terrific Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I just am wondering, I have read several posts and am trying to figure out if the addictive or longing feeling works both way. Is the man, single or married, as addicted to the woman, single or married. More women have posted so their feelings are apparent, but the men, I am not so sure, and do the single people just quickly forget and move on? It would seem to me that if that is the case, that one or both would have a difficult time moving on, even with no contact. Although the spouses would have their spouses to focus on, that draw would be there. Even for the single people who try to quickly get into a new relationship, I can't believe that the feelings of longing for the partner go away so easily. Part of me wonders if the no contact almost makes the attraction stronger, even if you are with someone else. So this makes me wonder, are the men as likely to break the no contact as the women? I am not sure a single woman could bury her hurt so quickly in a new relationship, but a single man? Does the no contact make it more challenging to focus on the spouse because of the desire to make contact with the AP? Just thoughts.
ladydesigner Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I think the addictive feeling does work both ways. I was a MOW so I had a spouse to focus on post A, but it didn't make things easier at all. We had our M to recover and that has not been an easy process. My XOM ended with me as he continued with his girlfriend of 5 years. He still contacted me though wanted to remain friends. I thought I could do the friends gig but could not so after a year of being LC I went NC. At first NC seemed to make the attraction stronger, but that faded. NC helped me to see the A in the light it was meant to be seen in and for who my XOM really was. It helped me focus on my healing and eventually move on. I think A's are highly addictive if not obsessive for both people. They IMO are toxic.
Mombot Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I did notice that when I went NC for a week, he contacted me more than 10 times a day.
siuys Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I definitely think it works both way. My MM and I went NC but he contacted me after two days, and then again after another three days. And then I caved. So we are back together. I think if an A is really to end, one person must be the strong one to maintain NC even though he or she may not want to. I do agree the longing will eventually go away, replaced by renewed optimism and the fact that you are further away from a painful situation. A's are highly toxic. I'm in the middle of one. I am single, and he is MM. He has two kids, and I have no children. I think if this relationship ends, it is looking likely (at this point in time) that I will end it, and be the strong one to stop all contact. I guess every one is different. some just move on faster and hold on less to the 'what could have been'. I think I move on quick once I have made a DEFINITE decision. I thought I did just a few days ago (well, he dumped me then came back), but if i were to end it now, it would be because he is not serious enough to take certain actions. I think when you end an A or R, you need to mourn, let go, cry your eyes out, feel the pain and then repeat cycle. The pain will lessen as the weeks go by. Jumping into another relationship will not help in the long run (i have tried that before) as you have not healed and processed what happened in the relationship. Bottom line, I think As are so toxic it is almost insane that all of us on this forum are doing it. Easy to say, hard to resist sometimes I suppose...
Confused4Now Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I definitely think it works both way. My MM and I went NC but he contacted me after two days, and then again after another three days. And then I caved. So we are back together. I think if an A is really to end, one person must be the strong one to maintain NC even though he or she may not want to. I do agree the longing will eventually go away, replaced by renewed optimism and the fact that you are further away from a painful situation. A's are highly toxic. I'm in the middle of one. I am single, and he is MM. He has two kids, and I have no children. I think if this relationship ends, it is looking likely (at this point in time) that I will end it, and be the strong one to stop all contact. I guess every one is different. some just move on faster and hold on less to the 'what could have been'. I think I move on quick once I have made a DEFINITE decision. I thought I did just a few days ago (well, he dumped me then came back), but if i were to end it now, it would be because he is not serious enough to take certain actions. I think when you end an A or R, you need to mourn, let go, cry your eyes out, feel the pain and then repeat cycle. The pain will lessen as the weeks go by. Jumping into another relationship will not help in the long run (i have tried that before) as you have not healed and processed what happened in the relationship. Bottom line, I think As are so toxic it is almost insane that all of us on this forum are doing it. Easy to say, hard to resist sometimes I suppose...Not so much toxic cause not all affairs end bad when two people are on the same page through out. However when one is not following through and doing what they say....then things change to a very toxic situation. I lived it so recognize it and embrace it and then move on......it is what it is....
pureinheart Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I think the addictive feeling does work both ways. I was a MOW so I had a spouse to focus on post A, but it didn't make things easier at all. We had our M to recover and that has not been an easy process. My XOM ended with me as he continued with his girlfriend of 5 years. He still contacted me though wanted to remain friends. I thought I could do the friends gig but could not so after a year of being LC I went NC. At first NC seemed to make the attraction stronger, but that faded. NC helped me to see the A in the light it was meant to be seen in and for who my XOM really was. It helped me focus on my healing and eventually move on. I think A's are highly addictive if not obsessive for both people. They IMO are toxic. IMO it can make things harder because there is a front that the MP has to put on for the other. A single party at least has enough alone time to work through a lot of the hurt and heartache. LD, you have done really well, and I am so happy for you:D!
