hurt and devastated Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I've been feeling better about myself lately. The urge to break down and cry at the drop of a hat has for the most part passed. Things still catch up to me, and I have my bad days, but I noticed something interesting: I'm starting to feel a lot more anger. I don't know if it's just from selfish pride, but I'm starting to feel a lot of "how could you do this" towards my wife. Yeah, I wasn't the best husband to her, but I don't think I deserved to be cheated on. Also, despite her claiming to the contrary, I don't see how she's been affected really at all by this. She hasn't lost weight, I've lost almost 40 pounds through this. I can't think about anyone else but her, she's had a profile on Adult Friend Finder for over a month now. The last couple of times I've picked up or dropped off my daughter I've been so pissed I barely even talk to her. Don't worry, it will never get into a situation where I will want to hit her or something stupid like that. I'm just curious if anyone else has gone from hurt to anger like this, and how they dealt with it. My wife hasn't done anything to provoke me, and she doesn't know I know about her little personal ad, so it's not a case of her trying to push my buttons. This hasn't been a good week; tomorrow will be 2 months since we split up. I wonder if that's playing a role in this too. I would love to hear from anyone who went through a similar thing, words of advice, a kick in the butt, whatever you have to offer....
skydiveaddict Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) Yes I know about anger I''ve never been married but this might still apply It feels like frustration boiling over. God how I'm still pissed at her. I dont mean to imply that it could ever be as painful as marriage, but it still hutrs Edited August 18, 2010 by skydiveaddict
Iselia Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I've been feeling better about myself lately. The urge to break down and cry at the drop of a hat has for the most part passed. Things still catch up to me, and I have my bad days, but I noticed something interesting: I'm starting to feel a lot more anger. I don't know if it's just from selfish pride, but I'm starting to feel a lot of "how could you do this" towards my wife. Yeah, I wasn't the best husband to her, but I don't think I deserved to be cheated on. Also, despite her claiming to the contrary, I don't see how she's been affected really at all by this. She hasn't lost weight, I've lost almost 40 pounds through this. I can't think about anyone else but her, she's had a profile on Adult Friend Finder for over a month now. The last couple of times I've picked up or dropped off my daughter I've been so pissed I barely even talk to her. Don't worry, it will never get into a situation where I will want to hit her or something stupid like that. I'm just curious if anyone else has gone from hurt to anger like this, and how they dealt with it. My wife hasn't done anything to provoke me, and she doesn't know I know about her little personal ad, so it's not a case of her trying to push my buttons. This hasn't been a good week; tomorrow will be 2 months since we split up. I wonder if that's playing a role in this too. I would love to hear from anyone who went through a similar thing, words of advice, a kick in the butt, whatever you have to offer.... 4 months in now and I'm just now starting to be consumed with rage. All the hurtful things she was said/done have PUSHED me over the edge. She is NOT my damn problem anymore. Although, I've never been through a breakup I think the angry stage is probably a necessity to healing. I mean, hell, they threw us away like garbage!
nokturn Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I can definitely relate. Funny because I recently realized I'm at the anger stage. Sometimes I even feel like I need to force myself to hate her in order to help me through this.
Author hurt and devastated Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) I know what you mean there. I think it would be easier to detatch and move on if I could hate her. Actually, what would really help would be to go NC. Having to stay in contact with her for my kids' sake really makes it complicated, but no way in Hell am I gonna shut them out because of her. I'm trying not to get totally consumed by anger, because it's not going to really solve anything. Sky, I like how you put it as frustration boiling over. That's really what it feels like. It's very frustrating to barely be able to function and then see her going on with her life tra-la-la like nothing happened. And don't discount what happened to you. To come home from overseas to find your SO vanished is seriously f*cked up. Especially after risking your life for the rest of us. Edited August 18, 2010 by hurt and devastated
YellowShark Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Here's the stages you'll go through: 1. Denial - If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she/he will change their mind. 2. Anger/Resentment - Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. 3. Bargaining - You try to negotiate to change the situation, "If you'll stay I'll change". 4. Depression - You realize the situation isn't going to change. 5. Acceptance - Though you haven't forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward. Sounds like you are in stage 2 hurt and devastated.
nokturn Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Here's the stages you'll go through: 1. Denial - If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she/he will change their mind. 2. Anger/Resentment - Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. 3. Bargaining - You try to negotiate to change the situation, "If you'll stay I'll change". 4. Depression - You realize the situation isn't going to change. 5. Acceptance - Though you haven't forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward. Sounds like you are in stage 2 hurt and devastated. Don't mean to impose on the thread, but does one necessarily have to go through these stages in the order shown?
