What's going on with me?

[wizardglick]

New here, sorry. I haven't cheated officially ( I guess), but yesterday this woman came on to me and there was some body kissing, fondling, and some oral on her part in a private area at lunch (her and I never met before and just started talking). Not exactly sure how it started, as I wasn't even looking to do anything. I've been married for 26 years and have been completely faithful to my wife. I just don't know what happened. We were talking and suddenly we're doing this. And on top of that she's engaged. We stopped things before they got too out of hand but afterwards talked about taking it further. We didn't exchange numbers or anything, but mentioned we could meet sometime next week on a specific day (actual day was mentioned) and agreed.

That night, my wife and I had sex. It was amazing. I adore my wife and have always found her extremely hot, especially now that she's into exercising as much as I am. I don't want to paint the picture that we don't have sex a lot or that it's not great each time. It is. That's why this is confusing me. And to top it off I don't feel guilty. About what I did or about that she's engaged.

I'm not in love with this girl, nor do I have any plans on leaving my wife. She's my everything. It just felt fun, free, and explosive. A no strings attached sexual moment.

 

I'm not asking "What do I do?". I just wanted to get this out of my head and see if anyone else, male or female, has been in this particular situation.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Distant78]

New here, sorry. I haven't cheated officially ( I guess), but yesterday this woman came on to me and there was some body kissing, fondling, and some oral on her part in a private area at lunch (her and I never met before and just started talking). Not exactly sure how it started, as I wasn't even looking to do anything. I've been married for 26 years and have been completely faithful to my wife. I just don't know what happened. We were talking and suddenly we're doing this. And on top of that she's engaged. We stopped things before they got too out of hand but afterwards talked about taking it further. We didn't exchange numbers or anything, but mentioned we could meet sometime next week on a specific day (actual day was mentioned) and agreed.

That night, my wife and I had sex. It was amazing. I adore my wife and have always found her extremely hot, especially now that she's into exercising as much as I am. I don't want to paint the picture that we don't have sex a lot or that it's not great each time. It is. That's why this is confusing me. And to top it off I don't feel guilty. About what I did or about that she's engaged.

I'm not in love with this girl, nor do I have any plans on leaving my wife. She's my everything. It just felt fun, free, and explosive. A no strings attached sexual moment.

 

I'm not asking "What do I do?". I just wanted to get this out of my head and see if anyone else, male or female, has been in this particular situation.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

You know good and well that you have cheated on your wife so don't even try to downplay it on an internet board. It didn't just happen, it was planned, meaning that you knew what you were doing and you didn't stop yourself. Tell your wife so that she can know who she's dealing with and get some counseling.

[Spark1111]

Hey, wizard, welcome to LS!

 

I got news for you....you cheated.

 

If you wouldn't do it, say it, look at it without your spouse standing right next to you, yup.....you cheated.

 

Try to imagine your wife, with that hot body of her's, doing what you did with a hot bodied man, maybe at the gym....and coming home to have explosive sex with YOU, but most likely still acting on the rush of being with him....something NEW.

 

Now she keeps it secret from you....because, hell, it wasn't cheating. She didn't have intercourse right?

 

You are justifying it now.

 

It is still wrong.

 

And if you don't stop this "nothing really happened" attitude, you will do it again.

 

Because if nothing really happened, tell your wife tonight. Watch her crumple into a puddle of tears and rage. Leave you. Screw the next available man, which for a woman, is shooting fish in a barrel if she is so inclined.

 

Kissing, flirting, fondling and a little oral......JUST HAPPENED?

 

you, my friend, are in serious, serious denial.

And you will LOSE all you hold dear.

[Eeyore79]

You most certainly did cheat, and if my husband did what you did, our marriage would be over. You need to tell your wife what you did and pray she will eventually forgive you.

[wizardglick]

First off, thank you both for responding.

 

Have to admit that i got somewhat pissed reading both your posts. Felt like i was attacked. But you know what? You're both absolutely right. I did cheat. And I did know what I was doing. And now I feel like sh*t. I can't tell her though because she will leave. And that I definitely don't want. God, I feel like a complete assh*le right now.

[Spark1111]

Wizard....now comes the hard part.....

 

Why? Why did you do that to yourself, your spouse, your marriage, your legacy?

 

Why did you give yourself permission to do that?

 

What did you tell yourself to justify your cheating?

 

Are you in a mid-life crisis and couldn't resist a younger woman coming on to you?

 

Because that is really sad and pathetic, the risk you took with all you have built in your life.....to feel like a stud.

 

And I have news for you: Women mid-life too, and we get offers all the time, married or not, for casual sex. We just do not tell you about them because you would get crazy.

