Capris Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Long story short: He has a HUGE past of lots of women and cheating. Now at the age of 35 he says he is tired of those things and wants his peace especially with me. He says he loves me and it is true. He is a flirtious guy though and i told him that ,with his past, flirting makes me uncomfortable. I dont want to forbid it though because it is part of him. I know most of the flirting is harmeless, if it werent for his past it wouldnt bother me at all. We have talked about this many many times, i always apologise of bringing him in this position of doubt, and he says "i dont mind, ask me as many times you want, i just want you to understand" He never gets mad about it, which is good?(?) I just cant get over thinking he will cheat on me, or has, or is. I did have a cheating father which i was totally ok with cause of his marriage with my mom(not marriage from love, even longer story) I want to believe he has changed and truth is, it does seem like he has changed, friends tell him alot. But sometimes i think he wants to go back cause his new "life" is making him sad. Ofcourse he does suffer of depression, but you know how jealousy goes, i always think that everything is around his cheating.. How to overcome this? and do men really mature at some point? specially those who have done practically everything?
cookie2 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 flirting makes me uncomfortable. I dont want to forbid it though Yes you do. I know most of the flirting is harmeless No it's not. If he is doing something that he knows makes you uncomfortable then it is not harmless. He should respect your wishes. He never gets mad about it, which is good?(?) No, it's not good, it is passive-aggressive. If he is angry or annoyed by your constantly bringing up the same things, he should say so. By bottling it all up, he will one day explode. and do men really mature at some point? specially those who have done practically everything? Might come as a surprise, but all men are different... It's possible he has changed and is telling you the truth. It's also possible he's not changed. But from the way he is acting, even if he has changed, he is being disrespectful. If you allow him to get away with it, it will develop over time. You need to set the boundaries of the relationship, let him know what is acceptable and what is not. Hurting your feelings is not.
goodgrief Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 OK, different perspective, all together... This is going to sound as if it's from the opposite end of the bar, so you're just going to have to weigh things up a bit.... He has a HUGE past of lots of women and cheating. Now at the age of 35 he says he is tired of those things and wants his peace especially with me. He says he loves me and it is true. So up to this point, you're confident he's sincere. He is a flirtious guy though and i told him that ,with his past, flirting makes me uncomfortable. Right. He's just a natural flirt, and this is how he often interacts with women. But it makes you uncomfortable. So, whose problem, is it, really? I dont want to forbid it though because it is part of him. Confirmed.... I know most of the flirting is harmeless, if it werent for his past it wouldnt bother me at all. So you're judging him by a past that no longer exists, and bringing it into the present as a real and present danger? This is often referred to as 'sabotage'.... We have talked about this many many times, i always apologise of bringing him in this position of doubt, and he says "i dont mind, ask me as many times you want, i just want you to understand" He never gets mad about it, which is good?(?) Damn right it's good. I don't get any inherent message here that he is either passive-aggressive, or bottling up and will one day explode. I get that because he loves you, he will always want to talk and listen to you, to reassure you that no matter what he does, his intentions are honourable. isn't this what you meant? Do you think he's passive-aggressive? I just cant get over thinking he will cheat on me, or has, or is. I did have a cheating father which i was totally ok with cause of his marriage with my mom(not marriage from love, even longer story) It doesn't matter. You were witness to cheating, and you're projecting your fears of infidelity and mistrust onto him. This is understandable. But own it. This fear is not generated by him, it was already there. I want to believe he has changed and truth is, it does seem like he has changed, friends tell him alot. So if he seems to have changed, and his friends tell him he's changed....don't you think perhaps - Yeah, he HAS changed? or is everyone imagining things? But sometimes i think he wants to go back cause his new "life" is making him sad. Again, you're projecting your own opinion on what you believe is making him sad. This is your opinion, not his fact....Has he said as much? Does he ever openly admit "God, I wish I was a free agent again, I'd just love to bosh every woman I meet!" or is this you, thinking he thinks this? Ofcourse he does suffer of depression, Sorry... I don't get the 'of course'.... why 'of course'....What's the background? but you know how jealousy goes, i always think that everything is around his cheating.. So not only insecure, but jealous too. You see how your own emotional viewpoint is tarnishing this picture? This is your impression. You both need counselling, together, to be able to air all this, get it in the open, and if necessary, get treatment for his depression, unless he already has that being looked after.... How to overcome this? and do men really mature at some point? No. specially those who have done practically everything? is this another one of your insecurities? "He's lived a full life, and what have I done? How could he settle for me, then?" I could be completely wrong on this point.....
