Do I stay in an empty marriage?

[Pemimpi]

About me: Female, Married 16+ years, two sons, ages 14 and 15.

 

I married very young to someone I did not know well because we shared the same desire to do social work overseas. I was regretting it soon after we married, but became pregnant with our first son within 6 months and had another son a year later (was using contraception with both pregnancies, amazingly....and yes, I know how to use contraception, but it happened anyway).

 

We have both been unfulfilled for most of the marriage. We don't make each other laugh. We have different 'every day interests'. He likes the fact that I'm attractive and is sexually attracted to me. He is like the parent in the relationship and He's never really "liked" or approved of me.

He is very fit and would be considered attractive to many women, but I'm not sexually attracted to him whatsoever.

 

We are also Christians and so there is the weight of "letting down" those around us and becoming yet another divorce statistic. I also hate the idea of passing down a legacy of divorce to my sons and future grandchildren.

 

Despite our inner misery, our home life is peaceful. We don't have strife, just emptiness. I am just so unfulfilled. I once resolved to living in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. But I have been struggling with depression for 6 years now.

 

I'm in my late 30's now. Do I stay in it forever? Until the boys leave home? Or now?

Edited August 18, 2010 by Pemimpi

[goodgrief]

I'm in my late 30's now. Do I stay in it forever?

God, no!

 

Until the boys leave home?

...nope...

 

Or now?

Yep.

 

If you have known since the word 'go' that this was a mistake, and you're suffering from depression, what makes you think that staying any longer is going to somehow make any improvements?

 

You won't be passing down a legacy of anything.

What you're doing now is passing down a legacy of hypocrisy, futile self-sacrifice and the sham of staying in a marriage where you are patently unhappy. How is that better than the alternative?

better a happy divorced parent than a miserable, depressive married one.... Christian or not.

Many failed marriages are between god-loving, god-fearing people. It's nothing to do with Christianity, it has everything to do with humanity. And you're not happy. You haven't been for years, and you never will be.

Still feel like sticking it out?

[witabix]

About me: Female, Married 16+ years, two sons, ages 14 and 15.

 

I married very young to someone I did not know well because we shared the same desire to do social work overseas. I was regretting it soon after we married, but became pregnant with our first son within 6 months and had another son a year later (was using contraception with both pregnancies, amazingly....and yes, I know how to use contraception, but it happened anyway).

 

We have both been unfulfilled for most of the marriage. We don't make each other laugh. We have different 'every day interests'. He likes the fact that I'm attractive and is sexually attracted to me. He is like the parent in the relationship and He's never really "liked" or approved of me.

He is very fit and would be considered attractive to many women, but I'm not sexually attracted to him whatsoever.

 

We are also Christians and so there is the weight of "letting down" those around us and becoming yet another divorce statistic. I also hate the idea of passing down a legacy of divorce to my sons and future grandchildren.

 

Despite our inner misery, our home life is peaceful. We don't have strife, just emptiness. I am just so unfulfilled. I once resolved to living in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. But I have been struggling with depression for 6 years now.

 

I'm in my late 30's now. Do I stay in it forever? Until the boys leave home? Or now?

 

That sounds awfully grey. All I can offer is this.

 

You cannot let the aspirations others ("letting down") rule your existence. I think this also applies to your Christian beliefs. I in no way wish to dismiss them or attack them. There is simply a point in time when the pull of one influence comes into conflict with pull of another influence. You must resolve this conflict, to do this you have to decide which is the more fulfilling option.

 

Would adherence to your family and Christian ideals leave you, in say twenty years, feeling happy. Conversely could you deal with the guilt you may feel in breaking up a family dynamic.

 

It is a hard question, and one that only time can answer. You have a choice to make now. It is not a simple binary decision either.

 

You can stay and leave it all as it is, you can go and make a new life, you can stay and try to get counselling. What counselling can do for what you describe as your R is a big question in my mind.

 

You appear to have reached a crossroads in your life. Perhaps you can turn to your God to help find your answers, are you very religious? A period of contemplation and self discovery, in whatever way you find works, may be helpful.

