ColdFox Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 People say you are supposed to get over a relationship in half the time you were together, i.e. if you were together five years you would be healed from the breakup completely in 2.5 years. I was with my husband 4.5 years, married 2 years. He has been dead 3 years now, and I still miss him. I went back into grief counseling and then I had some trouble with depression and I took some medication for a little while because I need to be working and in the present with my son. Things have been better lately. But my son came rushing into the room this morning and climbed into bed to hug me, and he was just so much like his father. Really he hardly looks like me at all. All this sadness came rushing back. His father never even got to know him.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I think that rule of thumb thing is for breakups. Your story is so sad. I'm sorry. If you are feeling bad about how long it's taking you to not miss him, please don't. I wish I had advice, but I don't. I just wanted to say how moving those few sentences were and how it sounds like you are doing so well by your son.
Shakz Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Please go to YoungWidow.org. You will find there some very supportive and helpful advice. God bless you.
Beeotch Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 People say you are supposed to get over a relationship in half the time you were together, i.e. if you were together five years you would be healed from the breakup completely in 2.5 years. I was with my husband 4.5 years, married 2 years. He has been dead 3 years now, and I still miss him. I went back into grief counseling and then I had some trouble with depression and I took some medication for a little while because I need to be working and in the present with my son. Things have been better lately. But my son came rushing into the room this morning and climbed into bed to hug me, and he was just so much like his father. Really he hardly looks like me at all. All this sadness came rushing back. His father never even got to know him. I don't know who made up those time tables....but it is all bull! I am really sorry about your husband. He was precious to you and he died. It's not like he just broke up with you and is still alive, which many people should be grateful for. There ex's are alive and well and if they REALLY need to see them/talk to them etc they still have that chance. You never really "get over" or forget that someone you loved died.....never. You learn to live with it and be at peace but unlike a normal break up, you don't just wake up one day, forget this person and move forward. Go to counseling and get as much support as you need, and don't worry about timetables. ONE day it will become easier to deal with, where you can honor the memories and good times and know he is still a part of you and lives on in your son and where you can continue life, as I am sure he would want you to
Author ColdFox Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 (edited) Thanks all of you for your kindness. I have good days now most of the time, I guess this is a bad day. I have noticed I'm more easily depressed at this time of year as my husband passed away at the end of August, before our son was born. I try to get my mom to help out more when I am gray and mopey like this and then I feel guilty because she thinks I am dragging everything out, she is a very practical woman and I am very sentimental. I am a pale redhead, my son has his father's dark coloring and his cleft chin. Sometimes I look at him and I feel joy that he looks so much like his father, that I still have a piece of him with me. Sometimes I look at him and I wish he didn't remind me so much of all that sadness and what I will never have again. It's a very complicated thing, to have so much emotion about how a baby looks. Kind of silly, intellectually. I need to pull myself together and go teach my classes. I will check out the site you recommended, it might be good to know other girls in my situation. Thanks again. Edited August 17, 2010 by ColdFox typos
Shakz Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Go to counseling and get as much support as you need, and don't worry about timetables. ONE day it will become easier to deal with, where you can honor the memories and good times and know he is still a part of you and lives on in your son and where you can continue life, as I am sure he would want you to Lovely. You have missnamed yourself.
Author ColdFox Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 P.S. I do know that those timetables are for breakups, and that it's different. I never want to forget my husband or what we had. I guess I was just hoping that I would be more healed by now. I am trying to keep my life moving forward and it seems like it should be easier by now, but maybe I'm letting my mom's voice into my head too much.
Author ColdFox Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 You never really "get over" or forget that someone you loved died.....never. ONE day it will become easier to deal with, where you can honor the memories and good times and know he is still a part of you and lives on in your son and where you can continue life, as I am sure he would want you to I know that is what he would want. It is mostly what I want to, but some days all I want is to have him back and the unfairness of it all sticks in my throat, you know?
