leftfield Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 (edited) My ex and I broke up about six weeks ago, when she decided she couldn't cope with the relationship any more. There were a number of reasons for it, which I won't go into, but basically she'd become unhappy and as time went on I think she felt trapped. We had been having problems, I can see that now, but I buried my head at the time because I was already stressed enough with money troubles and other problems. Anyway, I should have seen it coming but inevitably it hit me like a brick when she told me we were through, and of course I was left feeling pretty devastated. We'd been together for a year and a half and had talked about marriage. I'd never even considered that with past relationships. She immediately fed me the "can we still be friends line", which I initially went for like a sucker. In the following weeks we spoke once or twice and I apologised for my part in the break up, which I think was the fair and mature thing to do. She did the same. But then I asked her to just give me some space for a while, as we'd still been texting each other up to that point. It was actually when I found this forum that I finally realised that NC was the only was I was truly going to get over the heartache. So for the past three or four weeks I've been the one that has really tried to maintain NC, although there have been bumps in the road because of money owed etc. etc., but the thing is, she has been the one that has regularly broken NC, even though I've specifically asked to her not to. Some times I can sort of understand it, but today she turned up asking for a clothes drying rail that she had left at my flat. I mean, what the hell is that all about? It cost pennies, she could have just bought another one. I'm pretty sure she bought it, so fine, it's her property, but does she really desperately need that thing so much that she is prepared to hurt me to get it! She knows I don't want to see her, so seriously, why? It's not the first time either, a couple of weeks ago she called after about a week of NC to ask me about a lamp. A f-ing lamp! I don't get how she can be so cold and clinical about this. I accept that we've broken up, so I don't expect affection, but nor do I feel I deserve heartless BS like this. Every time she speaks to me about these ridiculous meaningless little treasures it takes me hours, or days to regain my focus, to start healing and feeling better about myself again. Coming to my place to collect items that I know for a fact she doesn't really need, only serves to hurt me, because it's like she's implicitly saying, "This lamp (or whatever) is important to me and I want it", thereby placing me below it in the pecking order of things that are important in her life - since I'm clearly not wanted. Is she just messing with me? Does she just want to keep tabs on me or something? Will she even realise what this kind of treatment does to me! I always thought she was a warm and caring person when we were together, so what happened to that person? Damn it, the NC starts again. Until she remembers I still have a packet of raisins in the back of the cupboard that she bought in July 2009. Edited August 19, 2010 by leftfield
Nappeal Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Damn it, the NC starts again. Until she remembers I still have a packet of raisins in the back of the cupboard that she bought in July 2009. It doesn't sound too much like she is trying to hurt you, but rather get your attention. Maybe she misses you as well, but if that's the case, these little things are not enough to be worth your attention. Keep up w the NC.
BiAxident Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Well, it sounds like at the very least she isnt bothered by the regular contact, and as such doesnt really think much of it? If you explain to her that the contact is setting you back a bit, she might lay off for a while?
ShannonMI Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I feel the same way about my ex and his need to see our dog. I took the dog when we split. He wanted visitation of him and at first I agreed to it because I was trying to be nice. Then it got to be annoying. I told him he could pick the dog up and drop him off when I wasn't at home because I couldn't deal with seeing him. He'd send me these stupid texts about the dog and it was never to ask about ME and MY well being. I felt like the dog was more important to him then me, someone he'd been in an 8 year relationship with. I called him out on it and he said he didn't ask about my well being because he knew I wanted as little contact as possible, but the dog texts were ok in his mind. Ridiculous. It really started to piss me off, so I said no more dog and no more contact. That's what you need to do. Tell her no more contact. Period. These trivial things she thinks shes contacting you about are just that...Trivial. Tell her to stop. You need time to move on and heal. She's doing it to have some sort of contact with you is what I'm guessing. It was the same with my ex. Using the dog to keep the contact even if it wasn't much. You don't need it. You need to tell her that.
Author leftfield Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Thanks for your responses everyone. I'm inclined to agree that this probably isn't an act of malice, just more a selfish act in the sense that she still wants to know what's going on in my life at the moment, possibly to see if I've curled up into a little ball and shrunk into the corner, hiding away from her shining light of freedom. Well I haven't, I'm not going to lose my dignity and self respect as well as my love. I feel a bit miserable today, but it doesn't feel like the pining loss I felt before, it's more like resentment, tinged with anger. I'm not naturally an angry person, so I don't see that it will manifest itself in any other way than posting on here and talking about it, but it's still frustrating that she can cause me to feel anything. I just want to delete her from my life and start again. The sooner that can happen the better.
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