What's going on with me?

August 19, 2010

Nah, I have to disagree with telling her. Seriously, if I'm not doing this again what's the point? Isn't it more selfish to not want this plaguing my mind and tell her than to keep it in and punish myself? Were I consistantly doing this then I could understand your point. And what would be gained? Hurt feelings, a good marriage ended because I couldn't handle keeping it to myself? That's being selfish. Were I to have feelings for this other woman then yes I'd have to tell her. But a momentary lapse in judgement on my part isn't cause for a massive eruption (no pun intended).

Look, obviously some of you have been cheated on and it obviously hurts ... a lot. But instead of being angry at me, try to think logically. I didn't think logically yesterday, but I certainly am now. Reading your responses helps me see things from the victims point of view. But there wasn't any emotional involvement. Hell, there wasn't even that much physical involvement.

Again, this was to help me vent this. To sort it out. Keeping it in my head and having the thoughts played and replayed in my head wasn't going to help.

Just answer this one question...what are you gonna do when she finds out? You don't know this woman...perhaps your wife does? Or knows someone who knows her? Things like this have a tendency to get out...

Or, slim to none chance here, but still a chance...she does get an STD? It doesn't matter if it was just one lick or not...if she has anything, there's a chance you do too...and then you can pass it to your wife...can you watch her suffer, knowing you did that to her?

Edited August 19, 2010 by hunnybea

August 19, 2010

Nah, I have to disagree with telling her. Seriously, if I'm not doing this again what's the point? Isn't it more selfish to not want this plaguing my mind and tell her than to keep it in and punish myself? Were I consistantly doing this then I could understand your point. And what would be gained? Hurt feelings, a good marriage ended because I couldn't handle keeping it to myself? That's being selfish. Were I to have feelings for this other woman then yes I'd have to tell her. But a momentary lapse in judgement on my part isn't cause for a massive eruption (no pun intended).

Look, obviously some of you have been cheated on and it obviously hurts ... a lot. But instead of being angry at me, try to think logically. I didn't think logically yesterday, but I certainly am now. Reading your responses helps me see things from the victims point of view. But there wasn't any emotional involvement. Hell, there wasn't even that much physical involvement.

Again, this was to help me vent this. To sort it out. Keeping it in my head and having the thoughts played and replayed in my head wasn't going to help.

Excuses. Just like hunnybea said, what are you going to do when she finds out?

August 19, 2010

Other than getting an STD, how would she find out? This was out of state, at lunch after a meeting. A good hour away from where I work, which is an hour away from where I live. I know karma can be a b*tch but there's seriously no way. She wasn't even in the meeting. She doesn't even work where the meeting was held. I was at lunch alone and so was she.

And I'm sorry for those of you that have been cheated on. Just reading the intensity of your responses makes me realize what an ass I was yesterday. I'm basically disgusted with myself now. I feel dirty, like i can't get clean.

This seriously sucks.

August 19, 2010

You'd be surprised how people find this stuff out. There may be no way...and it may not happen for a while...but it will be found out. 10 years from now maybe...You think you can hide stuff like this, but you can't forever.

And my opinion has nothing to do with being cheated on. I would have said the same thing 6 months ago.

August 19, 2010

Other than getting an STD, how would she find out? This was out of state, at lunch after a meeting. A good hour away from where I work, which is an hour away from where I live. I know karma can be a b*tch but there's seriously no way. She wasn't even in the meeting. She doesn't even work where the meeting was held. I was at lunch alone and so was she.

Hi wizard, I like the honesty in your postings. I can almost see your thought process as you have written through out your thread. It's good to see and such honesty is refreshing.

I'm not going to get on the whole tell/don't tell topic because it will likely turn into a heated debate in no time. People here have strong feelings about it on both sides. I actually kind of sit on the fence about it because each situation is different.

Just remember that the truth has a funny way of coming out sometimes...even years later. I don't know why this is, but it's true.

And I'm sorry for those of you that have been cheated on. Just reading the intensity of your responses makes me realize what an ass I was yesterday. I'm basically disgusted with myself now.

Thank you for your understanding...some of the people responding here have been cheated on, me included. But you are getting good advice--I've been around here for awhile and seen people in your position treated meanly.

Honestly, you should feel disgusted with yourself now. You did a disgusting thing, there is no two ways about it.

