Confusion with No Contact response.

[PrettyPoppy]

I was in a LD relationship that had some challenges. On one hand we did get along quite well, but at times it was strained. Though middle aged, he has a very limited relationship past and I tried to make concessions for that fact. The issue mainly was financial: he never seemed to save or pay much for half of the LD expense, which made me feel unimportant. We are relatively equal income wise, with him making a bit more. It also contained some immaturity on his part that I found daunting.

 

That being said, I too made many mistakes. I found myself frustrated and overly reactive to small things, most especially during periods of separation.This would cause periods of dreadful bickering.

 

With all of this in mind and the need for one of us to relocate eventually, I ended it. I wrote him an email, because that is a major form of our communication. He never responded and completely went NC, with only a change of status on FB and then he deleted me. Absolutely no response in a few weeks. This is quite painful. I accept that if you break off with someone, there are consequences to this action. But no acknowledgement seems extreme.

 

Why would or how could someone be so resolute? Is it hurt/anger and will pass as the weeks go on? Is it that he just doesn't care? I've made no attempt to call/write again and I will respect his boundaries, but I am sad. I'm not entirely sure of the breakup, have had my doubts about it and definitely know from my end it had a component of reactivity to it.

So is it me who is supposed to contact him or because he initiated NC or would it be him? It is painful to not even say goodbye..just nothing.

Edited August 18, 2010 by PrettyPoppy
edited for clarity.

[Beeotch]

I know it is painful, but this is actually probably for the best.

 

It is painful for him as well I am sure, so that is his response to it.

 

There isn't much you can do except to give him some time, and then try to reach out again and see if he responds, and if not, leave it alone.

 

I experienced something like this and in retrospect, I am glad for how it went down. I had a LD relationship as well and for various reasons it was strenuous and so I decided to end it (we both knew it had to end), but I was the one who put my foot down finally. Although I ended it, I still expected us to be friends and be cool and talk (which in reality couldn't work). He went along with it for a while and then one day completely went NC.

 

I was shocked, angry, upset and hurt. I sent him some length email and he did not respond and we did not speak until a whole year later he explained he did it because he knew the more we talked the more his feelings would grow so he thought it better he fell off the face of the earth. He was right! Had he not done that we would have fallen into the same pattern and prolonged the inevitable. I was of course confused and upset for a while during that year but I actually moved on, found someone else and later on he came back and explained (on my bday to be exact). Now we're cool and there are no hard feelings.

 

So basically, he did what he had to do, though painful for both of us and in the end it was the best. So this is probably a similar thing.

[PrettyPoppy]

Thank you.

 

If he had tried to be friends or even responded. Who doesn't even send a "I hate you" or "Good riddance" even that would be preferable and more understandable. Just airspace post a "single" on FB and then deletion.

[PrettyPoppy]

What would be a reasonable amount of cooling off time before I try to call? I think sometimes a month, then I think 90 days, then I think 6 months...

[bboy]

What would be a reasonable amount of cooling off time before I try to call? I think sometimes a month, then I think 90 days, then I think 6 months...

 

PrettyPoppy,

I just came out from an almost identical relationship and did the worst thing ever. I broke up, gave my ex a second chance and it ended in a disaster.

 

I strongly recommend you to think this over several times if a person with passive/aggresive features is someone you want to continue on with. It's a very delicate situation because lack of trust and communication are the probable causes of a crash, not the lack of love.

 

Please give this a serious thought or several serious thoughts if this is a relationship you're interested putting effort in.

 

Take a close look at following link: http://www.steadyhealth.com/articles/Passive_Aggressive_Personality_Disorder_a289.html

 

Diagnosis on self-situations are deemed to fail - but it can give a good insight in what a potential future could become.

Edited August 19, 2010 by bboy

[PrettyPoppy]

Thank you

 

I have such a hard time with making big decisions, especially before anything "major" such as infidelity etc occurs. But the signs were not good. I also was starting to just dislike myself and my ever-increasing reactivity. That is the painful part, I am not proud of my behaviour. So I second guess. I try to mind read this bizarre nothingness. I feel sad.

 

What was your relationship like? I *do* see some PA traits in him, definitely. How many are disordered or sheer lack of experience I can't tell (aka: are they mutable?)

[stillafool]

I ended it. I wrote him an email, because that is a major form of our communication. He never responded and completely went NC, with only a change of status on FB and then he deleted me. Absolutely no response in a few weeks. This is quite painful. I accept that if you break off with someone, there are consequences to this action. But no acknowledgement seems extreme.