Author hurt and devastated Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Don't mean to impose on the thread, but does one necessarily have to go through these stages in the order shown? I don't think so, because I've gone through several of them, even at once. Depression, denial, and bargaining all hit at once right off the bat. Acceptance to a degree, but now anger and resentment is becoming the strongest feeling.
mannpho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I can relate to your emotions. It's 5 weeks with my break and I went as far on overdosing on a large amounts of meds and alcohol. The pain is completely out of control. Im now in group treatment but it doesn't seem to help me. Im consumed by her thoughts and vision. I still cant believe it. Keep in mind my situation was preety f--ked up . We were in Canada for a week vacation and she dropped the bomb on me on our way back. I had 8 hours of silence and emotions. She wouldn't talk. Talk about being a bitch. In spite of it I tried everything, emails, texts etc. I decided to send her a Bday card. She sent back a simple thanks you. I then texted her several days later, she responds back and calls me. We chatted and she then said this weekend lets get together. Nothing, no calls no pick up no texts. I just cant believe it. Sorry for dumping my stuff here it's your post. But I completely feel for you and get what your going through. Not much advise but perhaps a group, therapist. ps I too have dropped over 40 pounds. She too was on the dating sites the week after the vacation. She had planned it out. We are here for you so post as much as you want. Get it out it does help. B
YellowShark Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Don't mean to impose on the thread, but does one necessarily have to go through these stages in the order shown? Not at all. You can bounce around from one to the other. That's why they call it a "roller coaster ride." Sometimes I would be angry in the morning, depressed by lunch, thinking about bargaining in the afternoon, and then resenting her by dinnertime.
Author hurt and devastated Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 I can relate to your emotions. It's 5 weeks with my break and I went as far on overdosing on a large amounts of meds and alcohol. The pain is completely out of control. Im now in group treatment but it doesn't seem to help me. Im consumed by her thoughts and vision. I still cant believe it. Keep in mind my situation was preety f--ked up . We were in Canada for a week vacation and she dropped the bomb on me on our way back. I had 8 hours of silence and emotions. She wouldn't talk. Talk about being a bitch. In spite of it I tried everything, emails, texts etc. I decided to send her a Bday card. She sent back a simple thanks you. I then texted her several days later, she responds back and calls me. We chatted and she then said this weekend lets get together. Nothing, no calls no pick up no texts. I just cant believe it. Sorry for dumping my stuff here it's your post. But I completely feel for you and get what your going through. Not much advise but perhaps a group, therapist. ps I too have dropped over 40 pounds. She too was on the dating sites the week after the vacation. She had planned it out. We are here for you so post as much as you want. Get it out it does help. B No worries about the dumping. We're all here to help one another, so post away. I've luckily stayed away from alcohol for the most part, although that's not to say the temptation hasn't been there. I know I'm repeating what you've been told countless times by now, but it will get better. I remember where I was 5 weeks into the split, and I can honestly say I have improved from there. Slight as it may be, it's still an improvement. Today marked 2 months, and it was not an easy day. I re-lived a few things from that day that I'd just as soon forget. I'm planning on signing up for Divorce Care that starts September 8th, and I can't wait.
Steadfast Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 The quicker you can move to the acceptance stage, the better off you'll be. I could type a novel here, but, when I felt the anger was beginning to eat me alive, I began praying for my ex. I didn't ask God to bring us together, but to put myself in a position of understanding. Then, a very good friend said; "No matter what she does, be nice. Just Be Nice. It'll work wonders." He was right. I let her go, and began to work on myself. I worked out, went out and rode the tide. Sometimes (like you, we have kids) she'd look at me with wonderment, other times my kindness would anger her to the point where we wouldn't see her for weeks. Understand, I didn't kiss her ass; often I'd have to put my foot down, but did so calmly. What I really did, was return to her complete control over her life and her problems. I excused myself from all of it, and focused on the kids and me. I was also humbled, and started looking at my 'dumping' with a bit of humor. I simply lightened up. I'm giving you the same advice. Be nice. Give it a try, you'll see.
