EthanH Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Gah, I hate the situation I'm in atm! basically, my gf of over a year broke up with me in feb. We got back a few times for a couple of days each time in the month after that, although it was mostly thoughtless and just sex. in may, after I had wished her good luck with her uni exams (friends suggested it would help her a lot, and I saw her exams as more important than maintaining NC for my own means)... she contacted me repeatedly after that. Until the 1st of July, she called me every night and came over to my flat to see me, she would sleep over at mine, and we went on a few days etc etc, it was good. I deliberately kept things light, as I didn't want to be blamed for rushing things. On a number of occasions she came out and said she really liked me, but was scared of commitment and some issues from when we dated...but that I should know how much she liked me. She told me she didn't want to be with anyone else, said she had no plans to, only liked me etc etc, but was stuck on the details of the fact that if she said to me straight out that she wasn't interested in anyone else and it was cast iron that nothing would happen, essentially she would be in a relationship with me, and that was something that she was scared of. She went away for a summer job which lasted 3 weeks. Called me every night. She also spoke to people there which was something she always had resisted as much as possible in the time before. Then the day before she was due to finish the job, we were speaking on the phone and she came out with 'I just don't know if I want to be with someone who I'm not sure I like enough'. This wasn't something she hasn't said before, she has said similar things, and then justified it to me in time as just her trying to push me away so she could have 'space' to think, essentially saying she didn't mean it. She said she needed to think. I thought about things and decided I wanted to tell her that I had had 'enough'. Wrote her this big email and said that when she decided to treat me properly, ie if she decides she still likes me, it needs to be more than her just being confused and then blaming me for 'tricking' her into getting back with me, then she knows i like her, and things might work... but until then, I want her to just leave me alone. The problem is, and this is my question... I am so worried now, based on what she said to a friend that I had 'accepted it'... by her own admission we were essentially back together for june and july... and yet i did what she said she wanted. I'm scared that now, she is able to move on because she thinks it is what she has to do. I don't want her to mess me around. But I don't want her to totally dismiss the idea, and not think about it if she is unsure, in 'kindness' to me. It took a lot for me to push someone away who i really really like, and now I feel terrible.
Fruitpunch Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 People are selfish. She isnt going to really like you but "move on" becaue she thinks its better for you You are much better her thinking you have move on, it triggers attraction switches
GrayClouds Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 People are selfish. She isnt going to really like you but "move on" becaue she thinks its better for you You are much better her thinking you have move on, it triggers attraction switches WTF? " trigger attraction"? Children play games not adults. I does not matter what she is thinking do what is right for you. If it is down to playing games like this trying to make someone feel something, it is a crap realtionship. Why would you want to be with someone who you have to convince them to be with you, if she actually cared fro you she would be find sweet and loving ways to be convincing you. Ethan, you did the right thing, she wants you for a relationship of convenience, have you hang around when she wants it then pushes way when that is other things of interest out there. Until you let this go your not going to experience the love of someone who actually cares for you.
Don Ho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Ethan. You did the right thing for you. I think you were tired of being led around by her, so don't worry what you emailed her. You can't undo it anyway. We always sit there and question ourselves: "did I say the right thing? the wrong thing? too much? should I have let it go?" Just stop it. The past is done with. While you claim you layed back with her the second go round, I bet you let her lead the situation and you were so filled with joy that she was back in your arms you acted like a pussy. That, to me, is why it didn't work out. So next time around make sure you have some backbone and if a woman doesn't like it, then she can go down the f'in road. WTF? " trigger attraction"? Children play games not adults. If it is down to playing games like this trying to make someone feel something, it is a crap relationship. Yes, leaving someone alone can make them more interested, "triggering attraction". It's human nature. Do all you guys think your GF fell for you because of your good looks and your expertise in bed? No, it was YOUR attitude to a large degree. Well, I guess I'm a child then. After 30 years of dating (I'm now 45) I just started figuring out a few years ago that the way I acted towards my GFs, nice, helpful, caring, ended up with them losing interest and dumping me. Like it or not, I still argue that relationships are a game and it's instinctual for us. I've learned the hard way that "nice guys finish last" and if you're more interested in them than they are you or you're too available or care too much, they lose attraction and will eventually dump you for a "stronger" mate. I think any relationship requires some teasing, cat and mouse, and keeping it a challenge. It's a crap relationship whenever you care more about the other person than they do you or you give your power away. BTW. Look at my first quote on my signature.
GrayClouds Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) DH, I general find your advice spot on, but we disagree on this point Not to hi-jack the tread but I suspect that signature offer more insight into the struggles of the previous relationships than you actually realize. "The one who cares least controls the relationship!"It is not nice guy behavior that is the problem, it is the "nice guy I'm-Not -Worthy" attitude behind the behavior. They present the caring, helpful, generous behavior not out of genuine kindness but manipulation striving to control they other person. It based on a co-dependency of I will take perfect care of you so you will have to always love me. Rather then being done in love, it is done trying to manipulate the other person into loving them and keeping the person from leaving. And if they do leave it confirm the "nice guy" worst belief of themselves and a sense of being a victim. It is "niceness" as result of fear not love, and often these "nice guys" end up choosing a partners who will confirm there fears. They choose partners apt to only be able to take and have difficultly committing in the long run. This fulfills the "nice guys" belief that they have to prove their lover and continually sacrifice healthy boundaries to keep it. It has very little to do with the kind, caring, nice behavior but "nice guy" internal belief, self esteem issues and often abandonment issues. We generally pick people who believes what we believe about ourselves. The only thing a person can control in a relationship is themselves, if your looking for control in a relationship, then often your going to sacrifice love in the process. When issue of control dominates a realtionship the result is a decrease in intimacy and power struggles maneuvering for the upper hand. It become two individuals focusing on trying to get their share rather then a partnership working together on a shared vision. Edited August 18, 2010 by GrayClouds
mickleb Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 The only thing a person can control in a relationship is themselves, if your looking for control in a relationship, then often your going to sacrifice love in the process. When issue of control dominates a realtionship the result is a decrease in intimacy and power struggles maneuvering for the upper hand. It become two individuals focusing on trying to get their share rather then a partnership working together on a shared vision. "In response to those that accuse Pagan of preaching manipulation, Pagan explains the irony that men who are unsuccessful with women are extremely manipulative themselves and that a secure male doesn't need to manipulate." Thought you might find the above statement interesting, Mr. Ho. x
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