TomerT Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 My girlfriend break up with me 10 days ago and already tried to contact me twice since then... During the conversation (on Skype by the way, cause she told me she is feeling weak when she around me and can not tell all this in my "beautiful eyes"..)...so during the "break up" process she told me at least ten times how much she loves me, she will miss me, all this stuff and "let's be friends" of course... The first time she called me 3 days after. The first thing she asked if I am angry at her ? I told her "Not, I not posses you and respect your decision. Though, I sad and disappointed by the way you did it"....After that she told me how much she sad, how much it is hard to her to break up with me, that she loves me very much and all this stuff...of course let's be friends again. At the end she told me "I love you, I miss you and you will be always on my mind", when I heard this I became really angry and reacted: "What do you mean by 'always on your mind ?', when you will sleep with your next boyfriend you will think about me ? ". Of course she didn't like it and said that she p*ssed now and we finished our conversation on this note. 3 days later she called again, but I didn't answer the phone... I do believe that she loved me and it was hard to her to break up with me (may be I naive, though ). I know that it was not nice to say what I said, it's like I doubt her feelings. so should I apologize for what I said ? I still love her and want her to come back one day (preferably soon ). Is what I said did a lot of "damage" ?
cookie2 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 She dumped you. She doesn't want you back. If she did then she would be beating down your door to talk to you. You don't need to apologize for anything; SHE does. Don't talk to her, don't say anything, don't have any contact at all. If she comes crawling back begging for forgiveness then maybe you can talk to her. But anything less than that, ignore.
LostInTurn Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 My girlfriend break up with me 10 days ago and already tried to contact me twice since then... During the conversation (on Skype by the way, cause she told me she is feeling weak when she around me and can not tell all this in my "beautiful eyes"..)...so during the "break up" process she told me at least ten times how much she loves me, she will miss me, all this stuff and "let's be friends" of course... The first time she called me 3 days after. The first thing she asked if I am angry at her ? I told her "Not, I not posses you and respect your decision. Though, I sad and disappointed by the way you did it"....After that she told me how much she sad, how much it is hard to her to break up with me, that she loves me very much and all this stuff...of course let's be friends again. At the end she told me "I love you, I miss you and you will be always on my mind", when I heard this I became really angry and reacted: "What do you mean by 'always on your mind ?', when you will sleep with your next boyfriend you will think about me ? ". Of course she didn't like it and said that she p*ssed now and we finished our conversation on this note. 3 days later she called again, but I didn't answer the phone... I do believe that she loved me and it was hard to her to break up with me (may be I naive, though ). I know that it was not nice to say what I said, it's like I doubt her feelings. so should I apologize for what I said ? I still love her and want her to come back one day (preferably soon ). Is what I said did a lot of "damage" ? You have to remember you have feelings. Someone hurt you. Neither you, or she can expect you to just sit there and listen to things that don't make sense. Some of us would be able to listen to the things she said and walk away from it. Others, listen and get angry. I know I am reactive. It's natural for you to think what you said and say it, in my opinion. Have you asked her why she is contacting you? She left you, you did not leave her. She made the decision. Sometimes, people realize they made a mistake. Some people realize the minute the person walks out the door, some people realize three months later and some people realize when it's just too late. She may miss you and she may love you. However, what does she expect you to do? What do you want to do? You mentioned you hope she will come back. Only time will tell whether this will happen or not. I think you have some valid questions to ask if you want answers. Just remember, you didn't leave. You didn't choose this. The person who leaves cannot walk all over you and put you through more pain.
edgeofdarkness Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 (edited) see other thread man, I hate it when people post 2 threads, what's the point. are you attention-seeking? I mean, you get better answers in 1 thread heres what i put there. youre broken up she dumped you. leave her alone. she can do all the running she wants, but you can't fix this, and she doesent want to. dont talk to her again, it just keeps her hanging around and you dont get over her. dude, shes a leech. she broke up with you but cant leave you alone. she either wants you or doesent. she cant have it both ways. drop her, find as new girl. hell theyre ten a penny where i live. find one screw one get over this one. best way. Edited August 19, 2010 by edgeofdarkness
PrettyPoppy Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 My 25 cents.. Breaking up with someone is not always easy and turning them automatically into wrong and yourself right (self righteous) is not conducive to ever having a good relationship with anyone. I've been on both sides of this and had to work very hard to see myself and how I (shockingly) participate in my own reality (and relationships) Sure, we all act like idiots when hurt and angry, but in the long run we have all made mistakes, we are human after all... If you feel you did something wrong, no matter what the circumstance, you should apologize and take responsibility. That does not guarantee that all will be well, but everyone should do as such if they ever want to have a healthy relationship. I am not advocating grovelling or acting like a doormat. A simple: I was hurt/angry and should not have said XYZ is usually enough. It is also better to do this in email or text as you won't get further reactive and say something more hurtful out of disappointment. That being said, you should be completely OK with your apology not being accepted and simply do it because you know it is the right thing to do. Usually by the time a breakup occurs there are no right/wrong people, just people who wanted to make a go of it and it doesn't work. I would go NC for a bit and when ready, really look at what was your part in this relationship and what, in reality you can be responsible to apologize for. This will serve 2 purposes: you will be able to give a genuine apology without excuses and it is a win-win for you as you can work on these things either again with this girl or won't bring these things to your next relationship-far better chance of success. I just broke up with someone I still have strong feelings for and one of the reasons was he seemingly could not apologize or even look at how his choices and behavior contributed to disagreements just as much as my own. I can be verbally aggressive, he is passive-aggressive. He provokes, I react. Both don't work very well and just as it took two to tango, it will not work unless two commit to working on themselves. Bad guys and good guys exist in the cinema, life is very grey and rarely black and white.
