things now and thinking more instead of just going with the college shenanigans. You seem to be thinking a lot about something that you may simply change your mind about in a few months time. If that's the case, I'd suggest the issue isn't about sex, at all. It might be worth talking to a counsellor about all this to try to find out where you're really 'at' with it all. So religion has not influenced your thinking..? Has somebody in your life, do you think? Is there something physical about sex you don't much like the idea of? As I said, before, I get the impression a lot of this is about fear. What are you most afraid of? I'm pleased to hear you didn't used to worry about it much. That's great and suggests you can get back to that place, more easily, I think, than if it had always been a difficult subject for you. What do you think has changed? Perhaps the relationship you mentioned has been a big disappointment? As a result, it has got you anticipating all the other potential disappointments you could face in your relationships? Thanks for replying i will take a look at the Portland group 20-30 thing for sure No problem and that sounds great but, before you pop off, would you mind answering my other question? What have you learned, so far, from the responses you've had on this site, so far? Thank you. x
Author somuchforthat Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 (edited) I'm sorry. This doesn't compute with me. Why does your sexual life need to be put on hold because you are studying?Im not sure if i have enough time to devote to both...i probably can but i feel like one will be cut short and not get my 100% Relationships take time to be somewhat a success and i am not sure if i want to the one night stand deal assuming i can even get that or the FWB assuming i can even get that. Secondly, if someone you're with appears to judge you soley on how 'good' you are in bed, you don't need them in your life. you are right lol but when do you figure that out? When you try and open up with them and don't do so well..and then you get dumped lol. Its not like you can say...hey please don't dump me if i suck at this? It might be worth talking to a counsellor about all this to try to find out where you're really 'at' with it all.lol therapy is pretty expensive and once i get back into school i might have access to it but idk if i want to spend money on it atm i think its pretty $$.I am in this transition phase of my life...i am going to apply to grad school soon. So religion has not influenced your thinking..? Has somebody in your life, do you think? Is there something physical about sex you don't much like the idea of? As I said, before, I get the impression a lot of this is about fear. What are you most afraid of?Im not scared of the act itself...just the connotations or the view and judgment people may have on it. Esp. if they dislike how the whole deal goes... i personally find it humiliating for someone to get dumped bc they sucked in the sac that the relationship had to end.... thats my view/take on it. Who knows iv never done lol I geuss im scared of being rejected, stds/babys when i dont want one at the current time despite IUD/condom/bc/pull out and bug spray....okay that bug spray was a joke lol I think this whole sex deal crap is also bc im really horny a lot. I do exercise and do you know what else . Actually while reading the sexual relationships post i learn about libidno...maybe i shoud buy that and it will help me focus. There was also a post about a 26 yo azn librarian girl who wanted to just lose it because she was sick of being a virgin and she was so horny..lol im like that too in some regard I'm pleased to hear you didn't used to worry about it much. That's great and suggests you can get back to that place, more easily, I think, than if it had always been a difficult subject for you. What do you think has changed? Perhaps the relationship you mentioned has been a big disappointment? As a result, it has got you anticipating all the other potential disappointments you could face in your relationships? It seems overly complicated and there is a lot of drama. I know most poeple say it should just flow naturally and you should just be yourself and not over think things. That relationship you were refering too wasnt really in the realm of any sexual endeavors lol. Not that i wanted to take it there i really liked the girl and i think neither of us were ready for such a thing anyway which i didnt mind. No problem and that sounds great but, before you pop off, would you mind answering my other question? What have you learned, so far, from the responses you've had on this site, so far? Other than this thread no one really has posted lol. I haven't yet posted on the sexual relationships threads i am reading for now. Seems like all the posts are similar after a while. Everyone seems to encounter the same sort of issues... big dicks small vag vice versa smelly vag smelly balls this that lol and then just general awkward moments. Seems like some people are willing to work with you like you mentioned while others have little tolerance for teaching such a marvelous trade. Im not sure what is wrong w me and this whole sex deal you are correct its preoccupied my mind and i cant shut it out and its a big deal for some reason...i think its because im horny and im trying to rationalize that i need to focus on my work and not banging and so thats why my mind is telling me no sex...wait till ur done w school? idk hahahaha and yes i talk to myself A LOT. its bad enough on this site but in my head its way worse lol Edited August 24, 2010 by somuchforthat
