witabix Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 From what you have said he has definitely made his decision to be with you and only you. Please don't adorn your face with rose coloured spectacles. Make sure you get all your issues with this thing out in the open and get them dealt with. As you may see from other threads, these things can have a long half life, and can come back to haunt you in time. Good luck for the future.
Author hunnybea Posted August 22, 2010 Author Posted August 22, 2010 From what you have said he has definitely made his decision to be with you and only you. Please don't adorn your face with rose coloured spectacles. Make sure you get all your issues with this thing out in the open and get them dealt with. As you may see from other threads, these things can have a long half life, and can come back to haunt you in time. Good luck for the future. Thank you so much...believe me, the rose colored glasses are gone. We are working on ALL of our issues...his, mine and ours. I know if we don't deal with them and just sweep them under the rug, something will come back and bite us. I just swept the drug thing under the rug when he had to go to court ordered counseling for that for a year and then instead of fixing us then, this happened...I know how dangerous it can be to just ignore the whole mess and go on...
spriggig Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 To be honest, we haven't been this close in years...very strange that something like this could bring us back to where we used to be a long time ago...like I said before, he and I are soulmates...we complete the other...and I think we can work through it... "We complete the other..." If this is a mantra of yours, something you repeat to yourself and strongly believe, it points to an unhealthy dependency. This could be the root of your problems with men. Rather than feeling incomplete without him or some other man in your life, you must strive to be complete in yourself, have your own friends, your own goals compatible with but separate from the marriage. Your husband should be an addition to an already complete life, not the missing piece that makes your life complete. Also, when men say "I don't deserve you", it means you're carrying too much of the load--you're being too nice. Ask him to do his share of the housework and tell him exactly why. "I think part of the reason you feel you don't deserve me is that I'm too nice to you--I don't ask you to contribute more than you do, I don't make demands on your time. If you helped with the housework, that would help to balance this feeling that you don't deserve me." You mentioned housework in your first post, I suspect that even if you deny it on the surface, deep down you resent that he doesn't do housework. http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/04/how-to-train-a-man-to-do-housework/ You have to adopt the attitude that he doesn't deserve you, at least not the way things are now. Be more assertive and demanding and he'll have more respect for you. Not just in a "negative way" by asking him to do housework, be more demanding of his affection, display in a cavewoman sort of way your sexual attraction to him. You said there is no problem in the bedroom, but that doesn't mean he sees it the same way. Men like grunting and swinging clubs, women are more like scalpels--meet him part way by acting like a butter knife. Be a bit more blunt and assertive, but not needy.
You Go Girl Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 You really have a good head on your shoulders, OP. Some of this though is emotional, and you can't sort it all out logically. You have to address the emotional pain. I don't know the good books on repairing a marriage after infidelity, but I know there are loads of them. If you can't afford counseling, then reading several of these books, having him read them too, and discussing them together is like marriage counseling without the counselor, I would imagine.
Snowflower Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 As far as IC goes, we can't afford that...or MC either for that matter...but we are talking, both of us, about what happened, how it happened and where to go from here...what we both want, how to work it out, what happens if this opportunity arises in the future, ect. Hi hunnbea, I'll try to answer the other parts of your post later but I wanted to address this part: I think some type of IC/MC is very vital to your reconciliation. Now depending on you and your H, you might have varying degrees of success but there is something about having an objective 3rd party involved that really helps. Your friends (if you told them) will probably try to help you but they will be biased based on their feelings about you and infidelity. A good counselor what not have the bias. Use the 211 suggestion that another poster suggested if that works in your community. Or, check to see if your job (or your husband's) offers an EAP plan as part of you benefits which often includes free counseling. Many/most employers are offer some version of the EAP benefit. My husband and I both had EAP benefits with our jobs and that is how we paid for all our counseling, first under my plan and then under his. Similar the 211 suggestion, most communities have a mental health center (for suicide prevention) that offer free/low cost counseling. I live in a very small, isolated community and even my community has this service so its likely yours will have something similar. You could contact the mental health center and they will have services or referrals for you. I think some type of professional help is vital to a good reconciliation. Good luck!