I feel dirty, like i can't get clean.

This statement resonates with me because my H (he confessed his A to me although it took a few months for him to come clean) said almost the same thing to me. That he felt dirty.

I think this statement says a lot about YOU...that you have a conscience, that you care about right from wrong, that you hated what you did.

This all speaks very well of you.

August 19, 2010

I guess I have no serious guilt feelings (like throwing up, stuff like that) because I really know deep down I have no real intentions of meeting again. I guess I just wanted to vent and figure out why, after all these years of fidelity, I did this? I've always prided myself on being a faithful husband. Of having a great wife who's beautiful and does so much for me. Other women have tried to come on to me and I've shot them down flat .... immediately.

I can tell you flatly that if you are caught, if you continue, if your wife finds out; you will lose EVERY bit of trust, faith, and respect she has in you. You might not have any idea how important those things are in your marriage, but I assure you that if the day comes that you find them gone then you will know exactly their importance.

You've heard of people who became addicted to a drug after trying it only once, well this type of sexual encounter can become just as addictive. Infact, if you continue then you will see your posts about your wife begin to change, also feelings perhaps grow for another woman.

Check out notsure7's threads.

Here is one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192097/?highlight=notsure

Nothing good can come from breaking the sanctity of your marriage vows and your wife's trust. The fact that you are not guilty says a lot. What is the difference, do you think, in cheating once and not being caught or cheating over and over until you get caught. If she doesn't know, it doesn't hurt her, right. So where do you draw the line?

It seems kind of crazy to think that you would be faithful for 26 years then only try something like this once. I mean, since you now can never go back to being a "faithful" husband, why would you stop with a job half done? And the saddest thing is, if she does find out, she will never love or look at you the same.

August 19, 2010

Yea, the part where it is agreed upon both of them is total BS. We all know that once they go down that path of being with others instead of their own spouse, it will cloud their judgement and will have them leaving their marriage permanently, whether its an affair or "open marriage."

well if "we all know that", the people involved in the open relationship would know that as well. They would know that if they open up that door in their relationship there is a risk that a spouse could develop feelings for the person they're sleeping with on the side - they would know that as a risk and if they choose to still take their chances - that's their business.

If thats always a risk then what makes it better than an affair. Sure they know that when letting their spouse have someone else that emotions may evolve, but what if they didn't know that when agreeing to the terms and their spouse ended up leaving them. I thought when having an open marriage that both spouses are supposed to still commit to their spouse while having someone else.

It makes it better than an affair because there would be no lying between the spouses - there wouldn't be 1 spouse sitting at home thinking all is sunshine & rainbows with the other is screwing someone else behind their back - honesty is what makes it better - you can't see to grasp that concept.

Baloney. Deceit will always appear, no matter how innocent sleeping with someone else seems.

You seem to think that everyone who sleeps with someone outside a marriage is a liar and a coward, and what I'm saying is that they are NOT if the other spouse has agreed to that arrangement. I think it takes a LOT of honesty and courage to have a discussion with a spouse about having an open marriage - the people who have affairs don't bother to do that, and that leads to a lot of hurt.

I know a few couples in open marriages (not many, but a few), and they are happy, the people on the side know what the situation is, and agree to the limitations of it.

Maybe we're of different generations and that's why you're having a difficult time understanding it, because your thinking might be a lot more traditional (p.s. I really don't mean that as an insult at all)

Open marriages are just as bad as affairs. Just because both spouses consciously knows that his/her spouse is being fuccked by somebody else doesn't make the situation better. One of those spouses could still end up leaving the other for someone else.

Well countless couples get married, and then fall out of love, or just simply can't work together anymore and get divorced, the point is, the risk of leaving a marriage is ALWAYS there, whether the people are just married, one is having an affair, or if its an open marriage. The risk that things could fall apart is always there when people commit to "forever" - it doesn't always last that long.

August 19, 2010

Other than getting an STD, how would she find out? This was out of state, at lunch after a meeting. A good hour away from where I work, which is an hour away from where I live. I know karma can be a b*tch but there's seriously no way. She wasn't even in the meeting. She doesn't even work where the meeting was held. I was at lunch alone and so was she.

Wizard,

What the heck kind of woman does what you just described???? Was it a dare? Maybe I'm just really out of touch, but there isn't a woman I know that would walk up to a man, start making out, and unzip his pants. I realize thats the stuff male fantasies are made of, but seriously, WHO DOES THAT.... and WHY?????

