Author Hell's Bells Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 OH please.........get over yourself and at least listen to what others have learned the hard way. Hey now, I was just expressing my thanks, and I like to be light-hearted while doing so, no need to scold at me. I *have* listened to what you all had to say, wasn't that clear from my responses? The Internet's pretty easy: don't like what you read, hit return. Giving advice is not quite the same thing as projecting all your own bad experiences onto someone else and proclaiming "destiny" will see to it that they'll end up equally hurt and damaged. I said in my very first post that I mostly needed to talk, to get it off my chest in the anonymous, unthreatening comfort that only an online forum can provide. I've done that now and for my trouble I've gotten some very useful and insightful pieces of advice that I'll take home with me. I also got handed a couple of presumptuous and patronizing comments that claim far more than they can possibly know. Thanks for those as well, I'm exactly the same myself
VeveCakes Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Can you answer my question? Are you going to be honest with your boyfriend? Or be selfish and hide it because you know it would crush him and potentially ruin your future?
BB07 Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Hey now, I was just expressing my thanks, and I like to be light-hearted while doing so, no need to scold at me. I *have* listened to what you all had to say, wasn't that clear from my responses? The Internet's pretty easy: don't like what you read, hit return. Giving advice is not quite the same thing as projecting all your own bad experiences onto someone else and proclaiming "destiny" will see to it that they'll end up equally hurt and damaged. I said in my very first post that I mostly needed to talk, to get it off my chest in the anonymous, unthreatening comfort that only an online forum can provide. I've done that now and for my trouble I've gotten some very useful and insightful pieces of advice that I'll take home with me. I also got handed a couple of presumptuous and patronizing comments that claim far more than they can possibly know. Thanks for those as well, I'm exactly the same myself Well then........since you didn't like my advice, you twist what I said and you accuse me of projecting. That's a low blow and really uncalled for. You asked for advice, and then decide it's OK to insult when you didn't like what I said. Again you put words in my mouth. I didn't say anything about your "destiny". You've got some hard lessons to learn about life and love. I was just trying to share my lifetime of experience and yes some of it comes from painful experiences, so what. If you want to call that projecting.....I'll leave you to your choices and it will be a cold day in hell when I respond again. Good luck.
Author Hell's Bells Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 I can't for the live of me find any clue in my posts that I wished to start a fight... could we calm down? BB07: you said "get over yourself", that to me sounds harsh and insulting, I responded to that and went on in general terms, not fixating on you. "Putting words in someone's mouth" means saying "X said this" while he/she didn't. I did nothing of the sort. Furthermore you shared nothing at all about your lifetime experiences, I don't know the first thing about you, or where you come from, love/life wise. Also, telling somebody she's got "a lot to learn" is ALWAYS a patronizing thing to say, whether the sentiment is justified or not. You may not agree, that's fine by me. Most of what you told me consisted of "you will this..." and "if you don't do this, that will happen", all in a very negative way. That of course also consitutes advice, but you must understand that you can't tell a girl, who's always been faithful, to leave her boyfriend of seven years, with whom she's been living together for three, just because she has (what she herself would call) an adolescent fit of old-fashioned coup d'foudre for an ex-teacher she admires, and expect her to go "of COURSE you're right, I'll leave straight away and go have some mind-blowing sex! (yeah I'm exaggerating, before you accuse me again of twisting your words). I really really don't want to sound like I didn't appreciate any of your advice, because I honestly did, but once someone brushes me off by saying "get over yourself" for no reason at all, I have a difficult time accepting any further comments from them. Which is a shame, really. Now, on to a question I apparently missed (didn't skip you on purpose, Vevecakes) Q: Are you going to be honest with your boyfriend? Or be selfish and hide it because you know it would crush him and potentially ruin your future? That touches on something that's often struck me as very ambiguous, namely: honesty is always a good thing. Or is it? At this point - the point at which I've not done anything wrong except for a bit of fantasising and reading a custom-written erotic tale - do you really think that "confessing" is the right (and selfless) thing to do? Isn't it actually selfish to dump my - very likely merely temporary - feelings of lust for another guy on my unsuspecting boyfriend? Being honest at this point would just mean that I would put my boyfriend in the decision chair without any warning, making him deal with my mess, making his life miserable. This would of course be totally different if I had an actual, double-sided (emotional or physical) affair. This thing I'm having is still in the "girl has crush" stage! Trying to deal with this to the best of my powers (and hopefully getting stronger and wiser from it) is in my eyes far less selfish than doing the big confession stunt and letting my boyfriend deal with the mess. Looking forward to you disagreeing with me :-D
