Castillo Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Hi, I'm a single guy and I've been involved knowingly and unknowingly with an OW on 4 occasions now. I've not dated anyone in the past year and using this time as a period of reflection and asking myself why I've been involved with an OW as the 4th party. I got arrested and then released without charge by the police on a pack of lies from one of these OW a couple of years back because when I found out that she was not actually single she pre-emptively went to the Police to prevent the secret of her affair with the MM coming out and prevent the MM from knowing that she had cheated on him. I never want to be in this situation again and I now feel ready to start dating again with someone who is emotionally healthy and 100% committed to me. Question is, it seems so many single women are having affairs with MM. So how can I spot if a woman really is single and not dating a MM?
Confused4Now Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Hi, I'm a single guy and I've been involved knowingly and unknowingly with an OW on 4 occasions now. I've not dated anyone in the past year and using this time as a period of reflection and asking myself why I've been involved with an OW as the 4th party. I got arrested and then released without charge by the police on a pack of lies from one of these OW a couple of years back because when I found out that she was not actually single she pre-emptively went to the Police to prevent the secret of her affair with the MM coming out and prevent the MM from knowing that she had cheated on him. I never want to be in this situation again and I now feel ready to start dating again with someone who is emotionally healthy and 100% committed to me. Question is, it seems so many single women are having affairs with MM. So how can I spot if a woman really is single and not dating a MM?Very good question... Being a recently D and not getting the prize xMW...I'm starting to get out there myself. I can only say there are a lot of messed up people out there. Why can't people be completely out of a situation before jumping into something new. I understand you taking the time to heal and do the work cause that's what I'm doing and there is nothing worse than going out with a person who you can obviously tell they have so much baggage(emotionally) it's not even funny. But to answer your question it's trial and error....just being able to read the signs and act on your gut instincts. Usually it's not wrong. Just have to weed through all the bad to find a good one.
lilbunny Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I am really sorry that you have been led on and let down. I am an OW on an agreed break for a few months. While I have been involved with a MM I would not have considered starting anything with anyone else, it wouldn't be fair and I am shocked at the lengths that someone went to in order to keep their secret. I went on a date recently with someone I have known for a few years and dated briefly about four years ago. He has just come out of a long term relationship, although I didn't go into detail he is well aware that things are up in the air for me and everyone was clear it was unlikely to lead anywhere, but might be fun. I don't feel unfaithful to my MM, he is still living with his wife and I was pretty honest and up front. Considering some of the things you have experienced, I don't think it is just an issue of availability. OW just like single women can be nice people or unpleasant/unstable. Are you drawn to a particular 'type'? Even if the woman who called the police had been single she doesn't strike me as someone you would want to be in a relationship with. Perhaps you could look for a pattern and try and avoid it? Were these women similar in any way? I hope this helps and you find someone single and nice soon.
NoIDidn't Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I say find a way to ask them outright. Maybe not "are you currently an OW", but someway in conversation that makes the answer flow with the conversation. I always think its horrible to lead another person on in this way. My H had an EA with a co-worker and gave me permission to "get even" with him by having my own affair. It was for this reason that I told him "no". I refused to enter another individual or family into our mess. The entire concept smacks of selfishness. Using others to make one's self feel better. Actually it sounds a lot like most affairs.
Author Castillo Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Considering some of the things you have experienced, I don't think it is just an issue of availability. OW just like single women can be nice people or unpleasant/unstable. Are you drawn to a particular 'type'? Even if the woman who called the police had been single she doesn't strike me as someone you would want to be in a relationship with. Perhaps you could look for a pattern and try and avoid it? Were these women similar in any way? I hope this helps and you find someone single and nice soon. Thanks lilbunny. Yes, upon reflection within my self imposed sabbitical I have in the past been drawn to women that live on the wilder side of life. Whilst this is exciting in the beginning I've found later on that this wild irresponsible life was covering some deep emotional problems within them all. With 2 of the 4 OW, I feel that they had deep self esteem issues and they were using the MM as a validation of their attractiveness - ie if they can steal a MM from another woman then this validates their high attractive status to themselves. The validation of attractiveness is of a much higher value when she pulls a MM over a SG. These two were both very beautiful women and the red flags were present very early on in each relationship, but I chose to ignore them because of their beauty. One of the things I have learnt is not to allow beauty to buy a free ticket to poor behaviour and treatment.
White Flower Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Ask them up front for one. And start putting up some dating sites. Put some requirements up that state 'no MW or W involved with MM'. Good luck.
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