what does it take to... ?

[David.]

attract my kind of people?

 

Or is that the wrong question?

 

I thought I'd come on here to see if anyone else has a successful method of attracting and keeping up with friends. I've been reading various things about it online, and have come up with two broad answers.

 

One is that I am not in harmony with the universe and need to redefine myself as someone who's happy to be alone day after day after day after day.

 

The other is that I'm just not that appealing, on whatever level, to the people whose company I want.

 

If I get to choose one, I'll take the latter, as at least it gives me something concrete to work on. I reckon it would be a matter of personality and technique, and while there ain't much I can do about my personality, I can at least try new techniques and see what happens.

 

What I've done so far is make an effort to get out and about. I've joined groups through meetup.com, gone on community activity days, & done a lot of volunteering locally (plus organised some on my own), made loads of acquaintances, joined dating sites, taken a course here & there, made efforts to meet people doing interesting things, and tried a few of the social media things like flickr & twittter.

 

All of this results in being quite widely known, but still somehow friendless, in that the people I know have their own lives to live, and keep themselves to themselves outside of the times we come together around a particular activity. We can all have a blast at these events, but I don't hear from anyone at other times. I'm thinking to myself, don't any of these people ever go to the pub for a drink, and if they do, have they considered suggesting that we meet up? Do any of them have friends over, or go visiting themselves? From outward appearances, it seems that they don't. But how strange is that?

 

I've invited people over, and they seem happy to visit once. I get the feeling they're mainly curious about where I live, and having figured that out, have no further curiosity or interest. I reckon there's an element of being busy with their own lives, as lots of people I know do complain about not being able to spend time with friends. But I don't believe that's the whole story.

 

Just to be clear, I do have friends from college, and other places I've lived, so I'm not totally friendless. It's more like I'm not meeting and connecting with the right kind of people, or not getting the response I want.

 

So, if I'm just not coming across the right kind of people, what am I going to do about it?

 

Or, on the other hand, going back up to Reason #2, is there something I'm not doing? I think I'm friendly enough, but maybe I'm just not that interesting. Do I need to make myself more interesting somehow? And what would that involve?

 

Either way, it's a question I haven't been able to answer, and I thought I'd come on here and see what you have to say about it.

 

Your turn!

Edited August 19, 2010 by David.

[spiderowl]

Obviously, I don't know you, David, and so I have no idea what you are conveying to others in your social circle, but I can put forward some ideas for you to consider:

 

One is attracting your kind of people. Maybe these aren't quite your kind of people. Maybe there's just not that level of connection that you would both need for it to evolve into a close friendship? It might just be a matter of time before you cross paths with someone of your ilk (I like that word ). It's amazing how all these problems seem irrelevant when you feel someone is on the same wavelength. Suddenly, everything gets a whole lot easier and obstacles seem to melt away.

 

As people get older they do seem to get more insular and take fewer risks. They work, they go home for tea, they go out to their usual club or pub, then they go home again. It's hard to find a new social circle when people are in these kind of patterns. I have been going to the same clubs for years and I'm only just getting to know some of the people as more than someone to say hello to (there are reasons for this because of the nature of the clubs and my own shyness).

 

Also, people are very good at giving the impression of sociability and purposefulness because they don't want to appear lonely and friendless. Underneath, they do want to feel more connected. This really only comes out when you get one-to-one time with individuals and they start to trust you and connect on a more personal level. By going regularly to the same places, you'll gradually get to know people in more depth. In order to do this though, I think one needs to be prepared to venture beyond normal everyday topics to things that are more personal, otherwise it takes forever.

 

Although getting to know the same people in depth is one approach, I have also heard that varying one's routine and doing new things is a good way to meet people you wouldn't have met otherwise too.

 

There are also a hard core of people who pretty much never listen to others anyway and seem to go through life doing their own thing and never really connecting on anything but a superficial level. It's pointless trying to make something out of these kinds of relationships.

 

There is the possibility that people may be making false assumptions about you. If you know lots of people, they may think you have lots of friends and don't need them. Just a thought anyway.

 

But really, I do sympathise, as I find the same thing.

[David.]

