Author PrettyPoppy Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Your looking for validations that he cared, which is the same reason that you said caused fights. You felt insecure in the relationship, and even thought he would say all the rights things, and did the right things, deep down inside he was not committed to you. You sensed it on some level, so you did the one thing you though for sure would get a reaction, you broke up but sadly his response without the drama you are wanting now. He is a commitment phoebe, he would never pull the trigger when all said and done. Pick up the book He's Scared, She Scared. It will give you some insight into him, and you. Well considering everyone leaves in a few months,leading to a lifetime of alone, this isn't a stretch. We are all blind to our own process in many ways. I'm not sure what "drama" I want, I just can't do this one for a variety of reasons, that definitely contains the non priority status. I already had my work cut out for me, most women won't date him at all anymore due to the, well non-existent relationship history. I tend to not put stock in "red flags" and would rather look at the whole person. I'll take a gander at the book. In the long run, maybe it's better to do what I said in the breakup "accept where he is at" and just put it on the heap of weird **** that goes on in life at times.
Author PrettyPoppy Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) Well considering everyone leaves in a few months,leading to a lifetime of alone, this isn't a stretch. We are all blind to our own process in many ways. I'll take a gander at the book. In the long run, maybe it's better to do what I said in the breakup "accept where he is at" and just put it on the heap of weird **** that goes on in life at times. I just took a look at the book and read an excerpt. The "idealized fantasy person" is definitely at play here. I also see what I term "Groucho Marx syndrome" which is when someone will lose interest in anyone who wants them. I'm also not into that, it's a turnoff and pretty under developed to still remain unaddressed into ones 40's. She doesn't exist...move on. Know, I have my own fears and intimacy issues. I stayed single for 3 years prior to this because I knew I had failed to work on those things and instead stayed in relationship pretty steadily since 13. You're right, I have more to learn/look at, I'm none to happy about my own behavior in this relationship. I now have an opportunity to take a look at that. Thank you for your suggestion of my sensing unconsciously the issue with not being the priority. I did sense this, I also sort of know no one will be that girl and it isn't personal. I'm proud of myself for just ending it and not putting myself in a really unworkable position far deeper. I just cleaned out any reminders of him, deleted the abundant emails (that was tough) and deleted his phone number, which means that to call him I need to call Verizon to get my cell phone records as I don't have his number memorized. I'm going to move into accepting that I'm not a bad person for breaking up, nor disloyal, nor broken etc. I just can't do my own crazy reactivity and banging into a wall that doesn't see that he is one. Edited August 20, 2010 by PrettyPoppy further commentary.
bboy Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) Poppy, be glad you got out relatively unhurt. P/A syndrome is not really to play around with. They always put themselves as victims and want to stay in the spotlight. You surely have a role in this persons life and will continue so long after you've left. They are sort of drama queens. I don't judge you for getting out of this. I can understand that in a normal view, deeming you for the "blame" comes very much in handy. This is however something completely different. P/A personalities threaten to break up all the time, by putting ultimatums in silence. If you get some sort of reconciliation, it is only a matter of time before they push boundaries again. It is something they can't help, it is just in their nature. Sorry... Edited August 20, 2010 by bboy
stillafool Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I wrote that as the reality of moving loomed I needed to look realistically at the future. When doing as such I saw that he doesn't handle money well and that I was not so thrilled about his capacity to prioritize me. I also admitted that with those amid a few other things I was finding myself frustrated and trying to change him v. accepting where he was at. I stated what I know I need in an intimate relationship and how I could not see that occurring. So I now was going to opt to stop trying to make an intimate relationship work. In light of that I felt I was better as his friend (we were before) since I would not have a vested interest in what actions/decisions he made in his life. I made no mention of logistics of contact. Just stated my truth and my sorrow at failure plus a bit of specifics about what I found frustrating (the part I wish I had edited as it showed I was hurt/angry) Hence my confusion. So are you saying you didn't imply in your email that you no longer wanted to see him?
Author PrettyPoppy Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 I didn't address anything regarding seeing/emailing/calling etc. I just stated that I was going to stop trying to have an intimate relationship as it was not working well. That's all. What this implies to someone I can't determine. Most people usually have at least ONE conversation in response. So the sky is the limit on what someone's head can interpret sans feedback. I simply didn't address the issue at all. Bboy: I have no idea what would have occurred or whether he had issues with some bad or non - existent relationship skills or something that would be a diagnosis. I'm going to stay out of that realm as it seemingly won't help. I simply know that it didn't work well for me, I was reactive and often hurt and unhappy with the exchanges. That is, in the end good enough
Author PrettyPoppy Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Grey Clouds: I really want to thank you for recommending He's Scared/She's Scared. It really is exactly what I needed.
stillafool Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I didn't address anything regarding seeing/emailing/calling etc. I just stated that I was going to stop trying to have an intimate relationship as it was not working well. That's all. What this implies to someone I can't determine. Most people usually have at least ONE conversation in response. So the sky is the limit on what someone's head can interpret sans feedback. I simply didn't address the issue at all. Bboy: I have no idea what would have occurred or whether he had issues with some bad or non - existent relationship skills or something that would be a diagnosis. I'm going to stay out of that realm as it seemingly won't help. I simply know that it didn't work well for me, I was reactive and often hurt and unhappy with the exchanges. That is, in the end good enough Well if this is true, I completely understand your point. I thought you said something like "It isn't working and we need to breakup, I don't want to see you anymore", etc. I would think he would have replied to at least talk about it. He is terribly immature and was obviously waiting for an "out" in your relationship. You deserve a better man than him.
Author PrettyPoppy Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Yes, but I think we both were wanting out. I was sabotaging all over the place in very bizarre ways. I think we are not that different, except I am more mature and responsible with a bigger relationship toolbox. I think we both have issue with distancer/pursuer problems - aka intimacy. Makes sense, we are both from families that produce this: alcoholic- mine is abandoning and his is smothering. shocking to be a cliche. I just know I have these problems, he is mid 40's and doesn't that isn't promising. I don't think it will get him far.
Recommended Posts