Borderline personality disorder - I'm scared!

[tell-me-more]

I've been thinking about a relationship I had almost 10 years ago and I break out in a cold sweat even now.....

 

It was a 3 month r'ship which was a disaster from start to finish and I eventually ran for the hills. I'd stop short of saying she was a psycho but she was hard going.

 

I'm going to "list" all the key red flags and you can tell me if she's a walking time bomb. And let me be claer in saying that I'm far from perfect myself!!

 

1 Her father beat hell out her mother and left when she was 2 years old

2 She didn't meet him again till she was 22. No other male was in the mother's life.

3 She was in an abusive r'ship all her teenage years.

4 She's now in her 40's and has had many many boyfriends

5 Has 2 kids to 2 fathers

6 Never married but twice engaged but not to the fathers of her kids

7 Has been pregnant to two other guys ( plus trying with one other )

8 On our first date, she told me how her son was conceived ) Seriously!

9 No real internal filter re personal sex details

10 Very mannerly one minute then swears like a sailor the next

11 Very cold with some people and loved up with others

12 Neurotic about her body ( she was a stunner )

13 A sexual goddess. No sexual barriers whatsoever

14 Very anal sex play. Every intimate encounter involved her butt.

15 In the last 10 years she's had 12 relationships with 9 guys ( 3 guys twice, including me! )

16 We hooked up earlier this year but dropped me for someone else

 

 

I could go on but that'll do for the moment. She could be lovely company but then again she could be truly awful Needless to say, I never intrduced her to my family! So, what do you think. Misunderstood or was I right that she has BPD?

[Green]

I've been thinking about a relationship I had almost 10 years ago and I break out in a cold sweat even now.....

 

It was a 3 month r'ship which was a disaster from start to finish and I eventually ran for the hills. I'd stop short of saying she was a psycho but she was hard going.

 

I'm going to "list" all the key red flags and you can tell me if she's a walking time bomb. And let me be claer in saying that I'm far from perfect myself!!

 

1 Her father beat hell out her mother and left when she was 2 years old

2 She didn't meet him again till she was 22. No other male was in the mother's life.

3 She was in an abusive r'ship all her teenage years.

4 She's now in her 40's and has had many many boyfriends

5 Has 2 kids to 2 fathers

6 Never married but twice engaged but not to the fathers of her kids

7 Has been pregnant to two other guys ( plus trying with one other )

8 On our first date, she told me how her son was conceived ) Seriously!

9 No real internal filter re personal sex details

10 Very mannerly one minute then swears like a sailor the next

11 Very cold with some people and loved up with others

12 Neurotic about her body ( she was a stunner )

13 A sexual goddess. No sexual barriers whatsoever

14 Very anal sex play. Every intimate encounter involved her butt.

15 In the last 10 years she's had 12 relationships with 9 guys ( 3 guys twice, including me! )

16 We hooked up earlier this year but dropped me for someone else

 

 

I could go on but that'll do for the moment. She could be lovely company but then again she could be truly awful Needless to say, I never intrduced her to my family! So, what do you think. Misunderstood or was I right that she has BPD?

 

Number 4 (kids) & 5 (40's) are the main reason I wouldn't date her. Number 16 (you got dumped) is the reason you are writing this thread.

 

I think you need to move on and not worry about it. You dated her twice so if she is that bad you really need to examine yourself.

[PandorasBox]

I agree with Green. I think she did you a favor actually. Be glad, and try to move on the best you can. You don't need that in your life.

[InceptorsRule]

She's hot as hell, she knows how to use her body, and is willing to do so.

 

Therefore she never ever has to grow up.

 

 

She's been trading on her sexuality for her entire life and can and will continue to do so for the rest of her life, or as long as she can, which will probably be at least another ten years.

 

She's an entirely typical female, only "more so" because she's super hot and super sexual, uninhibited.

 

Many women are like this (I mean the insanely immature selfishness component).

 

 

However, most women do not have the super-high level of sexuality to bring to the table that your ex does.

Edited August 17, 2010 by InceptorsRule

[Green]

She's hot as hell, she knows how to use her body, and is willing to do so.

