pinkroses Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 I know the best way to break out of a relationship is for two people to just go their separate ways and never bother with each other again. But when it's not a real bitter break-up, and you don't really know what happened with the other person and nothing got talked out, it's emotional and mental torture not to have some kind of communication, just to settle things and feel at peace about going on. I realize a lot of people never do get closure, and I may not either, but I can't forget it. I feel frustrated and hurt every day, and like I'm being punished with silence. I have tried contacting my ex by e-mail a couple of times but there never is any response. I am not looking to reconcile, I just can't handle this standoff. Any advice?
dario Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 I know the place where you're at. I'm doing my best to let it be and it's been a ride. And I think that, despite my lunacy and coldness, I know that perhaps in the future she'll call and I'll be ready for that call.
SoleMate Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 I would recommend constructing your own explanation of what happened, based on a) the facts and b) whatever makes you feel better about things. Then train yourself to believe that explanation. You know, even if you could talk with him for hours, there is no guarantee you'd get the truth. He may not really know "the truth", or may not want to admit it. If someone has ever had a good, satisfying model closure to a relationship, I would love to hear about it.
jester Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Closure demands are almost never met. Providing closure is a difficult, possibly humiliating, process and once the relationship is over the departing partner usually has little incentive to go through the grief and agony of trying to explain an ending. It requires clarity and insight that people usually lack at such trying times. Also, if I'm the departing partner I might interpret my ex-partner's request for closure as her way of keeping us linked. Or that she wants to criticise me for giving her a lame explanation. Saying that, end-of-relationship exit interviews would be fascinating to read. The best solution for lack of closure is throwing yourself into the social whirl. You'd be surprised how much a new relationship crowds out the need for closure in an old, dearly departed relationship.
midori Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 .. boy have I been there. And I know how hard it is. It took me years to get over my ex, because throughout the time we were together I thought we had a wonderful relationship. And when my ex broke up with me he was very torn up about it, couldn't communicate with me for months after that, and even after he started a new relationship nearly a year later STILL wouldn't talk to me. Blah blah blah. All kinds of evidence that he wasn't happy about the break up... which made it all the more difficult for me to accept that it was for real and not going to change. I think that's the crux of the "closure" problem. When a break-up occurs for more obvious or mutual reasons -- cheating, coming to dislike each other, or be bored with each other -- there's much less doubt about it. Those of us who are looking for closure are usually suffering in the wake of an inexplicable break-up, and it seems much more open-ended, less certain... and we often desperately want to believe that it will be reversed. We want to be back in the relationship. So you could start there and ask yourself: is it essential to be back in that relationship, or is it conceivable, in theory at least, that you might find happiness in another relationship? I found that I didn't need "closure" -- that is to say, I didn't need my ex to lay it all out for me in a way that made sense. Which is good because he would have been incapable of doing so -- self-awareness is not one of his strengths. What I needed to do was to accept that a) the relationship was over, and b) that I could be happy without my ex (whether in a new relationship or not). The way it went for me was that as a & b became more permanent in my mind, I slowly became aware of c) all the ways that my ex was not right for me. I'd been long aware of his flaws, and the ways that the relationship wasn't good for me at that time. But I wasn't able to see that it wasn't just an effect of specific circumstances that made my ex wrong for me, he had long-standing (dare I say permanent) characteristics that I wouldn't want to have to tolerate for a lifetime. His afore-mentioned lack of self-awareness being one of them. So this is my long-winded way of saying that I agree with SoleMate & Jester: construct the best version of the truth that you can, and know that it's probably pretty darn close to the 'objective' truth re that relationship. That will help you find the peace of mind you need to accept that the relationship is over. There's nothing you can or should do to try to recover it. And make sure you get out there and are engaged with other people and life. Don't force yourself to date unless you're ready and have met someone you're interested in. But that shouldn't stop you from going to parties, throwing parties, exploring new neighborhoods, doing STUFF. Be an interesting person. You'll feel much better about yourself, and you'll meet people that way. After an inexplicable break-up. closure comes from within. The first piece of the puzzle is already marked for you: your ex can't even cope with ending a relationship in a reasonable, minimally damaging way. When push comes to shove, he'll look out for his concerns, no matter how much extra turmoil and pain he creates for you. Is that the kind of person you can rely upon? Good luck. It might be a long haul, but you'll get through it, and when you do you'll know yourself much more, have more confidence about yourself, and be all the more ready to mesh with someone who's special and worthy of you. Knock on wood, it's finally happened to me. It will happen to you too.
mujer Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Yea, I've been there, too. Unfortunatley, you don't always get closure. I like the suggestion someone made of trying to reconstruct things on your own. It's probably the closest thing you're going to be able to get to closure. Above all, I would not suggest continuing to try to get your ex to contact you. If he wants to talk, he'll talk. But don't push it. I know you probably really want an explanation, but you can't force it out of someone. Try to start healing on your own and move on. The more you focus on trying to get this person to talk to you, the less you are concentrating on moving on and moving past this.
