I have no idea how I've gotten here

[Woggle]

Do the decent thing and divorce him it is clear that this marriage is just a sham.

[sillytothink]

Thank you witabix and cozzy. Your posts were extremely comforting to me, they brought me to tears. When my aunt was originally told of the abuse and pushed it aside, I decided almost a year later at church camp to tell my camp counselor. She of course contacted protective services. My aunt told me I had to say I was lying for attention. She said if I did not do this, then my siblings and I would be separated among various foster homes, possibly never seeing each other again. They are the only things I have ever had in my life that is stable. So, I told protective services I was lying, they then forced me to attend counseling. I had to sit through six months with a counselor, having her ask me why I would make up such a lie. It was infuriating! I felt like not only was the wrong person being punished, but even worse, nothing would change. That is the only counseling I have ever attended. In college, my original major was child/family counseling before switching to education. I think I have always felt as though since I have some, and I use the word loosely, education in the matter, that I should be able to solve my own problems. Additionally, in an effort I’m sure to build me up in a rotten situation, I was commended by my family as being strong, and a leader for my siblings. I felt that if I admitted weakness by seeking counseling, who would I be without such strength? Being strong is part of my identity. When my mom passed away, I did not shed one tear at the funeral, because my sisters were completely inconsolable, and looked to me for strength. As I stated before, I am also considered to be just about the happiest person in the world, always a smile on my face. If for some reason, I ever come into work or visit my family having a bad day, everyone immediately gets over concerned thinking something is terribly wrong. I have come to feel un-allowed to have any feelings that are unlike a barbi robot, and yes, I am sure most of this is myself creating this pressure.

And yes, witabix, my husband is aware of the abuse. We still travel to their home. He says he has a hard time hating him because it’s almost as if it’s just one bad monster quality among a man who is otherwise giving and funny. My husband too, commends me on my strength, and ability to make an entire meal from scratch, bake a homemade cake, get four hours of sleep, wake up looking like a barbi, put a smile on my face, and be everything to everyone. Long story short, I feel like I would let EVERYONE down if I were to go to counseling, admitting I am human. An extremely damaged, angry one at that.

[GorillaTheater]

Long story short, I feel like I would let EVERYONE down if I were to go to counseling, admitting I am human. An extremely damaged, angry one at that.

 

You are at a critical crossroad in your life. You can continue to do what your doing and destroy your husband and life in the process. Or you can let go of your public face, seek help, and begin healing.

 

It's your choice.

[Thorgs]

You are at a critical crossroad in your life. You can continue to do what your doing and destroy your husband and life in the process. Or you can let go of your public face, seek help, and begin healing.

 

It's your choice.

I like this advice. I see too many co-workers (teacher) who have this kind of fake front and in my opinion, it makes them look worse than if they were themselves.

[witabix]

Thank you witabix and cozzy. Your posts were extremely comforting to me, they brought me to tears.

 

Tears are good, they will help quell some of the bad feelings for a while.

 

When my aunt was originally told of the abuse and pushed it aside, I decided almost a year later at church camp to tell my camp counselor. She of course contacted protective services. My aunt told me I had to say I was lying for attention. She said if I did not do this, then my siblings and I would be separated among various foster homes, possibly never seeing each other again. They are the only things I have ever had in my life that is stable.

 

A damaged child is refused succour. Forced to lie. More abuse, mental abuse.

 

So, I told protective services I was lying, they then forced me to attend counseling. I had to sit through six months with a counselor, having her ask me why I would make up such a lie. It was infuriating! I felt like not only was the wrong person being punished, but even worse, nothing would change. That is the only counseling I have ever attended.

 

This amounts to torture, it won't be the same now.

 

In college, my original major was child/family counseling before switching to education. I think I have always felt as though since I have some, and I use the word loosely, education in the matter, that I should be able to solve my own problems.

 

This is not simply a problem, its like asking someone to carry out brain surgery on themselves.

 

Additionally, in an effort I’m sure to build me up in a rotten situation, I was commended by my family as being strong, and a leader for my siblings. I felt that if I admitted weakness by seeking counseling, who would I be without such strength? Being strong is part of my identity.

 

You are strong, you have carried this weight for how long? It is time to put it down. It is not necessary to transfer this burden onto someone else to be rid of it. Put it down. You will need help to achieve this. That is where a good counselor comes in.

 

When my mom passed away, I did not shed one tear at the funeral, because my sisters were completely inconsolable, and looked to me for strength. As I stated before, I am also considered to be just about the happiest person in the world, always a smile on my face. If for some reason, I ever come into work or visit my family having a bad day, everyone immediately gets over concerned thinking something is terribly wrong. I have come to feel un-allowed to have any feelings that are unlike a barbi robot, and yes, I am sure most of this is myself creating this pressure.