Silly_Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Now, on to a question I apparently missed (didn't skip you on purpose, Vevecakes) Q: Are you going to be honest with your boyfriend? Or be selfish and hide it because you know it would crush him and potentially ruin your future? That touches on something that's often struck me as very ambiguous, namely: honesty is always a good thing. Or is it? At this point - the point at which I've not done anything wrong except for a bit of fantasising and reading a custom-written erotic tale - do you really think that "confessing" is the right (and selfless) thing to do? Isn't it actually selfish to dump my - very likely merely temporary - feelings of lust for another guy on my unsuspecting boyfriend? Being honest at this point would just mean that I would put my boyfriend in the decision chair without any warning, making him deal with my mess, making his life miserable. This would of course be totally different if I had an actual, double-sided (emotional or physical) affair. This thing I'm having is still in the "girl has crush" stage! Trying to deal with this to the best of my powers (and hopefully getting stronger and wiser from it) is in my eyes far less selfish than doing the big confession stunt and letting my boyfriend deal with the mess. Looking forward to you disagreeing with me :-D I know you think you're being magnanimous, but if you and your bf couldn't laugh this off over a pint then I think you're fooling yourself. If you think he (your bf) would be bothered, then YOU should be bothered. If you think you'd be okay with him staying over with a woman who's writing him erotic stories and mentally seducing him, then tell him what's going on with you and why you feel it's okay. Seems like you have such a lot at risk here.
Trimmer Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the advice' date=' but really, I'll need a lot more convincing that sex is important enough to [b']abandon[/b] an otherwise perfect relationship for. Yet, you have considered the possibility that it is important enough to risk destroying that perfect relationship for... Or you somehow convinced yourself that you would be different from all the others - that you could have an affair secretly on the side, and it wouldn't affect your primary relationship, in which case you need to listen to BB07, in spite of the prickliness that has developed between the two of you. Hah okay' date=' touché mon amie, I'll give you "honesty". I'm not totally convinced that having a one-sided crush on someone else indisputably means a lack of loyalty. Though, I am aware of the rationalisation process people involved in emotional affairs have, saying that "I haven't allowed something physical to happen yet, therefore I should be put on a pedestal and lauded for my virtue". Not that naive.[/quote'] Good, then don't be so naive as to think this has been a "one-sided crush." You have exchanged intimacies; whether you have stated it directly or not, you have accepted his overtures, and that means you have communicated your desire. I understand that a partner may feel attraction, lust for another - I believe that to be a natural occurrence. However, at the point where a partner engages in decision-making behaviors to communicate that desire and exchange intimacies with that outside person, I think the line has been crossed. That's my boundary, and obviously I can't be sure, but I give it a good chance that that your boyfriend would consider that a boundary crossed, as well. So don't fool yourself that a lack of assertive action on your part means it's just still a "one-sided crush." By your being in willing, direct, intimate communication with this outside person, and accepting his erotic overtures, even if they haven't turned directly physical yet, you have made a decision to remain engaged in this outside, intimate relationship. And are you telling me that you didn't masturbate in the bath, to the words of this outside person, and that this wasn't obviously his intention? I'm not big on hard and fast labels of what is "physical" and what is "only emotional" but that's not a one-sided crush. That touches on something that's often struck me as very ambiguous' date=' namely: honesty is always a good thing. Or is it? [/quote'] I don't think the concept of honesty is normally that ambiguous - certainly not "very" ambiguous. Honesty seems to become especially ambiguous when one has something to hide, doesn't it? Then, there seem to develop all these good - and even noble - sounding reasons that it's not really such a good thing after