K'aycie Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Hi. Okay to follow-up with my thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240854/ Met a really snazzy guy a few months ago and have been on a few dates and we talk to each other practically every day. Now, we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks and I've mentioned my interest in seeing him but he's been kind of hum drum about it. Neither of us had plans this evening, and I was really hoping we'd get to see each other but he's only really mentioned getting together towards the end of the month for an event (which would be a month since we've seen each other). We spoke briefly earlier today and I had to run out for errands, and called him back but he didn't answer. I'm starting to get a weird vibe about things, also because a few days earlier he made a statement about not rushing into things relationship wise. If someone says that, does that mean that they currently aren't thinking in terms of having a relationship?
skydiveaddict Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 If someone says that' date=' does that mean that they currently aren't thinking in terms of having a relationship?[/quote'] Tthat would be my guess
AverageJoe Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Hi. I'm starting to get a weird vibe about things, also because a few days earlier he made a statement about not rushing into things relationship wise. If someone says that, does that mean that they currently aren't thinking in terms of having a relationship? Yep, you got it.
Author K'aycie Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Yeah that is what I am starting to think. Its just confusing because he calls a lot and we talk all the time, but the time lapse from last seeing each other, and that comment has caused my alarm bell to go off. I tried to get a better feel for what he meant by that comment, but his reply wasn't really that straightforward. Maybe I should have asked him from day one what he was looking for in terms of a relationship, who knows. Normally I wouldn't make a big fuss but I've already developed strong feelings towards him but its starting to seem like it isn't really mutual and I'd prefer to know where I stand at this point. So, I'm leaning towards just telling him my concerns and see what he says.
sagetalk Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I'm starting to get a weird vibe about things, also because a few days earlier he made a statement about not rushing into things relationship wise. If someone says that, does that mean that they currently aren't thinking in terms of having a relationship? This is easy enough, let's give him the: "Is He A Jerk Test" Question #1: Did you have sex with him? If the answer is yes, and he's talking like this....... then you've found yourself a jerk. If the answer is no, then there is a good chance you've found yourself a normal guy that doesn't want to rush into a serious relationship.
Author K'aycie Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 This is easy enough, let's give him the: "Is He A Jerk Test" Question #1: Did you have sex with him? If the answer is yes, and he's talking like this....... then you've found yourself a jerk. If the answer is no, then there is a good chance you've found yourself a normal guy that doesn't want to rush into a serious relationship. Hi Sage. So would Question 1 make a difference…? I get the whole jerk aspect, but up to this point, he has been anything but a jerk in regards to how he's treated/behaved towards during the times we went out, spent time together, how often he calls, when we talk on the phone, etc. That’s what makes this hard. I didn’t hear back from last night and today he reached out to me and we’ve communicated back and forth a bit like we generally always do. He mentioned having to go to an event this evening but that he’d try to call me later. So at this point, we won't really see each other until towards the end of the month, which I guess coincides with not rushing into anything.
Philetus Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Now, we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks and I've mentioned my interest in seeing him but he's been kind of hum drum about it. Neither of us had plans this evening, and I was really hoping we'd get to see each other but he's only really mentioned getting together towards the end of the month for an event (which would be a month since we've seen each other). I see two possibilities based on why I'd get lukewarm about a girl I'm seeing. One - he thinks/knows that you're into something more than he's willing to give, like an exclusive relationship and that's not for him. He keeps his distance because he still wants to be with you but not on your terms. That may be because he doesn't want to hurt you by giving you the wrong impression. Two - he's seeing someone else at the same time and doesn't have time to be with you more. The difference between your guy and me is I'd be up front about it. I'm guessing he's a bit cowardly and I'd go with option #2. If I were you, I'd call him on it. I'd send a note like... "Hey, I really like you but this infrequent getting together isn't working for me. If you can't take time to see me more often I'm going to look somewhere else. If that's the way it is, it's cool. I wish you all the best."