 

The tower of strength, for everyone else, at nine years old. Then over the coming years you crumble from the inside and no one sees it, not even you. Then it all starts to tear at the seams and your behaviour becomes that of someone you don't even recognise. Hidden behaviours, negative, like a Jekyll and Hyde.

 

 

And yes, witabix, my husband is aware of the abuse. We still travel to their home. He says he has a hard time hating him because it’s almost as if it’s just one bad monster quality among a man who is otherwise giving and funny. My husband too, commends me on my strength, and ability to make an entire meal from scratch, bake a homemade cake, get four hours of sleep, wake up looking like a barbi, put a smile on my face, and be everything to everyone. Long story short, I feel like I would let EVERYONE down if I were to go to counseling, admitting I am human.

 

STT, the only one you are letting down is yourself, you cannot continue to operate under such immense internal strain. Your entire personality is in danger of dissolving if you don't admit you are human. You must step back from this precipice. It is your own will driving you headlong into this tornado. You have the strength, you have demonstrated to me in a few posts that you have the strength. No one will be let down if you admit that you are carrying a wieght that you can no longer bear.

 

 

An extremely damaged, angry one at that.

 

The damage that has been done to you is the reason you are in this position. You are trapped, between your totally legitimate feeling that no one is on your side and the need to be strong for your siblings. I hope they are grown up now. I know that they would understand why you need to seek assistance, if you have to tell them. Confidentiality is gauranteed in counseling, I am sure yur husband would understand. You don't have to have a screaming breakdown to need therapy.

 

You have to realise that being a perfect cookie baking, barbie lookalike that can fix a V8 and paint the house all at the same time, is an unrealistic goal. You are too bent on holding up an image of a perfect woman.

 

We are all human, with our human frailties and weaknesses. You have been treated unutterably badly, for far too long. You need to release the feelings, to lay down your burden, to reconcile yourself with yourself. You deserve this, not because you are perfect, because you are human. You need to clear the blockage caused by the monstrous actions perpetrated upon you when you were a defenceless child. At a time when someone should have been protecting you they were harming you, this was exacerbated by forcing you to lie for a prolonged period of time.

 

Stop visiting the man who did this. Seek out a counselor in your area that can help you deal with this. Start on the journey back to yourself.

 

LS's disclaimer is important to remember, this site is for information only. I am not in any way a counselor or professional in this area. I feel for your situation, it makes me sad and angry that yet again I come across a woman still suffering for the actions of another. If all I can do is get you pick up a phone and make a call that starts you on the road that will be enough. I wish I could do more.

 

Keep posting if you feel it helps, but take a real hard think about getting professional help.

[FryFish]

STT, the only one you are letting down is yourself

Um thats not even remotely true... STT you have let your HUSBAND down immensely by ****ing people other than him! Ya, you had a bad childhood, why would you make your husband pay for what other people did to you? Your behavior might be explainable... but its still inexcusable!

[witabix]

Just to clarify the quote you used FF, it was in relation to her feeling that she would be letting everyone down if she sought therapy.

 

I have intentionally not referred in anyway to her actions within her marriage.

[jnj express]

OK so you have revealed all the reasons why you do what you do

 

You still know right from wrong----so the question again becomes do you still intend to have sex and carry on with the BB Coach---or are you at least ready to try to fix your problems, and that fix does not include continual screwing, flirting, and associations with other men

 

If you can't stop your ugly behavior, knowing what you know, and admitting your problem, then you need to go to a clinic, and get your problems worked out there, where you cannot continue to harm your H., even tho he doesn't know it yet---By the way when DO YOU INTEND to tell your H. of your infidelities---It is the proper thing to do----let him decide his future----At this point you are cheating on him by Ommision

[Distant78]

OK so you have revealed all the reasons why you do what you do

 

You still know right from wrong----so the question again becomes do you still intend to have sex and carry on with the BB Coach---or are you at least ready to try to fix your problems, and that fix does not include continual screwing, flirting, and associations with other men

 

If you can't stop your ugly behavior, knowing what you know, and admitting your problem, then you need to go to a clinic, and get your problems worked out there, where you cannot continue to harm your H., even tho he doesn't know it yet---By the way when DO YOU INTEND to tell your H. of your infidelities---It is the proper thing to do----let him decide his future----At this point you are cheating on him by Ommision

 

Before HE finds out the truth also. You don't want him to find out by himself.