TOWinNYC Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I just am wondering, I have read several posts and am trying to figure out if the addictive or longing feeling works both way. Is the man, single or married, as addicted to the woman, single or married. More women have posted so their feelings are apparent, but the men, I am not so sure, and do the single people just quickly forget and move on? It would seem to me that if that is the case, that one or both would have a difficult time moving on, even with no contact. Although the spouses would have their spouses to focus on, that draw would be there. Even for the single people who try to quickly get into a new relationship, I can't believe that the feelings of longing for the partner go away so easily. Part of me wonders if the no contact almost makes the attraction stronger, even if you are with someone else. So this makes me wonder, are the men as likely to break the no contact as the women? I am not sure a single woman could bury her hurt so quickly in a new relationship, but a single man? Does the no contact make it more challenging to focus on the spouse because of the desire to make contact with the AP? Just thoughts. Terrific- I can only offer what I have personally been thru. In my case NC has ALWAYS (100% of the time) been initiated by me and broken by him. I’m incredibly stubborn and have been able to ignore phone calls, text messages and emails. So in my experience, men are MORE LIKELY to break NC. And I agree with PureInH - the "putting on a front" factor makes things harder for the MP. When you're single, you can fall apart when you want without anybody around. Plus chances are some of your friends will know the story (or parts of it) and will rally around you while you're mending. The MP has no such luxury.
White Flower Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I just am wondering, I have read several posts and am trying to figure out if the addictive or longing feeling works both way. Is the man, single or married, as addicted to the woman, single or married. More women have posted so their feelings are apparent, but the men, I am not so sure, and do the single people just quickly forget and move on? It would seem to me that if that is the case, that one or both would have a difficult time moving on, even with no contact. Although the spouses would have their spouses to focus on, that draw would be there. Even for the single people who try to quickly get into a new relationship, I can't believe that the feelings of longing for the partner go away so easily. Part of me wonders if the no contact almost makes the attraction stronger, even if you are with someone else. So this makes me wonder, are the men as likely to break the no contact as the women? I am not sure a single woman could bury her hurt so quickly in a new relationship, but a single man? Does the no contact make it more challenging to focus on the spouse because of the desire to make contact with the AP? Just thoughts. Yes, it appears that men break NC more often than women. And I think it is usually the MP who breaks it more often as well. Men tend to be needy and women tend to have their pride. Not true in all cases, but most.
pureinheart Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Yes, it appears that men break NC more often than women. And I think it is usually the MP who breaks it more often as well. Men tend to be needy and women tend to have their pride. Not true in all cases, but most. Yep...they say men can "tune out", although the women I know can do that much better....
ladydesigner Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 IMO it can make things harder because there is a front that the MP has to put on for the other. A single party at least has enough alone time to work through a lot of the hurt and heartache. LD, you have done really well, and I am so happy for you:D! Thank You PIH it has not been an easy road, but I finally feel like I can breathe and be happy. Yes being the MP was quite difficult. I had to cry in the shower and other places where my H would not see me mourn. I think that by internalizing all my grief, it prolonged my healing. And I agree with PureInH - the "putting on a front" factor makes things harder for the MP. Yes definitely!
Confused4Now Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Yes, it appears that men break NC more often than women. And I think it is usually the MP who breaks it more often as well. Men tend to be needy and women tend to have their pride. Not true in all cases, but most.Well I was xMM now xOM...but I can assure you its always me initiating the NC and its her always breaking it. But I agree with you that the MP who breaks NC more often. Which is why I've been working on having a authentic emotional self. So I wouldn't be needy anymore.
White Flower Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 Well I was xMM now xOM...but I can assure you its always me initiating the NC and its her always breaking it. But I agree with you that the MP who breaks NC more often. Which is why I've been working on having a authentic emotional self. So I wouldn't be needy anymore. That is pretty cool Confused(no more). Oh, and that's why I added that the MP usually breaks NC...they have more to gain breaking NC than the OP.
Author terrific Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Well, I am married, he is single, we are in our 40's. I feel like I have been through hell and back and it will be a cold day before I call him. No D-Day and no contact for almost 4 weeks. If he wants to talk he knows where to find me and I am hoping that if he does, that I am completely over him and won't even care by then.
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