all. Hmm, I do wonder about that. At this point - the point at which I've not done anything wrong except for a bit of fantasising and reading a custom-written erotic tale - do you really think that "confessing" is the right (and selfless) thing to do? Isn't it actually selfish to dump my - very likely merely temporary - feelings of lust for another guy on my unsuspecting boyfriend? Being honest at this point would just mean that I would put my boyfriend in the decision chair without any warning' date=' making him deal with my mess, making his life miserable. This would of course be totally different if I had an actual, double-sided (emotional or physical) affair. This thing I'm having is still in the "girl has crush" stage! Trying to deal with this to the best of my powers (and hopefully getting stronger and wiser from it) is in my eyes far less selfish than doing the big confession stunt and letting my boyfriend deal with the mess. [/quote'] I might feel more supportive of this if you seemed like (1) you "owned" more fully that what you have already done is beyond a one-sided girl-crush, (2) you recognized the damage you may have already caused to the foundation of your relationship with your boyfriend, even if that damage is not yet discovered; and (3) you recognized the ill-wisdom of trying to continue any further contact with "John," let alone attempting to foster a continuning friendship. And a final thought about your good "friend" John: you do realize that. in spite of beign fully aware that you are in a committed relationship already, this "friend" is grooming you for sex, right? Edited August 22, 2010 by Trimmer
fooled once Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Hmm, yes, I'd hate to seem like the kind of person who disputes or ignores any statement that contradicts her own beliefs (because I'm not, usually), but you must admit that stating you KNOW the relationship between two people you don't know is doomed, just based on the (very biased, I might add) descriptions of some parts of it, is kind of presumptuous. Of course everybody speaks from their own experiences and world views and all that. No problem you thinking that, but allow me to take issue (though not offence). Here's what my bf and I have in common: a 7 year history of love and friendship level of education views on politics, religion, social & family matters ideas about the/our future most interests and hobbies sense of humour a dog Here's what we have not (quite yet) got in common: sex drive Yet you claim to know for sure we're a match made in the pits of hell. As I said: I'm not quite ready to believe you, if I may be so bold Also, I'm getting a sense from you that you don't believe I have an ounce of self-restraint and common sense. I cannot possibly claim I can keep myself from being in love with John. I CAN however most certainly claim that I'll have the presence of mind not to get naked and jump into bed with him. Whether you believe that or not is totally up to you. If I have to come up with an excuse not to go to John's place next saturday... what would you propose I'd say? Without suggesting, obviously, the "horny for you" issue? Just curious :-) Yep, you and BF don't share honesty, communication nor loyalty. You mentioned telling John of your failed sex life with BF. Do you think your BF would be happy to know you are sharing that with some guy? I doubt it. Hah okay, touché mon amie, I'll give you "honesty". I'm not totally convinced that having a one-sided crush on someone else indisputably means a lack of loyalty. Though, I am aware of the rationalisation process people involved in emotional affairs have, saying that "I haven't allowed something physical to happen yet, therefore I should be put on a pedestal and lauded for my virtue". Not that naive. I'll let you guys know how it went. As for now, I'd like to thank you all for giving me the opportunity to douse you in drivel and expect the answer to life, the universe and everything in return, preferably a straight-forward, uncomplicated and easily digestible one that would fit on a T-shirt and make my life a living wellness centre of youth and happiness. I'm nearly as stubborn as I am uncertain, but you're all darlings and I wish for you to never have to queue in the rain anywhere ever (unless you're going to a Justin Bieber concert, then it's really all on your own head). Since you plan to do it anyway, why post here asking for thoughts? Did you want us all to wish you well with playing with fire? From your first post.... I didn't know about "Emotional Affairs" yet but I was damn well diving into one, head-long. So in the end I confessed to him, as a token of friendship I suppose (and I still don't know how I dared to) my concerns about my failed sexlife with my boyfriend. Which was like this: he started telling me about how he makes love to a woman. Or, how he feels a man SHOULD make love to a woman, and the various ways in which he tries to honour this sentiment. Back home, we continued our chat online. He let me complain about sex, he told me how it's such a pity a vibrant woman like me doesn't get satisfied, how he wouldn't have let it happen in the first place... and then, then! One evening (boyfriend out