How to Get Her Back

[Smith]

First a little background. I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 24. We've both been in serious relationships before. We met December 2001 through friends. I had my bachelor's degree and worked fulltime and lived on my own. She was working on her bachelor's degree and working parttime and living on her own. I was 26 then and she was 22. We started dating and became exclusive around March 2002. I then moved in August of that summer 2.5 hours away to begin law school. Since then we remained exclusive, talking on the phone several times a day and visiting each other on weekends about twice a month. During this time, she has often talked about us getting married, wanting to get engaged, and how she knows that I'm the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I also managed to stay with her for 2-3 weeks during my winter and spring breaks from school. In spring 2003, her roommate moved out and my girlfriend had to move back in with her parents as she couldn't afford rent on her own. Things seemed to be going well until this past fall. She began student-teaching while working parttime at a restaurant. With the student-teaching alone she was putting in 50 hours a week. However, she was also working Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights as a server. Needless to say it was pretty stressful for her.

 

I was also busy with law school and we decided that we would be ok if we went 6 weeks without physically seeing each other in October/November; we were still dating, it's just that we didn't have time to visit on the weekends. Looking back, I kind of see this as a catalyst for what has happened since. Her b-day was in November and we met up that night and something happened that made me suspicious of her and her co-worker. Rather than confront her, I kept quiet and observed her from then on. She graduated in early December and received her bachelor's degree. Meanwhile, I was on break and came to stay with her and her parents for 3 weeks. Because I was suspicious, I was often short with her and we just weren't getting along as well as we normally do. We are physically intimate so it was also difficult in that we had to sleep in separate rooms at her parents' house. Finally on the weekend before I was to return to school I confronted her. She denied everything. I never had reason to be suspicious before and I told her that I would take her word for it. And I did.

 

Now, she said that turning 24 was a big deal for her because she feels that a door is beginning to close on her. She also says that her student-teaching experience was a glimpse at what her life will be like and that scares her. I've tried to reason with her that first, when she's teaching fulltime she won't have to work nights and weekends as a server. Second, she had to create every one of her lesson plans from scratch; I told her that she'll be able to re-use these and it'll reach a point where she won't have to do them (other than updating them). It's also worth mentioning that living with her parents has been stressful for her as well. Her mother is well-meaning, but can be overbearing. Because of my girlfriend's fears and realizations (founded or not) and the stress, she has been going out more. I don't really have a problem with that as we both like to do this. This started around her b-day in November, which also marked the end of her student-teaching stint. Since January, she's requested more space between us. Because of my suspicions and because her mother worries about her, people are always asking her questions about where she's been and what she's doing and she's tired of the pressure.

 

When she asked for more space, she said that she meant less phone calls and less questions. I've tried to comply with her wishes, but she still ended up calling me several times a day. I pointed this out to her and she agrees, but it never really made a difference. Now she's a very attractive girl so naturally she gets asked out alot. I can't say that I'm totally cool about it; of course I'm a little jealous but it generally passes and I'm fine with it. I had always trusted her. It was fine until this past December, which I mentioned above, when I became suspicious about one of her co-workers. This kid is 19. He lives with his girlfriend and he's a salad maker/pantry person at the restaurant where my girlfriend works. He's also a parttime drug dealer. His sister works at a pharmacy and she steals pain killers and he turns around and sells them. When I confronted her about him that last weekend in December, she said nothing was going on. That's when I told her I would take her word and trust her. And I had every intention of doing so. So the first two weeks back at school went fine and then she called one night and told me that a bartender from a bar she frequents who had been dating her friend hit on her. If November and December hadn't occurred, I would have thought nothing of it and let it pass. But as things were, and being 2.5 hours away, it made me uncomfortable. Still, I didn't make it a big issue.

 

So for the next two weeks I worked back into being comfortable. Just as things were going well, my girlfriend calls me, at the end of a Friday night after going out. She tells me that her co-worker, the salad boy, doesn't take any of her advice and she's hurt that he isn't paying any attention to her. She also tells me that he just found out his girlfriend was pregnant and she had an abortion without telling him. We talk about this the next day and she swears that she doesn't like him, she's just used to being the center of attention. I should note that she was drunk when she called that night. So I spend the next two weeks trying to be comfortable again. In the meantime, we're back on our schedule of seeing each other twice a month and I'm really making an effort to get things back to normal.

