Wings Of Love Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I am completely and utterly broken and lost. A few nights ago, my ex and I had a long talk and he admitted he was starting to fall for me again. He said that he wouldn't tell me he loved me yet though, because he wants to take things slow and not hurt me again. Since then we have been texting non-stop. We agreed to spend today together, enjoy some time alone. We had a wonderful afternoon hanging out with my family (who he is very close to), playing with my young nephew and cuddling up on the sofa. Eventually we moved to my room so we could talk. Naturally, one thing led to another and we made love. I'm aware that's not really taking things slow, it was just one of those natural things. However, after we were done, my ex was holding me very close to him and seemed so content to stay that way. But just minutes later he tensed up and moved away from me. When I asked what was wrong, he changed. Became really down and suddenly told me he's not sure he will be returning to me. I don't know where it came from, he was literally clinging to me moments before. I asked why he was telling me this. He claimed he is too confused right now and doesn't understand his feelings. He told me I should find someone who can make me happy. Then he begged me to stay friends with him, said we could spend time alone together, but without the intimacy. He apologised many times. Then, after comforting me while I cried (and shedding a few tears himself), he asked me to see him off, and he left. That's when I really broke down. I feel so used now, and stupid. I honestly felt he meant that he was falling for me again. I believed I was finally getting my second chance with him. Now I'm in a spin and don't know what to think.
Iselia Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 IHowever, after we were done, my ex was holding me very close to him and seemed so content to stay that way. But just minutes later he tensed up and moved away from me. When I asked what was wrong, he changed. Became really down and suddenly told me he's not sure he will be returning to me. I don't know where it came from, he was literally clinging to me moments before. I asked why he was telling me this. He claimed he is too confused right now and doesn't understand his feelings. He told me I should find someone who can make me happy. Then he begged me to stay friends with him, said we could spend time alone together, but without the intimacy. Ok. It seems he isn't entirely over you yet. HOWEVER, just because the guy still has feelings for does not mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. It sounds like, he is getting his own needs met physically and emotionally, but you aren't getting your needs met... And he isn't willing to meet your needs. You need to get away from this guy. He upsets you and seems to be using you for his own needs. It's selfish, it's immature. He is right when he says you need to find someone who makes you happy. Is he making you happy right now? Hell no! Go NC, forget him, get yourself the right man.
DayAfterDay Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) WingsOfLove, I am in an extremely similar situation as you, but it is with my ex-girlfriend. Long story short after breaking-up with my and trying to be my friend after, I eventually cut contact completely an then a month later she shows up at my house saying she misses me and only pictures me in her future and blah blah. We kissed, we did not make love, but it was still intimate (at least to me) and then a day later she asked to talk about it and is worried she jumped the gun on her emotions and doesn't know how she feels about me again. She said the same thing about wanting to not hurt me again and is very scared and reserved about it, but she feels like she needs to "try". I am scared too, I'm scared that something like this will happen for us (no offense) and i'll end up losing her forever. It's difficult to be optimistic about it because I feel like she's in a situation where I am her best friend and she loves me...but something internally changed in her, something's missing, something's not right anymore and regardless of the fact that she still loves me, it'll probably just never be enough to get back to where we were anymore. I'm trying to begin to accept that. Just do as I am and take every day one day and one moment at a time only controlling what you can and living your life for yourself, just because this guy doesn't know how he feels about you anymore does not mean that you are not a great and lovable person who deserves someone who adores you for you and loves you more than anything. It sounds like you have done everything you can to make it work and tried, and that's honestly all you can do. He needs to be there with you, he sounds a lot like my recent ex-girlfriend whom I have been traumatically grieving for the last four months. Also, there is no shame in getting professional help with this. Going to therapy has honestly helped a bunch for me. I wish you the best of luck, we're going to make it! *EDIT* Wow i looked at all your other posts and saw that this is something that had been going on for a long time. :-/ My breakup was just in March of this year, 3 days after our 3 year anniversary. If you're keen I'd like to get your instant messenger screen name because I have a lot of honest questions for you instead of just going back and forth on here. Edited August 20, 2010 by DayAfterDay
Author Wings Of Love Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 I just wanted to update this briefly. Today, my ex and his friend came to see me. The whole time we were together I acted like I would with a friend. I laughed, I chatted, I joked. However, several times my ex would reach out and touch some part of me. Brief things every time, but each time I would pull away. We had physical contact twice. The first time was when he hurt himself and I reached out to check he was ok. The second, we were making our way down a steep, grassy hill, and he took hold of my hand so I wouldn't slip. I did notice that throughout the evening he was staring over at me a lot. I could sense his gaze, but I did not return it, except once. He just smiled at me until I looked away. I'm much happier today and it was lovely to spend time with him, as always. I'm not sure if these things mean much though.
skydiveaddict Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 (edited) Those things mean nothing. Who knows what he is thinking? I wouldnt have anything to do with him. You're just going to get hurt again. Tell him to leave you alone. Don't let him use you like that. cause that's what he's doing. Trying to displace guilt. If he wanted you back he would just say it. Edited August 21, 2010 by skydiveaddict
Iselia Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Don't let him use you like that. cause that's what he's doing. Trying to displace guilt. If he wanted you back he would just say it. Exactly. He's getting his own needs met. He doesn't care about your needs. He doesn't care about your feelings. As long as he gets what he wants, why should he care? Get rid of him, he's playing games.
thrownaway Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Agree with everyone else. Stay away, you are a better person. You don't have time for confusion in your life, focus on yourself and the right man will fall in love with you.
Author Wings Of Love Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Thanks for all the advice. Yesterday I decided I'm not going to let him mess me around anymore. I deleted him from facebook again, I don't reply to his texts and each time he and his friend invite me out I decline. I will admit it's tempting to back down and see him, but I've got the support of my friends and family, so I feel much better for it. Is this a step in the right direction?
DayAfterDay Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Thanks for all the advice. Yesterday I decided I'm not going to let him mess me around anymore. I deleted him from facebook again, I don't reply to his texts and each time he and his friend invite me out I decline. I will admit it's tempting to back down and see him, but I've got the support of my friends and family, so I feel much better for it. Is this a step in the right direction? Absolutely. Facebook is poison for someone trying to get over a break-up...I just de-activated mine all together. Keep your distance for a long time. It's hard i know, trust me. You need to heal, and it will get better.
thrownaway Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Absolutely. Facebook is poison for someone trying to get over a break-up...I just de-activated mine all together. Keep your distance for a long time. It's hard i know, trust me. You need to heal, and it will get better. I de-activated mine also. [slowly puts hand down] It's hard. Really hard. We have to constantly remind ourselves it's for the best.
Recommended Posts