phineas Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Hi Sage. So would Question 1 make a difference…? absolutly! Is you slept with him & he's acting this way then he's probably got another woman on the line because otherwise he'd make an effort to get with you for more sex.
sagetalk Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Hi Sage. 1. So would Question 1 make a difference…? 2. I get the whole jerk aspect, but up to this point, he has been anything but a jerk in regards to how he's treated/behaved towards during the times we went out, spent time together, how often he calls, when we talk on the phone, etc. 1. It is the most important question to ask at this point and you didn't answer it. 2. If he's having sex with you, yet blowing you off and saying he doesn't want a relationship yet, then he's the very definition of a jerk.
knaveman Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Hi. Okay to follow-up with my thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240854/ Met a really snazzy guy a few months ago and have been on a few dates and we talk to each other practically every day. Now, we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks and I've mentioned my interest in seeing him but he's been kind of hum drum about it. Neither of us had plans this evening, and I was really hoping we'd get to see each other but he's only really mentioned getting together towards the end of the month for an event (which would be a month since we've seen each other). We spoke briefly earlier today and I had to run out for errands, and called him back but he didn't answer. I'm starting to get a weird vibe about things, also because a few days earlier he made a statement about not rushing into things relationship wise. If someone says that, does that mean that they currently aren't thinking in terms of having a relationship? You should just ask him about it. I was in a similar situation with the last girl I dates(oh, so long ago now ) We seemed to get along great, talked all the time, only had a few dates, and then she started getting a little distant and increasingly difficult to get a hold of. I never had the balls to just outright talk to her about it and ended up suffering with "what the hell happened" for the next year. I really liked her too.
Author K'aycie Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Philetus: Those are two good perspectives, and def something to consider. But you're right, I do need to say something, because I don't want to continue on with things, based solely on assumption. Phineas: That's something I've thought about too. Sagetalk: The answer is yes. knaveman: I agree and that's exactly what I intend to do. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I know it's going to really suck if things don't work out with him, I like him a lot and I know my heart will be broken.
skydiveaddict Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I know it's going to really suck if things don't work out with him' date=' I like him a lot and I know my heart will be broken.[/quote'] Well It's up to you what to do. But guard your heart. I'm sure you know as well as I do how much a broken heart hurts. I'm still recovering after a whole year, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just be careful
Author K'aycie Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Well It's up to you what to do. But guard your heart. I'm sure you know as well as I do how much a broken heart hurts. I'm still recovering after a whole year, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just be careful Thank you.
AverageJoe Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 You just need to preemtive about it. End it now and save yourself the questions. However, I will tell you to be definitive about it. Dont do it just to get a reaction. Do it because you mean it. "Hey, I really like you but this infrequent getting together isn't working for me. If you can't take time to see me more often I'm going to look somewhere else. If that's the way it is, it's cool. I wish you all the best." If you say something like this, just to get a rise out of the guy, dont expect to hear back. If he has any kind of a spine he wouldnt contact you again. I myself would not even consider indulging your ego with a reply. It would indicate you are demanding and clingy. I say be proactive and just say nothing. Dont get the last word. Just gather yourself know you cant cant be bothered with it and move on. Then, mean it.
Author K'aycie Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 You just need to preemtive about it. End it now and save yourself the questions. However, I will tell you to be definitive about it. Dont do it just to get a reaction. Do it because you mean it. If you say something like this, just to get a rise out of the guy, dont expect to hear back. If he has any kind of a spine he wouldnt contact you again. I myself would not even consider indulging your ego with a reply. It would indicate you are demanding and clingy. I say be proactive and just say nothing. Dont get the last word. Just gather yourself know you cant cant be bothered with it and move on. Then, mean it. Thank you and I appreciate that. I don't want to just "end" it, but I will tell him what my concern is see what he says. His response at least will give me more concrete insight and a definitive understanding one way or the other.