August 19, 2010

Other than getting an STD, how would she find out? This was out of state, at lunch after a meeting. A good hour away from where I work, which is an hour away from where I live. I know karma can be a b*tch but there's seriously no way. She wasn't even in the meeting. She doesn't even work where the meeting was held. I was at lunch alone and so was she.

And I'm sorry for those of you that have been cheated on. Just reading the intensity of your responses makes me realize what an ass I was yesterday. I'm basically disgusted with myself now. I feel dirty, like i can't get clean.

This seriously sucks.

Wizard, as you said karma can be a female dog. This stuff often finds a way of sneaking up on you.

I've been on both sides of the cheaters fence. You have facked up royally my friend. Do you tell her, or do you stay quiet.

That is the 64 million dollar question. I told, but my situation was vastly different. I have never been told, always the last to know syndrome.

If you feel sure your wife is at no risk whatsoever of catching anything, and you are absolutely positive this woman will not pop out of nowhere on you, then I would advise silence. You deal with your own shoddy behaviour. Like you said it sucks, but you did it, so deal with it. If you are sure you will never do it again, and I mean sure, then why torture your wife.

I know I will be given short shrift by people advocating honesty, and I agree with honesty in a relationship. One slip in such a long time does fall outside the black and white zone, IMO.

You will be told, and with good reason, that your wife deserves to know the truth. She does need to base her life choices on the full truth of the situation. I would normally be in this camp, but in a marriage of such long standing I am not so sure. I realise the double standards I am advocating here too.

You have done something stupid and adolescent, if you keep it to yourself you run the risk of a far worse outcome later on. If you admit it you risk losing your wife now.

If you keep it to yourself, she never finds out and you remain faithful for the rest of your marriage, it seems to me less harm will be done. But I have to stress that you need to remain faithful for this premise to hold true. Forsaking all others, you know, like you promised all those years ago.

August 19, 2010

well if "we all know that", the people involved in the open relationship would know that as well. They would know that if they open up that door in their relationship there is a risk that a spouse could develop feelings for the person they're sleeping with on the side - they would know that as a risk and if they choose to still take their chances - that's their business.

Oh really? "You say thats their business" as if you don't approve of open marriage. If you know that "we all know that," and that there is a high risk that one's spouse could leave the marriage, then why the hell are you advocating open marriage, since you seem to agree that in both (affairs and open marriages) there are risks. What's the whole point then?

It makes it better than an affair because there would be no lying between the spouses - there wouldn't be 1 spouse sitting at home thinking all is sunshine & rainbows with the other is screwing someone else behind their back - honesty is what makes it better - you can't see to grasp that concept.

It wouldn't be sunshine and rainbows knowing your spouse is screwing someone else whether its an affair or an "open marriage." There is no honesty in an open marriage because how you will know your spouse isn't planning to leave you for the OM/OW while they're with that person. I don't think you can seem to grasp the concept that when having an extramarital partner, its secrecy involved, especially if one of the spouses can't watch their spouse getting banged. I would never grasp that concept anyway because its baloney phoney to me. The thought of having OM's penis in my ex's coochie still gets me angry, and that is why I left her.

You seem to think that everyone who sleeps with someone outside a marriage is a liar and a coward, and what I'm saying is that they are NOT if the other spouse has agreed to that arrangement. I think it takes a LOT of honesty and courage to have a discussion with a spouse about having an open marriage - the people who have affairs don't bother to do that, and that leads to a lot of hurt.

So are you telling me that a person who has an emotional and/or physical affair with someone outside their relationship/marriage is not a liar and a coward?:lmao:

Just because the spouses discussed their options regarding open marriage won't mean they will follow every rule. If one of the spouses decides to leave their marriage for OM/OW then that leads to heartbreak. Deep down, they know they feel guilty agreeing to let their spouse screw someone else, no matter how "aroused" they get. Open marriage can lead to a lot of hurt/guilt just as much as an affair.

I know a few couples in open marriages (not many, but a few), and they are happy, the people on the side know what the situation is, and agree to the limitations of it.

Well good for them.