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I know that is what he would want. It is mostly what I want to, but some days all I want is to have him back and the unfairness of it all sticks in my throat, you know? At the risk of extreme sappyness, and referencing your location... perhaps keep in mind the winter of our discontent was made glorious summer... Good luck.
GrayClouds Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I went back into grief counseling and then I had some trouble with depression and I took some medication for a little while because I need to be working and in the present with my son. Things have been better lately. How is the depression, it seems like it still there pretty deep? May the meds need a some more time.
Nappeal Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I do believe there's a huge difference in losing a loved one by choice and losing one by death. You never got to say goodbye, and niether one of you chose this. Throw out the window the idea of how long it should take you, because in fact, it could take you much longer. You are allowed to grieve much longer. You will always have moments that remind you of our husband, but as more time goes on, the more they will make you happy rather then sad...I know, not what you want to hear, so continue counseling or medications as you need them. I'm sorry for your loss.
buckeye Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 ColdFox, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think anyone gets over the death of a spouse.You are very fortunate in having your son. Your husband lives on through your son. He will be watching over the both of you. I think the young widow forum could be very helpful. Hang in there and be strong for your son.
Author ColdFox Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 At the risk of extreme sappyness, and referencing your location... perhaps keep in mind the winter of our discontent was made glorious summer... Good luck. That's right, there is a transition. Sometimes I forget about the glorious summer part . I used to think my glorious summer would be a long marriage and growing old with my husband and our child(ren), retiring together and traveling the world. Maybe I will have that summery future with somebody else. Sometimes that thought keeps me going, sometimes I even get excited about it, the thrill of a new love. But it's also a thought that hurts my heart, because no other men really seem real to me, if that makes sense. Somebody was telling me recently that I am guaranteed something like a glorious summer, a reunion with my husband in heaven. I can understand temptations of turning to religion better, thinking about that, but I don't really believe in an afterlife deep down. It was a nice fantasy for a while, but when I was depressed it was making me think death was something to look forward to, and that scared me because of my son. It's one of the reasons I went on medication. Thank you for saying you think I am doing well for my son btw. I am all he has and I am often afraid I am not doing enough for him, that I can't BE enough for him by myself. Well he does have my mother too, but she is not here every day.
Author ColdFox Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 How is the depression, it seems like it still there pretty deep? May the meds need a some more time. I am afraid of overmedicating because I have seen it happen, people prescribed more than they need, turning into zombies or dependents. I chose to take the minimum of what the doctor recommended. I do think it was the chemical kick in the pants that I needed, I was in a phase where I felt cold and numb, I was doing everything like a robot and thinking about whether death would be nice because I might meet my husband there. Now I am feeling sadness, but I am feeling again, not just feeling the cold. And I do feel other things as well, I take joy in my son and my classes again...like I said the anniversary of his death is right around the corner and I am weaker around this time. I keep thinking of what should have been.
Author ColdFox Posted August 17, 2010 Author Posted August 17, 2010 Everyone's kindness is helping buoy me today. I have one more class today and then I am going to pick my son up and spend my evening with him as usual. I will look up the widow's site after he is in bed.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 You might have many summers. Your son graduating. 10 years teaching. Perhaps even a new love some day. Who knows. It's exciting. I think your acceptance of but caution with medication is very wise. I bet your are doing plenty for your son. And you never know who will do more for him to help too. I was so lucky in that my father was very involved for my childhood - but not really as a young adult. But then I turned out lucky again in a different sense; I had not one but two men help during this time as father figures (a teacher and a boss). To this day I still go to one for guidance and I'm now 30, and feel like part of his family. Even as a young child I had many people, teachers especially, who did very much for me when things at home were tough. So your boy may turn out to have many people in his life for him like you and your mother.