AverageJoe Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Thank you and I appreciate that. I don't want to just "end" it' date=' but I will tell him what my concern is see what he says. His response at least will give me more concrete insight and a definitive understanding one way or the other.[/quote'] Why would you do this? Why would you even care what the reasons are? You are relying on hope. A hope that maybe he cares. Well, how is that working out so far? I am going to be honest with you, blunt, and you are not going to like it. You seem to be the kind of women I have that I can call them up at a moments notice and I have you right where I want you. You may hinge on every word or action I take. I have you, you are there and I can do whatever I want with you. You may not see it or notice it, but it happens, I do it, I get what I want, when I feel the need to give you that attention. And then when I dont give you that attention, we have the similar situation we have with you. Think about it. Is this what he is doing? I cant answer that, its possible, but what I can tell you is things like this happen. And for some reason I feel like you should know this. Do you not place more value on yourself than this? Why should you care? You have ambitions and goals set for you in a romance, I can tell. So is this acceptable to you? Of course not, dont put up with it.
Author K'aycie Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Why would you do this? Why would you even care what the reasons are? You are relying on hope. A hope that maybe he cares. Well, how is that working out so far? I am going to be honest with you, blunt, and you are not going to like it. You seem to be the kind of women I have that I can call them up at a moments notice and I have you right where I want you. You may hinge on every word or action I take. I have you, you are there and I can do whatever I want with you. You may not see it or notice it, but it happens, I do it, I get what I want, when I feel the need to give you that attention. And then when I dont give you that attention, we have the similar situation we have with you. Think about it. Is this what he is doing? I cant answer that, its possible, but what I can tell you is things like this happen. And for some reason I feel like you should know this. Do you not place more value on yourself than this? Why should you care? You have ambitions and goals set for you in a romance, I can tell. So is this acceptable to you? Of course not, dont put up with it. No it's not acceptable to me, it shouldn't be acceptable to anyone. Of course I have hope, I don't want to think of a life without having it. Not just in regards to relationships, but life in general. I know I will be alright regardless, I'd like to think I am pretty resilient.
sagetalk Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Sagetalk: The answer is yes. Well, then you have your answer whether he is a jerk or not. There are men in the world who will love and treat you the way you should be treated. Sadly, there are also men who will use you for pleasure and then run off to find another. I have little to no doubt that this guy is a jerk. Now the question is, do you want to have a relationship with a jerk? That is a question that only you can answer. He will probably contact you in the future for sex. That will be the moment you find out how much self esteem you have. I hope it's a lot . I wish you the best and hope that a man with a good heart and intentions is the one who eventually wins yours.
Author K'aycie Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 Well, then you have your answer whether he is a jerk or not. There are men in the world who will love and treat you the way you should be treated. Sadly, there are also men who will use you for pleasure and then run off to find another. I have little to no doubt that this guy is a jerk. Now the question is, do you want to have a relationship with a jerk? That is a question that only you can answer. He will probably contact you in the future for sex. That will be the moment you find out how much self esteem you have. I hope it's a lot . I wish you the best and hope that a man with a good heart and intentions is the one who eventually wins yours. I took all the advice into consideration, his comment about not going too fast and the us not seeing each other factor. Part of me felt as though I was being put on the back burner, and another part of me felt like maybe I had come on to strong and that's why he made the "not rushing" comment? Whether or not that is because of other factors, or because he is dating someone else, I don't know. So I chose to send an email basically saying what some of you already suggested and some of the thoughts I had been having. I also inquired as to whether or not things would progress. His response was basically that he didn't know yet and that he wasn't really in a relationship frame of mind. He then made a few comments about my personality in general, and he also mentioned that he was new to dating, that he hadn't dated anyone for some time. He also said that we never really discussed what are intentions and limitations were, and that it's not like we only saw each other a couple times. For me, I can't see myself being with someone who I grew genuine feelings towards, knowing that we are not exclusive to each other and that the feelings aren't mutual. I kind of thought it was already implied, on account of how often we spoke, kept in touch, the time we did spend together, etc., but that wasn't really the case it seems which is why my alarm bells started going off. Thanks for that last part, I appreciate it and thanks to everyone who responded.
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