art_vandelay Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Hey everyone. First time poster here. Guess I never thought I'd be posting in a forum like this but if anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it because I'm feeling really miserable now. Here's the background....I'm a 50 year old divorced man with 3 kids (actually an amicable divorce, we just grew apart but still friends with my ex). I have a graduate degree, good job, do not smoke, do not drink, and have no vices to speak of. Four years ago I went on dating website and met an attractive divorced woman who I thought was great. She is about 5 years younger and has 2 kids (boy 18 and girl 14)at home. She is a "type A" personality, has a high paying job as a director, and is likes to be independent. She had some hard knocks in life.....her father left for another woman when she was young, she left her husband due to his behavior going to bars and carrying on instead of being home with the family. She had a couple relationships after the divorce, and was actually engaged once, but she sent them packing due to more issues with them being insecure and trying to control her too much. One of these relationships was actually a friends with benefits kind of thing. I know I'm leaving out a lot of details in order to stay brief but these are the highlights. So, I came along 4 years ago and we initially decided we would be just friends because she didn't think we were matched up that well as a couple. After a little while though, it became more. For the first 2 and a half years or so it wasn't too bad. I would go over and see her every night and I would sleep over when the kids were at their dad's. We got along great and sexually, we were very compatible. I did have a few issues but I thought I could deal with them, those being, she was a heavy smoker, she drank every evening, and had a bit of a rough personality, using a lot of profanity and so on. Also, her kids were very disrespectful towards her and, consequently, towards me as well. Knowing the background she had, I decided from the beginning that I'd never treat her disrespectfully, I'd never try to control her, never raise my voice or use profanity with her and I have stuck to that to this day. About a year and a half ago, she said she wanted to buy a bigger house, with the idea that I could move in with her and her kids. I guess this was my big mistake because, not thinking anything would happen very quick, I went along with it. I did mention that she should do it primarily for her and her family but she was doing it for us I guess. Well she quickly found a house in foreclosure and bought it. I told her then that I did not feel comfortable making that move then because of the issues I mentioned and also because of the fact that I still had a house and a mortgage I could not get rid of yet (due to separation agreement), and that I could not contribute anything financially towards staying at her house. What I really worried about the most was how it would affect my youngest daughter (15 now) and how I would deal with her issues 24/7. I also felt she would resent it after a while if I was not paying anything towards living with her and would not really feel at home because I wouldn't really have anything that was my own space. In spite of this, I wanted to be with her and I did try to integrate myself as much as possible with out officially living there. I brought clothes and some personal things so that I could stay there more and sleep over any time. Well, I guess this didn't cut it because it began a downward spiral that culminated in here telling me leave last night. The list of reasons was long. She said I betrayed her and lied to her about the house. She said she wanted someone who "had her back", someone who would defend her, take care of her and do things for her, which I failed to do. She said some hurtful things like her last bf (actually the friend with benefits) was a much better friend to her that I was because he treated her like a queen (but also tried to control her). She said I spent so much time there that I cost her her relationships with her girl friends and took away quality time from her and her kids. She claimed I tried to take advantage of her financially because we were shared cost on dates, I arranged it so she had to pay more (I had no plan to do this). She said I only came to see her when it was convenient for me and she was not a priority. She topped it off with saying her friends have told her she can do much better. In my defense, I told her that all I tried to do was to love her, respect, and let her be who she was, without trying to control or dominate her. I'm not a real handy man around the house but I always helped her with things when I could. I never refused a request to go somewhere or do something with her when she asked. I knew she wanted to feel independent so I tried not to intrude too much while still being there for her. Like I said, I never swore at her or raised my voice to her. I did go to her house practically everyday, I only didn't if I was doing something with my kids or not feeling well. I tried to reason with her but she wouldn't have it. She said she can't do it anymore, she has an empty feeling inside, and can't take it any more. At this point, I'm completely wigged out. Based on everything, I don't know if I should be relieved or what but all I do know is I feel devastated. Does anybody have any opinion on what I should do next. I'm telling you, at my age, i don't know if I can start over again...
GorillaTheater Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I can't help but think that you should feel relieved. It sounds like you've had to walk on eggshells for the past year or two just to avoid pissing her off. That's no way to live, and I've got to imagine that under the pain of the split that you feel quite a bit "lighter". She sounds very hard to please and all too ready to blame others for her problems and throw them under the bus. Makes you wonder if her previous relationships were exactly how she described. I'm 48. Trust me when I say that 50 is practically youthful. It's still a big world out there, with plenty of women that won't make you feel like a whipped dog. You're free now, embrace it.
Author art_vandelay Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 I should also mention that she is totally anti-marriage - she does not want to be married again, just co-habitate. She says marraige just makes things messy. I don't share that opinion though..
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 WTF? this bitch was crazy!!! RUN! She wanted to buy a house and just live in it, boyfriend and girlfriend but not get married again, is this what you wanted? No, then you shouldn't tolerate that. She sounds mentally unstable if you ask me.
witabix Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I agree with Woggle and would add its a shame she didn't do you that favour a while ago. Cheeky person that she is. she can do better, ex treated her like a queen, indeed, like an ex queen now anyway. I am the same age, and I share your view on the starting all over again thing. Don't know if I have the energy for all the drama. Been single now for nearly six months. It can be a little lonely sometimes but you get over that. The freedom is cool though, no one to whine in my ear, or complain about her ex, or freak out because there is water dripping from the overflow tank and her cranky car is gone too, excellent. Take some time to get all comfy with yourself, relax, hang out. Enjoy the peace and quiet. There will be another one along in awhile, recharge your batteries in the meantime.
Author art_vandelay Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Had a long, bad night last night. Just kept re-playing she said over and over in my head...second guessing everything I did. I so tempted to try to call her and say I'll move there and get things back on track. But I don't know that she'd even talk to me...she said she wanted time alone. I don't know what to do...
witabix Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Don't do anything today, write out your thoughts/feelings as if you were going to send a letter, then burn it. Be strong, this is just a temporary feeling of being lonely. It will pass. What do you like to do? I love stand up comedy, when I get like this I watch some stand up comedy, always gets me back on track. Laughter is the best medicine.
Woggle Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I don't know what to do... Be grateful you dodged a bullet.
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