Author hunnybea Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 "We complete the other..." If this is a mantra of yours, something you repeat to yourself and strongly believe, it points to an unhealthy dependency. This could be the root of your problems with men. Rather than feeling incomplete without him or some other man in your life, you must strive to be complete in yourself, have your own friends, your own goals compatible with but separate from the marriage. Your husband should be an addition to an already complete life, not the missing piece that makes your life complete. Also, when men say "I don't deserve you", it means you're carrying too much of the load--you're being too nice. Ask him to do his share of the housework and tell him exactly why. "I think part of the reason you feel you don't deserve me is that I'm too nice to you--I don't ask you to contribute more than you do, I don't make demands on your time. If you helped with the housework, that would help to balance this feeling that you don't deserve me." You mentioned housework in your first post, I suspect that even if you deny it on the surface, deep down you resent that he doesn't do housework. http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/04/how-to-train-a-man-to-do-housework/ You have to adopt the attitude that he doesn't deserve you, at least not the way things are now. Be more assertive and demanding and he'll have more respect for you. Not just in a "negative way" by asking him to do housework, be more demanding of his affection, display in a cavewoman sort of way your sexual attraction to him. You said there is no problem in the bedroom, but that doesn't mean he sees it the same way. Men like grunting and swinging clubs, women are more like scalpels--meet him part way by acting like a butter knife. Be a bit more blunt and assertive, but not needy. I see what you are saying about the completeness...and I used to be like that I suppose...thinking I had to have a man. That's one reason my first marriage didn't work out. Have you ever felt just that special connection with someone...you can pick up every little thing they are feeling, thinking...they can calm you when you are mad, visa versa...a best friend. I call it soulmates...I believe there is one person out there for each of us...that special person...and I have him and he believes the same about me. Even when at first he started to tell me, we were able to back up and talk about it. I stepped off my wife box, so to speak, and slipped into the best friend box to hear him out...because we had stopped talking completely about anything other than the kids and work. I'm a stay at home mom...all my focus was on kids, his was on work...somewhere we lost each other, but we are finding out way back...this was kind of a wake up call for both of us and we are talking more...and he is doing housework...all on his own! Make no mistake though, I can and will walk away if this happens again in any shape way or form. The only reason I didn't this time was because he wanted to stay and make it work. I didn't make him. And we are healing together, spending more time for us and doing more as a family for the children. And yes, I wasn't very blunt and assertive up until 2 months ago...now I'm very blunt and assertive.
Author hunnybea Posted August 23, 2010 Author Posted August 23, 2010 You really have a good head on your shoulders, OP. Some of this though is emotional, and you can't sort it all out logically. You have to address the emotional pain. I don't know the good books on repairing a marriage after infidelity, but I know there are loads of them. If you can't afford counseling, then reading several of these books, having him read them too, and discussing them together is like marriage counseling without the counselor, I would imagine. Thank you.
Raybork Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 I completely understand why you feel the way you do. My wife cheated on me several years ago. For a long time after, my emotions were like a roller coaster. it took a lot of heartache for both of us to get through it. I still don't understand fully why she did it, but it is no longer an issue. If you both still care about each other, then you will eventually get through this. It will take time and commitment to the cause , your relationship!
Author hunnybea Posted August 24, 2010 Author Posted August 24, 2010 I completely understand why you feel the way you do. My wife cheated on me several years ago. For a long time after, my emotions were like a roller coaster. it took a lot of heartache for both of us to get through it. I still don't understand fully why she did it, but it is no longer an issue. If you both still care about each other, then you will eventually get through this. It will take time and commitment to the cause , your relationship! Thank you for those encouraging words. How are you guys doing now? Since we can't really afford the counseling thing, I've gotten some books and we are going to read them together and talk more. He is up for anything I throw at him. I told him we need to fix us individually or we will never be able to have an us because we won't know ourselves. We went through 6 years of just "being" there...it wasn't happy, it wasn't sad, it was just there...we weren't really talking, we were just there. I thought it was all good then...but looking back I see how much was really missing. We loved each other, but we fell into a rut that we didn't even see ourselves in...it was like we were half asleep. He's beginning to understand that he has to talk about how he feels...not easy for him, but we have learned so much from just simple communication...she made him feel wanted. I did not...even though I never denied him anything, I never told him or made him feel like he was something. That was the key and one that I totally understand. I know it's not my fault, he is in the wrong completely, but finding the "why" isn't so hard now. Thank you guys for helping me through this...I've talked to friends but no one has been through this completely...the one person who has, and who we thought could help still had issues and we ended up not talking to them because it would have brought back conflict to their marriage...it just helps to talk to people who know what I'm talking about. The only thing now is, we live in a small town and the odds of running into her and her husband are high...how to deal with that one...especially when our children used to play together and her kids and my kids will want to talk to each other...my son has already said he misses playing with her children...I told my children we can't play with them anymore because they moved away. There will be no contact whatsoever.