 

Then I go to see her this past weekend for V-day. She has to work, but we make plans to meet up at the end of the night at one of her friend's houses. I get there and the salad guy is there. Of course I'm not happy. She confesses that he recently admitted to her that he likes her and she confesses that she has done the same. She tells me that she knows he isn't someone that she wants to spend her life with. But she also tells me that the excitement we used to have is gone and she misses it. She claims that she remembers being happy last summer and early fall, but since then it hasn't been there. This is why I look at those 6-weeks as the catalyst. I've tried to convince her that everything since then has been a chain reaction and since we've indentified what's wrong, we just need a little time to get it back; by this I mean making a conscious effort; making sure we don't go more than 2 weeks without seeing each other, etc. I'm graduating a semester early, so I'll be done with school this coming December. I'll be moving back to her area (I'm originally from there) so we'll be able to spend more time together. I've tried to get her to realize that we've made it now (2.5 hours apart) for a little more than 1.5 years and that now we have less than a year before we're back together again.

 

So on Sunday, we talked and she says that she still needs space. She thinks that it would be best if we start over, as if we were dating. She says that it's not that she wants to date other guys, but that she's just tired of all the pressures and needs a break. So for now we are going to do just that. We're going to try to limit our calls to a few times a week rather than a few times every day. She was supposed to quit her serving job and come live with me over the summer before she starts teaching fulltime. At this point, that's up in the air, although she claims that she is still interested in it.

 

So I'm looking for advice or reasons for her behavior (if there are any others than the ones I believe there to be). I'm posting this, hoping for some magic answer, but I expect to get the typical "Don't pressure her", "Make her laugh", "Call her only once in awhile", etc. It's just extra hard to do "dating things" while I'm 2.5 hours away. Guess I'm just afraid that with being so far apart, she'll eventually forget about me. She'll still say I'm the best thing to every happen to her. It's just hard for me because until this past December, all I ever heard from her was how much she couldn't wait to get married and start a family. If I had proposed to her at the end of last summer, I would have bet my life that she wouldn't turn me down. In fact, I was planning on proposing to her right after I graduated. She even told me a long time ago that I had a limited window after I graduated in which to do this. Now, I don't know what's going to happen. I just don't understand how someone can find something they really want and then turn it away. I just don't know what I could have done or can do.

 

Sorry for the length. I appreciate any responses.

[castles_blue]

i am not sure how to do tjis, since i only posted my situation yesterday. i belive if you click my name it will take you to my thread/situation.

 

i left it out of my post, but i am 28 she is soon to be 24. we got engaged in octoberfater all she ever told me was i was the man she wanted to marry. three months after the engagement she called and told me she was going to stay at her mothers. as talking developed, it was muhc of the same chatter you illustrated in your post.

 

i am sad to say this my friend, but we are caught up and taking the brunt of our girls staring real life in the face. my girl misses her friends in columbus, oh, she hates her job and feels trapped, not ready to buy a house, "feels like soething is missing".

 

last night i spoke to mysister and she informed that when she was 23 she moved to florida with her man john. she said they juts moved in, hated her job, missed her family, was so stressed out. she told me she loved him to death but would have moved back home and left if it were not for being married. she stuck and is very happy, but she said she did understand.

 

read my post and tell me what you think. i would guess that you and i are, "the most wonderful men in the world" but they are still gone. it is the hardest breakup i have ever had. i would rather her tell me that i am a turd or i did this or that wrong. the night before she left we were laughing wildy as i did something to make her laugh. she grabbed my face and looked inot my eyes and tld me "i was the best boyfriend ever"

 

get back to me, i am here for you because i know this is murder. even though you are s stranger, you are my brother in this. i am on-line and cna talk. it does help.

[Smith]

Thanks. I'm trying to be realistic. I'm 95% convinced we aren't getting back together. Guess I'm just trying not to get my hopes up. She called me yesterday while I was in class. Didn't leave a vm. I called her back after class and she didn't answer. I didn't leave a vm. It was the first day in probably 1.5 years that we didn't talk to each other.

 

I still work a few hours a week from home for the company I used to work for fulltime. Yesterday they posted an opening for an admin asst. It would pay more than she makes as a server; enough for her to move out and get her own place. So, dumb me, I forwarded the posting to her (I do get a $500 referral bonus if they hire her). She called again today while I was in class (before she saw the email I sent her). This time she left a vm; said to call her. I called her and didn't get an answer; didn't leave a vm. She called back 10 minutes later. Said she called me yesterday about something she needed to do but then changed her mind because she wanted to do it on her own.

