LostInTurn Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 He's terrible! All he does it say I was mean and hurtful. So, I turn it on him. He was mean and hurtful. He takes offense? Seriously? Seriously?! How is that even possible? I did nothing wrong. He makes me feel terrible about myself. He makes me feel like I am the scum of the earth and I have honestly done nothing wrong here! I feel like I'm going to explode. Is he really that stupid? Does he really not get it? Well, I am done. No more. No more talking to him. No more breaking NC. No more feeling bad and crying. Well... maybe tears, but I can't really help that. He's a jerk. He has no grasp of reality and I cannot stand him.
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 My ex treated me the same way. Sweetheart, he is probably trying to project his faults onto you in order to alleviate his own guilt and sense of blame. It is best to avoid someone you can't speak rationally with and who takes no responsibility for his part in hurting you. Stay strong and don't let his blame permeate your sense of self-worth and happiness.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Yeah. I can't stand him either. ..................................
Author LostInTurn Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 He was all over the map... first he said he didn't want to talk, then he said he couldn't talk while he was at work, then he said leave him alone. He knows how to upset me too. He kept saying 'say something mean... I know you want to' and I wouldn't. I refused. But then I freaked out. I couldn't hear the 'you said mean hurtful things' anymore. He said mean and hurtful things to me! Look where his actions got me! Dammit! So, I told him, I cannot do this. I deserve better. He cannot tell me to leave him alone, then tell me I am not going about getting him back right and digging myself a hole, and all over the map. So, I told him I want to be with someone who will appreciate me. Who will love me and be honest. I didn't say anything mean, I was honest. I did however say that he was pushing ME. Then he says 'Well, I guess you've decided we're not going to work' OMG... seriously?! He is a freaking psycho and all over the place! I do not understand, and I think that's the part that gets to me. How he was so nice, and turned so mean. Does not see his faults and does not comprehend what he is doing. This is insanity. How do I stay on track and not miss him again? That freaks me out. I refuse!
Author LostInTurn Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 My ex treated me the same way. Sweetheart, he is probably trying to project his faults onto you in order to alleviate his own guilt and sense of blame. It is best to avoid someone you can't speak rationally with and who takes no responsibility for his part in hurting you. Stay strong and don't let his blame permeate your sense of self-worth and happiness. How did you finally realize that and get through it?
Dressagechick Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Lost - I'm not sure I have this right, but you felt he was mean and hurtful, you told him how you felt, and HE got offended? If that is accurate, then mine did the same thing. It got to the point where it was actually laughable, e.g., I'd think: "So, you've done something that you KNOW hurts me in some way (because I told you it did previously), I point it out, and you...get upset with me?! For what?! Pointing it out?! You doing it in the first place?! HUH?!" Now just wait a minute....LOL. When someone does something like this repeatedly, and it is so patently preposterous, I eventually arrive at "Does.Not.Compute." I must be limited (or something). In any event, I figured out that some people just can't handle the "mirror," and by pointing out that he's done something hurtful, you've held up a mirror, and there is a reflection in it that he doesn't want to see (assuming I have correctly stated the issue). There's not much you can do about this besides move on, unfortunately. He sounds exceedingly emotionally immature, not to mention passive-aggressive (love the "oh so you've decided...." nonsense - and that's exactly what it is - complete gibberish). Again, mine did the same thing, i.e., "I think you want me to end this." Funny that I didn't say anything of the sort, and I'm quite precise. At that point, what he was saying was so absurd, there was no point in even responding, you know? He knows I didn't say anything of the sort, and he was just trying to blame me for what he was doing. Whatever. The fact that he has to somehow reconcile that in his own head (or not - he may not be that reflective - I don't know anymore, and I don't care) is his problem. I'd definitely prefer someone who doesn't speak gibberish and has more than a teaspoonful of the ability to self-reflect. You do, too, from what you've said. You'll get there - if it helps, every time he opens his mouth (if you're still in contact) or every time you recall something he said, just think: "Wow, that's total gibberish. Who says that?!" You may even start laughing about it. -DC
Author LostInTurn Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 And the latest: He goes from telling me he doesn't want to talk and it will never work out to saying, he wishes it could have, but look how I'm acting. I admit, my calls and texts seem like I'm chasing. Well, my last text to him was that 'I have an interview tomorrow. I cannot worry about him, this us, or whatever this was. I have myself, a future and the amazing things in my future to worry about'. Apparently, that statement hit home or something... because he goes... 'If you want me gone... I'm gone' Umm... hello, he's the one who's been admanately saying that BS all day for me to go away. I make one statement and suddenly HE feels hurt and rejected?! Why? Because he now sees that my life is not standing still because of him? Seriously?!