Maybe we're of different generations and that's why you're having a difficult time understanding it, because your thinking might be a lot more traditional (p.s. I really don't mean that as an insult at all)

Yes, we may be. That could be a factor. No offense taken. But I don't have a difficult time understanding it (I did my fair share of research), I just find it disgusting.

Well countless couples get married, and then fall out of love, or just simply can't work together anymore and get divorced, the point is, the risk of leaving a marriage is ALWAYS there, whether the people are just married, one is having an affair, or if its an open marriage. The risk that things could fall apart is always there when people commit to "forever" - it doesn't always last that long.

Just because countless fall out of love doesn't mean that having an open marriage will make it any better than an affair, or just being married, etc. Of course the risk is there, which I so bluntly pointed out to you earlier, and if forever doesn't last long, then why even bother having an "open marriage?"

August 19, 2010

Wizard,

What the heck kind of woman does what you just described???? Was it a dare? Maybe I'm just really out of touch, but there isn't a woman I know that would walk up to a man, start making out, and unzip his pants. I realize thats the stuff male fantasies are made of, but seriously, WHO DOES THAT.... and WHY?????

I don't know, maybe her boyfriend/pimp was taking photos and they're going to black mail OP?

Stranger things have happened.

Also I'm not clear who did oral to who, I'll have to re-read. Obviously if "she" was doing oral to him maybe "she" might not have been a "she."

and some oral on her part

OK "she" did the oral. OP unless you pulled her pants down there might be some gender confusion mixed up with all the rest of this mess.

Edited August 19, 2010 by InceptorsRule

August 19, 2010

No offense, because I truly appreciate each and every one of your responses, but can those of you discussing "open marriage" take it someplace else? This isn't the issue here. If my wife wants an open marriage, she'll bring it up. My stupidity yesterday is cause enough for a discussion.

I'm not going to tell her. As far as I'm concerned there's nothing to tell. I know honesty is the best policy, but there's also a phrase that says if you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all. I did something very stupid and very wrong, no denying that. But now there are two ways to make it worse ... to meet up with this woman or to tell my wife despite not meeting with her ever again. There are other issues going on in my life that I won't discuss here, that came to a head yesterday morning. Maybe my vulnerability caused this, maybe not. I couldn't get an erection with this woman yet I did easily that night with my wife. To me that means my feelings are much stronger for my wife than for any other woman. So why bother with an affair? I'm not unhappy with my marriage. I enjoy being with my wife as much as we possibly can. I'm writing all of this not to convince you but to give myself a cold slap in the face. Everything you've all said of how disgusting I am, what a small, juvenile thing to do .... it's all true. Hell, I can't even remember what that woman looked like. I just can't believe i was such an idiot. So full of myself. I feel so sick right now. I can picture my wife crying over this and it's breaking my heart.

I have to go. I'm too upset to write anymore. I'm sorry if what I've written has brought foul memories to some of you. I really apologize for that. I remember watching Cheaters with my wife once and seeing this woman sobbing. It made my eyes well up and I turned to my wife and said I would never hurt you like that. What a lie, huh?

You're good people. I'm sorry to have bothered you with this mess I've made. I was just looking for some clarity. Now I feel like throwing up.

August 19, 2010

I don't know, maybe her boyfriend/pimp was taking photos and they're going to black mail OP?

Stranger things have happened.

Also I'm not clear who did oral to who, I'll have to re-read. Obviously if "she" was doing oral to him maybe "she" might not have been a "she."

OK "she" did the oral. OP unless you pulled her pants down there might be some gender confusion mixed up with all the rest of this mess.

Along this line of thinking----I was wondering if it could've been a set-up also. Maybe not for blackmail, but to tease and entice the OP enough to get him to agree to a second meeting in a more discreet location, where he would be robbed blind. These things do happen............."hey, what happened to my kidney!!"

Or, more likely, what happened to my wallet, and what day is it?

August 19, 2010

It made my eyes well up and I turned to my wife and said I would never hurt you like that. What a lie, huh?

You're good people. I'm sorry to have bothered you with this mess I've made. I was just looking for some clarity. Now I feel like throwing up.

It wasn't a lie, if you don't hurt her.

You have nothing to apologise to LS for. There will be more confusion before you reach some sort of clarity.

Keep writing it out and reading it back to yourself. Post if here if you like to get 'alternative' views.

Feel better it about it soon, then look for some clear space to get your head around the situation.