 

Therefore she never ever has to grow up.

 

 

She's been trading on her sexuality for her entire life and can and will continue to do so for the rest of her life, or as long as she can, which will probably be at least another ten years.

 

She's an entirely typical female, only "more so" because she's super hot and super sexual, uninhibited.

 

Many women are like this (I mean the insanely immature selfishness component).

 

 

However, most women do not have the super-high level of sexuality to bring to the table that your ex does.

 

I'd like to add that he doesn't sound "scared!" as he put it but angry about losing her.

 

Like I said I don't like women with 1) kids 2) over 40... but the rest of the stuff sounds rather typical for a woman.

 

Plus it sounds like he just wants to worship the sex godess herself a little more.

[meerkat stew]

Many people exhibit disordered traits without the full-blown disorder, and armchair diagnoses aren't productive as they keep us dwelling on them and the damage they did to us rather than us. Try to leave diagnosing to the professionals.

 

If you ever do date a woman who tells you she is a diagnosed borderline, unless she is in constant treatment that has been going on for years, get out then and there, don't even stop to think about it. Seriously.

 

That said, nothing you type indicates BPD, more HPD traits. There is usually overlap and co-morbidity though.

[Art_Critic]

She dumps you so therefore she must have BPD....

 

You are not qualified to diagnose a mental illness such as BPD and here you are ripping her apart because she rejected you..

 

Just count your blessings that you are not still with her.. because by the sounds of it if she hadn't of dumped you you would still be with her.

 

She sounds like a mess..

[Feelin Frisky]

I had a two-year stormy relationship with a beauty who I later understood to have borderline personality disorder. She had things in common with the above itemized female but was quite different overall. One thing she had was that hotness, dug @ss-play, knew how to use her body and mine to achieve virtually unlimited orgasms.

 

But.

 

Out of bed she was a collection of personality fragments--guilty of betrayals by one fragment only to have another fragment take over and have no knowledge or understanding of how hurtful she had just been. I was therefore always being maneuvered into sounding like a scolding person as if I just decided to be mean out of a clear blue sky. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

 

I wanted to be and stay happy. It was always her fragmentation into the untrusting, the judgemental, the arrogant, the sneering, the defensive, the denying innocent that brought darkness, dysfunction and tragedy to my life. It was a roller-coaster of agony out of bed and ecstasy in it--like a drug you had to keep withdrawing from only to give in again for tremendous satisfaction leading to another sobering round of horrid withdrawal symptoms.

 

If I would have understood that she had this "complex", I would not have kept trying to reason with her. My consistency of reason was my own undoing as I was repeating the same efforts--expecting different results. I realized though it was hopeless and I closed her out of my life--actually moving away so that she couldn't find me. I then sought professional help for myself for what damage I had been through and how hard I was taking it. Beware of the thorns beneath the rose.

[tell-me-more]

Thanks for all your replies. I'm taking on board all your messages.

 

Yes I understand that I'm not a professional and I've no business labelling her as BPD but I quickly found myself out my depth with her. But seeing as i know her well I'll wager many many dollars ( or pounds! ) that her current r'ship will flounder and that i'll get a call or text to see if I'm interested. And yes, I'd be stupid to get involved again.

 

Feelin Frisky......100% understand where you're coming from. The delicate strands that made up the r'ship were hard to work out. I felt that there wasn't a "real her" just a mish mash of personas......But she was a sensational f**k !!!

[Feelin Frisky]

...Feelin Frisky......100% understand where you're coming from. The delicate strands that made up the r'ship were hard to work out. I felt that there wasn't a "real her" just a mish mash of personas......But she was a sensational f**k !!!

 

Exactly....

[zengirl]

Borderline personality disorder is the most dangerous. I have a friend who dated a true borderline. Absolute nutter. (Her, and by the end of it, him.) He took years to recover.

[Art_Critic]

There is a great book called "Stop walking on eggshells"

It is written for someone who is in a relationship with someone who has BPD..

I found this book helpful in my first marriage..

It helped me understand things when I was living in the fog of a BPD...when I had no idea which end was up and I thought I was the crazy one.