Author LostInTurn Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Lost - I'm not sure I have this right, but you felt he was mean and hurtful, you told him how you felt, and HE got offended? If that is accurate, then mine did the same thing. It got to the point where it was actually laughable, e.g., I'd think: "So, you've done something that you KNOW hurts me in some way (because I told you it did previously), I point it out, and you...get upset with me?! For what?! Pointing it out?! You doing it in the first place?! HUH?!" Now just wait a minute....LOL. When someone does something like this repeatedly, and it is so patently preposterous, I eventually arrive at "Does.Not.Compute." I must be limited (or something). In any event, I figured out that some people just can't handle the "mirror," and by pointing out that he's done something hurtful, you've held up a mirror, and there is a reflection in it that he doesn't want to see (assuming I have correctly stated the issue). There's not much you can do about this besides move on, unfortunately. He sounds exceedingly emotionally immature, not to mention passive-aggressive (love the "oh so you've decided...." nonsense - and that's exactly what it is - complete gibberish). Again, mine did the same thing, i.e., "I think you want me to end this." Funny that I didn't say anything of the sort, and I'm quite precise. At that point, what he was saying was so absurd, there was no point in even responding, you know? He knows I didn't say anything of the sort, and he was just trying to blame me for what he was doing. Whatever. The fact that he has to somehow reconcile that in his own head (or not - he may not be that reflective - I don't know anymore, and I don't care) is his problem. I'd definitely prefer someone who doesn't speak gibberish and has more than a teaspoonful of the ability to self-reflect. You do, too, from what you've said. You'll get there - if it helps, every time he opens his mouth (if you're still in contact) or every time you recall something he said, just think: "Wow, that's total gibberish. Who says that?!" You may even start laughing about it. -DC Yes, you are correct. It's really unbelievable how someone can be that way. Your theory makes sense. Thank you.
spriggig Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 This is all I had to read: He was all over the map... first he said he didn't want to talk, then he said he couldn't talk while he was at work, then he said leave him alone. He's trying to blow you off and you won't take the hint. He doesn't want to hurt you, he want's you to leave him alone. So, leave him alone. He's probably cracking jokes with his buddies about how "this crazy chick won't leave me alone!" He's just not that into you.
Dressagechick Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 And the latest: He goes from telling me he doesn't want to talk and it will never work out to saying, he wishes it could have, but look how I'm acting. I admit, my calls and texts seem like I'm chasing. Well, my last text to him was that 'I have an interview tomorrow. I cannot worry about him, this us, or whatever this was. I have myself, a future and the amazing things in my future to worry about'. Apparently, that statement hit home or something... because he goes... 'If you want me gone... I'm gone' Umm... hello, he's the one who's been admanately saying that BS all day for me to go away. I make one statement and suddenly HE feels hurt and rejected?! Why? Because he now sees that my life is not standing still because of him? Seriously?! Who cares how he feels? If it were me, I wouldn't tell him that your life was not going to stand still because of him, I'd just live it. In a way, you're kind of playing into it (and I don't mean that in a bad way; I'm just pointing it out...) by saying "I can't worry about this...." The best (and admittedly most difficult) thing to do is....not to worry about it. Don't give him any chance for air time on the issue. Can you go NC? He's obviously upsetting you, and that's no good for you. NC is effective for getting clarity, and it does get easier with space and time. -DC
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 How did you finally realize that and get through it? Well I'm not entirely through it. I'm an incredibly sensitive person and a worrier and I hate anyone to think badly of me, especially if I feel I've done nothing to deserve it. With my ex, I simply realised that I hadn't done anything wrong, and no matter how much he tried to convince me of that, I would not accept it. Of course we all do little things wrong in relationships and make mistakes, I certainly did more than my share, but I took the blame and responsibility for those a long time ago, so him trying to make me feel small and guilty now, is quite frankly cruel. I think they either can accept that we made our own mistakes, or they can't, but if they can't, they shouldn't throw them in our face everytime. Your ex sounds incredibly confused about how he sees you, mine was the same, wanting to be friends, not wanting to talk, thinking about getting back together, be friends, then finally leave me alone. All over the place and never REALLY clear about his motivations or WHY he was changing his mind. You have to assume that if they cared enough they would be honest with you about what they are thinking or feeling, no matter how confused they are. Anything else is just a game, its saying 'I want you to be confused like me. I don't know what I want so I wont let you go just in case what I want is you.' And one way to keep someone hooked is to keep them confused. A confused person requires answers and if you're anything like me, will stay around and put up with a lot just to be able to be a little closer to understanding what the hell is going on. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Just tell yourself you have done your best and it is him really in this situation that needs to apologise and be mature - not you. You will only degenerate to his level if he continues to push you, as that seems to be the only level on which he can communicate.