bboy Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I just broke up with someone I still have strong feelings for and one of the reasons was he seemingly could not apologize or even look at how his choices and behavior contributed to disagreements just as much as my own. I can be verbally aggressive, he is passive-aggressive. He provokes, I react. Both don't work very well and just as it took two to tango, it will not work unless two commit to working on themselves. OOOOUUUUCCCHHH!!!!!! I've done a break-up with a person like that. It stings like h*ll!! Passive/Aggressive is one of the worst features I know in a person. Sometimes they seem to think, being passive is equal to being "not-guilty" while it actually is a statement that "I'm right and I will not communicate about it". This leaves frustration on a level that is beyond known before you encounter it. It really leaves nothing to work with and pushes everything over to the other person. God forbid I ever hook-up with a Passive/Aggresive person again. What a nightmare that was! A messy break-up back and forth, with so much trouble and issues, hurt feelings and ended up in a total stale mate and neither wants to see the other ever again. Like a slow motion train wreck. P.S - Sorry for the hi-jack.
PrettyPoppy Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 It is a challenge and one I started to realise was getting pretty awful with me frustrated and furiously yelling and subsequently feeling terrible about my actions and apologizing. He had very few boundaries by the level of what he would say, often way over the top cruel character assassination, but never raised his voice. I must say this is impressive. So I ended it a few weeks ago. He completely blotted me out with no response whatsoever to this. The only thing I got was 24 hours of "is single" on FB and then he deleted me and that is that. Sure, we can say "good riddance" but it hurts and is horribly confusing. Now, I will say that in any power exchange I've usually been the apologizer and the caller. This seems the punctuation of not meaning a thing...but. He is middle aged with no relationship history to almost a shocking extent. At times I think he is living in a fantasy world of this perfect woman which has only intensified as he has ended up alone most of his life. I try to have compassion that one only learns by doing, but this started to seem disrespectful. I also suspect he is a piner, someone who has spent so much of his life befriending women, whom he never gets. I originated as one of these women. As I reciprocated and really put my heart into this, I felt steadily more devalued. It was painful. He wanted to live together, I met his family all that, but there was certainly an air of my becoming steadily less than. I've not experienced this sort of dynamic but then again, I usually don't date someone who has never had a relationship. I also tend to like nice and even more so now that I'm getting older and getting past my poor partner choices. So now I'm the dumper. I get the feeling he may never contact me again, which is so odd to imagine. I'm also confused about the NC. Since I dumped would he expect me to contact him? Or because he just disappeared is the onus on him? I've never had such nothing post a breakup, it is painful. Then I think, do I even want contact with someone hostile enough to do nothing, not even a "goodbye" ? So currently I'm doing nothing. I'm trying to work with my own black and white thinking, so I understand both sides of this. I've been on both sides of this in other relationship endings and throughout this one.
Ronni_W Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 At the end she told me "I love you, I miss you and you will be always on my mind", when I heard this I became really angry and reacted: "What do you mean by 'always on your mind ?', when you will sleep with your next boyfriend you will think about me ? " Actually, that was a very reasonable question...you were basically asking her to think about what stupid crap she was telling you. She's just upset because she got caught out. No need for you to offer any apologies, IMO. You could also have said, "If you take 3 seconds to think about what you just said, I'm sure you'll realize how ridiculous it is." But how you actually said it was far more effective. It's also that you're human and you're hurting. If anything, SHE should have been more sensitive to your feelings, and not said such garbage to you -- how did she EXPECT you to take it? How did she HOPE you would respond? Sometimes 'dumpers' spew these kinds of sappy, untrue sentiments so that they can feel better/less guilty about everything. It's perfectly fine if you don't just let them use you to appease their own guilt. They can go to church, or therapy, or whatever.
GrayClouds Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 "What do you mean by 'always on your mind ?', when you will sleep with your next boyfriend you will think about me ? ". That was a near perfect response! Congrats I know that it was not nice to say what I said, it's like I doubt her feelings. so should I apologize for what I said ? So do you want to apologize before or after she sleeps with her next boyfriend? She contacting you, wanting to be your friends, saying how much she cares to make HER feel better not you. Do not apologize, you did nothing wrong, she was blowing smoke up your a$$ and you called on it. Stay NC. .
LostInTurn Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 OOOOUUUUCCCHHH!!!!!! I've done a break-up with a person like that. It stings like h*ll!! Passive/Aggressive is one of the worst features I know in a person. Sometimes they seem to think, being passive is equal to being "not-guilty" while it actually is a statement that "I'm right and I will not communicate about it". This leaves frustration on a level that is beyond known before you encounter it. It really leaves nothing to work with and pushes everything over to the other person. God forbid I ever hook-up with a Passive/Aggresive person again. What a nightmare that was! A messy break-up back and forth, with so much trouble and issues, hurt feelings and ended up in a total stale mate and neither wants to see the other ever again. Like a slow motion train wreck. P.S - Sorry for the hi-jack. My ex as well. Terrible and I cannot understand how people are like this. I'm sorry you experienced this.
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