mickleb Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 Im not sure if i have enough time to devote to both...i probably can but i feel like one will be cut short and not get my 100% Relationships take time to be somewhat a success and i am not sure if i want to the one night stand deal assuming i can even get that or the FWB assuming i can even get that. Hmmn.. interesting response. I think you should learn what being in a relationship and dealing with your outside commitments is like, at some point. Juggling the various aspects of our lives is probably the toughest bit of this whole game. Practise makes perfect. "my 100%"? Odd phrase, smft. Usually, focusing on your education rather than a bit of romance is commendable. However, it's unusual to leave school at what? 29? The School of Life has important lessons, also. I'm sure you would be able to 'get' a one night stand or FWB situation. I mean, I've got a soft spot for John Merrick and you've probably got a bit more going on for you in the looks department, at least. I reckon dating could be a nice break from your study. Just quit thinking about it so seriously. It's not that awful. you are right lol but when do you figure that out? When you try and open up with them and don't do so well..and then you get dumped lol. Its not like you can say...hey please don't dump me if i suck at this? You probably never will as most people aren't that shallow. And you can say "Oh, you're dumping me over this? I thought you had more depth. Bye." It won't kill you and might even make you feel good about yourself. (Should do, anyway.) lol therapy is pretty expensive and once i get back into school i might have access to it but idk if i want to spend money on it atm i think its pretty $$. Yes, it can be. But then isn't an extra decade of school? I saw it as getting a degree in myself and I can't think of a more important subject I should be acquainted with. If you can get it free at school, then why not? If your stress is interefering with your schooling, then why not? Im not scared of the act itself...just the connotations or the view and judgment people may have on it. Esp. if they dislike how the whole deal goes... i personally find it humiliating for someone to get dumped bc they sucked in the sac that the relationship had to end.... thats my view/take on it. Who knows iv never done lol I geuss im scared of being rejected, stds/babys when i dont want one at the current time despite IUD/condom/bc/pull out and bug spray....okay that bug spray was a joke lol So, Hokie's advice was pretty good, eh? Your self-esteem needs a brush-up. Then rejection for something as meaningless as, simply, your half of the sex in a relationship, would seem a laughable concept to you, I hope. Of course, people who aren't especially talented at speaking honestly about their feelings might try to make sex as the issue when, really, it's something else. That's where all the counselling and building up of one's self esteem really kicks in and help you to sort the wheat from the chaff. It will help you to recognise what still needs improving and getting on with that won't be a particularly big deal. Now, if you're scared of STD's and pregnancy AND prepared to take the necessary precautions, you're going to have to give up some of your control issues if you ever want to do away with that virginity of yours. There are many things in this world to be afraid of and bad luck strikes all of us, from time to time. It is more fun stepping out of the house than staying inside, though. Honestly, in spite of the bug spray joke, your level of concern on this topic does suggest to me that a spot of professional help wouldn't go amiss. Sorry. I think this whole sex deal crap is also bc im really horny a lot. I do exercise and do you know what else . Actually while reading the sexual relationships post i learn about libidno...maybe i shoud buy that and it will help me focus. There was also a post about a 26 yo azn librarian girl who wanted to just lose it because she was sick of being a virgin and she was so horny..lol im like that too in some regard Glad to hear you 'exercise'. Nothing wrong with that. Don't know much about Libidno, so no comment except I think the issue might be more than simply a physical one and, therefore, think it might only offer a temporary solution. You don't want to be taking it for the next 6 years, do you? Then what happens when you've got a job and need to concentrate? I am happy you've already found someone whose experience you can relate to, on here. Did