 

So think really, really hard about the why.....

 

And I'm sure you will come up with something so selfish, so self-entitled, that you will cry.

 

Because if she did with another man what you just did with this co-worker, it would destroy you for YEARS....

[Distant78]

First off, thank you both for responding.

 

Have to admit that i got somewhat pissed reading both your posts. Felt like i was attacked. But you know what? You're both absolutely right. I did cheat. And I did know what I was doing. And now I feel like sh*t. I can't tell her though because she will leave. And that I definitely don't want. God, I feel like a complete assh*le right now.

 

Sorry if you felt attacked, but the fact remains you still cheated. If you still want a chance to even save your marriage, then please tell her what happened. I'm getting the impression that you and your wife was getting along fine with her willing to excercise with you and stuff, then you pull this. If she stays, then you better move Heaven and Hell for her, and if she doesn't, then that is the consequence of cheating you will have to face.

[hunnybea]

She'll figure it out...it may take a while...maybe years...but she'll figure it out...

 

My husband sex with his OW and 4 hours later we did...believe me, it hurts...

But we are working it out...

[freestyle]

one more reality check..........you may have put yourself, and your wife at risk for an STD.

 

A "little oral" leads me to believe there as least some mouth to genital contact on somebody's part . (I don't need to know the gory details) If this happened completely spontaneously, I doubt the safeguards were in place. And it was someone you don't even know?According to your post, "her and I never met before and just started talking....)...............wow,just,wow.

 

Please, get yourself tested---STD's can kill.

[whichwayisup]

If you wife did what you did with some guy, how would you feel?

 

I get that after 26 years of marriage that intensity and passion isn't the same. You got caught up in the moment with some woman, but you put yourself IN that situation.

 

It's good that now you feel remorse, and some guilt. Maybe now you'll learn not to cross the lines and avoid putting yourself in tempting situations where you won't say no to.

 

Focus on reconnecting with your wife (without the help of other women) take her out on a date and woo her. Make her feel special and appreciated, loved, needed.. Let her know that it's important for the both of you to keep making the effort to keep things exciting and fun.

 

As for the other girl, I hope that you don't call or see her again. To you it may not have been anything, but what about her? You don't know her .. Ever see Fatal Attraction?

 

Get yourself tested for STD's, because it wasn't just a kiss, it was more. It would be AWFUL if this girl gave you herpes from giving you head. Never say never..

[hunnybea]

Yep. It amazes me how STD's completely slip people's minds...you can get them even with oral. I've been with 2 men my whole life...married to both. I've protected myself...and now since hubby's affair, I may have something horrible...put yourself in her shoes...if you love and respect her, she needs to know...if for no other reason than her health.

[hunnybea]

 

Focus on reconnecting with your wife (without the help of other women) take her out on a date and woo her. Make her feel special and appreciated, loved, needed.. Let her know that it's important for the both of you to keep making the effort to keep things exciting and fun.

 

Only bad thing about that is, if you do this before you tell her, and she finds out, which she will, this will go worse for you because she will think you are just doing it out of guilt and not out of want. She'll think she was lied to worse.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

New here, sorry. I haven't cheated officially ( I guess), but yesterday this woman came on to me and there was some body kissing, fondling, and some oral on her part in a private area at lunch (her and I never met before and just started talking). Not exactly sure how it started, as I wasn't even looking to do anything. I've been married for 26 years and have been completely faithful to my wife. I just don't know what happened. We were talking and suddenly we're doing this. And on top of that she's engaged. We stopped things before they got too out of hand but afterwards talked about taking it further. We didn't exchange numbers or anything, but mentioned we could meet sometime next week on a specific day (actual day was mentioned) and agreed.

That night, my wife and I had sex. It was amazing. I adore my wife and have always found her extremely hot, especially now that she's into exercising as much as I am. I don't want to paint the picture that we don't have sex a lot or that it's not great each time. It is. That's why this is confusing me. And to top it off I don't feel guilty. About what I did or about that she's engaged.

I'm not in love with this girl, nor do I have any plans on leaving my wife. She's my everything. It just felt fun, free, and explosive. A no strings attached sexual moment.

 

I'm not asking "What do I do?". I just wanted to get this out of my head and see if anyone else, male or female, has been in this particular situation.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

So what now? How about this agreed upon date in meeting again?

[TigerCub]

Hey Wizard,

 

You already know that what you did was wrong, so I'm not gonna point that out some more, but my advice to you is NOT to meet with that other girl on the planned day or EVER. Things have a way of snowballing and before you know it you'll be involved in an affair, living a lie, trying to make 2 people happy and in the end everyone will get hurt.