You Go Girl Posted August 24, 2010 Posted August 24, 2010 If you see that couple on a street corner, just barely wave and keep going. Same with running into them at a party, a restaurant, a store, anywhere. No need to pretend you don't see them when you do, that would be silly. No need to stop and have a chit-chat either. If you're kids run into her kids, just act as if they're lucky to run into each other again. Then cut the visit short somehow. Kids don't need full explanations, and they will make many other new friends. Now if they go to the same school, that's more difficult, especially in years to come--high school. You'll have to back-track on that lie that they moved, because otherwise, it will all come out later when they are smart enough to read between the lines. So make sure that moving story is doable, or rethink it now and then simply procrastinate on playtime indefinitely. If this is you and your H's biggest problem to solve, you're not just doing good, you're doing fantastic.
mattym Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Hi I cheated on my wife 3 years ago ( my story is on the site somewhere) & if you both want things to be better, it can happen Here we are 3 years and a lot of heartache later but still together - and infact expecting another child later this year For us when the initial storm settled it took me moving jobs and us moving home to start that 'clean slate' which when your head settles may be things you want to consider As weird as it sounds, the fact your husband cheated does not necessarily mean he didnt/doesnt love you I treated my wife terribly but I never stopped loving her I wish you all the best. use this site, the act of writing how you feel will help more than you know God bless
TinaniT Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I am amazed by your levelheadedness, strength of character, and resiliency. I think you and your husband are going to be just fine, from what you posted. You have the strength to truly get through if he repents and rectifies his behavior, which he seems to be very clear on doing. It also seems you understand what led astray, in just him and in the relationship. So I really have nothing much to add. You are one classy woman. Kudos.
Author hunnybea Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 If you see that couple on a street corner, just barely wave and keep going. Same with running into them at a party, a restaurant, a store, anywhere. No need to pretend you don't see them when you do, that would be silly. No need to stop and have a chit-chat either. If you're kids run into her kids, just act as if they're lucky to run into each other again. Then cut the visit short somehow. Kids don't need full explanations, and they will make many other new friends. Now if they go to the same school, that's more difficult, especially in years to come--high school. You'll have to back-track on that lie that they moved, because otherwise, it will all come out later when they are smart enough to read between the lines. So make sure that moving story is doable, or rethink it now and then simply procrastinate on playtime indefinitely. If this is you and your H's biggest problem to solve, you're not just doing good, you're doing fantastic. Thank you...that does sound much better than just snubbing them and the kids wondering why. They did actually move...they were neighbors before the affair started...lousy ones, but neighbors. She and I were just starting to become friends...I could have tried to help her I think, I really could have and that's the sad part. I don't think they go to the same school, but there is a possibility of them running into each other in the future...that's a bridge we'll cross when we get there... Thank you for the advice, it really helped!
Author hunnybea Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Hi I cheated on my wife 3 years ago ( my story is on the site somewhere) & if you both want things to be better, it can happen Here we are 3 years and a lot of heartache later but still together - and infact expecting another child later this year For us when the initial storm settled it took me moving jobs and us moving home to start that 'clean slate' which when your head settles may be things you want to consider As weird as it sounds, the fact your husband cheated does not necessarily mean he didnt/doesnt love you I treated my wife terribly but I never stopped loving her I wish you all the best. use this site, the act of writing how you feel will help more than you know God bless Thank you so much.
Author hunnybea Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 I am amazed by your levelheadedness, strength of character, and resiliency. I think you and your husband are going to be just fine, from what you posted. You have the strength to truly get through if he repents and rectifies his behavior, which he seems to be very clear on doing. It also seems you understand what led astray, in just him and in the relationship. So I really have nothing much to add. You are one classy woman. Kudos. Well, thank you so much for the kind words! It's gonna be a long road, but I think we are gonna make it! Thanks so much to everyone who posted and gave me some things to think about!
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