August 19, 2010

I'm not going to tell her. As far as I'm concerned there's nothing to tell. I know honesty is the best policy, but there's also a phrase that says if you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all. I did something very stupid and very wrong, no denying that. But now there are two ways to make it worse ... to meet up with this woman or to tell my wife despite not meeting with her ever again. There are other issues going on in my life that I won't discuss here, that came to a head yesterday morning. Maybe my vulnerability caused this, maybe not. I couldn't get an erection with this woman yet I did easily that night with my wife. To me that means my feelings are much stronger for my wife than for any other woman. So why bother with an affair? I'm not unhappy with my marriage. I enjoy being with my wife as much as we possibly can. I'm writing all of this not to convince you but to give myself a cold slap in the face. Everything you've all said of how disgusting I am, what a small, juvenile thing to do .... it's all true. Hell, I can't even remember what that woman looked like. I just can't believe i was such an idiot. So full of myself. I feel so sick right now. I can picture my wife crying over this and it's breaking my heart.

That alone should be enough for you to come clean. Who knows she might just stay with you.

I have to go. I'm too upset to write anymore. I'm sorry if what I've written has brought foul memories to some of you. I really apologize for that. I remember watching Cheaters with my wife once and seeing this woman sobbing. It made my eyes well up and I turned to my wife and said I would never hurt you like that. What a lie, huh?

You're good people. I'm sorry to have bothered you with this mess I've made. I was just looking for some clarity. Now I feel like throwing up.

Just come clean, before the guilt and stress tears you apart.

August 19, 2010

Oh really? "You say thats their business" as if you don't approve of open marriage. If you know that "we all know that," and that there is a high risk that one's spouse could leave the marriage, then why the hell are you advocating open marriage, since you seem to agree that in both (affairs and open marriages) there are risks. What's the whole point then?

I'm not backing out of what I said. All I'm saying is that maybe after people have been married for so long, if an open marriage works for them - that's their business - I still think its a lot better than an afair in the sense that it's more honest, and that way, both spouses are on the same page and can get some side action.

So are you telling me that a person who has an emotional and/or physical affair with someone outside their relationship/marriage is not a liar and a coward?:lmao:

I'm saying that someone having sex with a person outside the marriage is not a liar if it has already been agreed upon by the other spouse. If that arrangement works for them - good for them, there is no lie.

That's why people in open marriages can set certain rules with each other

regarding what kind of relations the spouses can have with the extra parties.

Just because the spouses discussed their options regarding open marriage won't mean they will follow every rule.

Fine, but once the agreed upon rules are broken, then it becomes a lie, and it wasn't the original deal.

I'm not saying that that particular scenario isn't possible, but that depends on the people involved. And I'm sure that's something people in open marriages would consider before they agree to opening that door in their relationship.

If one of the spouses decides to leave their marriage for OM/OW then that leads to heartbreak. Deep down, they know they feel guilty agreeing to let their spouse screw someone else, no matter how "aroused" they get. Open marriage can lead to a lot of hurt/guilt just as much as an affair.

It could go badly, I see that, but at least it started out on a more honest ground. THat's all I'm saying.

I'm not saying its a fix for a bad marriage, I'm saing its a way more fair option in a marriage that's gone stale.

Well good for them.

Be sarcastic all you want. I'm just letting you know that its possible.

Yes, we may be. That could be a factor. No offense taken. But I don't have a difficult time understanding it (I did my fair share of research), I just find it disgusting.

I can certainly understand that.

I've never been married and I honestly don't know that one day I'd be a fan of it (marriage or open relationships ), I don't know that yet - but I still think that discussing it with a spouse at least gives them more consideration instead of just having one party go out and secretly cheat on the other. After the discussion, then its up to the couple to figure out what works for them, if they want to try it, if they find it disgusting, if they should do more to spice up their sex life so that they are still happy with just each other.

Just because countless fall out of love doesn't mean that having an open marriage will make it any better than an affair, or just being married, etc. Of course the risk is there, which I so bluntly pointed out to you earlier, and if forever doesn't last long, then why even bother having an "open marriage?"

Maybe its just me, but I'd rather have the fact of my partner's desires/wants and be able to discuss them, before they actually go out behind my back and screw around on me - I'm not saying I'd agree to what they want, but at least that conversation would lead to a dialogue about things that could be done to reignite the fire in our relationship.