 

 

I'm sorry you are hurt, but I would have responded the same way he did if someone sent me a breakup email. What else is there to say? If you wanted to talk about the problem you would have asked to talk but you broke up. So in my mind that would be my que to move on and respect your request.

[boltsfan17]

If someone broke up with me through an e-mail, I wouldn't have responded either. I understand e-mail was a major form of communication, but you could have called him to tell him how you feel and that you're ending things. Breaking up with someone with an e-mail is a bit tacky in my opinion.

[PrettyPoppy]

If someone broke up with me through an e-mail, I wouldn't have responded either. I understand e-mail was a major form of communication, but you could have called him to tell him how you feel and that you're ending things. Breaking up with someone with an e-mail is a bit tacky in my opinion.

 

Normally I would agree it is lame. I chose that format because I had some things to say and knew I could, out of intense emotion, possibly say them badly or harmfully. We were in another period of bickering. Also, as I said, it was our major form of communication: we both like to write.

 

Even writing I did pretty poorly containing the reactivity. I did not ask for NC, I did not say "do not respond" or any cut off. He could have responded in email or on the phone, which I would have answered.

 

I wonder if I had phoned he would have simply not responded and hung up and that's that. I think that speaks volumes.

[boltsfan17]

Since you already broke up with him via e-mail, there is no point to wonder what his reaction would have been had you called him.

 

I know you are upset right now, but I'm sure this break up was probably for the best. I'm sure his lack of a response is the way he is dealing with the break up. I know you would have liked at least a goodbye, but you didn't get that. You really need to think about yourself and moving forward. Since the relationship was strained, you really need to think if there really was a future there. I don't think a LD relationship will ever work if there are no future plans to eventually have one person relocate. Would you have done it? Would he have relocated? Since it sounds like that is one of the reasons you ended it, you need to be happy with the decision you made and move forward with no regrets.

[PrettyPoppy]

I was willing to relocate, though far more for me to do than he (I have a child) When that loomed as a reality, I began to cut through my denial of some pretty un-workable things between us.

 

Post the breakup, his strange reaction seemingly makes me believe I made the correct choice. I don't think he knows how to make another person a priority, for whatever reason (I can gather because he never has had to) and truly I would need to be solidly that to leave everything/everyone I know to travel halfway across the country. I have no problem with someone needing NC, I've done it myself. I do, however, fail to understand a nothing. It really seems to mean, more and more every day, something was very amiss.

[bboy]

What was your relationship like? I *do* see some PA traits in him, definitely. How many are disordered or sheer lack of experience I can't tell (aka: are they mutable?)

 

Horrible, I adapted, adapted then I adapted. After that I had enough broke up, big cry from her. She wrote a long long e-mail explaining things. So I went to her and got these huge promises. After calming her down 100 times and telling her that the changes from her part only had to be very small, she went right back to old behaviour and even worse.. Huge argument, then she just cut all contact without even telling me it was over. Spoke to a friend and apparently everything is my fault 100% - I'm the devil himself, she's the victim. She tried to turn over friend to "her side". Once again I tried to calm things down, sent some flowers and a "Sorry it didn't work, but you're a cool person anyway". Mostly because we have friends in common. The response came through a friend with accusation of stalking. But that was nothing to take seriously. Drama Queen behaviour..

 

Major turn offs where:

- No capability to argue socially. Everything was too serious.

- No capability of solving problems. Sticking the head into the sand was an understatement. She just pretended the problem didn't exist.

- If problem did exist, she would just mute and wait for it to go away.

- History of problem with self control. Eating disorder, Obsessive Training, Obsessive with looks. (Only child, no cousins etc etc...)

- Very intelligent on paper

- Lack of getting social signals if she's in the wrong mood.

- Always craved for Centre of attention.

- Lack of female friends.

- Lack of adaption skills.

- Manipulative as h*ll.

- Caught her lying about silly things. Stories didn't add up etc etc...

 

Now she's so stubborn that having no contact will for sure have no effect. But that doesn't matter - it's better for me to just forget her. She can be extremely charming if she has a goal in mind.

 

I can go on a whole night with my list... But it smelled trouble from the start. Eventually I turned into an older brother and not BF.

 

She's going to have enough trouble in her life anyway.. I feel a bit sad for her actually. But it's not my problem any more.

 

 

But for your own sake - save yourself from the misery. The person can be 100% charming when they want to. But it eventually runs out.

[boltsfan17]

I was willing to relocate, though far more for me to do than he (I have a child) When that loomed as a reality, I began to cut through my denial of some pretty un-workable things between us.