Author pinkroses Posted February 18, 2004 Author Posted February 18, 2004 Your advice sounds helpful. I don't want this person back in my life, but I don't want to be enemies either. It's just difficult being in limbo like this.
Arabess Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 It doesn't surprise me how many people have past relationships with ' no closure'. It seems to happen more times than not. I think it was Solemate who asked someone once.....what could they really say to make you feel better? Referring to the fact that no matter what they DID say, it isn't going to answer all the questions of the heart. There IS NO reason WHY....sometimes love just goes terribly wrong. I found, the only person who could give me closure in a relationship I was terribly hurt by....was ME! I put all his crap in a box, played some of our songs, drank some beer, cried like an IDIOT.....and said good-bye to him in my heart. I vowed to never look back. Sometimes....that's all you can really do. Good Luck Pinkroses. You are a very pretty girl....I'm sure love will find it's way back to you again and you'll forget about the AssClown who did you wrong. LOL!
eagle_nate Posted February 24, 2004 Posted February 24, 2004 I'm in a similar but somewhat dif't situation...Pink, you need to accept you may never get that closure you seem to feel you need. Why do you need it?... ask yourself that. I like the ladies idea who said she put all the stuff in a box, drank some beer, cried...way to go, deal with the pain, embrace it, understand, but don't try to explain what people have been killing themselves over for years. Sometimes there just isn't an explanation. And what you hear from this moron might make you feel even worse! As easy as i know it is for me to say...let it go, don't depend on this lad for anything, you need to shape the future out of this if you can. Good luck and i know your pain. Nate
vivid Posted February 28, 2004 Posted February 28, 2004 I have been in an on again off again relationship for the past 2 and a half years. With each breakup I was left open to interpretation for the reason why. I always felt lack of closure. This man has a serious drug problem and for some reason I still found myself asking what I did wrong, why we couldn't make it work. After the anger of feeling abandoned would pass I always found myself focusing on the good aspects of the relationship and wondering why they weren't good enough reason to work through the troubled times. I knew time and time again this person was lying to me but my vision of what the relationship could have been always kept me in the game. I think for me closure will consist of acceptance of the fact that this relationship will NEVER be what I WANT it to be and the time needed to do so. Basically I feel it is me giving up my expectations for another person to do and be what I want him to be. I would think it would be simpler just to accept that I fell in love with an addict and that until he decides he wants something different for his life nothing anyone does will change that. However I still find myself wishing that he could have been the one.
UCFKevin Posted February 28, 2004 Posted February 28, 2004 I know the best way to break out of a relationship is for two people to just go their separate ways and never bother with each other again. Says who? Do you mean that it's best to just say "it's over" and walk away without any talking or explanation or anything?
gaia Posted February 28, 2004 Posted February 28, 2004 At the end of the day, closure is an internal thing. Whatever this guy told you, you'd still have to find an explanation that rang true with you. I agree with SoleMate - you can do it yourself. In my experience, people who don't have the decency to give you an explanation at the time rarely ever do. If you really don't want to end things acrimoniously, why not tell him that you need a clean break now and you'll get in touch when you're ready.
originalsphinx Posted February 29, 2004 Posted February 29, 2004 I am new to this forum, but I have been reading some of the posts and now I see that I am not the only one who feels this way. I broke up with my boyfriend last September and for some reason I am still not over him. I mean I was fine for a few months, but recently he has been on my mind a lot.... well permanently and it's driving me crazy. we were together for eight months and then he broke it off saying that he just had no room in his life for a relationship. Granted a friend saw him making out with this other chick in a club not two months later. When she told me I tried to pretend like it didn't matter, but it hurt so much knowing that he was going on with his life and I was still pining away for him. None of my friends seem to understand, saying that I just need to move on and find someone new. Not a very easy task mind you, but how do you move on, I have tried everything, but it all comes back to him......
vivid Posted March 1, 2004 Posted March 1, 2004 I know it's hard to pretend things don't bother you. It is hard to think of someone you have such strong feelings about seemingly replacing you without a second thought. I am going thru the same thing. I just kicked my boyfriend out two nights ago after I found syringes in his car. I know hands down it was the only option I had however I know that he is already shacked up with someone more his caliber. It still hurts to think that I was so easily replaced. I feel like it invalidates the things about me I thought he loved. And it kills me inside to know that he lied about such an issue like this. Accepting that I was used and manipulated and that my sincere and whole hearted love was abused to such a degree is a very humbling experience.