And then if we can't agree on what to do next - at least I'd have the facts, I wouldn't have been lied to or cheated on and if the relationship no longer works, it would be time to move on.

I just like getting the full picutre - thats why I think an open marriage is better than an affair.

August 19, 2010

I'm not backing out of what I said. All I'm saying is that maybe after people have been married for so long, if an open marriage works for them - that's their business - I still think its a lot better than an afair in the sense that it's more honest, and that way, both spouses are on the same page and can get some side action.

An open marriage is just as bad as an affair. Know why, because those spouses took vows to be there for one another, forever, not to have some azz on the side. If they want a lot of azz than they receive when married to each other then they should've never got married and should divorce, before the dishonesty comes.

I'm saying that someone having sex with a person outside the marriage is not a liar if it has already been agreed upon by the other spouse. If that arrangement works for them - good for them, there is no lie.
That's why people in open marriages can set certain rules with each other
regarding what kind of relations the spouses can have with the extra parties.

No. You didn't say that initially when I called you on it. Even if it is agreed upon there will still be lies, whether rules were made or not. Obviously, when having an extramarital person the rules/vows don't matter to that spouse.

Fine, but once the agreed upon rules are broken, then it becomes a lie, and it wasn't the original deal.

I'm not saying that that particular scenario isn't possible, but that depends on the people involved. And I'm sure that's something people in open marriages would consider before they agree to opening that door in their relationship.

It doesn't depend on the people involved, and if they want to open their legs for others then they should take off their rings and divorce because that is not what marriage is for.

It could go badly, I see that, but at least it started out on a more honest ground. THat's all I'm saying.
I'm not saying its a fix for a bad marriage, I'm saing its a way more fair option in a marriage that's gone stale.

At least it started on a MORE HONEST ground? So are you saying that open marriages are not completely honest? I thought you said they are 100% cheatproof. Marriage is not perfect, and the spark will fade from time to time, you just have to learn to stay committed and make the marriage better, excluding extramarital partners.

Be sarcastic all you want. I'm just letting you know that its possible.

I can certainly understand that.
I've never been married and I honestly don't know that one day I'd be a fan of it (marriage or open relationships ), I don't know that yet - but I still think that discussing it with a spouse at least gives them more consideration instead of just having one party go out and secretly cheat on the other. After the discussion, then its up to the couple to figure out what works for them, if they want to try it, if they find it disgusting, if they should do more to spice up their sex life so that they are still happy with just each other.

There are many ways to spice up sex lives, but it doesn't include stepping outside of marriage to find those ways.

Maybe its just me, but I'd rather have the fact of my partner's desires/wants and be able to discuss them, before they actually go out behind my back and screw around on me - I'm not saying I'd agree to what they want, but at least that conversation would lead to a dialogue about things that could be done to reignite the fire in our relationship.

Good for you.

And then if we can't agree on what to do next - at least I'd have the facts, I wouldn't have been lied to or cheated on and if the relationship no longer works, it would be time to move on.

Good for you.

I just like getting the full picutre - thats why I think an open marriage is better than an affair.

Getting the full picture? Oh, you'll be getting the full picture alright...it'll just be how dishonest you SO can be, whether its "open marriage," or an affair. That's why open marriages and affairs are no good because they both include dishonesty.

August 20, 2010

At least it started on a MORE HONEST ground? So are you saying that open marriages are not completely honest? I thought you said they are 100% cheatproof.

I'm saying that it starts on honest ground, if the people involved then choose to break the rules set, then it becomes dishonest.

Show me where I said that it was 100% cheatproof

Nothing - no relationship between two people is ever 100% cheatproof.

You don't even take the time to read what I really write so there is no point in further debating this issue with you.

August 20, 2010

Tigercub and Distant.

This is a big thread jack, one that can get your posting privileges revoked.

You have to stay on topic, the one presented by the OP (original poster)

Please start a new thread on open marriages.

August 20, 2010

I'm saying that it starts on honest ground, if the people involved then choose to break the rules set, then it becomes dishonest.

Show me where I said that it was 100% cheatproof

Nothing - no relationship between two people is ever 100% cheatproof.

You don't even take the time to read what I really write so there is no point in further debating this issue with you.

Good. Because to me your view is pointless.

