redfeather Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 My wife and I are seperated and seeing a MC, and it was my wife that moved out about two months ago. The MC is around 60 years old and divorced. The last sesson we had was last friday, and the MC stated that he was neither for us staying together, and neither for us getting divorced...in other words he was just a mediator. I am not super knowledgeable on MC, but it seems like we would be better seeing a MC that was pro marriage. This MC seems okay, but I was just looking for other peoples feedback. My wife and I have been married 16 years, and we have a 14 year old son at home. There have been no affairs, no drug alcohol addictions, etc. I am curious about other LS folks reports on using MC, and is it best to get a MC that is pro marriage, or does that not make any difference. Thanks in advance.
worlybear Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 If you are not comfortable with the m.c. then I would suggest you find another one. It may be that you need to meet several before you feel comfortable enough to discuss everything. Personally I think that a good m.c. is someone who will give you impartial advice and mediate. He/She is there in a listening role and will encourage both parties to decide the way forward for them. It is not the m.c's role to be for or against the marriage-just to listen and mediate between the couple.Good Luck!
anne1707 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Worly is right. A good MC is not there to judge or push their views on your marriage. They should be unbiased and provide a safe arena for you both to work through your problems and decide what you want. If this counsellor does not feel right, ask/look for another. If your current counsellor is professional in their attitude then they should understand that and certainly not take it personally.
YellowShark Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I went through three MCs before we eventually found one that was competent. They are only human and like mechanics or doctors, some are great.. and some are simply unhelpful. If you're not happy, go to another one.
anne1707 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 A good MC for you could well answer all those questions in a very similar way to one that you feel is bad for you. When my H and I first started MC, after 3 sessions, I asked to change counsellors. I just found that he was "not working for me" - I felt as if I was being attacked and that everything was being said in favour of my H. Anyway we changed counsellors - the new counsellor asked as good as identical questions to the first but I had no problem with her whatsoever. It was all down to the way she asked and whether I liked her (and the MC worked for my H and I). These are not the kind of things you are going to get from asking a long list of questions as you have suggested. Counsellors may agree on theory and practice but personality is another matter completely.
goodgrief Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 It is both unethical and unprofessional for a MC to be 'for' or 'against' anything. Their stringent training and Job description should see to that. There have been cases where Counsellors have lost their jobs for refusing to either counsel same-sex couples, or because they didn't see eye to eye with the ethics of the religion of the couple in front of them, as it conflicted with their own religion. Neither counsellor lost their jobs because of their preferences or beliefs. The counsellors lost their jobs because they failed to abide by the regulations and job specifications they had originally agreed to and signed. A Counsellor should be completely neutral, and your counsellor was absolutely right to tell you he is neither for nor against your marriage. A Counsellor is an enabler. They provide a stepping board for you to both discuss your issues without rancour, over-emotional input, and with logic and reason. A MC is not there to keep you two together. That's your job, if you both want that. And a MC will enable a discussion where you will both appreciate the other person's standpoint, view and ultimate wish. Even if it does mean your going separate ways. But I would ultimately agree with anne1707 - you have to 'gel' with the counsellor you're with. And for all the right reasons.
Don Ho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Redfeather, I would certainly like to know the REAL issues in your marriage. I've found that most therapists don't know jack about the "dating ritual", how to do it or how to fix that core issue. Tell us more about you situation.
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