of the house), he asked me if I would like to take a bath. And chat. Fine, I felt naughty (hey, still madly in love with this guy!). And curious. So, into the bubbles I went, he made various comments about webcams and nude modelling (he draws sometimes), I laughed them off in a "you wouldn't be interested in little ol' me" fashion... And then he told me to shut up and listen - read, that is - a story. And relax. Oh dear. That night he told me the most delicious erotic tale featuring a girl in a bath. And yes, he "succeeded", thank you very much. ****! (well, quite). More talk, and some awkwardness on my side of the laptop screen. He's invited me for a sleepover at his place next week, in the guise of a "private lesson". (I've been to his house before, mind you, and slept in a couch-bed in his bedroom, right next to his bed. We talked all night (yes, about sex), and slept for maybe two hours.) The things I want to do to him (or no: want him to do to me) are x-rated to the degree it could have the most devastating effect on my relationship with the man I want to spend my life with (which is empathically not this John guy: no relationship material for me! I just want to have good sex for once, damnit!). So yeah, woops. Why the hell did I write all this? I don't know, it's therapeutic, I think the idea that this story is "out there" is comforting to me. All my friends are friends of my boyfriend's as well (after seven years together, that's inevitable). I *am* going to go to him next week, but I just don't know how I'll behave. Or how I should. Should I let myself go for just one night, should the occasion arise? Is John really a perverted bastard? Or just a sweet, concerned friend with a naughty side, like we all have? /QUOTE] Do you think your boyfriend would be happy to know you were in a bath, on the phone, reading a porn story from a guy you have a huge crush on? Do you think your boyfriend would be happy to know you are going to a SLEEP over at this guys house? Again, where did boyfriend think you were the other time you spent the night at his house? Did you LIE to your boyfriend about where you were? You asked for advice on should you let yourself get good sex just once from this guy? I think you posted this to stir the pot. I think you just want to see how riled up you can make people because for the life of me, I can't believe you would expect ANYONE here to tell you "sure, go cheat on your boyfriend for just one night, it's okay ... everyone deserves to have great sex at least once".
VeveCakes Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 You don't think your plans on cheating on your bf warrant some honesty?? If only for one reason at all, make it the reason that you be honest to give him a fighting chance to improve your relationship. Your boyfriend deserves at the very LEAST that much. If you throw that away without so much of giving him a chance, then you don't deserve him.
torranceshipman Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Thanks for the advice, but really, I'll need a lot more convincing that sex is important enough to abandon an otherwise perfect relationship for. I want nothing more than for my boyfriend to be my life partner and the father of my children. What if - I've often thought this - the problem is really just me: someone who's only started "self exploration" at age 19 after having been TOLD this possibility even exists, can't have a high or even average libido for a woman, no matter how her sex life turns out to be. Back in the days when we were still trying, when my boyfriend was trying to please me manually or orally, I found myself preoccupied with all sorts of thoughts (and worrying that he was getting bored), I simply could not clear my mind at all. Isn't that largely my issue then? I might just be a very "difficult" person. For example: vaginal stimulation does absolutely nothing for me, it baffles me that some women can achieve orgasm simply from (regular) penetration alone! Statistics claim one in five (or so) women can't even orgasm at all! Maybe I'm an example of somebody who can only do it on her own? Now, if I were to break up with my long-term boyfriend whom I'd follow to the end of the earth if need be, just to find out that other men aren't any good either and this is just "my problem", what then? I'd never forgive myself. Anyone who thinks the ancient Greeks shouldn't be quoted or referred to deserves to be doomed to forever stand in line at Manchester airport awaiting a total body scan with no toilets or lawyers in sight! Hey, as an academic I have no problem with people quoting Aristotle, but I do have a problem with a lazy use of it to justify cheating on a partner! I had almost no sex life with my high school boyfriend who I was with for many years (I didn't know how good it could be, so I didn't miss it!). Then , when I met my next boyfriend who I had great chemistry with, he pretty much blew my head off and my interest in that side of things was completely reshaped You're already disrespecting your boyfriend, and you can try and intellectualize that if you want, but it is plain and simple garden variety disrespect and cheating...you might as well call a spade a spade where that is concerned.