 

You'd really be surprised how men go into these things, thinking that they'll

just get some on the side, then they form an attachment to the OW.

 

spare everyone that drama.

 

A different suggestion for you: Since you've been married for 26 years, and I can imagine that there is lots of love and from what you said the sexual relationship is still good, but maybe you 2 are at the point where you're just so accustomed to one another - Maybe an Open Marriage talk is in order.

 

It would at least be a whole lot better having an open marriage where BOTH parties are on the same page, no one is being played or lied to, and both are gettin some outside the marriage (at least that kind of relationship is HONEST)

 

Good luck

[wizardglick]

Ok, first everyone calm down about the STD's. There wasn't that much of that and I'm fine. Thank you though.

 

I really didn't tell myself anything. Next thing I know she has her hands on me and I'm finding mine on her and not stopping. Like my brain went south, if you understand. My sex life with my wife has always been great. I know you won't believe it but it just happened. It was exciting, that's all. To be honest, I couldn't even get hard with her. No matter what she did. We were alone and it just wouldn't happen. Weird, huh? But the "stud" comment probably puts it best. It was cool to see that I could attract someone that much younger and hot. Hell, we didn't even know eachothers names. And still don't.

 

I guess I have no serious guilt feelings (like throwing up, stuff like that) because I really know deep down I have no real intentions of meeting again. I guess I just wanted to vent and figure out why, after all these years of fidelity, I did this? I've always prided myself on being a faithful husband. Of having a great wife who's beautiful and does so much for me. Other women have tried to come on to me and I've shot them down flat .... immediately.

 

But all of this you're all saying is very good. The cold slap in the face of reality does help. Telling her is out of the question. She'll leave and I'll be crushed. Maybe it's selfish on my part, but I've gone 26 years w/o touching another woman. Wasn't difficult and can be done again. I stumbled. If I continue then that's a different story.

[Distant78]

Hey Wizard, A different suggestion for you: Since you've been married for 26 years, and I can imagine that there is lots of love and from what you said the sexual relationship is still good, but maybe you 2 are at the point where you're just so accustomed to one another - Maybe an Open Marriage talk is in order.

 

It would at least be a whole lot better having an open marriage where BOTH parties are on the same page, no one is being played or lied to, and both are gettin some outside the marriage (at least that kind of relationship is HONEST)

 

Open marriage? Why would open marriage be any better?

 

Both parties won't be on the same page, and when one has an extramarital partner for a while they begin to form an emotional attachment to that person, and possibly leaving their spouse for that perosn, whether its an affair or an open marriage. So in a sense, there is going to be even more deceit in open marriages and yes, someone is being played and lied to. STD risks are even higher. How is getting azz outside of the marriage honest, especially if its open?

[hunnybea]

Don't delude yourself...she'll find out...

 

And your situation kinda sounds like my husbands...the oral part of it he couldn't get hard. The second time it happened he could get hard long enough to go for a couple of minutes before it didn't work anymore...but long enough for the damage to be done...

 

I think she deserves to know. If you love her, you'll tell her. She will find out and it will go worse for you...

[Distant78]

Telling her is out of the question. She'll leave and I'll be crushed. Maybe it's selfish on my part, but I've gone 26 years w/o touching another woman. Wasn't difficult and can be done again. I stumbled. If I continue then that's a different story.

 

You think you'll be crushed? What about her feelings? Shouldn't she know that you were unfaithful to her after 26 years of marriage? You just said you have no regret or remorse, so what does it matter if she leaves you. So what if one of you fell on each other. You still had the power to stop, but you liked it, and kept going. You said it wasn't difficult and you could do it again. Wow, thats mean. This is going to come out sooner or later.

[Spark1111]

Okay, that's fair......

 

But you are still seeing it only from your perspective.

 

Really, really try to imagine your wife doing today what you did yesterday.....

 

What if she was even thinking...it just happened...it made me feel young and beautiful...get over it please....I couldn't even climax with him...not really...it was exciting...

 

It doesn't JUST HAPPEN, my friend.

 

You are not taking complete ownership of what you did.

 

You need to take complete ownership of your actions...the risk you took...what you almost destroyed....

 

You are a little glib still, IMHO. Like, I've been such a good boy all these years I DESERVED one little transgression with a stranger.

 

What if the spouse you adored had the same justification. WOuld it hurt you any less?

 

Because you really need to own this choice of your's, if for no other reason than to ensure YOU NEVER make the same mistake again.

[Distant78]

Okay, that's fair.......

 

What's fair about the situation. The "fact" that it "just happened?":lmao:

[Spark1111]

PS: Because that is what I am hearing wizard.....