[Green]

There is a great book called "Stop walking on eggshells"

It is written for someone who is in a relationship with someone who has BPD..

I found this book helpful in my first marriage..

It helped me understand things when I was living in the fog of a BPD...when I had no idea which end was up and I thought I was the crazy one.

 

Time and time again I see guys (my friends included) dating crazy girls.

[tell-me-more]

Thanks to all for the useful feedback. I won't deny I still have feelings for her. But only her sane persona. But the chequered past puts me right off. She's baggage on legs.....

 

Thought of something else last night, all through her dating history she's never dated someone with kids ( bit of a paradox bearing in mind she has two of her own ) and now she's dating someone with a young daughter. Interesting dynamic for her to face.....She won't be the centre of attention anymore!

[goodgrief]

Pity his daughter if it gets serious......

[Simon Attwood]

Time and time again I see guys (my friends included) dating crazy girls.

 

The thing about people with personality disorders like this (I won't say BPD because I loath taxonomies and have learned that there is so much more to emotional dysfunction, that the classifications in DSM IV obscure and detract from) is that at first, they are very good at being attractive and almost addictive. To them, at the beginning, you are perfect. Their behaviour towards you and the way it lifts you is very easy to get attached to. After a while though, the imperfections that they cannot confront in themselves, look for a home in you. You slowly, over time, but sometimes quickly, can go from perfect to being the personification of all the things they hate about themselves. you go from being put on a pedestal of love, to being the sum of everything they hate about their own nature.

 

It can be a very scary place to be.

[tell-me-more]

Thanks Simon

 

I can relate your posting to my ex quite easily. Her last relationship was on-off 4 times in 6 years ( plus she had one other r'ship in that time ) so I was put off by the lack of continuity in her life.

 

We did swap approx 600 texts earlier this year before we parted. New guy is a nice chap, a safe choice I suppose. But I think it's a rebound relationship.

 

Not sure why I've waited nearly 10 years to fathom out her actions. But I'm too old for the histrionics so if she gets back in touch I'm sure I'll have the sense to turn her down

[tell-me-more]

I know I'm re-hashing an old posting but I'm still getting texts from this ex and I don't what she's after.

 

Just to remind you she's been in a new r'ship since May. I had a couple of texts from her in June and I replied. But another text appeared last week.

She was in our fav coffee shop, it's where we met nearly 10 years ago. She said that the place didn't seem the same without me there and that she misses me, thinks about me often, and always will. her son often asks for me.

 

I didn't reply just in case it's a game. But it's odd if she's got a new guy. Is this a regret issue or is she keeping me hanging on. Was I right to not reply?

[Simon Attwood]

From what i have read, I would say that the only chance this woman will ever be able to have a stable relationship is if she sets herself about admitting her problem(s) and enters herself in to a long course in some kind of therapy like MBCT.

 

if you want to carry on for the ride on her emotionally rollercoaster, if you think you've got the mettle, if you are ready to put yourself through such punishment, then follow it up again.

 

Otherwise, walk away.

[EasyHeart]

I wasted two years of my life trying to have an adult relationship with a woman who was emotionally a child. I was accused of everything imaginable and called every name in the book, and no matter what happened she had an incredible ability for making me believe everything was my fault. I was a basketcase when she got through with me.

 

BPDs are not capable of having a healthy relationship. There is nothing you could have done differently or better. A BPD will never leave you alone; she will keep coming back into your life whenever she feels lonely unless you cut her out of your life completely. I think it's telling that there are very few psychologists who will even attempt to treat someone with BPD; the treatment is all for their victims.

 

Run as fast as you can and never look back.

[lilbunny]

I wasted two years of my life trying to have an adult relationship with a woman who was emotionally a child. I was accused of everything imaginable and called every name in the book, and no matter what happened she had an incredible ability for making me believe everything was my fault. I was a basketcase when she got through with me.

 

BPDs are not capable of having a healthy relationship. There is nothing you could have done differently or better. A BPD will never leave you alone; she will keep coming back into your life whenever she feels lonely unless you cut her out of your life completely. I think it's telling that there are very few psychologists who will even attempt to treat someone with BPD; the treatment is all for their victims.