[InceptorsRule]

And yes, witabix, my husband is aware of the abuse. We still travel to their home. He says he has a hard time hating him because it’s almost as if it’s just one bad monster quality among a man who is otherwise giving and funny.

 

 

OK wait a second.

 

Your husband actually accepts what happened to you as not such a big deal?

 

 

OK now I understand why you've been cheating on your husband.

 

If what you're saying is actually true your h is a complete @hole.

[InceptorsRule]

You are at a critical crossroad in your life. You can continue to do what your doing and destroy your husband and life in the process. Or you can let go of your public face, seek help, and begin healing.

 

It's your choice.

 

The h*ll with her husband, why the h*ll would any normal man tolerate socializing for a minute with the man who abused his wife?

 

Are you kidding me? The entire family dynamic is completely f*cked up.

[spriggig]

Don't feed the troll.

Don't feed the troll.

Don't feed the troll.

Don't feed the troll.

Don't feed the troll.

 

Corporate, please go away, my ignore list is getting hard to manage.

[sillytothink]

I want to thank you all for your input. It is the exact slap in the face I needed. I didn’t know how much this forum would help, as I have never used such an outlet. But, as you all know I am very concerned with image, and felt ashamed to discuss any of this with my friends. I want to especially thank you, witabix. I know you could’ve stated the obvious by telling me how I am reacting, cheating on my husband, is absolutely awful and deserves no pardon. But, what you said is more of what I needed. Nothing anyone says can make me feel more horrible about my actions than I already feel. I just didn’t understand what I was thinking. You are absolutely right, jekyll-hyde type behaviors, a terrible internal struggle that even I have been unable to recognize, or admit.

 

Tonight, I was on my way to have my first meeting with the basketball coach, dressed so provocatively that I feared if for some reason I were pulled over, the officer would accuse me of being a hooker. I turned my car around after I was only half way there. I did this for many reasons. I knew that it would be short-lived, I would eventually want him to fall in love with me, though I have no desire of falling in love with him. I feel as though I should be irresistible to him, and as though he has no other choice but to fall in love with me. This was my first red flag. As you can see in my previous posts, I was convinced it was just sex I was after. I now realize I want to be loved, desperately. I want to have control over men, probably since as a child, I had none. I also turned around because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to admit my indiscretion even on here, to strangers, so how could I possibly admit it to myself? I felt ashamed. It is not a feeling that sits well with me, especially knowing my loving husband is at work at this very moment, in belief that his wife is at home sleeping, dreaming of him. I also turned around because I felt like a joke. I would consistently tell him that this has to be no-strings attached, and we must keep this private. I felt empowered. On my drive however, I came to realize, he’s thinking “awesome, I can use her, and she thinks it’s her idea.” If this were one of my sisters telling me this story, I would want to shake them to make them realize how they are doing themselves a dis-service, and are allowing men to use them like a doll.

 

Witabix, you are absolutely right. The only person I am letting down is myself. In the end, I need to be proud of my life, and how I treated others. I couldn’t have less pride in myself at the moment. Counseling, while I do not like to admit it, is exactly what I need. I felt ashamed to admit defeat, but like you say, why should I be held in higher regard than any other human…it’s ok to admit defeat, and ask for help. When you said “you have strength”, my heart broke. Because how I am acting is weak, and I have convinced myself I am strong enough to be disconnected from it all-to be the perfect wife on one side, and on the other, the sex slave for anyone I choose. I need to use my strength to admit I have been weak, blind, disillusioned, and am in need of help. It is very difficult for me to do….but like the saying goes, the hardest thing and the right thing are usually the same.

[LSNoob]

Sorry to hear about your childhood.

 

Like others said, please get professional help and confess everything to your husband in a counseling session. Hope everything works out for you. Good luck.

[Trimmer]

I cannot state my points any better than Witabix has already done, right down to your anger at yourself being misdirected at your husband - my exact thought as I was reading your chocolate chip pancake story.

 

I think it's also notable that you recognize that your behaviors are self-destructive, because they are, and very much so.

 

I felt ashamed to admit defeat, but like you say, why should I be held in higher regard than any other human…it’s ok to admit defeat, and ask for help.

Asking for help is not a defeat. Continuing on a path which you realize is self-destructive and damaging to yourself and those around you, and not taking aggressive action to change your course would be a defeat. Thinking that you can "solve it yourself" while continuing to engage in damaging behaviors that dig you in even deeper would be a defeat.

 

Asking for professional help is not a defeat. When a carpenter uses a hammer to drive a nail, it's not a "defeat" because he can't do it with his bare hands; it is simply the obvious and sensible tool to use to get the job done right.