One is attracting your kind of people. Maybe these aren't quite your kind of people. Maybe there's just not that level of connection that you would both need for it to evolve into a close friendship? It might just be a matter of time before you cross paths with someone of your ilk (I like that word ). It's amazing how all these problems seem irrelevant when you feel someone is on the same wavelength. Suddenly, everything gets a whole lot easier and obstacles seem to melt away.

Yeah. And in one sense, this is exactly what's not happening.

 

As people get older they do seem to get more insular and take fewer risks. They work, they go home for tea, they go out to their usual club or pub, then they go home again.

To their partners and children, in my case. So there's that angle to factor in. I could just say that I'd be glad to hear from them if they were going out to the pub at any point. Actually, I'm pretty sure I have said exactly that...

 

In order to do this though, I think one needs to be prepared to venture beyond normal everyday topics to things that are more personal, otherwise it takes forever.

 

Although getting to know the same people in depth is one approach, I have also heard that varying one's routine and doing new things is a good way to meet people you wouldn't have met otherwise too.

This is sort of like what I've been doing - looking for new circles, new opportunities. I'm constrained by budget and distances though. If I could afford to travel futher afield and splash out a bit more, then I could probably find ways of connecting with more people. Overall though, my sense is that I reach out, say something, show up, show some interest, and... nothing. I can think of one explanation after another, but this doesn't help. I have a friend writing a book, v busy with that. Another one caring for elderly mum. Another one trying to get a business going. Another one working as a freelance producer, lots of demands there. Three more with families. I cannot insert myself into their lives. Not sure what else to do.

 

There is the possibility that people may be making false assumptions about you. If you know lots of people, they may think you have lots of friends and don't need them. Just a thought anyway.

I suppose this is a possibility. People will presume that I'm all taken care of.

[wishing4thefuture]

David, you might be more stable than you realize. It's possible that after enjoying an evening with you people are content, perhaps feeling as if you and they will be on good terms forever and that you are a lovely human being. It's also possible that while you are willing to entertain all different types of friends and family you yourself are searching for something different. I would recommend viewing yourself as someone that continues to adventure and make friends, rather than someone that is constantly missing out.

[Disillusioned]

I've known for a while that I'm at an automatic disadvantage because my right kind of people (those who like to tinker with stuff) are all men. The female brain just isn't wired to enjoy such activities.

[Rashad]

hmm, you do seep pretty balanced and I'd go with the opinion that perhaps people think you are better off... When I was in high school I kind of had the same problem, I was the captain of the basketball team and the top of my class and I sort of got along with most circles and that gave people the impression that I don't need them, you have to understand that people will not get involved with somebody if they feel like they have nothing to give.

 

Here is the trick, yo have to be forthcoming with you expectations, show some vulnerability, ask people why they don't call you or howcome they never hang out with you, tell them that you miss them or that you feel lonely sometimes. You have to open up first cause if people think you're balanced they wouldn't wanna bother you.

 

Hope this helps.

[David.]

Hey Rashad, thanks for the reply.

I don't recall seeing a notification for it, so I will have to check my spam box to see if loveshack stuff is getting diverted...

 

I think you've got some good points there. I'll have to see what I can do in relation to some of them.

I think my main concern is that some of the people I'm thinking of would freak out a bit because they don't want to deal with anybody's baggage, to the extent that saying 'hey, I'm lonesome and would like your company' would make them tense up. But that's telling me something in itself. Maybe a bit about the kind of people I need to seek out.

Edited September 10, 2010 by David.

[David.]

An interesting piece for consideration:

The results were illuminating: If one person reported feeling lonely at one evaluation, his closest connections(either family or close friends) were 52% more likely to also report feeling lonely two years later. The effect was strongest among those in close relationships, waning as the connections became more distant, but remained significant up to three degrees of separation — in other words, one lonely person could influence whether his friend's friend's friend felt lonely. "Loneliness has been conceived in the past as depression, introversion, shyness or poor social skills," says Cacioppo. "Those turn out not to be right. Research we and others have done suggests that it really is a fundamental human motivational state very much like hunger, thirst or pain."

 

In other words, loneliness is not so much a symptom of being companionless as it is a driving force behind social isolation. Rather than simply reflecting the emotional state of one person, Cacioppo says, loneliness is more like an indicator of the social health of our species on the whole — a temperature reading, if you will, of how well- or not so well-integrated we are as a population.