the advice that lady get, other than regarding the anaphrodisiac help? It seems overly complicated and there is a lot of drama. I know most poeple say it should just flow naturally and you should just be yourself and not over think things. That relationship you were refering too wasnt really in the realm of any sexual endeavors lol. Not that i wanted to take it there i really liked the girl and i think neither of us were ready for such a thing anyway which i didnt mind. Life seems overly complicated and full of drama. Nothing has to be. We tend to make things a lot more complicated than they need to be. Feeling secure in ourselves helps to cut through the crap. However, getting to this point can take a whole lot of work. It's better than never getting there, though. I understand the relationship mentioned was not a sexual one and am not suggesting it should have been. I was just wondering if, perhaps, it stirred something up in you which has been difficult for you to quell? If not, has anything else happened in the last year that could have triggered this anxiety? Other than this thread no one really has posted lol. I haven't yet posted on the sexual relationships threads i am reading for now. Seems like all the posts are similar after a while. Everyone seems to encounter the same sort of issues... big dicks small vag vice versa smelly vag smelly balls this that lol and then just general awkward moments. Seems like some people are willing to work with you like you mentioned while others have little tolerance for teaching such a marvelous trade. I think you've made an important observation, here: everyone seems to encounter the same issues. More or less, this stuff is embarrassing and uncomfortable for most people. Which is why I think you don't need to be worrying so much. A girl worth her salt should not mind helping you through your anxieties as she will be experiencing/have experienced her own. Take what you can from the forums and do ask your own specific questions, though. Try to show a bit of enthusiasm when others respond and state what you think about each response and why, and you should get more interaction. Ask people questions about themselves, too. Im not sure what is wrong w me and this whole sex deal you are correct its preoccupied my mind and i cant shut it out and its a big deal for some reason...i think its because im horny and im trying to rationalize that i need to focus on my work and not banging and so thats why my mind is telling me no sex...wait till ur done w school? idk hahahaha and yes i talk to myself A LOT. its bad enough on this site but in my head its way worse lol I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to block out your sexuality whilst going through another 6 years of schooling, at your age. I'm not surprised your libido is getting worked up. I think all the things discussed here are really worth you doing some investigating, to see if they help. I definitely recommend you keep externalising your concerns, though. And educating yourself on the stuff your schoolbooks aren't telling you. Take care. x
McGrupp Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 take the pussy of the pedestal get a prostitute /thread
Author somuchforthat Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 (edited) Hmmn.. interesting response. I think you should learn what being in a relationship and dealing with your outside commitments is like, at some point. Juggling the various aspects of our lives is probably the toughest bit of this whole game. Practise makes perfect. I tend to agree but i wont want to try this out and not do well in school lol. My friends always so don't worry about it someone wil come someday sometime and such and blah blah likes it some fairytale bs... "my 100%"? Odd phrase, smft. Usually, focusing on your education rather than a bit of romance is commendable. However, it's unusual to leave school at what? 29? The School of Life has important lessons, also.Lots of people these days in the US are around that age when they get done w PHD/MD/DO programs and some even get more education after that. Okay maybe not lots but its common around that age. Its a fairly later age compared to everyone else. I was in the shower earlier and i was thinking a bit about this whole thing. I guess inside i also feel like i am missing out on things. You know how when kids grow up there are certain landmarks that are supposed to happen as they get older like walking and talking and whatever else...in that sort of example i feel like i am missing out on things or not passing these landmarks. I know this sounds ridiculous and there inst any real set landmark for the rate at how relationships progress but still... I'm sure you would be able to 'get' a one night stand or FWB situation. I mean, I've got a soft spot for John Merrick and you've probably got a bit more going on for you in the looks department, at least. Didnt know who John Merrick was until i goggled it. Idk about my looks... As far as that i mean most people these or even in those days don't look like that anyway...nothing at all. If