He deleted me of facebook? !!!

[LisaLee]

1) With facebook, I am in university and we all use it for communication purposes and its usually quicker to get someone on their facebook if you are looking for them (sad I know). So anyone who knows me knows what facebook means. Its paramount to excommunicating someone from your life.

 

I am in my last semester of university, and it is handy dandy for keeping up with the peers. Beyond that I can't sympathize, I just don't take FB that seriously. I friend requested one person once and he declined me. It's kind of irksome, but then I think "meh" and my life goes on. Yours does, too!

 

There might be a chance I sent the wrong signal and all hope of us getting back together is lost. Perhaps keeping away for so long was not the best idea. And why delete me and none of his ex's ???

 

You mentioned several times that you are posting on the second chances forum. YOU are hoping for a second chance... if he is sending a message to you it is that he is NOT wanting to get back together... possibly not even wanting to affiliate with you that much. If he is deleting you and not his past ex-girlfriends... that is a strong, clear message to me.

 

But if you really want to know whether two still have a chance the best method, imo, is to point blank ask him. It will save you a lot of time, effort, and worrying.

[PrettyPoppy]

If you call there is one thing you also need to take into account: he doesn't answer and NEVER calls you back.

 

Can you handle that and realise that it is time to go 100% into self care?

 

Do you have a support network that knows what is going on and will listen to you detox off of the relationship?

 

Have those things in place prior to calling or you could set yourself up for horrid pain.

[mohdhm]

he may have deleted his own account.

[padawan]

Thank you everyone, your input is really helping me see other sides to the picture. I came across an interesting take on NC.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/

 

Warhorse: I know what you mean, perhaps for my peace of mind, I should break NC however isn't that against the guide lines for NC. I am scared it might push him further away, in the past I have found chasing him makes him run further whilst leaving makes him come back. Perhaps this is a test because everytime I think I am about to loose him I act in an illogical state of mind.

 

Prettypoppy: OMFGosh how true. I need to be able to accept the repercussions and I should be prepared for the worst. I rather be pessimistic and be pleasantly surprised rather than optimistic and massively disappointed. But isn't peace of mind more important to move on for closure. I can't help but think the way we left things in the air, just stopped talking and well everyone we both know probably tells him I call them or BBM them. This must get to him. Especially because he knows I BBM and call all our friends, his relatives and my ex (who is nothing but a mutual friend). He was my first love and I am so distraught. I just don't know what to do. Linger in this limbo is too painful do its a catch 22, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

 

What about your situations anyone in a similar tangle?

[padawan]

mohdhm: No he did not delete his own account, I can still see him on facebook and also I still have access to his page via my cousins facebook.

 

:'(

[Thorgs]

mohdhm: No he did not delete his own account, I can still see him on facebook and also I still have access to his page via my cousins facebook.

 

:'(

Count this as a blessing. Instead of wondering how he's doing and sneaking on his page, now you don't have to worry about it. No more opening a healing wound. I know it's hard, but in the end, it's worth it.

[padawan]

Thorgs and warhorse:

 

I can appreciate where you are coming from but in my case I can't help but over analyse and just think perhaps I should have called him or given him my BBM pin. I wasn't even on NC I just stopped calling after he picked up one day and said he was busy I should stop calling so much. The next time I tried to call him to say happy birthday he never picked up. Now I think he thinks I am moving on and my statuses on facebook have been easy and happy (not too revealing). So in the past between our spouts of not talking and talking if I looked like I was moving on (he would chase me and reassure me there is hope for us), if I was giving our mutual male friends more attention (he would act out, of jealousy). In this case I can't help but feel its the latter, for three months I don't call, nor do I go home for summer (e.g. if she is cutting me out of her life, I can do the same) .... case and point

 

Nuala's post below:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/

 

"...Stop reacting to their hostility

It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it. The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behaviour and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. Try if you can to see their lack of interest in seeing you as freedom and independence. If they tell you you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally....."

 

He knows how frequently I check my facebook and as such may thinks I check his activity therefore:

 

1) Either this is a test to see if I am on his facebook hence call.

2) Illicit a reaction as he gets jealous and enjoys attention from me.

3) He is trying to move on and want to get me out of his mind (but why now when we always discussed a chance for us, once I graduate and move home?)

 

Warhorse won't calling make him run for the hills and that is what I don't want. I adopted NC because at that point in my life I needed to concentrate on my life, it was by default. Not to win him back or get over him. I had to many things going on in my life. Now in this case perhaps he is tired of waiting for me to move home? And thinks I am moving on so he should do the same, as I have given everyone my new contacts (mobile and BBM pin) but him.