 

Post the breakup, his strange reaction seemingly makes me believe I made the correct choice. I don't think he knows how to make another person a priority, for whatever reason (I can gather because he never has had to) and truly I would need to be solidly that to leave everything/everyone I know to travel halfway across the country. I have no problem with someone needing NC, I've done it myself. I do, however, fail to understand a nothing. It really seems to mean, more and more every day, something was very amiss.

 

It sounds like you made the right decision. I'm sure his lack of relationship experience had something to do with his inability to make another person a priority. I would bet he is an extremely independent person. It just sounds like it would have been too much for you to give up to relocate given the circumstances.

 

Personally, I would give it some time. At least a month or two. See how you feel then. If you really have the urge, give him a call. I know it seems you want some closure, but I really don't recommend contacting him ever again. Live with your decision to end things and accept the fact at his response, even if it hurts you.

[PrettyPoppy]

It's the blaming thing in an adult (not sure how old you both were/are) and the whole weird victim thing. I think my partner took on these traits (usually female trait) in a family that was mostly female. I also think he doesn't see he does this. I can't work with someone of our ages (40's) who has not the first clue into how he relates to intimacy.

 

I knew it was a big task to take on, but I adored him and we got along well as friends. I would have at least tried / stayed to try if that one piece was available: the capacity to take responsibility and look at self in relation to another. I do also think he still is operating on a very young level with regard to reality of relationship. Understandable, it has been a lifetime of speculation, but no reality.

[PrettyPoppy]

It sounds like you made the right decision. I'm sure his lack of relationship experience had something to do with his inability to make another person a priority. I would bet he is an extremely independent person. It just sounds like it would have been too much for you to give up to relocate given the circumstances.

 

Personally, I would give it some time. At least a month or two. See how you feel then. If you really have the urge, give him a call. I know it seems you want some closure, but I really don't recommend contacting him ever again. Live with your decision to end things and accept the fact at his response, even if it hurts you.

 

 

I think this is some good advice. The No response to NC I'm aiming for right now is 90 days. I think if I hear nothing from him in 90 days I will be further capable of evaluating that objectively.

[PrettyPoppy]

I have to say, had he done anything, even a big "You B***" etc I would be less sure of myself that this was unworkable. I simply cannot believe anyone can stonewall someone this much if they meant anything to them. I've never seen that, ever, in my life. It's a bit too Dr. Spock.

[stillafool]

I did not ask for NC, I did not say "do not respond" or any cut off. He could have responded in email or on the phone, which I would have answered.

 

 

Well what words did you use when you "broke up" with him? You must have said something to the effect that you didn't want to see him. I don't understand why you would break up with him if you want to see him again. Do you want the chase? I'm not trying to be funny; but this is a bit confusing. Maybe he would be confused also if he knew you wanted him to call you.

[GrayClouds]

I was in a LD relationship that had some challenges. On one hand we did get along quite well, but at times it was strained. Though middle aged, he has a very limited relationship past and I tried to make concessions for that fact. The issue mainly was financial: he never seemed to save or pay much for half of the LD expense, which made me feel unimportant. We are relatively equal income wise, with him making a bit more. It also contained some immaturity on his part that I found daunting.

 

That being said, I too made many mistakes. I found myself frustrated and overly reactive to small things, most especially during periods of separation.This would cause periods of dreadful bickering.

 

With all of this in mind and the need for one of us to relocate eventually, I ended it. I wrote him an email, because that is a major form of our communication. He never responded and completely went NC, with only a change of status on FB and then he deleted me. Absolutely no response in a few weeks. This is quite painful. I accept that if you break off with someone, there are consequences to this action. But no acknowledgement seems extreme.

 

Why would or how could someone be so resolute? Is it hurt/anger and will pass as the weeks go on? Is it that he just doesn't care? I've made no attempt to call/write again and I will respect his boundaries, but I am sad. I'm not entirely sure of the breakup, have had my doubts about it and definitely know from my end it had a component of reactivity to it.

So is it me who is supposed to contact him or because he initiated NC or would it be him? It is painful to not even say goodbye..just nothing.

 

You was feeling insecure about the realtionship so you decided to play a game and "break-up" with him via email, hoping he come rushing back and say "no, no, no I can no leave with out you" trying to get him to give you proof he care deeply for you. It did not work out that way and now you are mad at him for accepting that you did not want to continue the relationship. The game did not work, learn the lesson that next time communicate rather then be passive aggressive.

 

Though with this guy it would not have mattered. I suspect you insecurities was well rounded, likely you was picking up that this guy really was not that into the relationship. His behavior shows it in the relationship, not paying etc, and by being able to go NC with out a blink it too shows he really did not care.

 

Time to spend some time figuring out why you put up with this less the good relationship for so long and then find someone who will commit. Good luck.