 

Remember that in a situation where you are faced with a set of choices you must be prepared to take the consequences of your actions. Also remember that doing nothing is also a choice.

[dgiirl]

Does your husband know how you feel? Does he truly get how you feel? You might have been telling him you are unhappy, but sometimes the other spouse doesn't quite grasp the severity of the problem. ie does he get that divorce is just around the corner?

 

Have you guys gone to counseling?

 

Are you being completely honest with yourself when you say you regretted getting married right from the beginning? Sometimes when we are upset about something, we focus so much on that one negative that we fail to see all the positives. I, no doubt, believe you when you say you have been unhappy for a long time. But I question if you have done any rewriting of history which is so common when all you focus on is the negative of the relationship. Is there anything positive in your relationship that can be worked on to make your marriage a happy one? In a perfect world, how would your life be with your husband?

[habs53]

There will be a few on here that think separation and divorce is ok. Maybe because they did it themselves. Marriage is not easy and many regret divorce after they have done it and find its to late to go back.

Anyways, i hope you make the right decision for your family and yourself. I also believe its not your husband that makes you unhappy, its yourself.

[What_Next]

Talk to your husband and make sure he understands what you are saying.

 

Your belief system is your own, only you can speak to that, but from my perspective that is no reason to stay in a marriage.

 

What about marriage counselling?

 

At least you have decided to contemplate this before an affair happened. If you stay like this, it will happen, I can almost guarantee it.

 

Communication will the key to either solving your problems or finding a way out of the marriage that doesn't pull you both apart.

[You Go Girl]

We have both been unfulfilled for most of the marriage. We don't make each other laugh. We have different 'every day interests'. He likes the fact that I'm attractive and is sexually attracted to me. He is like the parent in the relationship and He's never really "liked" or approved of me.

He is very fit and would be considered attractive to many women, but I'm not sexually attracted to him whatsoever.

 

 

Did you ask him if he was unfilfilled, or are you assuming that? Did he state he was?

You don't make each other laugh...ever? Once a day? Once a week? How absolute is this claim?

Different interests--hobbies you mean? So what! Married people aren't attached at the hip, and having all the same interests also would probably be smothering. So what are you really saying here? For instance, my exH loved golf, I didn't want to ever golf. It was just fine that he went and golfed sometimes and I wasn't there. I had other hobbies he wasn't interested in. I would never call different hobbies dealbreakers.

He is the parent in the relationship and has never approved of you...now this has to be examined deeply. You are onto something here--a major issue that needs to be looked at. Tell us more about this part of the problem! How does he act like the parent? Are you irresponsible? Or is he egotistical? Do you act like the child? Or does he manipulate you so?

Attraction--he finds you sexually attractive, you don't find him so. Well this is typical of a a wife that is unhappy, and a man that doesn't even know his wife is unhappy. Are you sure he even knows? Or is he a horndog that will go for the sex and doesn't care if the connection is missing?

You are depressed for 6 years--I have to agree with Habs that you need to examine just how much of that depression belongs to your marriage, and how much belongs to you all by yourself. It takes some hard thinking to answer that.

Tough questions, but you are thinking of making a serious tough decision. So they should be answered.

[hopesndreams]

Good advice and insight.

 

Only a couple things left to examine. Drum roll.

 

Do you have attraction for someone other than your H? Are there any clues or signs that your H is attracted to someone else?

 

But I have been struggling with depression for 6 years now.

 

Have you seen a doctor about this?

[Cedarman]

I'm working on my own problems - so don't know if I'm in a position to offer solid, proven advice. But I will say this - you have to be honest with your husband and share your feelings. If you don't then they'll just fester and get worse. From my own experience - kids were the real change - we both love our kids, but it changed the way my wife and I interacted. My wife was very unhappy and rather than share her feelings with me - we both drifted apart with bad results for our marriage. We're working on re-connecting, but it would have been far better to work on this years ago, when the feelings of detachment first started and before my wife started to feel that living separate lives is better than living as a couple. But it's never too late to try. Things will not improve unless you give yourselves a chance - and this chance will only happen if you talk with each other. Worst case - you both realize that there is no hope to reconcile - in which case, you're no worse off then you feel right now.

