Thinkalot Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 I've said before, I am very close to my Mum. I am an only child, my parents divorced when I was 4, and I have always had an unusually close bond with Mum as a result. She has always been a great mum to me, but the closeness also has caused some difficulties at times. It caused some problems when I began a relationship with my current partner, owing to conflicts between him and mum, and also mum had a tough time really letting go, and agreeing to disagree with me on certain issues. I also had a tough time letting go to be honest. I felt caught in the middle and became quite depressed. I sought counselling and read books and Mum also came around, and that issue has now been resolved. Mum and I are still close, and my partner and mum are friends, and I have achieved a balance. BUT- I still worry about my mum very much. She has some health and money problems and is often quite lonely. She also tends to get depressed sometimes. She has few people to talk to about her worries but me, so I hear about them. I do what I can to help, by offering emotional and some monetary support and advice. I see her often. My struggle is learning how to feel compassion and concern, but not letting mum's worries have an overly big affect on my life and my happiness. I have been told many times to 'not take on others problems' but I still find this concept a tough one. My mum also tells me to enjoy my life, and not to worry so much...that she is responsible for her life. Yet, other times, when she tells me her troubles, I feel responsible! Any advice, hints, insights? Perhaps some of you have faced the same difficulties.
yes Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 suggestion: encourage her to take up something that'll increase her social circle - like a pilates class, or gardening, or whatever else she likes. she'll still bring you her worries, but less of it, if she has more people to complain to. i think it's only natural to worry abt one's parents, and i doubt you within yourself can do anything abt that. good luck, -yes
Glors1116 Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 I sympathize with you on the closeness between you and your mom and that causing problems. There was a time when my mom and I were very close. I don't know if we were really "best friends" the way she remembers it or whether she depended on me for her emotional and mental support and I was there to provide it to her. But now I am not and we're not as close as we used to be. She's upset because I don't call her every day, but to be truthful, I get very depressed when I talk to her. She's going through a divorce/separation with my father and it's difficult for me to have to listen to the same issues over and over and over again. It has been taking a toll on me both mentally and emotionally. Then lately, I kept interpretting everything she said to me to be a veiled critism. I've been making comments to her that I know will hurt her but I still say it anyway. It's like something evil inside me, making me be hurtful. She got so upset the other day that she started hollering at me over the phone, asking me why I'm so hateful to her, why do I have to make her feel like such a horrible mother. I told her that she makes me feel like a horrible daughter and she said that I am. She said that from now on I can forget we even know each other. She doesn't want to acknowledge me as her daughter ever again. She hung up on me and it was the worst feeling I ever had. I am not a hurtful or hateful person. Other people who know me would never describe me as having an attitude problem. I know that she's hurting and I am too. I know she needs to see a therapist for her own relationship problems instead of pouring them all out on me, but she refuses. She sees it as a slap in the face to me that she would rather speak to a stranger about her problems than her own family. But I'm only family - I'm not equipped to handle her problems, much less objectively. What can I do to make this right? I emailed her and said that I would stop second guessing everything she says to me, but I can't understand where this innate suspicion of being critisized comes from.
Author Thinkalot Posted February 17, 2004 Author Posted February 17, 2004 Mother's can make quite veiled attacks. They can control, manipulate and provoke feelings of guilt. Sometimes they don't even know they do it and they are acting out of fear, or on things THEIR mum taught them. Sometimes we don't even see they are doing it! Been there myself! Maybe your feeling of being criticised comes in part from reality, and things said or implied in the past, or things you've been taught about family obligations and duty. perhaps you have on overdeveloped sense of obligation. Also, been there. Even the best mum in the world gets it wrong sometimes, and is a human being, with human weaknesses. Sometimes I find it tough talking to mum when she is down in the dumps. I dont know how to help. I end up wanting to fix everything but I cant! Then I feel down in the dumps too. My partner notices my mood change, and tries to help me understand I simply can't fix everything. We need to learn how to offer support, without taking things on. I've heard the advice before, and sometimes I manage it, but other times it is really tough. If it's any consolation, my mum and I had some bitter horrid fights during the transition/fighting between her and my partner and I felt truly devastated and shocked and plain depressed. My relationship with my partner also nearly ended as a result. BUT I got there, and so did mum, and we made up. I wrote her a long letter, which hurt her feelings, but perhaps helped her understand my perspective. Give her time. Give yourself time. Explain how you feel without anger or blame, or saying hurtful things. That helps noone. I ended up feeling tough and awful, but I stood my ground on a few things, and as a result Mum and I forged a new, in some ways, better relationship, which gave us both a bit more independence from the other. I find it tough sometimes still, cos we are a tiny family, and there arent many other shoulderns to lean on. And try and understand the pain/fear or whatever, which is probably driving your mum's actions sometimes. This will help you show her compassion too. Good luck.
Glors1116 Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 Well that leaves me very hopeful. I haven't talked to her yet. Everyone else I've told about the issue seems to believe that she is putting a lot of guilt on me and that she needs to sort things out for herself first. They also believe she'll get over it and forgive me. I just don't know. I guess these kinds of things are normal between mothers and daughters. But she's at that age where she's going through a lot of changes and I am too, but isn't that just an excuse? Am I fated to do this to my own children, or my own daughter? I mean, I hear and read about people who end up becoming just like their mothers and that really scares me. I don't think my mother has any flaws - she's just going through a hard time right now and sees me as an ally, or she did at least. But she's leaning on me way too much and it's causing a wedge to grow between us. It hurts.
Author Thinkalot Posted February 18, 2004 Author Posted February 18, 2004 I feel for you, I really do, because I know how much it can hurt, and how tough it can be! Your Mum, just like my mum, is a great mum I am sure. But she is going through changes, and does have her own issues to handle. So did mine, even though I hated to admit that, or have that pointed out to me, because I immediately jumped to mum's defence every time! It is natural for things like this to happen. It doesnt happen to everyone, but it happens. Your mum does need to leanon you less (same as in my situation) but it's so tough when you really want to help and have things be all friendly again. I really think it will improve. Try to calmly tell, or write, to your mum how you feel. She might not be very receptive right away, but she will want to mend the rift too, so she will listen! She is no doubt hurting, just like you.
Glors1116 Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 I had a long conversation with my cousin about this yesterday and she gave me some really good insight. It matches a lot of what you've told me... but I guess I just have to show her I need her, and to stop automatically going against everything she says. I'm trying to keep in mind that she needs to feel needed and that I have to find a way to show it to her. Sigh. It's just so hard. I feel like she's jealous of my friends, jealous of my ex fiance, jealous of my relationship with my dad... and she wants the best for me too. It's so confusing. I know it's difficult to be a mother, and while I'm not a mother, I'm almost afraid to become one because of this.
Glors1116 Posted February 20, 2004 Posted February 20, 2004 I called my mom last night and she acted like she didn't know who I was. She thinks I disrespect her. Everyone tells me it's impossible for her to never speak to me again because I'm her daughter. I think it's true - she won't be so unreasonable that she'd ignore me forever, and she did speak to me last night after all. But she claims she doesn't know me anymore, that the person I was before when I was still in high school is no longer the same person I am toda.y. I've been out of the house for 6 years now. You'd think we'd have adjusted to one anothers differences by now. I used to wonder if it was a cultural thing (we're Chinese, but I was born and raised in the US). But in hearing other people's stories and reading about them in books... it seems like mothers can be the same across all cultures. But the cultural gap just throws a big wrench into things and makes it more difficult, at least to me it does. In a perfectly traditional family, I wouldn't even have a right to disagree with her.
Recommended Posts