we all had some sort of deformity then it would be somewhat of a comparison lol I reckon dating could be a nice break from your study. Just quit thinking about it so seriously. It's not that awful. Its not awful but if you constantly get rejected then its not a good mindset either. I am this transition phase in life at the moment and i don't know where i will be in the next year or two so i don't want to start something and have to end it in case i move. I know there is long distance but i don't know that's a whole another ball game and thinking i don't want to play lol I guess that 20-30 site has meet ups w poeple...but finding people to date is hard too. You probably never will as most people aren't that shallow. And you can say "Oh, you're dumping me over this? I thought you had more depth. Bye." It won't kill you and might even make you feel good about yourself. (Should do, anyway.) I hope not...... Yes, it can be. But then isn't an extra decade of school? I saw it as getting a degree in myself and I can't think of a more important subject I should be acquainted with. If you can get it free at school, then why not? If your stress is interefering with your schooling, then why not?' I dont think i need therapy for this lol not yet at least besides this site is helping a lot just by reading and seeing other peoples experiences and opions So, Hokie's advice was pretty good, eh? Your self-esteem needs a brush-up. Then rejection for something as meaningless as, simply, your half of the sex in a relationship, would seem a laughable concept to you, I hope. Of course, people who aren't especially talented at speaking honestly about their feelings might try to make sex as the issue when, really, it's something else. That's where all the counselling and building up of one's self esteem really kicks in and help you to sort the wheat from the chaff. It will help you to recognise what still needs improving and getting on with that won't be a particularly big deal. Well i pretty much tell it as it is..i dont mask it as some other issue. But thats me and other people arnt always like that and i dont want to find out later that it was really because the bedroom sucked and not because i didn't get the orange juice..... Now, if you're scared of STD's and pregnancy AND prepared to take the necessary precautions, you're going to have to give up some of your control issues if you ever want to do away with that virginity of yours. There are many things in this world to be afraid of and bad luck strikes all of us, from time to time. It is more fun stepping out of the house than staying inside, though. Honestly, in spite of the bug spray joke, your level of concern on this topic does suggest to me that a spot of professional help wouldn't go amiss. Sorry.I don't know if its concern but it something i am curious about and have quiestions about obviously since i am posting on these forums. Its more fun stepping outside yea but getting out initially to go do something can be harder. Hey and if i go to therapy i can tell the person i date i had to go see a therapist because of my sex concerns lol ...now that would fly real well! lol Glad to hear you 'exercise'. Nothing wrong with that. Don't know much about Libidno, so no comment except I think the issue might be more than simply a physical one and, therefore, think it might only offer a temporary solution. You don't want to be taking it for the next 6 years, do you? Then what happens when you've got a job and need to concentrate? Yea its not going to be a permanent solution for sure. Idk what the issue is as i said earlier its recently become a issue maybe i am lonely or something. Majority of my friends from Ugrad have moved away there are still some around but not as many. Plus all these damn weddings this summer and then another one next year.......wtc.....fml lol When i am actually settled i don't think ill have all these insecurities or whatever because i will be a lot more settled. But then again i might i don't know at this point what im going to worry about down the road. I am happy you've already found someone whose experience you can relate to, on here. Did the advice that lady get, other than regarding the anaphrodisiac help? The libindo and the azn lady were two different threads lol Life seems overly complicated and full of drama. Nothing has to be. We tend to make things a lot more complicated than they need to be. Feeling secure in ourselves helps to cut through the crap. However, getting to this point can take a whole lot of work. It's better than never getting there, though. While in school i was a lot more confident i think because i was doing well in school so everything else in my life at that time seemed to just work. While i am in this transistion phase atm idk i feel like im not going anywhere atm in life ( which is how i feel ofcourse) but many have said dont worry about it it happnes to almost everyone. I understand the relationship mentioned was not a sexual one and am not suggesting it should have been. I was just wondering if, perhaps, it stirred something up in