[Pemimpi]

Thank you for all of your replies. I'd like to answer some of your questions and give you a better idea of where I'm coming from. I was trying to be economical with my words in the first post for the reader's sake. Of course things are always very complex, more than can be written often times.

As far as my faith, I am not a religious person, in terms of being legalistic. I do believe that divorce is wrong and harmful to all members affected. This is why I am so conflicted. It's hard when your reality isn't congruent with your values. I don't believe I am passing down a legacy of hypocrisy. I am very real and transparent about my marriage issues with those I know. I don't pretend to have this wonderful marriage. I think my transparency encourages others that also struggle. More than "letting people down," I am concerned about the example or precedent I am setting. My H is in a position of leadership, and people do look to us. So I hope you can understand that it is my genuine concern for those around me, not my image, that makes this so difficult.

 

 

To answer some other questions. Yes, we have been to marriage counseling. This was about 10 years ago. I remember my H telling me that if the counseling didn't "fix" me, then he would be spending more time away. The counseling actually revealed that he had more "baggage" and hang-ups than I did. According to the therapist, I was fairly "well-adjusted."

When I speak about us not having things in common, I am not talking about hobbies, though it probably sounded like it in my post. I was referring to how we are just so different in our everyday approach to life. My H actually has no hobbies. He works and just spends time at home. He also doesn't really have a lot of friends. He's what I would call a "stick in the mud." I have always been outgoing with many friends and many interests (at least until I started depressing, now I'm like him). There's just no enchantment in this relationship, and there never has been. I think I was initially attracted to how highly disciplined and stable he was, and I do appreciate that, but being in this marriage makes me feel like my soul has been stolen, if you can understand what I mean.

 

 

I have been to see a doctor about the depression. She initially wanted to prescribe medication to me, but after researching it, I decided to try some other natural remedies, like committing to an exercise routine with a trainer. The fact that I was paying someone forced me to get out and do it, even though I didn't really want to be around anyone. Since I had children, I have been about 10- 15 pounds over-weight, and antidepressants are known to cause weight gain so that's another reason I don't want to take them. My H always nagged me about my weight so there are some hurt feelings in this area as well.

 

 

And yes, he is fully aware of how I feel. I told him about a year and a half ago that I was not sure how long I could stay in the marriage. He has tried to be more loving and accepting of me since then, but I feel like I checked out of this marriage a long time ago. I don't know. It just seemed like something snapped, and I can't seem to find my way back to even try to find love with this man.

[Steadfast]

Read this again:

 

 

There will be a few on here that think separation and divorce is ok. Maybe because they did it themselves. Marriage is not easy and many regret divorce after they have done it and find its to late to go back.

Anyways, i hope you make the right decision for your family and yourself. I also believe its not your husband that makes you unhappy, its yourself.

 

 

 

He has tried to be more loving and accepting of me since then, but I feel like I checked out of this marriage a long time ago. I don't know. It just seemed like something snapped, and I can't seem to find my way back to even try to find love with this man.

 

 

I get a strong sense that deep down you are very angry and bitter, and the focus of this anger is your husband, but it isn't your husband's job to make you happy. The lack of sexual attraction is a killer. I'm not sure what, if anything can be done about that, but I'm positive it's impossible to be attracted to someone to whom you harbor bitterness. My prediction? He's going to pay, and pay dearly for being a 'stick in the mud'. Your hammer is raised...all that's left to do is bring it down. What can anyone possibly say to change your mind? I don't believe you have that desire.

[denise_xo]

Hi Pemimpi,

 

First, I want to say that you sound pretty genuine in your posts and I don't think you sound particularly angry or bitter, even when I read 'between the lines'. I also get the feeling that you are trying to think these issues through in a level headed way.

 

I think you need to keep working this through on two levels: your normative views on divorce, and your relationship with your H.