Author Capris Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Yes you do. (...)No it's not. If he is doing something that he knows makes you uncomfortable then it is not harmless. He should respect your wishes. Well getting anoyyed of someone's past is far from trying to change him completly. You cannot change a person because you want to. He has to want it too. And for him to come to that point (if he'll ever) does take time. No, it's not good, it is passive-aggressive. If he is angry or annoyed by your constantly bringing up the same things, he should say so. By bottling it all up, he will one day explode. So you are saying he should be anoyyed and angry? cause i never said he is bottleing it all up. I said he never gets mad. He got mad a couple of times when i accused him of cheating, not when we have normal conversation about the subject. Might come as a surprise, but all men are different... It's possible he has changed and is telling you the truth. It's also possible he's not changed. But from the way he is acting, even if he has changed, he is being disrespectful. If you allow him to get away with it, it will develop over time. You need to set the boundaries of the relationship, let him know what is acceptable and what is not. Hurting your feelings is not. No, of course im not suprised, all humans are different. But statistacally speaking i will rephrase: do men with event-full pasts really changed when they say so? Do men really get over the "i wanna f*** everything" phase and settle down? I have seen other men ,which i have no sexual relationship with, claim the same. Now as for the disrespectful part, you do have a point. I have been way too OK about this all, even he says so... I do need to set some boundaries but i have to find a way that will please me too. People are not dogs, and i dont like treating them so.On the other hand some times people like it when you put a harness on, its just not my style.
goodgrief Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Dogs (Going wildly off-topic) are to my mind, far nice and better behaved than people, in my opinion. Treating people like dogs would be a compliment to them. If people acted more like dogs, there'd be more affection and selfless loyalty.....
Author Capris Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 First off, i loved your answer. Right. He's just a natural flirt, and this is how he often interacts with women. But it makes you uncomfortable. So, whose problem, is it, really? yup. That's why im asking how to overcome this Damn right it's good. I don't get any inherent message here that he is either passive-aggressive, or bottling up and will one day explode. I get that because he loves you, he will always want to talk and listen to you, to reassure you that no matter what he does, his intentions are honourable. isn't this what you meant? Do you think he's passive-aggressive? I believe it is good too. No he is not passive agressive, any bad vibes i get is cause of me as you said. It doesn't matter. You were witness to cheating, and you're projecting your fears of infidelity and mistrust onto him. This is understandable. But own it. This fear is not generated by him, it was already there. True, although bf was a cheat too. . So if he seems to have changed, and his friends tell him he's changed....don't you think perhaps - Yeah, he HAS changed? or is everyone imagining things? Yes i am crazy like that Again, you're projecting your own opinion on what you believe is making him sad. This is your opinion, not his fact....Has he said as much? Does he ever openly admit "God, I wish I was a free agent again, I'd just love to bosh every woman I meet!" or is this you, thinking he thinks this? He once mentioned he misses the "doing something out of law" feeling but said he fufills that with other things now. (yes i know the things, no they have nothing to do with women, they are actual funny, kinda like "oh i threw my trash in the ground and ran") Sorry... I don't get the 'of course'.... why 'of course'....What's the background? The "of course" was mostly a wrong use of the word. Well he does have issues and true, nothing to do with me or cheating. So not only insecure, but jealous too. You see how your own emotional viewpoint is tarnishing this picture? This is your impression. You both need counselling, together, to be able to air all this, get it in the open, and if necessary, get treatment for his depression, unless he already has that being looked after.... Well in these cases insecurity=jealousy, yes i see i am ruining it for him and me too. I just want it (me..) to stop! No. So true I love men for not being able to mature but not when it comes to cheating.. is this another one of your insecurities? "He's lived a full life, and what have I done? How could he settle for me, then?" I could be completely wrong on this point..... No i have no regrets about my "poor" past. Everything i did was my choice and i feel good about them. I have no insecurities about my looks or sexual ...whats the word? capabilities. I just have trouble trusting men in general i suppose. You hit the spot, it IS all about me. I think im a great person, its just that most people in our times dont go for good people, we always get spit out in the end...God i have issues Thanks for your reply, it was really nice
YellowShark Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Long story short: He has a HUGE past of lots of women and cheating. Now at the age of 35 he says he is tired of those things and wants his peace especially with me. He says he loves me and it is true. The question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to give this person your heart and be vulnerable to him. Because when the "honeymoon period" of your relationship ends - (and it will!) - will he go back to his old ways and cheat on you too? That is the question you need to ask yourself. Are you ready for that possibility?