 

 

HELP :'( Its 05:45am and I am up still worried about all this?

[Don Ho]

Ok Edge, I came over here cuz you asked us to check it out. Paddy. Yes, you are right, him deleting you from his FB is a definite ploy to get you back. It might have been easier to call, text or email you and tell you, but you know us guys, we always do things the difficult way. If I were you I would jump in my car and go see him right now, cuz I know he's waiting for you. NOT!!!

 

WTH is wrong with you?? You have spent three pages on this thread trying to get people to agree with you that he deleted you for a reason; to send you a sign that he wants you back. Is that what you really want to hear?? Ok, I just said it in the first paragraph. So, I too, will tell you what the others have already told you: he is DONE with you. Who knows ... he deleted you because he doesn't want you looking at his social life and wants NO PART of you in his life. Get it? Sorry to be blunt, but you're obsessed and just getting a little delusional. It doesn't matter how YOU feel about HIM or how much YOU want him back. It only matters how HE feels about you (which is he does not want you in his life). Now. PLEASE. Stop this thread and start healing yourself .... unless you really like putting your hand on a hot stove repeatedly.

[padawan]

Dear Don Ho,

 

I have been on this forum for two years, and I appreciate all responses whether I agree with them or not. At times I agree to disagree with some comments. However I try to adopt a cordial, POLITE and none sarcastic stand and I am grateful for everyone's input, it helps view a picture from different perspectives.

 

I understand that I may seem like I am wasting my time. However everyone deals with things differently. Moreover I try not to 'project' my circumstances on somebody's else's set of circumstances in an independent relationship from mine with sorely different characters. Perhaps you feel free and emancipated by implementing NC and getting your ex out of your life. If so I am happy for your new state of affairs. However this is the second chance forum not the coping forum.

 

These three pages are not to convince anyone but rather to ask for advice from different angles, I don't need anyone's approval. However I thank you for your advice I agree I need to heal and stop hurting myself and as long as he can see I wreak of desperation it only makes things worse.

 

The TRUTH which A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE SECOND CHANCE FORUM ARE NOT WILLING to admit is they do wish things worked/ work out. But at times the emotions of rejection, bitterness, heartache pushes them to the edge.

 

Please read the thread below which offers a more liberal stand point of caliguy's NC contact guide:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/

 

 

:'(.

[edgeofdarkness]

ok im up and about and i wanted to see if u had got more replies i see you did. see, i did say others would agree with us (me and USMCHokie) the hardest thing u will ever do is let go of something you thought and hoped meant everything to u both but nuthing lasts for ever. u know the saying if you love something let it go, well i found out it doesnt just mean another person, it also means u. if u really have any self-respect and pride, u have to release yrself from obsessing about something like this, u have to give yrself time and space, and let yrself be free at last. the more u hold onto him, the more u pretend that there is something solid, well there isnt. the more you hold on, the less of a grip u have on reality. u got to let it all drop gurl, just abandon all this crap, bcos he doesnt feel the same way, u need to catch hold of your life again and move on.

[Don Ho]

Hi Paddy. I have been on and off LS for six years and recently re-signed up because I couldn't remember my login and so on. I am also 45 and I have been in relationships and dating for 30 years. I have learned most of my lessons the hard way. Sure, I can and do empathize with members here and do my best to be supportive and helpful. My post was certainly not to insult you. Perhaps I should have been a little more diplomatic. I have the opinion that you're not being very realistic about your situation with your Ex and you do not seem to be listening to anyone on this thread.

 

I am certainly not projecting my circumstances on others. Clearly you don't even know my situation or circumstance. However, I happen to believe that NC is the best route even when people don't want to hear it or accept it ... because I tried all the other ways over 30 years and it didn't help. "Perhaps you feel free and emancipated by implementing NC and getting your ex out of your life". Actually I have not done away with my Ex and am not bitter. I have been using NC with my Ex which is a whole different story. It has nothing to do with freedom or emancipation.

 

"I need to heal and stop hurting myself and as long as he can see I wreak of desperation it only makes things worse". Ah. So you are coming around to reality and starting to understand. See? We are on the same page. I was trying to get you to realize that you have to continue NC and not read into him deleting you from his FB. You have been totally obsessing about why he deleted you. I explained, probably to your dismay, that he wants you out of his life. Besides, his deleting you is probably for the best, looking at an Ex's info can do nothing but drive you crazy.