 

The very common justification among cheaters:

 

I love my wife.

 

What she doesn't know can't hurt her.

 

I'd die if she left me.

 

But I have been a good boy for (fill in the blank) years and IT JUST HAPPENED.

 

No, it didn't.

 

Somewhere, from the first flirt to the little oral body fondling episode, you told yourself "I DESERVE THIS. JUST ONCE. FOR BEING SO FAITHFUL FOR SO LONG."

 

My ego needs this.

It feels so good.

 

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

[TigerCub]

Open marriage? Why would open marriage be any better?

 

Both parties won't be on the same page, and when one has an extramarital partner for a while they begin to form an emotional attachment to that person, and possibly leaving their spouse for that perosn, whether its an affair or an open marriage. So in a sense, there is going to be even more deceit in open marriages and yes, someone is being played and lied to. STD risks are even higher. How is getting azz outside of the marriage honest, especially if its open?

 

Why wouldn't both parties be on the same page? If its agreed amongst BOTH of them, that they are still married, but can be intimate with other people. Different people have arrangements that work for them, for example only 1 time encounters with the extra party.

 

Sure, feelings could develop (that's always a risk), but at least the other spouse knew that when they agreed to the arrangement.

 

No one would be played or lied to if it is agreed between both spouses that THIS is what they're both going to do? who's being lied to then?

If the spouses are honest with each other and the people that they sleep with - NO one is being lied to.

 

As far as STDs go - well both spouses better be smart enough to know to use protection and get tested.

 

Its a far more honest relationship than having one spouse screwing around on the other, while the betrayed spouse has no idea what's going on.

[freestyle]

Back to the STD's.........

 

You don't truly know if you're fine or not.It can take months before symptoms present.

 

Sorry, but the "Three Second Rule" is a myth both for eating food that was dropped on the floor---and for any exchange of bodily fluids with an unknown person.

 

"there wasn't much of it,and I'm fine.."

 

 

:eek:

 

If you care about your wife at all, why would you take a chance with something that could potentially cause her a lot of physical pain?

 

http://www.stdtestexpress.com/std-myths/

[Distant78]

Why wouldn't both parties be on the same page? If its agreed amongst BOTH of them, that they are still married, but can be intimate with other people. Different people have arrangements that work for them, for example only 1 time encounters with the extra party.

 

Yea, the part where it is agreed upon both of them is total BS. We all know that once they go down that path of being with others instead of their own spouse, it will cloud their judgement and will have them leaving their marriage permanently, whether its an affair or "open marriage."

 

Sure, feelings could develop (that's always a risk), but at least the other spouse knew that when they agreed to the arrangement.

 

If thats always a risk then what makes it better than an affair. Sure they know that when letting their spouse have someone else that emotions may evolve, but what if they didn't know that when agreeing to the terms and their spouse ended up leaving them. I thought when having an open marriage that both spouses are supposed to still commit to their spouse while having someone else.

 

No one would be played or lied to if it is agreed between both spouses that THIS is what they're both going to do? who's being lied to then?

If the spouses are honest with each other and the people that they sleep with - NO one is being lied to.

 

Baloney. Deceit will always appear, no matter how innocent sleeping with someone else seems.

 

As far as STDs go - well both spouses better be smart enough to know to use protection and get tested.

 

Protection won't always work, you know that. Especially when there's lying in a relationship, let alone an open marriage.

 

Its a far more honest relationship than having one spouse screwing around on the other, while the betrayed spouse has no idea what's going on.

 

Open marriages are just as bad as affairs. Just because both spouses consciously knows that his/her spouse is being fuccked by somebody else doesn't make the situation better. One of those spouses could still end up leaving the other for someone else.

[wizardglick]

Nah, I have to disagree with telling her. Seriously, if I'm not doing this again what's the point? Isn't it more selfish to not want this plaguing my mind and tell her than to keep it in and punish myself? Were I consistantly doing this then I could understand your point. And what would be gained? Hurt feelings, a good marriage ended because I couldn't handle keeping it to myself? That's being selfish. Were I to have feelings for this other woman then yes I'd have to tell her. But a momentary lapse in judgement on my part isn't cause for a massive eruption (no pun intended).

 

Look, obviously some of you have been cheated on and it obviously hurts ... a lot. But instead of being angry at me, try to think logically. I didn't think logically yesterday, but I certainly am now. Reading your responses helps me see things from the victims point of view. But there wasn't any emotional involvement. Hell, there wasn't even that much physical involvement.

 

Again, this was to help me vent this. To sort it out. Keeping it in my head and having the thoughts played and replayed in my head wasn't going to help.