lee777 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 This is my first post. I need some help here people. Let's get right to the point. My wife and and I have been married for 18 years. Most of these years we were happy. We started having problems about 6 years ago, and like a typical man, I didn't see these problems. Little did I know, my wife and I were slowly falling into the trap of loosing interest in each others needs. We started fighting more often about things that didn't matter. In January we had a bad fight, and my wife left me the following morning. During the months of Feb, March and April, I started realizing what I had done wrong, and most of our problems were a result of me. I've been working incredibly hard to change, and win my wife's heart back. I finally convinced her to go to marriage counseling with me about a month ago, and we're now doing things together with our kids. I'm thrilled that my wife sees the changes in me, and she's willing to give me a second chance. Here's where the problem exist. My wife clearly wants me to "rock her world", if you know what I mean. She has questioned me because I have not made advances on her. We hug, with a small peck on the lips, and that's about it. I go over there for dinner, have a few glasses of wine, then bolt out the front door quicker than you can snap your fingers. I'm still very much attracted to my wife, but I feel so guilty for what I've done to cause this separation, it's hard for me to become intimate with her. I feel guilty for the way I made her feel about me. She has indicated that she misses that boyfriend effect that I use to give her, and she wants it back. Any advice?
YellowShark Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Here's where the problem exist. My wife clearly wants me to "rock her world", if you know what I mean. She has questioned me because I have not made advances on her. We hug, with a small peck on the lips, and that's about it. I go over there for dinner, have a few glasses of wine, then bolt out the front door quicker than you can snap your fingers. I'm still very much attracted to my wife, but I feel so guilty for what I've done to cause this separation, it's hard for me to become intimate with her. I feel guilty for the way I made her feel about me. She has indicated that she misses that boyfriend effect that I use to give her, and she wants it back. Have you told her this? I mean have you told her exactly what you wrote in the quote above? Maybe if you did, she would understand your deep-seeded feelings and she would see why you haven't "crashed the yogurt cart" into her. Additionally you two are really in the "dating phase" again, take it slow, when you feel confident and comfortable things will fall into place.
Don Ho Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Lee, good for you on working to reconcile! I don't know what you "did" but she is seeing you again. Ok, you feel bad, but obviously she's moving forward. You need to do the same. I think it's good to make her want you, especially since she left you. I agree, you need to look at it as though you're in the dating stage. I would not bring up how you feel about it. Talk to a therapist or friend about that stuff instead. It will happen. Just relax and let nature take its course. Good luck.
quankanne Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 "crashed the yogurt cart" nice ... must remember this one ... lee, it's very promising to hear that she's willing to work on the relationship, because it means she still wants the marriage. Now is the time to concentrate on wooing her, because that's what we enjoy the most, and believe me, it's the perfect setting for seduction: bingo! Focus on the touching and cuddling aspect of your relationship, as xxoo says – woo her. Believe me, you're gonna knock her socks off in a way you cannot imagine, because you're going to be showing her that you still see her as "that girl" who still catches your eye, and not just your wife and sex partner. romance is the key here, from cuddling, to holding hands, to kissing her just because ... eventually, you're gonna be back to the place where you were before, able to have sex, but what you do in the meantime can be an incredible opportunity to make her feel wanted and needed and loved on a whole other level. over time, it could help the guilt abate because you're getting to know each other all over again :love:
bboy Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Here's where the problem exist. My wife clearly wants me to "rock her world", if you know what I mean. She has questioned me because I have not made advances on her. We hug, with a small peck on the lips, and that's about it. I go over there for dinner, have a few glasses of wine, then bolt out the front door quicker than you can snap your fingers. I'm still very much attracted to my wife, but I feel so guilty for what I've done to cause this separation, it's hard for me to become intimate with her. I feel guilty for the way I made her feel about me. She has indicated that she misses that boyfriend effect that I use to give her, and she wants it back. Any advice? If you cannot do it directly, you do it indirectly. Send a post card with something nice. A small chocolate box to work. Spontanious gifts. Leave a note on the fridge? Pick her up after work. Look up something she is interested in (museum, movie, park walk) and take her out on this. The list is looooooong. You've got plenty of opportunities. Let your imagination play.