 

I have read Nuala's "Alternative". Out of her 15 points it's actually the same advice I give to people, with the exception of the "Don't Call Them" section. Most people cannot emotionally handle Nuala's DCT ideas and screw it all up and push their Ex away. Other than that, I see nothing that makes it an alternative to NC, it's just solid common sense for people after a break up. Those are the steps you should take, for YOU. IF an Ex comes back and they happily reconcile, great. I am happy for them. However, if they do not come back you have taken the steps to make yourself more attractive and confident so you'll be better able to find another, hopefully much better, relationship.

 

If you have peeked at any of my posts, I promote NC AND I always tell them to go work out, get busy, go on dates, see your friends, get yourself back, build your confidence, don't be too available, don't repeat your mistakes, don't profess your love and so on. Good thing you're a woman .... I tell most of the guys on here that they're pussies and that's why they got dumped. LOL.

[Don Ho]

You don't have anything to loose by calling him, find out where he is coming from, what is going on in his life, if he is seeing someone else, what he wants for his future, etc. I think your own closure is vital before NC.

 

As soon as I post my long diatribe to you Paddy, here comes Warhorse! LOL. I always advocate against this idea. It will not bring closure. It will re-open your wound. You will not hear what you want and he or she may say hurtful, awful things that you won't want to hear. It will put you back at square one; hurting, depressed, wondering, questioning and so on. I think you have to go NC and, if after 4-6 months, if you haven't talked and you are no longer emotional over them, then you can go as an ADULT and discuss what happened. By that time, you probably will have someone new or just won't care. Hang in there Sista!

[padawan]

Your replies really mean a lot to me and are helping me a lot.

 

1)However I set up the account for him last year on facebook and if he would ever deleted me, it would have been after I followed him to a town when he came to visit the UK and surprised him. Least to say you can imagine how the surprise went down. We stopped talking and 3 months later he called out of the blue just to say hi. If there was ever a dark moment in our relationship that was it, if there was ever a cause to delete me that was it. More over during those 3 months he was dating someone new.

 

2)Guys please don't think I am being lame. This may be a simple misunderstanding. Have you ever been watching a movie or TV show and you are screaming at the screen 'just call her' or 'just tell him' or 'someone tell them'. Case and point there might be an element of foul play from external parties. Granted we have a lot of mutual friends and I am friends with his family. But there are 3 cousins who are to say the least not at all fond of me, such that who knows. In addition to me having a new mobile no. and BB pin and not telling him. And we always maintain conversation regardless of what is going on in our lives. Now he have been put under the impression I have cut him out hence he does the same (eye for and eye, tooth for a tooth). And just because I started his facebook (which he hardly logs into) he know exactly how to cut me deep.

 

3)MOST IMPORTANTLY: With the new set of events should I text the mum and tell her happy bday on the 4th of Sept. I did it last year?

 

Edgeofdarkeness: I agree I need to get my life back and move on. That you for your honest critical response. But do you think I should get closure before?

 

Warhorse: I can see where you are coming from, I need the closure to stop the obsession on the if's and may be's and could be's and what if's and would be's, the who's the what and the where's. If anything I can still view his page from my cousin's profile (I have his password) and that makes sense. But how about if I call and he doesn't pick up? And when you call according to NC you loose all the power i.e strength and self respect you have gained over the months. LOL at the its a phone call not sleeping with him . You managed to make me smile hehe. But all things concerned what might look could be misunderstood as clingy behaviour (especially considering the past circumstances when I looked 'too intense' his words not mine?

 

Don Ho: Thank you, I agree I need to heal and work on me. If and when he comes back I'll be a newer stronger me, and this is not the person he fell in love with. Needy, dependant and obsessive. Do you think I should call for closure or at least attempt to clear out that I am not annoyed with him. I also sense a few mutual friends could have 'foul play' tactic here and explain to him I want nothing to do with him? Hence the new mobile and BB pin and NC. He may have been misinformed and misinterpreted it, clearly especially I know one of his cousins doesn't like me, but the rest don't mind me.

[edgeofdarkness]

Your replies really mean a lot to me and are helping me a lot.

 

 

 

3)MOST IMPORTANTLY: With the new set of events should I text the mum and tell her happy bday on the 4th of Sept. I did it last year?

If u want yeh, its not to him, just her so its kinda nice, but dont connect with her to get feedback on him, right?

 

Edgeofdarkeness: I agree I need to get my life back and move on. That you for your honest critical response. But do you think I should get closure before?

no, becos we never do, closure doesnt exist the only true closure is the one we create for ourselves, all the questions u r tempted to ask, wont get answered, not honestly, becos sometimes even they dont know. the worst lies in the world are the ones we tell ourselves, so he will tell u what he thinks might be, or will tell u what u want to hear, or just make excuses, and all this just begs more questions, which just keeps u stuck gurl!