theodora Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Hello Hells Bells Your story was indeed very entertaining. I think the reason why the posts have taken a turn for the not so supportive is because you are a bit - don't take this the wrong way - it's not a criticism - I belive we ALL do it over love and sex things - but you do sound a bit delusional ...(sorry) The people on here are really wise and have been through alot. Whether you agree with what they say or not, and I often disagree with details, and have come up arguing against people before, it isn't because they aren't wise. They are. It's just a fact. They know what they're talking about. I think you sensed that, and that's why you posted here. The only thing I have to add to this thread, which I honestly think is composed of utter wisdom from start to finish, beginning with Jennie Jennie and ending with silly girl, is to reflect back to you what you said about you and your boyfriend's sex life: sex with him doesn't please you, but you do it three times a week to please him? I find this really upsetting. Sex is not a duty. You are not a wank object. You are a human being. Your orgasm is IMPORTANT. My god, this makes me angry. How is it possible that you think this is ok? I don't blame YOU. Not for one second. I certainly did this as a young woman: thought if a guy wanted to have sex with me then I just had to do it. But I don't think it now. And for real, I think it's an effed up and damaging way to treat your own body. It doesn't really surprise me, given this, that you are considering cheating on your bf. Because, frankly, whatever you might "think", it seems to me like maybe he doesn't respect you very much. I'm sorry if that isn't what you want to hear either, but you can't just blame yourself for the lack of sex being good. And if he KNOWS that the sex isn't good for you...then why is he still wanting to shag you three times a week? If I knew my bf didn't LIKE having sex with me, didn't get off on it, wasn't pleasured by it, then...um...I would either sort it out, or stop shagging him!!! I actually think that no matter what you say about your relationship, your dog, your "honesty" you actually don't really know what a good relationship is. And hey, nor do I. Read my posts. You'll see I'm a complete idiot. But sometimes it's easier to see how someone else is messing up, than see it in yourself You DO deserve good sex. But what you get with John might not be good sex. Because you might, and again, take it from one who KNOWS, be trapped into a cycle of having sex with disrespectful men. Until you recognise that the sexual issues you have with your boyfriend suggest you have low self esteem, and have not claimed your true sexual power, then it is unlikely you are going to have a really true and loving experience with John. remember : John sees you coming a MILE OFF. He knows what he's doing. He knows you're naive. He knows you're vulnerable. He knows he's in control of you. And damnit, that is sexy. I can't lie. John sounds hot. I'd definitely want to have sex with him myself if I was you If you want to have sex with John (and you do) then nothing will stop you. You're going to do it. But please. Be. Careful. Meant with care. Hope not offensive. Good luck.
Trimmer Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 The only thing I have to add to this thread, which I honestly think is composed of utter wisdom from start to finish, beginning with Jennie Jennie and ending with silly girl... Dang! I juuuust missed the cut.
theodora Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Dang! I juuuust missed the cut. Nooooooooooooo!!! You too are wise!!! I just looked at what i thought was most recent post .... I think maybe OP has stopped checking thread anyway. Hope she is ok.
Trimmer Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 Nooooooooooooo!!! You too are wise!!! I just looked at what i thought was most recent post .... I think maybe OP has stopped checking thread anyway. Hope she is ok. Eh, I was just messin' with ya... Actually, a lot of my comments focused on the OP's responsibility to the committed relationship she was in - and I stand by those - but I also agree with the added dimension of your perspective that she should evaluate the state of that relationship, and consider her responsibility to herself, her body, and her being, as an important part of that...
OWoman Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I know I'm coming to this late, and the OP may already have departed, but my immediate concern on reading this thread was... you deserve good sex once?? What makes you think that once you've had good sex, you'll be happy to go back to unsatisfying sex? Won't the good sex make the boyfriend sex seem downright awful? What will stop you then from feeling you deserve some more good sex, from John or anyone else? This really strikes me as a hiding to nothing...
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