 

 

.

[PrettyPoppy]

Well what words did you use when you "broke up" with him? You must have said something to the effect that you didn't want to see him. I don't understand why you would break up with him if you want to see him again. Do you want the chase? I'm not trying to be funny; but this is a bit confusing. Maybe he would be confused also if he knew you wanted him to call you.

 

I wrote that as the reality of moving loomed I needed to look realistically at the future. When doing as such I saw that he doesn't handle money well and that I was not so thrilled about his capacity to prioritize me. I also admitted that with those amid a few other things I was finding myself frustrated and trying to change him v. accepting where he was at.

 

I stated what I know I need in an intimate relationship and how I could not see that occurring. So I now was going to opt to stop trying to make an intimate relationship work.

 

In light of that I felt I was better as his friend (we were before) since I would not have a vested interest in what actions/decisions he made in his life.

 

I made no mention of logistics of contact. Just stated my truth and my sorrow at failure plus a bit of specifics about what I found frustrating (the part I wish I had edited as it showed I was hurt/angry)

 

Hence my confusion.

[PrettyPoppy]

You was feeling insecure about the realtionship so you decided to play a game and "break-up" with him via email, hoping he come rushing back and say "no, no, no I can no leave with out you" trying to get him to give you proof he care deeply for you. It did not work out that way and now you are mad at him for accepting that you did not want to continue the relationship. The game did not work, learn the lesson that next time communicate rather then be passive aggressive.

 

Though with this guy it would not have mattered. I suspect you insecurities was well rounded, likely you was picking up that this guy really was not that into the relationship. His behavior shows it in the relationship, not paying etc, and by being able to go NC with out a blink it too shows he really did not care.

 

Time to spend some time figuring out why you put up with this less the good relationship for so long and then find someone who will commit. Good luck.

 

 

.

 

 

Actually wasn't playing games. I don't think anyone breaks up or is the dumpee and has 100% conviction of ok. I too wished very badly it would have worked, but in light of moving a child and myself half way across the country (commitment was not an issue, it was a done deal) I felt the stonewalling and bickering had to be looked at, regardless of how much I wanted the thing to work.

 

I've been married before, for a long time. I am also way too old for game playing as you end up with the boobie prize. That being said, you are correct that his reaction is telling - most especially for someone who both said they loved you but duly wanted you to aim for transplanting, had just introduced you to his family/friends etc. I really don't know, it makes no sense. But that is exactly why I couldn't keep going, it made no sense and the confusion was frustrating, aggravating and painful. I knew that if I headed toward re-location this was far too weird.

 

Treating me poorly. Well he didn't really treat me poorly, he just didn't seem to get that handling ones money is important (this reflects all over his life) and that stonewalling tactics don't work ever nor does saying absolutely low blow things to someone in a temperate voice make one "doing nothing"

 

I am still confused and do know there is a bit to pick through. It is all very strange to me and at times, very painful.

[GrayClouds]

What is confusing is you have decided to end i but want him to make contact? What is the reason other then to sting it out?

[GrayClouds]

double post

[PrettyPoppy]

What is confusing is you have decided to end i but want him to make contact? What is the reason other then to sting it out?

 

I don't necessarily want to string it along. I feel I just landed on Mars...

 

I don't get nothing. I get yelling, I get curt emails, I get No Contact (not a fan of keeping the ex's around like man pets) I get I'm hurt ...I get anything.

I don't get wanting someone to move with their kid halfway across the country, introducing them to your family (I am the FIRST) and your friends resulting in air and childish FB rubbish like a 24 hour single status change and then disconnect. That from a 40 something man?

 

Do I even know a man who could have such coldness? I guess I do. It does serve to validate (oh boy it does) that I did the right thing, but I guess I can't make sense of the polarities of action. I don't want to feel he freaked me out, just more that we tried and didn't work out. But this is sort of freakish.

[PrettyPoppy]

What is confusing is you have decided to end i but want him to make contact? What is the reason other then to sting it out?

 

I keep trying to remember the lack of relationship...but that also seems excuse making. Even if he didn't care much about me, why all this hoopla and then nothing? It's just ...abnormal.

[GrayClouds]

Your looking for validations that he cared, which is the same reason that you said caused fights. You felt insecure in the relationship, and even thought he would say all the rights things, and did the right things, deep down inside he was not committed to you. You sensed it on some level, so you did the one thing you though for sure would get a reaction, you broke up but sadly his response without the drama you are wanting now.

 

He is a commitment phoebe, he would never pull the trigger when all said and done. Pick up the book He's Scared, She Scared. It will give you some insight into him, and you.