Ronni_W Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 (edited) I'm still very much attracted to my wife, but I feel so guilty for what I've done to cause this separation, it's hard for me to become intimate with her. lee, It could be guilt that's making it hard for you to have sex with her, or it could just be a physical thing that is making it, er, "not hard", if you know what I mean. (Or perhaps a combination of physical-psychological.) Nothing wrong with using Viagra to get things rocking again -- you may only need it a few times before impulses start firing of their own accord. If your preference is the guilt-thing, though, then why not change what you're feeling guilty about? Start feeling guilty about the fact that you're not sexually satisfying your wife current-day...and therefore are also blocking the reconciliation process and preventing total intimacy between the two of you. (Not that *I* think you need to feel guilty; more to use guilt to your advantage, if it is guilt that you want to use.) Of course, if guilt is playing ANY role in the problem, then part of your individual 'growth work' must necessarily be around self-forgiveness (and asking your higher power for forgiveness, if that's applicable to you.) Best of luck. Edited August 19, 2010 by Ronni_W
hopesndreams Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Well, all I can say with your post, before reading any of the other replies, is this. Good luck. There are those that move onto a mature love and there are those that just don't. You musta been spectacular to keep her interest for 20 years. Kudos. She's left you. You deserve better.
Author lee777 Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 (edited) Oh Boy, does my situation feel funny. I have been separated for 7 months, haven't been with another woman. I have been through the wringer in life, and I've grown more the last 7 months of our separation than I did in the 17 1/2 years of our lives together. I've been holding on with the hope that we'd get it back together in the future. I have completely rebuilt my body from a Ford Pinto (250lbs and 40" waist) to a new sports car (200lbs and a 32" waist) the last 7 months. I have gone from being pudgy, to becoming athletic. My wife has indicated to me that she is shocked by the change in my appearance, and she's "perplexed by all the changes" in me, not just in appearance. And now the time has arrived, my wife clearly wants me to reengage with her sexually, and yet I have a hard time initiating a hug. WTF is going on here? I wish she'd just set me down, face to face, and say "I forgive you, I still love you, and I want our life back"!!!!!I have told her this, and she said she is forgiving me, but it's gonna take time to give me what I'm asking for. Edited August 21, 2010 by lee777
Ronni_W Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 You're making giving her a hug CONDITIONAL on her first telling you what you want to hear??? (What are the conditions under which you'll deign to have sex with her?) And you're wondering why she's having a difficult time trusting you and being open and honest with you, and letting you back into her heart??? Suck it up. Give her a hug. Stop issuing conditional "love" and stop trying to control what/when comes out of her mouth. (You trying to) Control: that is WTF is going on here!!! If you're expecting anything positive to come out of your current attitude, be aware that it is an irrational and unrealistic expectation.
Author lee777 Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 Ronni ... I think you're on to something there. Perhaps I am being selfish with my request of forgiveness. My wife clearly wants to work towards reconciliation of our marriage. My perfect wife has told me stories that she's heard about other failed marriages, where the husband did things that were "unforgivable", meaning what I did was not "unforgivable". I told her it doesn't matter to what level a husband failed, the only thing that matters is the way his wife feels about him.
Ronni_W Posted August 23, 2010 Posted August 23, 2010 lee, Not necessarily "selfish". That is, maybe but not necessarily -- you are going to be the best judge of your own motives/expectations/intentions. With hindsight, do YOU think that you have been acting selfishly? I would say that you are most decidedly NOT doing your part to make this reconciliation a reality, and you also are NOT "trying to reconnect" with your wife (despite the title you chose for your thread.) You have been making demands (even if unspoken) to satisfy what YOU want -- that isn't the way to show that you've changed or to "win your wife's heart back." Instead of making demands and placing conditions on her, you'd be wiser finding out and doing whatever will support/advance your goal for a reconciliation...which, right now, basically means finding out and doing what it is that will make your wife happy enough to want to think about wanting you back in her life. She agreed to marriage counseling with you, and she's still there waiting for you to prove that you're worth her taking another risk. But now you have to actually start proving it. Giving not taking; Giving not making demands; Giving without expectation of receiving what you want anytime soon. (But, how short or long it takes is also 98% within YOUR OWN power and control.) You can start by GIVING her a hug, yes?
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