 

Warhorse: I can see where you are coming from, I need the closure to stop the obsession on the if's and may be's and could be's and what if's and would be's, the who's the what and the where's.

see this is too much, he wont want an inquisition, he will not want to answer, hes already deleted u off FB which means avoidance, so what makes u think he will welcome this 20 questions?

 

If anything I can still view his page from my cousin's profile (I have his password) and that makes sense

.

oh man stop checking ask your cuz to change password, this is just so bad, if I cant get u this way ill get u another way, leave it be, change passwords and stop doing this to yrself!!!!!!

 

But how about if I call and he doesn't pick up? And when you call according to NC you loose all the power i.e strength and self respect you have gained over the months

.U put yrself back to square one snakes and ladders, you go up then send yrself back down, did u know snakes and ladders was invented in india as a lesson on life. well its true. but you have to have the winning throw to reach the top, but if u keep sabotaging yr progress down u keep going!

 

But all things concerned what might look could be misunderstood as clingy behaviour (especially considering the past circumstances when I looked 'too intense' his words not mine?

see do u really want to confirm his criticism, no u dont, let him see your all together on this.

 

Don Ho: Thank you, I agree I need to heal and work on me. If and when he comes back I'll be a newer stronger me, and this is not the person he fell in love with. Needy, dependant and obsessive. Do you think I should call for closure or at least attempt to clear out that I am not annoyed with him. I also sense a few mutual friends could have 'foul play' tactic here and explain to him I want nothing to do with him? Hence the new mobile and BB pin and NC. He may have been misinformed and misinterpreted it, clearly especially I know one of his cousins doesn't like me, but the rest don't mind me.

 

your still grasping at straws here, doesnt matter how many people have told u no contact your still trying to find a way thru, your still trying to find someone to back u up, please listen to us....needy dependant and obsessive.... if u describe yrself like that, closure is not what yr looking for, what yr looking for is connection. if and when he comes back, dont count on it. I hope yr freinds are telling him that, best favour they could b doing u!!

 

Gurl, forget closure, forget FB forget what if maybe whatever - go no contact stay no contact and move on, jesus yr hard work.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

 

@USMCHokie: No I really don't think so *that was cruel*

 

:'(. anyone ??? Should I call him? Why would he delete me?

 

I tend to only remove/delete/ignore people from my life when they are to much drama to deal with IE I want nothing more to do with them period! There is no secret meaning to what hes doing and sadly there is no hope op.

 

Hes telling you its a done deal you need to listen and move on don't become "his creepy crazy ex stalker gf" you deserve to have more self respect then that do your self a favor and move on...

Edited August 20, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey

[padawan]

Edgeofdarkness:

 

After a gruelling night of no sleep, going to his potentially new unofficial girlfriend. It is clear I am stressing to much, occam's razor principle stipulates than more than often the simple answer is the correct answer. I agree he is either trying to move on or tell me to move on finally. Did I do something wrong over this past Easter, I don't think so. Biggest mistake was playing right into his hands. Once he realised I was there he took of for the hills. Calling will only make a dire situation worse. If I ever want a situation in the future where we can just be friends and cordial especially with the 0.1 degree of separation between family and friends I need to KEEP AWAY and work on me. I just pray when I get up I'll have the same thought process, it seems that when you are in this stage you spontaneously jump from depression to desperation to disillusions back to depressions and a few random moments like this which entail an epiphany. I agree texting the mum will be polite I just hope he does not misinterprate it. What is your situation if you don't mind me asking why are you here? Have you been in limbo also for a while or are you moving on? How did you cope find strength?

 

Spanksthemonkey: I see what you are saying with the creepy ex girlfriend stalker.

 

Do you all think there is no hope? I have people around me in which after the 4 years or perhaps two or perhaps a month. They get back together?

[Don Ho]

Paddy, despite your grueling night, I think you already sound better. Your attitude is starting to shift. Now I say the following only because I was there with an Ex a long time ago and it helped: if you haven't already, you might want to see your Doc for some anti-anxiety meds. They can help if you're totally obsessing. That's your call.

 

I understand the concept of LC. However, with what has transpired with the two of you, I think LC would be to your detriment. I'm not a NC purist. However, I think the majority of people need to go NC because they cannot effectively handle or deal with LC and they end up continuing to hurt. I would suggest NC for 1-4 months and then, possibly, LC to test the waters. IMO, you should not contact his Mum. While you might think this is rude, I think he will interpret it as a another means of contact from you and he will consider it invasive.