 

On this forum, you'll find people who find divorce unacceptable under almost any circumstances, to people who leave relationships 'easily'. You need to figure out your own position on that. In terms of setting a precedent, I don't think staying in a dysfunctional marriage is a good example for your children, either. Children are perceptive and pick up on dynamics at home very easily. My parents divorced when I was a child, and I think they made the right choice. Their relationship wasn't a good role model for me. One of my parents subsequently remarried and that relationship taught me much more about how to be a good and loving spouse than my parents' marriage did.

 

About becoming a divorce statistic: well, the thing is that they don't do stats on miserable marriages, but that's a potential statistic, too. I have lived several years in countries where divorce is socially unacceptable. You look at the divorce stats, and it looks great, and it can easily be translated into statements like 'here people have strong values and know what commitment means', and so on, and to a certain extent there is truth to that. But if you look at what actually goes on in a lot of those homes, you also find a lot of miserable men and women, and a lot of people who would have exited if it was socially and/or financially possible.

 

From what you are describing, the two of you do not have a mutual physical attraction, you do not have a mutual emotional connection, and you also don't share a lot of activities through which you can strengthen what you have together. IMO, that's a pretty bleak picture. The key questions then are

a) if you both worked really hard on it, re-engaged in MC etc., would it change the situation?

b) are both of you willing and have genuine interest in putting in that effort (because it's going to be a long and hard journey)?

 

If the answer to those questions is 'no', then your next question is whether you then stay in the marriage on the basis that divorce is wrong, that it will cause pain, and that you don't want to upset the local community.

 

You say a lot of people look up to you as a role model in the community; the question to me then becomes: is the image that they are looking at real? Do you want to stay in your marriage to maintain their (not quite realistic) image of you and your H?

 

It IS hard when reality isn't congruent with your values, as you say. Unfortunately, that's a core element of what it means to be human. But it's true what others here have said that ultimately you find your happiness within yourself and through your own choices. Good luck.

[keane2010]

As a Christian who is also going through a similar thought process, I though I'd chime in.

 

For me, I never once questioned the belief that divorce was unacceptable except in cases of infidelity or abandonment until recently. Any couseling I attended in the last 15 years had to be alone, because she would only attend under pastoral counselors who refused to accept that her depression was an illness.

 

So, I was sitting at the Mayo clinic, alone, with a diagnosis of possible ALS. I picked up a copy of ChristiantyToday, where an author explained how too many people mis-interpret the verses on divorce. He said that Jesus was arguing against the prevailing belief of divorce for any cause, telling people that you can't just divorce a wife because she burnt dinner (I'm very loosely paraphrasing). But you can't forget the central purpose of marriage - meeting each others emotional needs. Not sure why, but the nerve damage stopped and I completely healed.

 

In my case, I've analyzed our marriage, trying to break down my issues into specific unmet needs. Then, I asked myself if its me, us, or her. If I was meeting her needs consistently, would the issue still exist? If we divorce, and I married again, would I just find myself here again?

 

She agreed with this process also, but finally told me that she is not capable of meeting these needs (it is nearly impossible for her to compliment, encourage, or laugh with family members). When I told her that divorce is now on the table, she has now begun to try.

[2ndthymearound]

It sounds to me like you are waiting on him to make you happy and make the marriage better. I was recently seperated and we are back together now and are doing very well. I am in my late 30s. I am on my second marriage and I jumped out of my first one waaaay too fast. We had problems for a while and I was too dumb to try to fix them.

 

When I was recently seperated I told myself one thing. I said that I was going to try my hardest to save my marriage and if it couldn't be saved then I knew in my heart that I had tried.

 

It sounds like you are not only in a rut in your marriage but also in your life. Do something different. Go someplace that you have never been before...something.

 

My dad and my stepmom were married for 20 years and they got divorced because they weren't happy. The funny thing is that they still aren't happy. My dad bought a motorcycle and my stepmom started dating a guy that owned a motorcycle. I've asked them both why they never rode motorcycles together. Neither of them knew.

 

My exhusband was a stick in the mud too, he never wanted to go anywhere. However, when he went out of town for training he was going and playing pool, singing at karoake bars, things that he NEVER did with me.

