Drummergirl_23 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Ok, a short back-story. My ex of 2 1/2 years dumped me about 3 months ago and was apparently with someone new a few weeks later. They are still together. Of course, I am utterly distraught as I can't even FATHOM being with someone else so quickly. I tried to date but it left me depressed and thinking more and more about the ex. So I've given up on that for now and decided to just focus on other things. But this news just blows my mind. Now I know some of you will say it's just a rebound or just a substitute for the void, blah blah. At this point, all that is irrelavent to me. What I would really like to know is why is it that people like me seem to be suckers, not able to move on and not able to even THINK of another person and some people can just quickly forget and be with someone else? I mean am I just pathetic or are they just heartless? I have never understood how a person can shut off their emotions for one person and weeks later be "happy" with someone new? Is there something I'm missing? Is there some way that I can benefit from this myself? It makes me angry to think I'm the one who had their heart ripped from their chest and they get to laugh and be happy and act like nothing cause they have something new and I'm still left a wreck.
lunita Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 First of all, you are not a sucker. You are someone with a huge heart and I hope you never change that. As for your ex, it looks like they may have started to loose interest far before you knew what was going on which makes it easier to move on. Plus, sometimes people just can't be alone because they don't like who they are. So they fill up the void by just adding someone else to their lives. In the long run, I don't think it will work. Try to focus on taking care of yourself and staying busy. Work out, eat healthy, go to the gym, go get massages, take up new classes, hang out with friends and family. Try not to worry about your ex's self destructive behavior. If you stick to your plan of improving yourself, you will be guaranteed long term happiness. Your ex....not so much.
White Dove Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Ok, a short back-story. My ex of 2 1/2 years dumped me about 3 months ago and was apparently with someone new a few weeks later. They are still together. Of course, I am utterly distraught as I can't even FATHOM being with someone else so quickly. I tried to date but it left me depressed and thinking more and more about the ex. So I've given up on that for now and decided to just focus on other things. But this news just blows my mind. Now I know some of you will say it's just a rebound or just a substitute for the void, blah blah. At this point, all that is irrelavent to me. What I would really like to know is why is it that people like me seem to be suckers, not able to move on and not able to even THINK of another person and some people can just quickly forget and be with someone else? I mean am I just pathetic or are they just heartless? I have never understood how a person can shut off their emotions for one person and weeks later be "happy" with someone new? Is there something I'm missing? Is there some way that I can benefit from this myself? It makes me angry to think I'm the one who had their heart ripped from their chest and they get to laugh and be happy and act like nothing cause they have something new and I'm still left a wreck. You're not a sucker for not being able to move on - sometimes it takes longer to get over someone especially when you're dumped. It could be that the relationship meant more to you than your BF. Could it be that for him, the relationship was over before he actually had the courage to end it? Getting over a break up takes time. At the time when my ex broke up with me, I had the same thoughts and honestly, I wasted my time thinking about them. Focus on yourself - get yourself busy. They may seem happy la di da, but hey you never know... they could be unhappy behind closed doors.
Nappeal Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I agree that you are niether a sucker, nor is he quite 'heartless'. He was probably mentally checked out of the relationship long before you realized there was a problem. In his mind, he decided some time ago that for whatever reason, he no longer wanted to continue the relationship. You however, were left blindsided. Now this person you loved is seemingly so happy w this new person. Its never easy to accept, but more often then not, that is the case w most break-ups. It really is a waste to ponder on these kinds of things as you're only going to drive yourself mad. Please make time for yourself
ShannonMI Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I totally understand what you are saying. I've asked the same things about my ex. He broke up with me after an 8 year realtionship. I don't think he's moved on with someone else yet, but he sure isn't hurting like I am. I asked him "how do you just stop loving someone?" "How do you stop missing someone?" I don't get it. His reply was that he "just changed and it's not your fault." How do people shut their feelings off like a light switch? When you thought everything was good in the relationship. Maybe he checked out of the realtionship months ago, so it's easy for him to move on. Who knows. Men are different then women. Women are a lot more emotional then men. And who knows if he's really happy with this new person. In the case of my ex, he didn't like how comfortable our 8 year relationship became and he thought we had lost the steamy "passion" part of our relationship that we had when we first got together. I tried to tell him relationships change and that the passionate new relationship feelings fade and a deeper love and commitment comes into play. He didn't want to hear that of course. Maybe your ex feels the same way. Maybe he needs that new relationship feeling and in time he'll discover that he made a mistake letting you go. I say take your time with moving on. Don't rush into dating anyone. Just try to heal your heart. That's what I'm doing.