HeavenOrHell Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 No, I don't think I went through stages, I just felt every horrible emotion continuously for 6 months until I stopped contact with him and then I started to move on and accepted it was over. I didn't notice any stages at the time and looking back on it it there weren't stages.
spriggig Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 There were times, when she first left the house and I'd be forced to see her on the weekend that I'd feel and think all the stages at once--layered and twisting in my mind. Like that scene in Poltergeist where the kids room is filled with spinning, evil toys. Anger is a healthy response to depression, it helps you climb out of the hole, stand on the edge and shake your fist at God and Fate. Acceptance balances Bargaining. And Denial is a river we all navigate, chased by the hope monster.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 The quicker you can move to the acceptance stage, the better off you'll be. I could type a novel here, but, when I felt the anger was beginning to eat me alive, I began praying for my ex. I didn't ask God to bring us together, but to put myself in a position of understanding. Then, a very good friend said; "No matter what she does, be nice. Just Be Nice. It'll work wonders." He was right. I let her go, and began to work on myself. I worked out, went out and rode the tide. Sometimes (like you, we have kids) she'd look at me with wonderment, other times my kindness would anger her to the point where we wouldn't see her for weeks. Understand, I didn't kiss her ass; often I'd have to put my foot down, but did so calmly. What I really did, was return to her complete control over her life and her problems. I excused myself from all of it, and focused on the kids and me. I was also humbled, and started looking at my 'dumping' with a bit of humor. I simply lightened up. I'm giving you the same advice. Be nice. Give it a try, you'll see. This is awesome advice Stead! I am copying it and using it
Author hurt and devastated Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 There were times, when she first left the house and I'd be forced to see her on the weekend that I'd feel and think all the stages at once--layered and twisting in my mind. Like that scene in Poltergeist where the kids room is filled with spinning, evil toys. Anger is a healthy response to depression, it helps you climb out of the hole, stand on the edge and shake your fist at God and Fate. Acceptance balances Bargaining. And Denial is a river we all navigate, chased by the hope monster. Very eloquently put. Everytime I'm in that house or around her, everything hits me at once. It used to be the depression that won out, and I'd be moping or breaking down. Now the anger is winning, and it's a struggle to act normal. I'm trying to stay ahead of the hope monster, but I still feel it's grisly jaws snapping at my heels. Steadfast, that is really good advice. I'm doing my level best not to treat her with contempt, and to be the better person through all this. It's just soo damned hard to try and stomach all that she is doing. To have to accept the cheating and her hooking up with guys almost before the body was cold still hurts me a lot. And that hurt now turns to anger. It's a vicious circle that I'd love to break. I want to let go more than you can imagine. I know it would do me a lot of good. But right now she's still dragging me into Hell with her. I'm just thankful I have the kids to focus on. I don't know where I would be right now without them.
HeavenOrHell Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Also, no contact did wonders for me pretty much straight away, but we're friends now and meet up once a week, we've both met new partners, life goes on No, I don't think I went through stages, I just felt every horrible emotion continuously for 6 months until I stopped contact with him and then I started to move on and accepted it was over. I didn't notice any stages at the time and looking back on it it there weren't stages.
HopeLove Posted August 21, 2010 Posted August 21, 2010 I went through and I'm still going through different stages. 3 months after the breakup I started the "anger stage", it didn't last long but I was feeling much better afterwards, than again was through other stages. Now, nearly 4 months after the breakup I'm again at this "anger stage" and feeling hi's a selfish you know what. Although I'm still going through ALL stages ramdonly what I noticed is that every time I have a "low" a recover much faster. You mention about her not caring, etc. Well, I think she might care but obviously not as much as you do. I was her decission to break the relationship so obviously is not as painful as it is for you. I know you're going through a hard period in your life but you will survive and let time help you. Time takes time but at the end helps.
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