 

Then she told me she didn't get home last night until 3am. Said she thought about calling me on her way home but changed her mind (thanks, that makes me feel SO much better). Said her parents have been leaving her notes at home about how she needs to reconsider how she's living lately (they've been on my side the whole time; nice, but it probably just drives her further away from me). Then she asked me if it was weird not talking to her yesterday. I told her yes and then asked her the same. Figures, she says it wasn't that weird because she was really busy. Boy did I get duped into that one! She looked at the job description I emailed her and said "Honey, er...uh...friend, what should I do?" We had a little uncomfortable laugh. Then she said, "you're probably forwarding this to me cause you think if I move out on my own, we'll get back together, huh?" I said "No" and then told her about the referral bonus I'd get. Ha! It's all about the little victories! She decided that she wants to apply so I told her she would need to send a cover letter and resume. So then she has the nerve to ask me to write the cover letter for her! Are you kidding me?? What happened to this need for space and independence?? She also called me "honey" again; I don't think she realized it.

 

I told her I had to go since I had some reading to do for class (wanted to make sure I ended the conversation and not her). Anyway, she calls my cell an hour and a half later but I was on my home phone with a buddy from undergrad so I let it go (he's married but went through all this with an old g-friend about 5 years ago - talking to him really helped since I hadn't told anyone yet). She didn't leave a message and I don't plan on calling her back tonight.

 

As for your situation, I can understand her missing her friends. Is there anyway you guys would've moved to C-bus in the near future?

[lost_in_chgo]

don't fool yourself she knew she was calling you honey.

Well played, kept it up.

[Arabess]

'Space' means....I'm keeping you on hold in case I don't find anyone else to float my boat. I don't really want to be without a boyfriend....but I'm not sure this relationship is as good as I can get.

 

If someone wants to wait on that......they are fooling themselves. A person who loves you....does NOT need space.

 

The ONLY way to save the relationship is to call your own shots. Tell them....I wait on precisely NO ONE! I'm moving on....and I may be single when you get done with your 'flirt a thon'....and I MAY NOT!

 

NEVER be a doormat! She won't respect it or love it. That's why guys say 'nice guys finish last'.......cause they do.

 

I know you'll disagree with me.....but I know I'm right.

[Smith]

No, I do tend to agree with you.

 

This just happened late V-day, early Sunday. Yesterday (Monday) was hard. I hadn't told anyone, friends or parents, since I didn't know what was going on with us. But talking to my buddy today and actually listening to myself say out loud over the phone everything that has happened, everything that she has done, really helped me "see the light." You know, I was actually kind of shocked at everything I had to tell. I think sometimes we focus too much on the little things or individual events in our lives and fail to look at the big picture. Don't get me wrong, the little things are definitely important, but in trying to work out each issue we had maybe I've been a somewhat blind to her overall treatment of me lately.

 

I'm curious to see how often she calls during this first week. At this point I'm holding myself to only a.) returning her calls once a day max. and b.) calling her if we haven't spoken in at least 2 days. BTW, as I type this she just text messaged me "Goodnight." (I'm not replying).

 

As for my buddy, he suggested that I tell her I need to be alone now. (Actually, his first suggestion was to delete her phone number from my phone and address books immediately.) Then tell her that when she figures out her life, she can call me if she wants, but until then, don't call me. I tend to agree. I can tell you this, I can't and won't spend more than a month hoping she'll come back.

 

Any thoughts?

[Smith]

It's Friday. It hasn't even been a full week, but things are starting to get better. Of course, by better I mean on an individual level - not a relationship level. She and I have talked every day since Tuesday. However, the topics of conversation haven't focused on us so much as they've been simply mindless small talk.

 

At this point, I've become pretty convinced that I don't have any real desire to get back together with her. For me to even consider taking her back, she'd have to climb some pretty tall mountains - and I just don't think she has that type of motivation in her - not just for a relationship, but for anything in her life. After talking with friends and family about everything that happened the last 2-3 months, I'm starting to see things as they really were.

 

I'm ready to get on with my life.

 

Good luck to the rest of you. Hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for.