 

Yes, people can and do get back together. BUT that is a few and with different circumstances. No, do not be the crazy, Ex, stalker. You cannot hold onto the hope that he will come around and you will reconcile. You MUST move forward. I think you need to stop checking him thru the cousin's FB; it only keeps your wound open. Obviously you're a very intelligent girl. That can work to your detriment in these situation as it keeps your mind spinning and spinning. All good points from Edge, keep all of them in mind! Hang in there Sista!

[Don Ho]

I don't think she can draw any real conclusion for him deleting her and should not see that as a sign of hope. He prob just figured it was time to delete her since it's over anyway and prob doesn't want her looking into his social life.

[CaliGuy]

I don't understand, honestly.

 

I delete people from FB all the time that there *MIGHT* have been a mutual interest but it petered out. It shouldn't be a big deal to you.

 

The only reason you are wondering now is like most people who call of a relationship -- you like to have him in your back pocket as an option and the rule of thumb is: "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option..."

[VeveCakes]

I said it before and ill say it again. Denial, it aint just a river in Egypt! Seriously, you keep asking if he did it to get a reaction...and everyone keeps telling you NO. Why aren't u listening? You are only grabbing onto things that are the outcome you hope for. He does NOT want you in his life. Even if he did do it for reaction, is that the kind of guy you want to be with? One that plays games? One that is too much of a pussy to pick up the phone and call you to speak to you?? Think about it. If he wanted to be with you, or talk to you, he would. Don't make men out to be more complicated then they are. His actions prove the very opposite. You need to move on. Don't contact him, or his family. It isn't good you are holding on like this after being broken up for so long.

[LisaLee]

Edgeofdarkness:

 

After a gruelling night of no sleep, going to his potentially new unofficial girlfriend...

Do you all think there is no hope? I have people around me in which after the 4 years or perhaps two or perhaps a month. They get back together?

 

He deleted you from FB and has a potential new gf. Doesn't sound good. I think your ship has sailed. It is probably best to start refocusing your energy elsewhere.

[lunita]

I think there is some serious over-analyzing going on. Forget why he did it. It doesn't matter. Unless he is making an effort to be with you, it's pretty much over. The FB thing is a minor issue. Over thinking everything is going to kill you. You can't control what other people do but you can control what you do. Take a class, go out with friends, hit the gym, go on dates. Whatever it takes but stop thinking about something that is no longer a part of your life anymore. Brain space is way to precious to obsess about a minor detail. Yes I said it. It's minor since you're already broken up.

 

And no, I'm not a hardcore NC believer and I'm not someone who doesn't believe in second chances. I actually do. But in this case....there doesn't seem to be any sort of reconciliation going on....use your time on yourself. You deserve it.

[edgeofdarkness]

(me if u really have any self-respect and pride, QUOTE]

I dunno what you did here friend but you messed up the quote thing...looks like i did too tho...

 

 

Pride comes before a fall.

yeah but u mean egotism, not pride as being pleased with the way you are like i mean...

 

Anyway, this is just calling a friend, not sleeping with him.

no hes an ex, nor a friend, they had a relationship he dumped her she should be working on getting over it, man read the whole thing, its painful.

Edited August 20, 2010 by edgeofdarkness

[Don Ho]

Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry! Are we still on this post? LOL. Where's the notorious Paddy? Maybe she's all better now after reading all of this. LOL

[PrettyPoppy]

Padwan:

 

Mother contact: I was both gf and wife for a total of 17 years. I have a very good relationship with my ex's mom and siblings. I also have the grand kids. However, the first year after our divorce I did not correspond/chat with my ex's family. He did, it is HIS FAMILY.

 

Why? It is wholly inappropriate and I actually cared about his family and didn't want to triangulate them. Now, many years later, they are still close to me. Amid tons of really crap behaviour of mine, I feel I did this correctly and hence have not lost people I do care about.

 

I hear you sweetie, you cannot let go. You are making it so hard on yourself with all this connection to his family, this analyzing and denying the obvious. I am somewhat concerned about the level of your defensiveness. Have you sought some assistance?

 

Also, you should know you are now breaking the law by using someone's password to spy on your ex's FB. That is a bad sign. That *should be* a very strong indication you are out of control. I think people are trying to help you, but you are making it hard. I know that it is hard, but try to re-read what so many have responded and digest it. They had nothing but good intent responding.

 

Regarding words like "projecting" etc. I see you have a well versed psych vocabulary. Know intellectualization is a defense mechanism that co-exists with denial. Use your analytical skills on yourself: see the pattern of you, even if it is hard to decipher.

 

Remember we are not just one relationship. You are not going to be downed by this not working. You just need to see that up until this very moment you have survived 100%. Just give yourself credit for that.