maybebaby Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 My fiance and I are happy and doing well in almost every way. He is under a lot of stress at work at the moment due to staffing cuts and because he works for a non-profit the number of clients seeking services is way up. A lot of days he's working 10-12 hours. In the beginning of our relationship, say for the first 6 months, we had sex 1-4 times a day. I still want sex 1-4 times a day. He on the other had due to the stress at work and also probably related to the fact that he's vegetarian and eats a lot of soy is at the moment happy to have sex 2-4 times a week. I know that the amount of sex we're having is average and healthy, I also know that he still desires me, and that we aren't having any sort of emotional blocks that are affecting his sex drive. So we manage the difference in drives pretty easily most of the time, I take care of myself quite often and we have sex when he feels up to it. That's usually fine though it's not ideal. The problem is that I usually avoid coming onto him unless I can tell he is in the mood because I hate the rejection of being told "I don't feel like it" again. Yesterday I spent the entire day fantasizing about him, I didn't mean to but I did, my hormones must have been on double duty. I took care of business before he got home but still by the time he arrived home I wanted him desperately. I could tell last night that he was tired and feeling a bit stressed. I made him dinner, brought him the paper, and generally made his evening as nice as possible. I could still tell he wasn't really interested but I wanted it so bad I went against my own rule and came onto him when I knew he would likely not be interested. Of course, he wasn't interested. I was upset but hid how upset and just shrugged it off as not a big deal because I know he always feels guilty when he turns me down. I was so upset about the rejection and feeling rejected though that I didn't sleep well and I know I avoided cuddling him though I didn't do so consciously. Today I'm feeling sensitive, a little grumpy, a little mad, sad, ashamed of my freakish sex drive, and guilty for letting it be such a big deal. It wasn't that we didn't have sex last night it was that I really just hate the direct rejection of being told he's not interested even though I'm standing there in a see-through nightgown offering to do things to him. So my question is how do other people deal with the direct rejection? In general we manage our currently different drives with relative ease but when it comes to being flat out turned down I'm not good at it at all. Does anyone have any tips, tricks, ideas for ways to deal with that feeling when it's unavoidable aside from reminding me not to come onto him unless I can tell he's interested?
BettyBoop Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I know how you feel. Me and my boyfriend can be pretty mismatched sometimes and in a few cases I have sex even though I don't really feel like it simply because I'm taking the opportunity while I get it. ^^ I think maybe he knew you were doing all those nice things because you had an agenda? Just like us girls, I think boys can tell. And it adds up to preassure when you know what is coming and you just don't feel like it. (I felt like that for a while before during a stressful time and used to dread going to bed because I knew he'd want/try to make us have sex!) Usually, my boyfriend is (almost always) only in the mood in the evening when we're in bed - he's sort of made it a routine. So if I want it during the day - tough luck! He's not usually in the mood during the day and just declines my offer. So I know what it feels like to feel rejected and sexually frustrated. I try not to take it personally. What you think is what you feel - and it saddens me to see that you feel ashamed of your "freakish sex drive" - it is not, it is healthy. You love and desire your man - that is great! I'm sorry I don't have much advice I just wanted to let you know I knew what it felt like to be on both sides. In my case, if I'm not in the mood it can change if someone puts me in a better mood - but in most cases I will simply not be interested in sex. Same with my boyfriend. I think the best one can do is to take care of oneself and perhaps talk about it with your partner? In my case, it works sometimes if I just cuddle him for a while and then just try making out - it usually ends up leading to sex (not if in the middle of the day, still, but night works even if he is tired etc). Might work for you as well?
PandorasBox Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I understand him being stressed and tired, however I would think some sex would help to relieve him of some of that stress? Has he came across as anything else that might br wrong other than stress and being tired from work?
Author maybebaby Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Thanks BB, it does help to know that we aren't the first couple to encounter this issue. I know I shouldn't consider my sex drive "freakish" but it's at the highest it's ever been and when of all things a man can't keep up with it I feel a bit silly. I know I need to get over that. I too will have sex when I don't really feel like it because I want it so badly lol. I know that after I've been turned down and I'm feeling hurt I resolve to turn him down the next day so he can see how it feels and I always fail at that because if he wants it I hate to miss my chance! Pandora, we have talked about it at length and he's sure it's really closely related to his stress levels. I agree that having sex helps me to reduce stress but he insists that he can't get into the right frame of mind to enjoy it when he has so many things on his mind. He lived for a number of years in an almost sexless marriage because his xw wasn't into sex so maybe he just developed ways to live with that. He's also vegetarian almost vegan so he eats a lot of soy and I know that lowers testosterone levels. By the same token he also has a hard time getting in the mood if we've had an argument that ended in a compromise or an agreement to agree to disagree, he feels like he can't enjoy sex if he can't fully connect and feel close emotionally. He's just not the most testosterone driven man, he's had very few sexual partner, he's only had sex in a handful of long term committed relationships, has little to no interest in porn, and can't enjoy sex if he's particularly stressed out. Usually I can live with it, his sex life ebbs and flows and I can roll with that. I just hate the way I feel after I've been flat out turned down, if I can't find a way to deal with it I'm going to spend the rest of the day sulking about something that's over and done with and wasn't a big deal. If I had simply gone to bed last night without sex I would have shrugged it off and felt like no big deal but because I asked for it and got turned down now I'm feeling upset about it.
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