 

Run as fast as you can and never look back.

 

It wasn't your fault, but it wasn't hers either. People do not choose to suffer from BPD, difficultly accepting treatment and trusting professionals are part of the condition.

 

I am sorry you have had this difficult experience, but evidence points to many suffers seeing a reduction or complete absence of symptoms from their 30s onwards, perhaps because their lives are more stable. It can also be associated with particular stages in life. To say 'victims' implies malicious intent. This is an illness, nobody would actively choose to be that way. You are right that sometimes NC is best for both parties.

 

From the tone of your post I am guessing you haven't fully healed, I hope that you are able to let go of some of your anger towards this person.

 

OP- what you have described does not sound like BPD. Is she receiving any sort of treatment? Have you suggested this?

[Star Gazer]

She dumps you so therefore she must have BPD....

 

You are not qualified to diagnose a mental illness such as BPD and here you are ripping her apart because she rejected you..

 

TEN YEARS AGO too! And it was only a 3 month relationship!

 

Me thinks she's not the one who has issues here...

[Cee]

TEN YEARS AGO too! And it was only a 3 month relationship!

 

Me thinks she's not the one who has issues here...

 

I totally agree. It sounds like you are addicted to her and have been re-enacting the brief relationship in your head for a decade. That's a form of love addiction.

[tell-me-more]

Well well, a few interesting replies !

 

Simon & EasyHeart- yes it was an up and down business. And I'm keeping my distance for the meantime. I've gone NC for 6 weeks and letting her do the texting

 

Lilbunny - no I haven't healed but no, I don't have any anger. Just confused regarding her recent texts

 

Star Gazer & Cee You're both right. I'm not over her. But let's not forget that we had another r'ship earlier this year. Plus, she's now in a new r'ship and still texts me. Just looking for answers. If she was 100% happy with this new guy then she wouldn't unload sentimental texts on me.

My bet is she'll be back in touch soon, her new guy is a rebound. At a guess, she's opted for Mr Good Enough and one day she'll wake up and realise that it doesn't cut the mustard

 

But thanks again for the postings

[thrownaway]

I wasted two years of my life trying to have an adult relationship with a woman who was emotionally a child. I was accused of everything imaginable and called every name in the book, and no matter what happened she had an incredible ability for making me believe everything was my fault. I was a basketcase when she got through with me.

 

BPDs are not capable of having a healthy relationship. There is nothing you could have done differently or better. A BPD will never leave you alone; she will keep coming back into your life whenever she feels lonely unless you cut her out of your life completely. I think it's telling that there are very few psychologists who will even attempt to treat someone with BPD; the treatment is all for their victims.

 

Run as fast as you can and never look back.

 

 

Myself and my ex bf saw a psychologist, and every time the doctor saw me alone, he made a point to always bring up the fact that my bf (at the time) would NEVER change, that he didn't want to change (he stressed that anyone can change, if they truly had the desire)... and that I needed to leave him... so the majority of our one-on-one sessions were consumed with him telling me to get out of the relationship. My ex was also physically abusive and is 40 years old, we just broke up last month. I have known him for almost 20 years. I had heard rumors in the past that he was abusive, but what I lived with was far worse than the rumors I had heard about him.

 

 

evidence points to many suffers seeing a reduction or complete absence of symptoms from their 30s onwards

 

From personal experience, I'd have to say their research may have been... 'tainted'?

 

 

 

The phsychologist told me that he saw many couples in similar scenario's regularly and he tells them to just get out, run far away. Most stay and try to work on it... but there is nothing to work on because you will always lose and it always gets worse. Said he often got phone calls from people later on thanking him after they do finally break up. I felt like making that call myself after I left, he was right, it only got worse. Silly me.

 

 

They will drive you around in circles and make you uber dizzy... when you start figuring out their patterns, you try to point out that things are going to get bad... they ignore you, and lo and behold, right when you predicted it..... another 'episode'.

Edited September 2, 2010 by thrownaway