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 The possibility that for them, the relationship was over months before it actually ended hurts me even more and infuriates me at the same time. That's such a selfish act, to be with someone you know is madly in love with you, knowing also that you don't feel the same and want out. I really just can't understand it. I've been crying my eyes out all day. Knowing that someone else is in my place right now... Its probably the worst feeling I've ever experienced. What's bad is that my ex still finds reasons to text me almost every week. It mostly small talk. One morning at 6:30 I get a text saying "My friend just committed suicide." I didn't even know the friend and this was well into the break-up and we hadn't had a real conversation in months and I get that? So of course, what could I do? I consoled, gave nice words. Then back to nothing. My plan now is to have no further contact whatsoever, even though I haven't been the one initiating contact. I mean, how can a person be so insensitive and text me knowing that I'm still not over everything?
White Dove Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 So of course, what could I do? I consoled, gave nice words. Then back to nothing. My plan now is to have no further contact whatsoever, even though I haven't been the one initiating contact. I mean, how can a person be so insensitive and text me knowing that I'm still not over everything? It is probably out of your character but it is best to leave it be when he texts you again. He doesn't deserve your attention right now, or ever again.
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Shannon, I'm very sorry to hear your situation. Mine was only 2 and a half years, I can't even imagine investing 8 years with someone and having that happen. I'm so discouraged and feel like I keep dating these people who do things like this. I'm not even angry about the break up. I am beyond hurt but I understand that just because I am in love with someone doesn't mean that they have to love me back in the same way. I just think that when you share your life with someone for that long, a bit of sensitivity is the least you can offer. And if the relationship was over long before it ended, obviously honesty was missing from the relationship anyway. I am going to try my best to not initiate contact and ignore any messages I might receive. The only way to move on is cold turkey I suppose. It just hurts. Really really bad.
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Plus, I think it's my fault I haven't moved on as much as I could be. Deep down inside, I was excited when I recieved that weekly, mundane text message. Like a pathetic dog waiting for a bone. I never said anything or pushed the issue at all, but now I'm left devastated and a little angry at myself for being so stupid.
ShannonMI Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 The idea that he checked out of the realtionship and didn't tell you is really infuriating, I agree. I'm not saying this is the case with your relationship. It's just an idea. The reason people check out and don't inform the other person is probably because they don't want to hurt them. Or they aren't 100% sure they want to end things. My ex, until about a week ago, was sending me random texts as well. About our dog. I was allowing him visitation of the dog because when we split up, I kept him. He would send stupid texts about the dog until I told him not to do it anymore and to forget about the visitations. I told him being in contact, even over trivial things, was too much for me. He still insists someday we can be friends. Keep dreaming buddy! You should stop all contact with your ex. Even if he sends you something, ignore it. My ex told me to contact him when I was ready to be friends and when I could let him see the dog again. Well, I will never want to be just "friends" with him, so he'll be waiting a long long time! Isn't it just so annoying?! I feel for you!
Author Drummergirl_23 Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 You'd be surprised Shannon. Another one of my exes dumped me (see a pattern, lol??) and I was sure we'd NEVER be able to be friends. Then I met my current ex and those old wounds healed. Now, we are the best of friends and talk to each other about all types of things. My current ex...not so sure. I think for some reason, this one is gonna hurt for awhile. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel, I just wish the tunnel didn't have to be so long...
ShannonMI Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Please don't beat yourself up for not moving on fast enough. Everyone gets over things at their own pace. I feel like I will NEVER get over this and I'm sure you feel the same way. We will eventually move on, though. I have faith that I will even if it's 5 years from now! I can relate to feeling excited about receiving text messages too. I would see that he sent me something and I would be excited until I discovered it was about the damn dog! How crappy! I called him out on it and he told me that he didn't ask about my well being because he knew I wanted as little contact as possible. He thought texts about the dog were ok though. It's all just very hard to deal with. I feel like no contact is the way to go for sure.
ShannonMI Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I've been dumped a few times too and it doesn't get any easier, let me tell you! When I met my boyfriend 8 years ago, I thought i was done with all the heartache and had found the one. I was wrong! I still love my ex with all my heart and soul and I do wish I could be friends with him, but I will never just have platonic feelings for him. I know that. I'll always feel more.
Recommended Posts