LostInTurn Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 There are so many things I want to say. I want to send him a message, but I know I can't I know I just need to keep moving on. I just want to say hello. Sometimes, I just wonder if he'd respond. I wonder if he's not angry anymore and can be sensible. But then I cry because I need to remember I wasn't happy. Even though the relationship wasn't terrible, I need to keep remembering I wasn't happy and that's the most difficult piece. Most of the time I don't remember my frustrations though. That's the hardest part. When I read some of the threads on here, I feel so bad for the people who have written them. I feel so bad how some of you are feeling exactly how I feel. Are writing exactly what I'm thinking.
smk Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Lost - hey it sucks going NC at first but it's the only way to move on with your life... It took me 9 weeks to get to that point, and in my case it was always her texting and phoning me and after finally telling her to back off I can finally feel like I am making progress... Sending that msg will only serve one purpose and that is o hamper the progress... Sure you miss the OP but they still did leave so effectively it's their loss... Call or msg a friend instead heck even come post whatever you want to say here on LS... We have all been through the roller coaster and my only advice is to ride it and not to give in to the temptation of breaking NC cos it really does set you back... Be strong and all of us here are there to provide any support we can cos we have all been there...
czecze Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 There are so many things I want to say. I want to send him a message, but I know I can't I know I just need to keep moving on. I just want to say hello. Sometimes, I just wonder if he'd respond. I wonder if he's not angry anymore and can be sensible. can certainly related to what you are saying. It is almost like some one you care for die..that the person no longer exist ( or did they really ever exist? or just in our imagination?) So i tell myself, how can I reach out to someone who is no longer there? Sometimes it is difficult to believe all the things you did together, all the time spend together can mean so little to the other person, that someone you could have done anything for, can care so little in the end. Well, then I will tell myself, if he is happier this way, I should be happy for him too...
Feelin Frisky Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Hi Lost in Turn. As a veteran of heart break and relationship miseries, I have learned one ethic that always helps me to cope and land on my feet. It is: be careful what you tell yourself, you might just believe it. I therefore tell myself things like my signature--things about strength and resilience rather than call myself "lost" or "sad" or "confused" as many do on this form and in broader life. You can if you want start a campaign of self propulsion rather than second-guessing and dwelling on hopeless loss. I certainly don't "fault" anyone for feeling bad about loss and indeed falling into patterns of second-guessing and seizing on impulses to reignite with a lost flame. But it is said and I think often true that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That ability to become stronger is all a matter of learning to oversee the dialog you hold with your self. One can either cave and let emotions dictate or one can put on the mental spandex and crack the whip and put those emotions in their place as mere subsets of a greater you. All the best and wishes for your happiness.
Author LostInTurn Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Can someone please reassure me from experience that: There is someone else out there with a great family that will welcome me, that I will meet someone who checks in during the day, that there is someone who will introduce me to all their friends and our lives will mesh, that when I look into someone elses eyes I will see their love? That someone will love me so much one day that they see me as amazing? These are my fears... that I will not find that again..........
BiAxident Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Hi Lost in Turn. As a veteran of heart break and relationship miseries, I have learned one ethic that always helps me to cope and land on my feet. It is: be careful what you tell yourself, you might just believe it. This is advice that everyone visiting the coping forum should read. Then, they should read it again, then again. Thoughts can dictate emotions and vice-versa. Both cognitive psychology and buddhism emphasize this.
cookie2 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Can someone please reassure me from experience that: There is someone else out there with a great family that will welcome me, that I will meet someone who checks in during the day, that there is someone who will introduce me to all their friends and our lives will mesh, that when I look into someone elses eyes I will see their love? That someone will love me so much one day that they see me as amazing? These are my fears... that I will not find that again.......... No. Nobody can guarantee that. Life is unexpected, it doesn't follow any set pattern. Just when you think everything is going just how you want it, life throws you a curveball. You have to roll with it, and make the best you can of it. But the one thing that helps is a positive mental attitude. If you want something, then you need to go out there and get it. Nobody else was put on this earth to fulfil your needs, except YOU. The future is what you make it. If you want all those things you describe, you have to make it happen. It won't be handed to you on a silver platter.
Author LostInTurn Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 I'm so afraid I lost the one things I've always wanted.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Can someone please reassure me from experience that: There is someone else out there with a great family that will welcome me, that I will meet someone who checks in during the day, that there is someone who will introduce me to all their friends and our lives will mesh, that when I look into someone elses eyes I will see their love? That someone will love me so much one day that they see me as amazing? These are my fears... that I will not find that again.......... All anyone I think could say is ya gotta assume it to be possible and then set about finding and earning what you seek. There are no guarantees--that is the truth of our reality. I am really touched by what you expressed--but I'm battle-hardened enough to know that it does not serve me to obsess about ideals. Sometimes we miss our boats and have to accept that all that's left out there are compromises and trade-offs. If so, we take the good with the bad. The sooner one squares with this, the more self-conditioning to meet life on its real terms is possible. Sounds cold perhaps but I live eternally hopeful--just not expectational.
cookie2 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I'm so afraid I lost the one things I've always wanted. Yeah me too hun. We all are. But you have to see this for what it is: an irrational fear. Why wouldn't you meet anyone else? Why do you have any less of a chance than the next person? If you think about it then there is no more basis for this fear than there is for other irrational fears... being in a car crash when you drive, being attacked while walking home... these are all events beyond our control. But we can minimize the risks by driving safely and avoiding dark alleys. Similarly we can avoid the risk of never meeting that special someone, by changing our attitude. Tell that irrational fear to F off. Get out there are find what you're looking for.