you which has been difficult for you to quell? If not, has anything else happened in the last year that could have triggered this anxiety? It didnt stirr anything and i think its just a fear of never finding somebody who isn't gonna dump me because i am me. I think you've made an important observation, here: everyone seems to encounter the same issues. More or less, this stuff is embarrassing and uncomfortable for most people. Which is why I think you don't need to be worrying so much. A girl worth her salt should not mind helping you through your anxieties as she will be experiencing/have experienced her own. I know that if its worth anything then it wont end bc the sex sucks but i will be very pissed if that does happen. If i open myself up to someone on that level and then i get essentially mocked or ridiculed ( maybe not verbally but being dumped pretty much means u sucked) then i feel like i have been somewhat insulted and what i shouldn't let my self be so vulnerable. I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to block out your sexuality whilst going through another 6 years of schooling, at your age. I'm not surprised your libido is getting worked up. I think all the things discussed here are really worth you doing some investigating, to see if they help.That sums it up pretty much! Whats your story if you dont mind me asking? Edited August 25, 2010 by somuchforthat
McGrupp Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 your assumptions and beliefs are just so far fetched and based on, well i dont know, what you see in the media? listen if your with a girl and you tell her your a virgin 9/10 shell be surprised but she isnt going to run out laughing. and if she does laugh , **** her, she wouldve sucked anyway. just go out, be yourself and take some risks. stop worrying so much and let things happen. follow the natural energy of the world, but please stop carry so much. youll look back and be like, WOW that wasnt a big deal at all. hence the hooker advice. but that was kinda a joke. anyway, stop caring so much and assuming so much. things are as they are.
mickleb Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 Good luck with your situation, smft. Whats your story if you dont mind me asking? Which part are you interested in? (At 38 years, there's a fair bit to tell. ) x
Author somuchforthat Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Good luck with your situation, smft. Which part are you interested in? (At 38 years, there's a fair bit to tell. ) x the juicy parts lool
Author somuchforthat Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 your assumptions and beliefs are just so far fetched and based on, well i dont know, what you see in the media? Media partly yes but just from what you hear in general i mean all these things i have mentioned are real they are talked about in these forums and all thought the media may be a bit far fetched they are still real issues. listen if your with a girl and you tell her your a virgin 9/10 shell be surprised but she isnt going to run out laughing. Seems like the general consensus is not really mention it, well definitely not initially anyway. Which i don't understand if she can handle the fact the you are a virgin at the beginning then why should she magically be okay with it idk say thee months later? just go out, be yourself and take some risks. stop worrying so much and let things happen. follow the natural energy of the world, but please stop carry so much. i am myself anyway, stop caring so much and assuming so much. things are as they are. I try and just be myself but its harder than that ......these questions just pop up on their own....
mickleb Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 the juicy parts lool Childhood trauma? The consequences of bad decisions made as a teenager? Romance? Career highs and lows? Personal achievements? Personal tragedy? What do you think would help you most with your situation? x
Author somuchforthat Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Childhood trauma? The consequences of bad decisions made as a teenager? Romance? Career highs and lows? Personal achievements? Personal tragedy? What do you think would help you most with your situation? x The consequences of bad decisions made as a teenager, Romance, Career highs and lows
McGrupp Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 listen i am not a virgin, but lets say i have a really hot girl in my bedroom and i bust in 2 minutes. theres in no way she knows i was a virgin or not. i would just be like "yeah that happened"
Author somuchforthat Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 okay how about romance lol i am thinking of trying speed dating. There is a event in early sept!
Author somuchforthat Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 so i went to the wedding yesterday meet up a long time gay friend... lol he ended up meeting one of the groom's brothers and then they left...wtc goes to show that i suck big time im straight and didn't get anywhere.....lol
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