Author ColdFox Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 I do believe there's a huge difference in losing a loved one by choice and losing one by death. You never got to say goodbye, and niether one of you chose this. Throw out the window the idea of how long it should take you, because in fact, it could take you much longer. You are allowed to grieve much longer. You will always have moments that remind you of our husband, but as more time goes on, the more they will make you happy rather then sad...I know, not what you want to hear, so continue counseling or medications as you need them. I'm sorry for your loss. Heartbreak that feels like it could bring about the end of the world happens from breakups too, I think. But you are right, it is hard that we never said goodbye. I think about our last days together and wish we had known what was coming. And it is hard of course that I am a single mother now, I never saw that happening. Even if we had divorced I know he would not have just left his son alone if he had a choice. I think that is partly what froze my healing process, the single motherhood. When my husband died I was in shock, I was put on bedrest. And then I had our son a few weeks later, and he was a litle premature. His life was not really in danger, but it was still a frightening time and we were in the hospital. My focus was completely on my son. And then we were home, and I was learning how to take care of a newborn by myself, and there wasn't much time to grieve. I wanted to collapse and cry and and wrap myself up in memories, but you can't do that with a newborn. And then the second year, I was depressed and felt like my heart was frozen and I just wanted to sleep all the time. Now I am feeling the loss again, but I keep reminding myself that it is good for me.
Beeotch Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Lovely. You have missnamed yourself. Second person to have said that to me on here recently. I appreciate it
Beeotch Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I know that is what he would want. It is mostly what I want to, but some days all I want is to have him back and the unfairness of it all sticks in my throat, you know? I can definitely imagine, definitely! This is one of those things in life, that as much as you may understand it mentally, emotionally it takes a while for you to accept it and live it. The point is: don't rush yourself and beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. I personally believe that all things in life happen for a reason and that death is a transition and not the end. It is the end of your physical form but you always live on. I would make a journal to him, writing out ALL my feelings, from anger that he died, to telling him you miss him, to simply speaking about your day. That would be therapeutic in my opinion and would help you cope. I know it is hard to be without this person in the physical but as you gain support from family, friends, professionals, spiritual advisers and as you love your son, things do get better. I recently went to the wedding of a family friend, she is over 60 yrs old and was a widower for 10 years and this 4th of July she found love again and is happy! She went through immense pain as I am sure you have, but life did get better, she did live her life and gain support and now she has a mate to spend her life with again. So there really is a silver lining and one day you too will get there
skydiveaddict Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 God bless you and how painful your loss must be
Author ColdFox Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 You might have many summers. Your son graduating. 10 years teaching. Perhaps even a new love some day. Who knows. It's exciting. I think your acceptance of but caution with medication is very wise. I bet your are doing plenty for your son. And you never know who will do more for him to help too. I was so lucky in that my father was very involved for my childhood - but not really as a young adult. But then I turned out lucky again in a different sense; I had not one but two men help during this time as father figures (a teacher and a boss). To this day I still go to one for guidance and I'm now 30, and feel like part of his family. Even as a young child I had many people, teachers especially, who did very much for me when things at home were tough. So your boy may turn out to have many people in his life for him like you and your mother. Raising my son to be a healthy man will be a summer. Teaching is maybe spring , but I do like spring. Just being in the music is wonderful (I am a dance instructor). It's true that I am focusing too hard on love, and that is not the only thing in the world. I have always been a closet romantic. I do what I can for my son. I have to work more hours than I want to, sometimes in the evening, but he is always well-cared for. I'm sorry your father was no longer as present in your life as you grew older, but glad to hear that other male role models were helpful for you. I am still working on getting more males in my son's life. My male cousin visits more often than he used to and spends time with him.
Author ColdFox Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Thanks again everyone. I felt weak today and this forum helped. I am getting ready for bed now, getting ready for another day. There is a widow/er's support group that I have decided to go to next week on the upcoming anniversary. I have known about it for a while but I didn't want to go at first because I didn't want to be apart from the baby, and then I thought I didn't need it. I guess I might as well check it out. As this forum keeps reminding me I should be seeking more support. Beeotch--I also think you have named yourself wrongly.
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