denise_xo Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Can someone please reassure me from experience that: There is someone else out there with a great family that will welcome me, that I will meet someone who checks in during the day, that there is someone who will introduce me to all their friends and our lives will mesh, that when I look into someone elses eyes I will see their love? That someone will love me so much one day that they see me as amazing? These are my fears... that I will not find that again.......... Hi LostInTurn, No one can fully reassure you or give you guarantees. But I think that in many people's experiences, it happens. I went for years really believing that no one would ever love me or accept me, and that's really where at least half (if not more) of the problem lied. As others have pointed out, so much of it is about attitude, expectations management, being realistic about what life has to offer (and not), and facing whatever fears you're carrying head on. Good luck to you! All anyone I think could say is ya gotta assume it to be possible and then set about finding and earning what you seek. There are no guarantees--that is the truth of our reality. I am really touched by what you expressed--but I'm battle-hardened enough to know that it does not serve me to obsess about ideals. Sometimes we miss our boats and have to accept that all that's left out there are compromises and trade-offs. If so, we take the good with the bad. The sooner one squares with this, the more self-conditioning to meet life on its real terms is possible. Sounds cold perhaps but I live eternally hopeful--just not expectational. Apologies to OP for going off-topic: Frisky I just wanted to say I'm really impressed by a lot of your posts, I think they show a rare mixture of warmth, realism and hard gained wisdom. Thanks for sharing.
ShannonMI Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 When I read some of the threads on here, I feel so bad for the people who have written them. I feel so bad how some of you are feeling exactly how I feel. Are writing exactly what I'm thinking. It does give you a little comfort to know you aren't alone though, doesn't it? That there are people out there that are going through the same things that you are and trying to work through them. We can all help each other. It helps just a little. At least it does for me.
Sambo Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 (edited) Can someone please reassure me from experience that: There is someone else out there with a great family that will welcome me, that I will meet someone who checks in during the day, that there is someone who will introduce me to all their friends and our lives will mesh, that when I look into someone elses eyes I will see their love? That someone will love me so much one day that they see me as amazing? These are my fears... that I will not find that again.......... I assure you that you will be loved again ! The current divorce rate = 66% so there are a lot of lonely people in this world in our shoes. You will be fine and you will feel all the love you felt with him and much much more. The world is filled with people right now who are just waiting to love you way more then he did. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so heal your heart and get yourself ready because your dream man is right around the corner. I've had 4 major loves in my 46 years on this planet and 5 happens to be my lucky number. Edited August 19, 2010 by Sambo
Author LostInTurn Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 I assure you that you will be loved again ! The current divorce rate = 66% so there are a lot of lonely people in this world in our shoes. You will be fine and you will feel all the love you felt with him and much much more. The world is filled with people right now who are just waiting to love you way more then he did. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so heal your heart and get yourself ready because your dream man is right around the corner. I've had 4 major loves in my 46 years on this planet and 5 happens to be my lucky number. Sambo: Thank you. The other day you responded to another one of my posts and you asked me to repeat, non stop that the perfect guy is out there for me. I woke-up this morning and I could feel the anxiety. I immediately started repeating that to myself. I will try. Your thoughts and opinions have meant a great deal (as with all of you that have been getting me through this) so, thank you.
Thorgs Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Why not take this time to spoil yourself? You deserve it! Focus on you.
Thierro Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Why not take this time to spoil yourself? You deserve it! Focus on you. Indeed, indulge yourself. It's like Christmas over here..
Sambo Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Sambo: Thank you. The other day you responded to another one of my posts and you asked me to repeat, non stop that the perfect guy is out there for me. I woke-up this morning and I could feel the anxiety. I immediately started repeating that to myself. I will try. Your thoughts and opinions have meant a great deal (as with all of you that have been getting me through this) so, thank you. If we (strangers) care about you what does that tell you ? It means you are amazing and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and there are many men out there that will appreciate everything that you have to offer and will fall in love with YOU and all you offer. So is this disrespectful ex worthy of even another minute of your time, energy and love ? No ! Keep repeating to yourself that you deserve better and your going to find a great man that will love you as much as you love him.
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 I'm so afraid I lost the one things I've always wanted. That's what I was afraid of too. Before I met my ex, I was single for 6 years. Six! That's a fecking long time, and I was actually considering becoming a lesbian lol Before I met him (after a heartbreak with a friend), I wrote a list of what I wanted from a guy. Guess what? When my ex came along, he was EVERYTHING on that list. Careful what you wish for, it happens! But you know what? When he cheated on me and left me for the girl he cheated with...I realised that he wasn't everything I wanted. I did key growing during that relationship to know that I deserve better. As I changed, my desires changed too. He WAS everything I wanted. NOW...I deserve better. Make a new list
Author LostInTurn Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 That's what I was afraid of too. Before I met my ex, I was single for 6 years. Six! That's a fecking long time, and I was actually considering becoming a lesbian lol Before I met him (after a heartbreak with a friend), I wrote a list of what I wanted from a guy. Guess what? When my ex came along, he was EVERYTHING on that list. Careful what you wish for, it happens! But you know what? When he cheated on me and left me for the girl he cheated with...I realised that he wasn't everything I wanted. I did key growing during that relationship to know that I deserve better. As I changed, my desires changed too. He WAS everything I wanted. NOW...I deserve better. Make a new list So, if he was everything you wanted, how do you feel you didn't lose the one thing you wanted?
LoveTruthChaos Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 So, if he was everything you wanted, how do you feel you didn't lose the one thing you wanted? Because at the time, he was everything I wanted. I have since changed and matured, and he wasn't enough anymore. I've added more things to the list that I find are important now, that weren't as important before.
denise_xo Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Indeed, indulge yourself. It's like Christmas over here.. Haha. Good on you, Thierro!
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