javachik Posted March 9, 2004 Posted March 9, 2004 Wow, Vivid. You hit the nail right on the head with your line about "invalidating" everything. I broke up with my "lifetime" soulmate in December. We've been off again on again for the last 16 years, with the last three years completely together (though in a long distance relationship). This break up, and our behavior this time around is fundamentally different than any other time. You know how you read stories about long lost loves who find eachother and finally make it work? Well the last three years, I thought we were in "the place". To have it not work out - it's devastating. Especially with the finality. I don't know if we'll be able to be friends. What makes this absurdly difficult is that in our previous times together, we always left (we'd be together for a year or less at a time, sometimes just seeing eachother once a year! and the chemistry never abandoned us!) each other with a feeling that we were truly each other's "soul mate" and that the song "Somewhere" from West Side Story was our theme. We each held an incredibly special hold on the other's heart, and we knew it. Even when we were involved with others... Anyway, I am devastated this time around because I feel like all that magic has been destroyed. I feel that the specialness we always felt for each other is now "invalidated"---and I so wish it wasn't the case. I know I can move on, eventually. But I absolutely loathe this feeling of loss...not just for us being together, but for the loss of those magical memories. I've rambled, and I apologize. I do agree with another poster who mentioned that real closure can't come until you really get to what I call the "furiosity" stage---undiluted anger. I am finally there, finally feeling the anger I should have all those years ago when I would justify every misdeed done to me. No longer.
eagle_nate Posted March 9, 2004 Posted March 9, 2004 Hi all, I've come to accept the fact that there may never be the closure I am looking for. I wrote a few weeks back in this very forum, encouraging someone to move on without closure. Well, after a few more weeks of not getting any kind of closure whatsoever, i guess i better understand your predicament. I thought it would be easy to move on without it, but it's one of the hardest parts of this ending. I'm actually feeling Ok about not being with her anymore. I don't think i was happy near the end. I guess i convinced myself that I was. However, when it ended abruptly, with little truth in terms of an explanation and nothing in the form of "goodbye" or "thanks" or anything at all...it has made moving on very difficult to say the least. I've gone as far as asking for it! But, to no avail. So what now? I wish I had the answers. It gets better everyday, but the pain of not knowing the truth and not even having someone who you shared so much with even acknowledge their responsibility or mistakes....it's a bitter pill to swallow. They say "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I think there is great wisdom in those words...but without any closure, I won't be smiling when i remember her, I will be regretting I ever met her.
sinkerswim Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 I guess it is happening to me right now. My boyfriend/fiance wasnt supposed to leave me hanging after he told me he "didnt know" if he wanted to break up with me. We have been together 8 years!! 8 years!! We had many wonderful memories together and been through so much together. Well, this morning I got up enough nerve to call him and see what was up...and he pretty much gave me the cold shoulder because he was getting ready for work. He didnt give me any closure whatsoever. I asked if we will talk again and he said "I dont know" that was like a dagger going right through my heart. WHY? WHY would he do this to me? Why leave me hanging? Obviously he doesnt want to talk to me or be with me right now.. but its been a month since we spoke and I thought it would be even better. But it wasnt. It was worse. He was cold to me. It made me feel like I did something realy really bad to deserve to be treated this way. I quickly told him that I would never lie to him or cheat on him , so why is he doing this to me? He just said "Renee, I have to get ready for work..I have to go" When I asked him if he had my new number and address he said he had it somewhere. I cant stand this. THis is NOT the same guy who once loved me and I confided in... What happened to him? Why wont he just tell me its over if he wants it to be over? Why be so cold about it? I NEED ANSWERS! I just want to keep calling him. I love this man soooo damn much and he is doing this to me. Why wont he face me or just tell me? He is going to regret this soooooo bad one day. Our initial fight was about me being possessive and controlling all these years.. He knew I was getting help. But he makes me feel like I did something worse. He wont even talk to me. I guess now..I have to let him be. But it wont be the last time I talk to him. I need some kind of closure. SOMETHING.
eagle_nate Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Hey there Sinker, Ouch, sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I can sympathize completely. First off, you need to accept a couple things. You may never get closure, this may be entirely crucial to you (as it is to me) but if he refuses to give it, you need to begin to move on regardless. Ask yourself what you're wanting to hear. Ask yourself why you "need" this. If you're like me it is because you need answers. But what is the question? Maybe there are some answers you have within yourself. You need to let this go. I know it's easy to say but clearly this man does not want to talk to you right nbow so by contacting him you will only push him away. Leave him alone! In time, he might come back or at least contact you, he is obviously not interested in giving you what you need right now so move from this. I know i make it sound easy but if you read my posts i know exactly what youre going thru...i talked at length to the ex recently and she doesnt have the answers I am looking for, but I cant dwell, i need to move on, and so do you. Sounds like it's over. Sorry, but maybe it's time to accept that 8 years will be it. Hope it works out for you!
viewsonic Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 i feel like i am going through the same thing.. i was left with little explanation to why things ended and it was goodbye, never see you again, have a nice life... i think it helps to write a letter to your ex.. you don't have to send it. just write a letter. don't ask to get back together, but rather write about all the theories to why you think the relationship ended.. don't be bitter or mean.. writing the letter is about helping YOU and helping you sort your feelings out. i wrote a letter and it helped me a lot.. i ended up mailing not expecting a response or anything. he may or may not have read it, but that was not the point. it was about me trying to figure out why things ended and create my own type of closure. i hope this helps.. hope you are doing well.
Recommended Posts