August 24, 2010

Hi everyone. Well, I told her. Happened Thursday night. We were sitting in bed and I couldn't take the betrayal anymore. It ate me up inside fast. Faster than I could have possibly imagined. I couldn't stop thinking about it, started hyperventilating, and couldn't control it. My whole body was shaking. She was so concerned about me, that I broke down and told her.

I won't go through all the details of the night or the next day, but we're ok. We're staying together and I'm going to get help. There's more to all of this but it's not for here. My own personal demons. In the end with the way I was reacting to doing this ( I actually threw up) she told me she knows something is wrong with me emotionally and mentally. That this isn't me. Never was that type of man. I always knew in my mind I could never be with another woman but at least now, though still feeling disgusted with myself, I know I can't. It's so not worth it. It's pathetic, demoralizing, just a filthy way to be.

We aren't even talking about it anymore. Like it never happened. Intimacy is still there for us. Our lives haven't changed, except that I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for this.

If any guys are reading this, please listen and learn from my horrible mistake. Sex is never going to be anywhere near as good as it is with someone you love. The guilt, shame, and knowing you betrayed someone who's always there for you, who's always on your side .... it's hell. It's like standing on the edge of an abyss. And you can't go around, or go over it. You're just standing there not knowing if you'll fall or not. Or when.

Your wife may forgive you, but can you forgive yourself? If you're like me it's going to take a very long time. And it's not about "will she have an affair just to get back at me?" The pain is much worse than that. It hits you in your chest, in your head. And you're never sure if it'll ever go away, or if you deserve to have it go away.

I'm not really sure what else to say except thank you to all of you for convincing me to tell her.

August 24, 2010

Hi everyone. Well, I told her. Happened Thursday night. We were sitting in bed and I couldn't take the betrayal anymore. It ate me up inside fast. Faster than I could have possibly imagined. I couldn't stop thinking about it, started hyperventilating, and couldn't control it. My whole body was shaking. She was so concerned about me, that I broke down and told her.
I won't go through all the details of the night or the next day, but we're ok. We're staying together and I'm going to get help. There's more to all of this but it's not for here. My own personal demons. In the end with the way I was reacting to doing this ( I actually threw up) she told me she knows something is wrong with me emotionally and mentally. That this isn't me. Never was that type of man. I always knew in my mind I could never be with another woman but at least now, though still feeling disgusted with myself, I know I can't. It's so not worth it. It's pathetic, demoralizing, just a filthy way to be.
We aren't even talking about it anymore. Like it never happened. Intimacy is still there for us. Our lives haven't changed, except that I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for this.

If any guys are reading this, please listen and learn from my horrible mistake. Sex is never going to be anywhere near as good as it is with someone you love. The guilt, shame, and knowing you betrayed someone who's always there for you, who's always on your side .... it's hell. It's like standing on the edge of an abyss. And you can't go around, or go over it. You're just standing there not knowing if you'll fall or not. Or when.
Your wife may forgive you, but can you forgive yourself? If you're like me it's going to take a very long time. And it's not about "will she have an affair just to get back at me?" The pain is much worse than that. It hits you in your chest, in your head. And you're never sure if it'll ever go away, or if you deserve to have it go away.

I'm not really sure what else to say except thank you to all of you for convincing me to tell her.

wizard, Thank you for coming back to share the outcome of your story.

You have no idea how heartening it is to me to hear that you have tried to do the right thing. It's more than I can ever explain here.

I wish you and your wife peace and eventual happiness as you grow and learn from this painful experience.

I only have one suggestion: Individual Counseling (IC) for you and possibly your wife. You seem introspective and want to understand why you did this. IC can help you with that.

I wish you my sincerest best wishes for a marriage that is better than ever. :)

August 24, 2010

Snowflower,

Thank you very much. I've already set up an appt. with a counselor. I'm not going through this a second time. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure of that.

August 24, 2010

Kudos to you for doing the right thing.

Snowflower's right, IC is a great idea.

I wish you my best.

August 24, 2010

Snowflower,

Thank you very much. I've already set up an appt. with a counselor. I'm not going through this a second time. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure of that.

Wizard!

Be proud of yourself. That took tremendous courage.

And as much as you did not want to tell your wife, secrets can eat you up alive: That alone negatively impacts your relationship, sometimes for life.

You did the right thing.

Good luck to you and your wife!

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