Break-up procedure?

[d7mra]

What are yall's opinions on how to break up with someone if you're in an LDR. In my case, my gf is about 200 miles away in another state. So yes, I can make the drive, but do you tell them you're coming for a normal visit or give them a heads-up, or do it over the phone and then tell them when you're going to be in town next? What's considered right and what's considered acceptable?

 

PS...not sure about breaking up but thinking about it. More curious just what the proper protocol is for LDR. In my case, we're on a "break" right now, meaning we're not talking as I said I needed some space to figure myself out. So if I call her to tell her I'm coming to visit, isn't she going to ask what the deal is first?

[D-Lish]

What are yall's opinions on how to break up with someone if you're in an LDR. In my case, my gf is about 200 miles away in another state. So yes, I can make the drive, but do you tell them you're coming for a normal visit or give them a heads-up, or do it over the phone and then tell them when you're going to be in town next? What's considered right and what's considered acceptable?

 

PS...not sure about breaking up but thinking about it. More curious just what the proper protocol is for LDR. In my case, we're on a "break" right now, meaning we're not talking as I said I needed some space to figure myself out. So if I call her to tell her I'm coming to visit, isn't she going to ask what the deal is first?

 

How you break up with her is up to you.

If you're currently on a break, I don't see the need to buy a plane ticket or make the drive in order to do it face to face. Face to face is fine- but if you're in a LDR, are you really going to drive 4 hours to say "hey, it's not working out", then turn around and drive back?

 

How long have you been together?

[d7mra]

We've been together almost 3 years off and on, most recently about 2 years fairly solid with one almost falling out in there. I started grad school about 10 weeks ago and the past 5 weeks or so have been really rough on the relationship. I was home last week and we talked a lot about it and started the "break" on Sunday.

[D-Lish]

We've been together almost 3 years off and on, most recently about 2 years fairly solid with one almost falling out in there. I started grad school about 10 weeks ago and the past 5 weeks or so have been really rough on the relationship. I was home last week and we talked a lot about it and started the "break" on Sunday.

 

Then just continue on with the break.

3 Years probably deserves a face to face, but you can have that face to face when it's convenient- meaning next time you are home.

 

The break is all about figuring things out. You might want to take longer than a week to think about things regardless.

[d7mra]

Then just continue on with the break.

3 Years probably deserves a face to face, but you can have that face to face when it's convenient- meaning next time you are home.

 

The break is all about figuring things out. You might want to take longer than a week to think about things regardless.

 

Yeah, I am going to give it lots more thought, but when I do make contact with her, she's going to ask what the deal is, and I'm not sure what to say. Any thoughts there? I think if I say, "I'm coming home this weekend and we'll talk about it then" is going to be a red flag.

[D-Lish]

Yeah, I am going to give it lots more thought, but when I do make contact with her, she's going to ask what the deal is, and I'm not sure what to say. Any thoughts there? I think if I say, "I'm coming home this weekend and we'll talk about it then" is going to be a red flag.

 

 

Well, you are already on a break- so saying you want to talk about things face to face isn't going to raise any more suspicion that isn't already present.

 

Being on "a break" is halfway toward breaking up anyway.

[skydiveaddict]

Just be honest that;s all I can tell you

[hoping2heal]

What was your recent fallout about? I'm sad to hear you describe that you hit a rough patch and are now considering breaking up. When people begin life changes i.e career, school, etc. It's usually common that the relationship has to undergo a series of changes and adjustments that may or may not be straining on the relationship at some point, but that doesn't mean things don't adapt and smooth out, either. You also mentioned being on again/off again. Do you two often pull the cord when times get tough?

[d7mra]

What was your recent fallout about? I'm sad to hear you describe that you hit a rough patch and are now considering breaking up. When people begin life changes i.e career, school, etc. It's usually common that the relationship has to undergo a series of changes and adjustments that may or may not be straining on the relationship at some point, but that doesn't mean things don't adapt and smooth out, either. You also mentioned being on again/off again. Do you two often pull the cord when times get tough?

 

I wouldn't say we often pull the cord but the relationship has relied on our mutual love moreso than fundamental compatibility in my opinion. We've had one near-breakup last winter and there were other trust issues in the relationship.

 

I feel like I'm content with her but now that I'm in school, asking her to move down here has serious long-term implications and that reality is hitting hard. I don't know where I see the relationship in 3-5 years, and I feel like the fact that I'm having these doubts/feelings again (this is essentially why we broke up 2 years ago) is somehow my gut telling me it isn't right.

 

On the other hand, she's an amazing girl and I love her dearly, and she loves me for who I am. I think another factor is that my dad's been married and divorced 4 times and I have a huge fear of ending up like him. I feel like if I don't know for sure that she's the one, that I should get out rather than risk it. You know how they say, "you know when you know?" Well, I don't know and that's the scariest part. The fact that this changed so relatively quickly after starting the LDR raises serious doubts for me too. I don't want to regret breaking up with her down the road, but it feels unfair for me to continue the relationship out of selfish fears about how I would feel without her.