 

I feel like I am all over the place here but my bottom line is to not wait for him to make you happy. Your marriage is not your whole life, it's just a part of it.

[witabix]

I do believe that divorce is wrong and harmful to all members affected. This is why I am so conflicted. It's hard when your reality isn't congruent with your values.

 

It is a belief you need to examine carefully. Is it always harmful? Without exception. I do not believe so. You have two sons, they are in their teens, do you think that your marriage is a good example to them? It is a good example of sticking with it, weathering problems and such. Is it a good example of a loving caring relationship? Perhaps, and I only say perhaps, it is time to show them that sometimes it is necessary to walk away, to end something that is not fulfilling. To do this in a mature, responsible and caring fashion that takes into account other peoples feelings. I am not attacking your belief system, merely questioning it.

 

 

I don't believe I am passing down a legacy of hypocrisy. I am very real and transparent about my marriage issues with those I know. I don't pretend to have this wonderful marriage. I think my transparency encourages others that also struggle. More than "letting people down," I am concerned about the example or precedent I am setting. My H is in a position of leadership, and people do look to us. So I hope you can understand that it is my genuine concern for those around me, not my image, that makes this so difficult.

 

Yes, I understand what you are saying here, and it is a compassionate stance you have taken. I want to ask you where in the paragraph above do you fit in to the picture? Where are your needs being met in your own choices of behaviours? Your transparency is also a good thing. Is this beneficial to your sons? Do they ever talk to you about the situation between you and their Dad? Do you think they worry about the uncertainty of the situation? What are they learning from your current example? I hope they don't get the wrong end of the stick and think that they can behave towards their wives in the same fashion that their Dad has behaved towards you, because she will just stick it out regardless. Teach your sons that they need to love and respect their partners, that marriage is not a life sentence imposed on a woman.

 

 

I remember my H telling me that if the counseling didn't "fix" me, then he would be spending more time away.

 

Don't let your sons grow up thinking like this, please.

 

counseling actually revealed that he had more "baggage" and hang-ups than I did.he ................... My H actually has no hobbies. He works and just spends time at home. He also doesn't really have a lot of friends. He's what I would call a "stick in the mud." ........................................There's just no enchantment in this relationship, and there never has been.

 

These are examples of what I am talking about.

 

 

this marriage makes me feel like my soul has been stolen, if you can understand what I mean.

 

Yes I understand what you mean, this happens to men as well. I would never have wanted my Mother to feel like this. If my daughter were feeling like this I would be doing all I can to try and rescue her from it.

 

 

And yes, he is fully aware of how I feel. I told him about a year and a half ago that I was not sure how long I could stay in the marriage. He has tried to be more loving and accepting of me since then, but I feel like I checked out of this marriage a long time ago.

 

What has he done? Why did it not work for you?

 

I don't know. It just seemed like something snapped, and I can't seem to find my way back to even try to find love with this man.

 

This sounds like a fatal line. If you don't even want to try, really you must examine the belief system that holds you in such a position. You are trapped, not by the perceptions or beliefs of your H or you circle of family and friends. It is your own inability to re-examine the values of your beliefs in this area.

 

What about you?

 

What about your hopes and dreams?

 

What about believing that you deserve a chance to be happy and fulfilled?

[lovely81]

I just wanted to say that I was in a relationship and felt very sad. I ended up getting on antidepressants. My mood improved and I felt I was able to "handle" the relationship better. This basically meant that, although deep down I knew the relationship wasn't what I wanted, I accepted it for what it was, focused on the positives and muddled my way through. Much later when the relationship ended (not of my choosing), I decided to get off the antidepressants. I never missed them.

 

There were a couple of posts about the original poster looking for happiness from without and this being the source of her problems. So this is what I'm addressing.

 

I guess my point is, in hindsight, I kind of wish I had learned to deal with my life situation in ways that didn't involve demonizing myself as sick. Sometimes we choose things for the wrong reason. We stay in relationships because on paper, it seems like everything should be working. But the truth is, it's not. I wish someone had taught earlier it's okay to listen to your gut and walk away and that what you read in books and see in movies is often what everyone wished were true but isn't actually.