flyguy23 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 My ex did the same thing to me. Treated me badly, said and did hurtful things to me and then got mad when I was upset. Now she just stopped talking to me. What is this? Manipulation? Immaturity?
Author LostInTurn Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Well I'm not entirely through it. I'm an incredibly sensitive person and a worrier and I hate anyone to think badly of me, especially if I feel I've done nothing to deserve it. With my ex, I simply realised that I hadn't done anything wrong, and no matter how much he tried to convince me of that, I would not accept it. Of course we all do little things wrong in relationships and make mistakes, I certainly did more than my share, but I took the blame and responsibility for those a long time ago, so him trying to make me feel small and guilty now, is quite frankly cruel. I think they either can accept that we made our own mistakes, or they can't, but if they can't, they shouldn't throw them in our face everytime. Your ex sounds incredibly confused about how he sees you, mine was the same, wanting to be friends, not wanting to talk, thinking about getting back together, be friends, then finally leave me alone. All over the place and never REALLY clear about his motivations or WHY he was changing his mind. You have to assume that if they cared enough they would be honest with you about what they are thinking or feeling, no matter how confused they are. Anything else is just a game, its saying 'I want you to be confused like me. I don't know what I want so I wont let you go just in case what I want is you.' And one way to keep someone hooked is to keep them confused. A confused person requires answers and if you're anything like me, will stay around and put up with a lot just to be able to be a little closer to understanding what the hell is going on. Don't let him make you feel guilty. Just tell yourself you have done your best and it is him really in this situation that needs to apologise and be mature - not you. You will only degenerate to his level if he continues to push you, as that seems to be the only level on which he can communicate. I'm a worrier as well. I would worry about everything and everyone. I don't like if people are upset with me either. I feel terrible when this happens, especially if I have done nothing wrong. Like you, I have taken responsibility for the things I have done wrong and apologized, but he just wants me to take ownership of everything. He makes me confused. Someone in an earlier post said he's not into me anymore. I don't agree. From his messages, he's angry yes, but the back and forth. The moods. The here and there. Of course he is. In some ways, I think he wants me to walk 10,000 miles to show I care or something ridiculous... take an add out in the paper confessing my love. I don't know. But it doesn't sit well with me. I understand what you mean about telling him about my life. I agree, I shouldn't. But in the moment I did and I don't regret it. I am trying to be real with my feelings. I don't think I should have to keep them inside. I was trying. I tried. I woke-up this morning feeling sick about it. I wish I could fast forward 5 months, and hopefully I'll be feeling a bit better.
Author LostInTurn Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 My ex did the same thing to me. Treated me badly, said and did hurtful things to me and then got mad when I was upset. Now she just stopped talking to me. What is this? Manipulation? Immaturity? I think they try and manipulate us. They can get upset, and hurt us for whatever the reason they think this is justified. However, we cannot voice our opinions or be hurt. The minute we say something to hurt them, the world has ended, what happened, how could we do this. I think they feel hurt and this is why they treat us this way. They know we are good people and they want to keep us around, but they also know they'll feel better treating someone like this because it conceals their feelings, so we are walked all over. It's not fair and it's not right. It makes me (I don't know about you) but I want to hide and I feel like a terrible person who needs lessons on how to treat someone. We just need to remember, we have feelings as well and we cannot own all of this. I think that's the most difficult piece for me. I take ownership of things I never should.
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