[D-Lish]

I wouldn't say we often pull the cord but the relationship has relied on our mutual love moreso than fundamental compatibility in my opinion. We've had one near-breakup last winter and there were other trust issues in the relationship.

 

I feel like I'm content with her but now that I'm in school, asking her to move down here has serious long-term implications and that reality is hitting hard. I don't know where I see the relationship in 3-5 years, and I feel like the fact that I'm having these doubts/feelings again (this is essentially why we broke up 2 years ago) is somehow my gut telling me it isn't right.

 

On the other hand, she's an amazing girl and I love her dearly, and she loves me for who I am. I think another factor is that my dad's been married and divorced 4 times and I have a huge fear of ending up like him. I feel like if I don't know for sure that she's the one, that I should get out rather than risk it. You know how they say, "you know when you know?" Well, I don't know and that's the scariest part. The fact that this changed so relatively quickly after starting the LDR raises serious doubts for me too. I don't want to regret breaking up with her down the road, but it feels unfair for me to continue the relationship out of selfish fears about how I would feel without her.

 

That's why the break is the right way to go.

 

Just be aware that while you take the time to figure out whether or not it's the right thing to do that she may move on.

 

That's always something to consider.

[d7mra]

That's why the break is the right way to go.

 

Just be aware that while you take the time to figure out whether or not it's the right thing to do that she may move on.

 

That's always something to consider.

 

Very true, and I appreciate you following my thread Dlish. Do you think that these semi-recurrent doubts should be some sort of gut instinct red flag for me? How much should I let my fear of the future weigh on this decision? And how normal is it to feel like this in light of my fears and doubts? I feel like it's very difficult to discern what's normal in a relationship when you have no good home model of what a "good" relationship is.

 

I used to think this is just the way relationships go. You find someone who you love, who loves you, who will stand by you and the rest doesn't really matter even though that means you'll never have that "joy" or ecstasy that might come from feeling like you're with the "one". Is it an illusion or am I deluding myself into thinking it's real because I don't want to put the work into this relationship that it would take to get us back to a good place considering the LDR aspect? Sorry for the multiple questions...

[D-Lish]

Very true, and I appreciate you following my thread Dlish. Do you think that these semi-recurrent doubts should be some sort of gut instinct red flag for me? How much should I let my fear of the future weigh on this decision? And how normal is it to feel like this in light of my fears and doubts? I feel like it's very difficult to discern what's normal in a relationship when you have no good home model of what a "good" relationship is.

 

I used to think this is just the way relationships go. You find someone who you love, who loves you, who will stand by you and the rest doesn't really matter even though that means you'll never have that "joy" or ecstasy that might come from feeling like you're with the "one". Is it an illusion or am I deluding myself into thinking it's real because I don't want to put the work into this relationship that it would take to get us back to a good place considering the LDR aspect? Sorry for the multiple questions...

 

The red flags have to do with her behaviours and the gut instinct is your reaction to those red flags.

 

I don't know if it's an illusion or not. It's perfectly normal to have doubts without red flags. It's also perfectly normal to have doubts about your feelings - just because.

 

Only you can answer if you're willing to put in the effort to make things work- I think by taking a break you are figuring that out, you know? That's what a break is.

 

Has she done anything to make you question what you have?

 

Honestly, sometimes we just grow out of the people we are with. It's hard to rationalize why it happens- and even harder when the person should seem perfect to us, but doesn't.

 

Maybe this is simply a matter of falling out of love with her, and feeling guilty about it because you don't have any real reason.

[lordWilhelm]

You may be confusing the fears coming from your dad's experience with fears and doubts about her. I haven't heard anything from you so far about why you want to break up with her other than these nebulous fears and lack of perfect communication. Are you perhaps idealizing what communication and relationships should be like? Because they're not all rosy and perfect all of the time, there's many times when it's just downright tough.

 

But you say there were trust issues in the past. You've already broken up a couple of times and are now on a "break". If there are good reasons for these breaks, then this is a red flag that perhaps this relationship isn't meant to last. But if you were acting on nebulous fears and doubts that you can't point to, perhaps you are doing the exact same mistake that your dad has been doing and you're becoming a bit of a commitment-phobe yourself.

 

Anyways, to address your OP. You were asking about the "breaking-up procedure". Well, you're already taking time to evaluate the relationship -- if you decide breaking-up is the way to go, then you should talk to her in person (three years or whatever deserves a face-to-face). And of course it's going to make an alarm come up for her, but you don't exactly want to keep the break-up a surprise either.

Edited August 19, 2010 by lordWilhelm