 

If you must, think of professional counseling as a tool that you will use to accomplish the positive goal of healing. It may well be the critical turning point to saving yourself.

 

Press "Fast Forward" on your life: where do you see your trajectory going - personal, family, community, career - if you do not change course? Getting help to do that is NOT a defeat.

[witabix]

Nothing anyone says can make me feel more horrible about my actions than I already feel.

 

I am sure this is true.

 

jekyll-hyde type behaviors, a terrible internal struggle that even I have been unable to recognize, or admit.

 

You have to stop fighting with yourself. Although my experience is vastly different from yours, I know the Jekyll/Hyde experience only too well. My anger has caused me to lose a great deal.

 

I now realize I want to be loved, desperately. I want to have control over men, probably since as a child, I had none.

 

I have seen this echoed in varying degrees in people I have known, intimately, with a similar back story. It does not mean that that is 'the way you are'. It seems self evident that a woman would easily develop such tendencies.

 

I also turned around because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to admit my indiscretion even on here, to strangers, so how could I possibly admit it to myself? I felt ashamed. It is not a feeling that sits well with me,

 

Shame rears its head again in your life, this time brought about by your own actions. I think shame is, in some way, an internal conflict between values and actual behaviours, you feel this emotion because you don't want to view yourself in this way.

 

especially knowing my loving husband is at work at this very moment, in belief that his wife is at home sleeping, dreaming of him.

 

I have not talked about your husband at all. He will be hurt by the fallout from this, that is unavoidable. You will require all your strength to face this man with the truth when the time comes. I will say that, IMO, your first responsibility is to yourself. You are the primary sufferer here, it is beyond doubt that your actions will cause your H a great deal of pain also. That must be dealt with, but you will probably not be able to do that properly until you have received some help first.

 

I also turned around because I felt like a joke. I would consistently tell him that this has to be no-strings attached, and we must keep this private. I felt empowered. On my drive however, I came to realize, he’s thinking “awesome, I can use her, and she thinks it’s her idea.” If this were one of my sisters telling me this story, I would want to shake them to make them realize how they are doing themselves a dis-service, and are allowing men to use them like a doll.

 

Always a good thing to be able to move your perspective in any given situation. Try to do the same thing for the situation between you and your H, try to see it from his side. It may help to understand his reactions.

 

The only person I am letting down is myself. In the end, I need to be proud of my life, and how I treated others. I couldn’t have less pride in myself at the moment.

 

When you seek help you can do that with pride. It is an admission of humanity, it is an admission to the little girl you used to be, and in many ways are trapped as still, that the time has come to help her out of the hell she has been living through all these years. It is a display of strength and resolution.

 

Counseling, while I do not like to admit it, is exactly what I need. I felt ashamed to admit defeat, but like you say, why should I be held in higher regard than any other human…it’s ok to admit defeat, and ask for help.

 

It is a sign of strength, you had all your power taken away at an early age, yet you have made it this far in life. Maintaining your iron grip on yourself, refusing to show the scars and damage, not even being allowed to show those things. You have fought a mighty battle, and thought you were 'winning'. Until recently, and caught a glimpse of what was happening to you, I can only imagine your confusion. Now it is time to win the war, comfort yourself, take your iron grip and use it to stand up to the people who have hurt you. They have all the responsibility of their, knowing, evil actions. The actions that left small children at the mercy of 'a troubled man'. (I simply cannot write what I feel about this)

 

Because how I am acting is weak, and I have convinced myself I am strong enough to be disconnected from it all-to be the perfect wife on one side, and on the other, the sex slave for anyone I choose. I need to use my strength to admit I have been weak, blind, disillusioned, and am in need of help. It is very difficult for me to do….but like the saying goes, the hardest thing and the right thing are usually the same.

 

Don't ever doubt your own strength and resolve, you could not have survived this long without it. Both of the emboldened phrases above are outward pointing traits. Stop it.

 

Try this instead,

 

I have convinced myself I am strong enough to recognise the harm that has been done to me, and the subsequent harm that I have caused others. I am strong enough to take responsibility for my actions and those that damaged me must take responsibility for theirs.

 

I would also caution against taking revenge, or being motivated by revenge. That is an ally of anger. Use your self healing as a motivation, and do your best to understand your H and his reactions.

 

This board is here if you need it.

[spriggig]

Hey spriggig, why don't you take your little ugly head, and shove it up your as*

 

I take it you disagree with my assesment of this thead?

[jnj express]

Yes I think its legit.