fishman3226 Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 This is pure evil.... My ex broke up with me a week ago under the auspices of "I need time and space...." yeah right. ANyway, I tried talking and so on ultimately I got the real truth out of her: She tells me that the reason that she does not want to be with me is because I have two kids from a previous marriage I see once a fortnight and that I would not be able to dedicate enough of myself physically, emotionally and financially to making a good and strong family with her. Mind you, she knows nothing of what it is to raise children - hell, she could not even hold a baby until she met me. I have offered this girl the world in terms of tryignt o help her grow and this is what she comes back to me with? I want to now turn any semblnce of love for her into pure hate. I loath to look at her now. Maybe this is because I am tired, but I am repulsed to think of the effort I put into this woman to have it thrown into my face so calously. Dumb thing is that I want her to listen to me to prove her wrong. Should I even bother or kick her arse out into the street and watch her life fall into ruin like it should be? I know I love her and would have her back? Should I? Why should I? Why should I not? Sometims there is pure callous evil - what else do you call it? - in this world.
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 you should want her back, thats natural, but shoud you go after her, no, look for someone who doesnt have the inhibitions that she had.
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 Now you know why women lie, and sugarcoat the real reasons they break up with you. Don't ask questions next time, you'll always get something you didn't want to hear. You went from dissapointed and inquisitive to hating and loathing.
midori Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Now you know why women lie, and sugarcoat the real reasons they break up with you. Don't ask questions next time, you'll always get something you didn't want to hear. You went from dissapointed and inquisitive to hating and loathing. How about why people often lie when they break up with others? I know lots of men who are unable to give real reasons when they end a relationship. Fishman, I'm sorry this has happened to you, but let's face it, better to know this about her now than after you'd married her. Some people are very superficial when it comes to their plans for the future. They live according to cliched ideas about White Barbie Weddings, How Much He'll Adore Me When I Bear His First Child, etc. They don't know that you can love your children from your first marriage with all your heart and love your new partner with all your heart simultaneously. They don't want to share the spotlight, or ever have to worry about whether or not they're #1 with you. I think it's a sign of immaturity and insecurity. My boyfriend adores his son. He has joint custody, and since ours is a new relationship I don't get to see him when he's with his little boy (too soon, we haven't even discussed it yet, and there are other complicating factors). I sure wish I could spend more time with him than I do at the moment, but I don't for a minute resent him or his son for the constraints on our time together. On the contrary, it's one of the things that really impress me about him, his ability to devote himself utterly to another person. So many men are ambivalent or unconcerned about their kids; they're selfish, basically. To know ahead of time that my boyfriend is capable of much more than that is great. Your ex doesn't see that in you, probably because she's too worried that you're not 100% focused on her. Whatever. You're much better off without. Let her find an "un-used" guy with no prior attachments, and take her chances that he'd be a good partner and parent. You want someone who can appreciate the fine qualities you're demonstrating when you regularly spend time with your kids.
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by midori How about why people often lie when they break up with others? Pardon me. It was a commentary on the fallacious illusion that knowing why someone broke up with you will help you get over it--not an attack on women.
SoleMate Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 Fishman, I sympathize with your pain, but am confused as to how you can call your ex evil. She made her decision, which she had every right to do, and left you - no cheating, right? She gave you a vague non-reason to spare the ugly discussion - then you insisted and got the real reason, which you got extremely angry about. And now you're determined to hate her. What could she have done differently? Or is it the case that anyone who cares about you and changes their mind deserves to be despised? May I suggest that you are so hate-filled because at the core, you're afraid that your two kids will somehow keep you from ever finding a woman again. It's not true - but the anger you are carefully fermenting will work well at keeping good women out of your life. BTW - you should not have her back unless you're willing to turn your back on your children. I agree with midori that stepfamilies, even noncustodial, can be made to work - but now with this lady. Before you give your heart away again, let the lady know right upfront about the kids and ask her to think about a future with them. It will save you both time and pain.
Author fishman3226 Posted February 17, 2004 Author Posted February 17, 2004 I think it's a sign of immaturity and insecurity. I was sitting there and I thought "stuff it" and showed her the post. SHe completely agreed after I had a serious talk with her. She says she does not love me but you can see in her eyes that every time she says that she is lying to me and to herself. I am not going to hate her (thougt I think it would be easier) I think that I will 'keep the door ajar' and see what happens. She has depression and never has seen the sunnyday for the clouds. Once, just once, I wish she would stop and say "this is good." SHe will coming crawling back to me.
morrigan Posted February 17, 2004 Posted February 17, 2004 It's better for someone to end a relationship because they can't/don't want to deal with a partner's family issues (kids) rather than get married and regret it. Get over hating her--I don't think she did anything truly evil. You deserve to be with someone who will accept your kids and accept that you are a good father and have responsibilities.
Author fishman3226 Posted February 17, 2004 Author Posted February 17, 2004 Problem is since the last post I told her how I really felt, i howled and cried how hurt I was and how I felt used and so on. After that she broke down and is exhibiting all the love and affection and intimacy that she showed all thru the relaitonship. (she is moving out on Sunday.) Talk about confusing signals. I am thinking that as she suffers from depression, maybe the statement about my kids is a cover for the fact that the reason she wants to leave is for her own internal struggles. Struggles I am more than prepared to aid her in. I have attempted so many times to get her help but she just moves away from it (professional help.) What does one do when you hear "i love you" - especially when they are snuggling into your chest and looking at you with eyes that hold only comfort and contentment? I am under no illusion that she might not come back - hell, I am doing all those ritual things of moving on, it is just this gut feeling based upon knowing her that she will come back - hell, she even is saying that one month after she moves out then we will meet for cuddles..... whatever that means. And if she dont, then her loss. ANd that is the hardest thing of all.
midori Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 Originally posted by fishman3226 Talk about confusing signals. I am thinking that as she suffers from depression, maybe the statement about my kids is a cover for the fact that the reason she wants to leave is for her own internal struggles. Struggles I am more than prepared to aid her in. I have attempted so many times to get her help but she just moves away from it (professional help.) This is possible, but I'd be cautious about dismissing her description of her problem for your interpretation of what's really going on with her, especially since your interpretation is remarkably similar to wishful thinking. What does one do when you hear "i love you" - especially when they are snuggling into your chest and looking at you with eyes that hold only comfort and contentment? In that moment there's "I love you." But there are other moments, when apparently that's not how she feels. Some people are really inconsistent. One of the biggest mistakes I made was to assume that everyone means what they say at any given moment just because I don't express something unless I really mean it -- now, tomorrow, and next week. It's not for you to say what's behind her inconsistencies. Yes, maybe it is depression. If it is clinical depression, you can't count on it being fully resolved ever. Depression is treatable, but make no mistake: it's a long road and the outcome is not guaranteed. If you two stay together, how will you feel three years from now, when she's still periodically rejecting you and never allowing you to feel secure in the relationship? Would you want your kids to be exposed to such instability? Would you want to have more kids with someone so inconstant? In short, how long could you tolerate this kind of thing? Good luck. It's really hard to let go of someone you love, I know.
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