Ilovecake Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Now as for the disrespectful part, you do have a point. I have been way too OK about this all, even he says so... I do need to set some boundaries but i have to find a way that will please me too. People are not dogs, and i dont like treating them so.On the other hand some times people like it when you put a harness on, its just not my style. How is setting healthy relationship boundaries treating people like dogs? I'll tell you what I see as the biggest problem and the most detrimental to your relationship is your insecurity and lack of self esteem. You talk about apologizing to the guy even though you did nothing wrong, you let him do things that are hurtful to you. If you keep acting like a door mat you will be treated like one and he'll end up cheating because he will never have to pay the consequences with you.
NYCmitch25 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Long story short: He has a HUGE past of lots of women and cheating. Now at the age of 35 he says he is tired of those things and wants his peace especially with me. He says he loves me and it is true. He is a flirtious guy though and i told him that ,with his past, flirting makes me uncomfortable. I dont want to forbid it though because it is part of him. I know most of the flirting is harmeless, if it werent for his past it wouldnt bother me at all. We have talked about this many many times, i always apologise of bringing him in this position of doubt, and he says "i dont mind, ask me as many times you want, i just want you to understand" He never gets mad about it, which is good?(?) I just cant get over thinking he will cheat on me, or has, or is. I did have a cheating father which i was totally ok with cause of his marriage with my mom(not marriage from love, even longer story) I want to believe he has changed and truth is, it does seem like he has changed, friends tell him alot. But sometimes i think he wants to go back cause his new "life" is making him sad. Ofcourse he does suffer of depression, but you know how jealousy goes, i always think that everything is around his cheating.. How to overcome this? and do men really mature at some point? specially those who have done practically everything? Sure, most men mature at some age .... Though what you are essentially asking us is if that the age is about 35. There are things about what you've said about him which seem to be a problem, that it's not just a young guy getting "young guy stuff" out of his system. Honestly, though words are just words, I think he WANTS to change his life but I don't think he knows why he cheats and abuses people, there is something underlining in him that drives him to make his life miserable. Another thing, you have a tremendous amount of doubt about this guy's fidelity, I don't know you, so I can't judge how rational or real that is but it certainly doesn't seem good. I'd say you are taking a real risk with this guy, He probably needs some kind of talk therapy to get through this, but with the stigma attached and cost, I doubt he will ever do that. My advice to you, unless you really really love him, let him find somebody else to abuse.. PS> I'm making a lot of assumptions here, chiefly that you are a stable person. It could turn out that you are highly insecure but only you can judge that.. or perhaps some combination of the two.. Anyway, good luck with things, I'd love to hear other peoples thoughts .. .
Clep Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) Long story short: He is a flirtious guy though and i told him that ,with his past, flirting makes me uncomfortable. I dont want to forbid it though because it is part of him. I know most of the flirting is harmeless, if it werent for his past it wouldnt bother me at all. We have talked about this many many times, i always apologise of bringing him in this position of doubt, and he says "i dont mind, ask me as many times you want, i just want you to understand" He never gets mad about it, which is good?(?) I Is he flirtatious now? I am understanding that he is and will continue to be in a relationship with you. I do not for one second believe that being flirtatious is a part of anyone. I have an ex that is very flirtatious, and I used to hear him say it's just a part of him so I had to accept it. I didn't and left. He was flirtatious with his ex's too. I am the only person he is not flirtatious with now as I won't stand for that while in a relationship. He suddenly isn't that person anymore, but just with me even when I wasn't in a relationship. So much for it being a part of him. Why you would be apologizing is beyond me. He is the one that is putting himself in the position of being doubted here. And he is so understanding about you questioning him and strives to just have you understand his innapropriate behavior. If he truly feels the need to lead a different life, his actions need to reflect that. For his actions to reflect that, his thinking needs to have changed. Anyone who is flirtatious ought not be in a relationship. Flirting is for single people imo. Well not really I guess, because I flirt all the time.....it's just with my SO is all. Edited August 20, 2010 by Clep To add last line.
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