November-Rain Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I posted about 4 months agao, in regards to an affair I was having, which eventually I was caught. Being caught of course was something immensely difficult I had to endure, due to the fact I hurt so many people I love. I brought out a side to my husband I had never seen before, he turned to alcohol and became abusive towards my children and me. I have to add that he promised he would not touch alcohol any longer, and to this day he has kept his promise. I recieved much needed advice as well as some hurtful and non-productive ones as well. I continue my counseling and he sees a peer counsler through his job. If I have not mentioned in prior posts on how thankful I am for some of your advice, I am doing so now....Thank you! I would like some advice again, I have continued NC with the OM. I am seperated from my husband. We do see each other everyday and spend a lot of time together with our children. We have even gone as far as having a date night once a week. We are working on maybe reconciling and eventually my husband moving back home again very soon. Now, my issue is I have flashbacks every so often on some of the violent acts my husband did, it causes great anxiety on my part, and it still scares me to think it will be repeated again. To be fair, I know he has ugly visual images of OM and myself which cause him to feel insecure and of course doubt some of my whearabouts as well as my behavior towards him. What I mean is, I am not completely at the point where I feel closeness or desire for intimacy. Our goal is to work things out for the sake of our children. We also don't want to divorce. My question is: Should we begin to live as a family again? Or is it still too soon?
bentnotbroken Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Glad to hear the update and that you and the children are safe. Have you and your husband discussed him moving home with the counselor? What is his take on the situation? Are the children in a safe place mentally for him to come home? You both will have flashbacks, but if you are sure you both want to reconcile, then you will both need to learn how to deal with the flashbacks as a couple. That's a pretty deep commitment. It will require a lot from both of you.
Confused4Now Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Well I pray for you...as I do remember your story. I will have to give you credit for hanging in there but from what I remember your husband did some unforgivable things. For those who don't remember http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2778189&postcount=53 My take in all of this. You have gotten the OM completely out of your life. You want to keep you marriage together. Both of you working together so you can come together someday or sooner. Just be careful....Abuse is abuse....what he's shown is he is capable of snapping when things really go bad. It really has been that long either. I think you should still take your time....and abuser can be good for a long time. oh and keep the liquor out of the house.
lilbunny Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I know that you must feel that you did wrong and perhaps that is why you are able to put aside your husband's past behaviour. Of course it depends on the extent of what happened, but please remember you have stated that this man was abusive towards your children. No matter how angry or upset he was with you I find it hard to come up with any excuse or justification for taking out anger and frustration on absolute innocents in the whole situation. Whatever the cause, these behaviours did come to the surface. I hope I don't seem harsh, all any of us can do is offer our own views. If you are questioning it then you must have reservations. In your shoes I would be very cautious.
JustJoe Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 November, I'm very glad that you, your kids and your H are safe. But I'm of the opinion that it is too soon for you to live together, while the memories of his abuse and your adultery are still vivid.
bentnotbroken Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Mini T/J: For all those interested in NR husband. While it is really soon after his behavior to be confident in his actions...it is not only possible, but very likely...if this is something he wants to do....to never abuse again. There are coping skills(his were just as poor as NR with the marital issues and affair)to teach one how to respond properly to adversity. Identification of triggers, past issues and dealing with suppressed frustration can all lead to a calmer demeanor in dealing with the stress of building a new marriage. He will always be an abuser(just a recovering abuser), but he doesn't have to abuse. Yes, children sometimes get caught in the fallout...there is no reason and no excuse...but it does happen. NR, I would suggest that you two make sure that his anger is dealt with as extensively as your infidelity should be. You two need to learn to trust each other and that will take time. Go slow. It is in every one's best interest. Just a word from a recovering abuser.
NancyBotwin Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I don't think four months is long enough to master the coping skills required. I think anger management and marriage counseling are prerequisite before attempting to reconcile in the primary residence.
bentnotbroken Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I don't think four months is long enough to master the coping skills required. I think anger management and marriage counseling are prerequisite before attempting to reconcile in the primary residence. We completely agree. But if one waits for mastering instead of steady improvement based on belief that the action is wrong and change is what is wanted, he will never go home. Only NR and her husband(I pray with the help of therapy)can know when the time is right, but I am not sure that is best for any of them right now.
Angel1111 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) I totally agree with the others who are saying that it's too soon to get back together. My other concern is also for your children. What is the message that you'll be sending them by going back to a man who abused them? This is something to be very, very careful about. You can unwittingly send the message to your children that you won't protect them, and that's not something you want to do. The fact that your H has never been abusive is a good sign, although I would completely lose respect for a man who lost control like this. I know that what you did was bad, but that doesn't excuse what he did. Also, I don't know how long the two of you were married, or what made you feel so bad about yourself that you wanted to have an affair. And even if your H wasn't physically abusive before, I'm guessing that he was verbally abusive. I've been with an abusive spouse and I lived and studied this subject in-depth. I know that the potential for these people to change is very, very slim. I know a lot of people hold hope but the fact is the statistics show otherwise. I think it's somewhere around 2%. It is nearly impossible for an abusive person to change. And if your H was already verbally abusive, then it was just a matter of time before the physical stuff started. If you're feeling pressured for him to move back in, I'm guessing that pressure is coming from him, even if it's subtle. Just be very careful with these men. They are amazing actors and they will do and say anything to get you back. And once they do, the bad stuff starts up all over again, only worse. Also be aware that there are a lot of therapists out there who simply do not understand abusive relationships and they can dish out devastatingly bad advice. So you're going to need to really listen to your instincts more than anything else. Edited to add: I just read the post that C4N referenced. You know, it's very common for abusers to use alcohol as an excuse, and to say they don't remember anything. Very common. What I do wonder about is why you left your children with a man who just went nuts? Please be careful about this kind of thing in the future. Oh, and btw, any time a man threatened to kill me or my children, he'd never get another chance to share the same space with me again. Not to mention the degrading sexual things he has done to you. And in case you're still wondering, no you didn't deserve to be treated that way. The priest was right on the button. Just my thoughts. Edited August 18, 2010 by Angel1111
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