ladymerlot Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 wow, i think with this post, i will have many angry responses, but here goes: i am a mw who is having an affair with a mm for 7 yrs. i became best friends with his wife the last 4 yrs. my own husband has had over 6 affairs that i know of. so i too have been on the other side. the mm and i will not leave our marriages, and find no threat to each other. the ramifications if found out are duly noted. Life is never what you plan, nor should you deny yourself the very person who makes it worthwhile. you have but one chance to live everything and feel everything. you can have an affair w/o remorse, if you compartmentalise what you do. we are doing the "right" thing by staying with our spouses. i have been married for 25 yrs, he has been married for 31 yrs. history and family ties bind us, and we have each other. the twisted part of all of this, isn't the above, but that my mm wife admitted to having her own affair recently, which i had to give, not only her advice, but my mm when she finally told him. (her choice) it was her first one so she felt a little guilty. thats been my only twisted feeling in all of this. the other part is until now, there was no jealousy. now my mm is lavishing attention on his wife due to her affair, because i told him to. great, i guess i am a real fool. so you see, life is and can be a real mess, but at least i am living it with lots of feelings.
corythosaurus Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 What a tangled web we weave sometimes. I don't envy your position.
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 Was there a question in there? What are you looking for? If everybody is having affairs then nobody should be getting hurt.
Author ladymerlot Posted February 16, 2004 Author Posted February 16, 2004 no, no question, just tons of experience with affairs being done to me, and being in one myself. and to just make note that if you have ever really felt something, whether its fate, a rush of excitement, a temptation, feel it, maybe go for it, life is way to short to deny any or all of it. always doing the "right" thing isn't what living is all about. i was put here to learn and experience, and thats what i am doing. so many people seem so lost. have you ever been in a twisted situation?
Darkangelism Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 me? no, im a 20 yr old virgin, so i dont have those issues.
dyermaker Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 Originally posted by ladymerlot have you ever been in a twisted situation? Yes, of course. I don't think that I remember justifying my actions with a need to experience everything in life, that's what doesn't sit well with me.
quickmorph Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 Your story is fascinating...I can't imagine juggling all those emotions for all those years. Compartmentalizing is fine, but day in and day out....whew! Exhausting....makes me tired just thinking about it. But this certainly isn't aimless promiscuity...they certainly are long-term twisted relationships anyway. Good luck. I don't think you're the fool that you think you are.
jester Posted February 16, 2004 Posted February 16, 2004 You are in an awkward position. Your lover's wife, I assume, is ignorant of your affair with her husband. You and she are best friends: consistent with your obligations to her as a friend, I assume you are counseling her as to how to repair her marriage. You've also given similar marriage strengthening advice to your lover who is, I suspect, more than a a little rattled by his wife's infidelity. Now, you are concerned (anxious, jealous) that your lover and your best friend may, in this post-affair healing process, leave you out in the cold. Seven years is a long time for an affair, and I suspect you and your MM are shadow spouses to each other. The best goal for you is to maintain the relationship geometry: your best friend and lover stay married, and your affair continues with your best friend's husband. If they split up, that might upset the "affair" equilibrium. Your no longer married mm may no longer want to share you with your husband. He, as a single man, may insist that you leave your husband. You also don't want your MM and his wife to come clean with one another and in some emotional catharsis your duplicity is revealed and you lose your lover and a best friend. In short, your best friend's affair has thrown a monkey wrench into your comfortable arrangements. Your MM may feel especially guilty now, with his wife confessing to him, while he knows that he's also betraying the marital vows but, unlike his pennitant wife, has not confessed. Right now, your MM is apt to feel particularly guilty about his "Big Secret;" hence, the lavish attention. Your affair may not survive.
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