She Cheated on me and Admits to it Two Years Later

[cyberelevation]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost five years now, since college. It was a good friendship that transitioned into a relationship.

 

She was REALLY committed to me for the first year we dated, but soon after she turned 21, things changed. She had never been single before and wanted some time to go out with girlfriends and flirt, get free drinks, act single, etc. This was triggered by a new friend of hers who was a big flirt/bad influence. I was not thrilled with the idea but I didn't want to lose her so I tried to suck it up. She in exchange promised not to cross the line (ex. grinding, kissing, any form of unfaithfulness).

 

This went on for about a year and I was not taking it well. I would express my feelings of unhappiness/discontent but she didn't seem to care, which only made matters worse. It also didn't help that she's better looking than I and has more game (I, myself have little to none). I had no desire to go out and do the same thing, but I think I would have felt better if I had the ability.

 

Eventually, things hit rock bottom after I discovered her bad influence friend encouraging her to cheat on me with a coworker. My girlfriend claimed there was nothing going on and she was ignoring her friend's dumb advice. My jealousy was out of control though so my girlfriend decided she wanted to go on a break. I didn't really have much of a choice but again, we made a mutual promise that we would be faithful during the break. She said by not seeing me for awhile, she would be able to get it "out of her system". She also promised not to see the coworker in question.

 

The break was actually great for me because it helped me reconnect with old friends, and rediscover the old me. A month passed and she said she was ready to get back together. We both swore that nothing bad had happened.

 

Over the past couple years since, things have been great between us. Our relationship has completely matured, she apologized for treating me like crap/dragging me through a bad episode of her life, and we've both been very happy. I don’t know what I would do without her. We recently moved in with each other and I was planning on proposing to her in the next couple weeks.

 

This weekend, I discovered an unpleasant surprise. While taking a road trip, she revealed to me that she got drunk and made out with four guys back when things were bad. She said it had been eating at her for the past two years and she had been putting off telling me.

 

Two of them were while we were on the break, which was against the terms, and one of these turned out to be the coworker I suspected, which makes me especially angry. She said it wasn't out of spite, but she enjoyed the attention he gave her and let it get too far. The other two make-outs happened shortly after the break, which I am pretty furious about. She admitted to ending the break prematurely because she was afraid of losing me. She claims she was drunk for all four incidents, all of them were initiated by other guys, and she stopped them all after less than a minute. I believe her, but I used to constantly stress the importance of her not putting herself in vulnerable situations. She admits that she didn’t feel as bad about doing it at the time since our relationship was such a mess but as things have become better, she has felt worse and worse.

 

So two years later when things are going great, I find this out. I love her so much and want to be able to forgive her, but I can’t stop thinking about her making out with those guys. I’m not completely shocked that it happened based on the way things were going back then, but our getting back together was based on a lie. I thought we had put that chapter of our relationship to rest, but now the wound has reopened and both she and I feel pretty miserable. I can tell she’s sincerely apologetic and she swore to me on everything that I don’t have to worry about that kind of thing ever happening again. On the other hand, I suspect she would not forgive me if the shoe was on the other foot. To make things more complicated, we JUST moved in with each other and our friends have only recently regained approval of our relationship. As depressing as it is, I don't really have any friends other than her that I can lean on; most of our friends seem loyal to her.

 

Should I forgive her since she’s a completely changed person now? How badly did she cross the line? What steps can I take to process this situation and put it to rest once again? Thank you for your input!

[JustJoe]

First off, Cyber. When you are on a "break", then it is probably a good idea not to make "conditions". concerning the break. How is she going to experience anything if you put restrictions on her or she on you? However, if she agreed on the restrictions, then she should have abided by them. But it seems to me that she didn't care either way as she cheated on you after you got back together. Now she's sorry and would like to have a real "relationship", but can you ever trust her? Incidentally, she probably did more than just "make out", but doesn't want to come clean about the whole thing. Also being drunk is no excuse for infidelity, at any time, unless she was completely unconscious. If I were you , I would demand the whole truth, including the names of the guys and then get in touch with them to find out if she's telling the truth. I'm sorry to say this, but there will be a lot more info coming out, but she is only giving it to you as "trickle truth". I would dump her, for being as cheater and untrustworthy.

[cookie2]

She absolutely crossed the line, completely and utterly. She lied about it, and kept it from you for 2 years.

 

She certainly did more than just make out with them.

Being drunk is no excuse.

The guys initiating is no excuse (the word "no" isn't in her vocabulary?).

Stopping after 1 minute is no excuse - if it's true - which it is NOT!!!!

[jtech]

In your heart of hearts. You know she did more than just kiss the guy. I think she was in a bytch mood, and wanted to see you upset.

 

Do you really want to be with a woman that plays with your emotions? I didn't think so.

 

The real issue here is that you said it yourself. You have no "game". She knows this. She knows that you aren't going anywhere. So she is going to be with you and cheat on you at the same time. Why? Because you will allow it.

 

As much as it sucks for you know. You need to dump her. Get your 3 months of crying, and holiday drinking out of the way now. Work on developing your inner self. Read some books, or learn to cook something.

 

Then when you are truly ready. Hit the pavement and be happy. It is better to be single and lonely. Then to be in a relationship, and miserable.

[fltc]

You said, "I love her so much" but that's not true! The woman you love is the woman you want her to be, a purely imaginary person who exists only in your mind.

 

The woman you love wouldn't cheat on you or lie about it, would she?

[xpaperxcutx]

I'd feel betrayed if someone has to wait 2 years to spill the beans. What did she hope to get from this, that time would give you incentive to forgive and forget? Honestly, she really went about this the wrong way.

[FryFish]

She did way more than just make out man... She will probably NEVER tell you the whole truth though...

[meerkat stew]

1. She had sex with at least eight guys, four while you were still dating and she was running around with her skanky friend, four during your break.

 

2. Women don't -have- "game," they have vaginas instead and "play" games.

[lkjh]

Dude she did more than make out with them and you need to gain some confidence and learn to stand up for yourself. Everything about your post screams out that you are a push over

[cyberelevation]

Thank you for all your feedback.

[Joe Normal]

Lol you believe she only made out for 30 seconds, and only 4 guys? Most likely she slept with all 4 and more besides.

 

She cuckolded you with 4 different men in a few months - that you know of. You need to leave this slutty unfaithful woman.

[kevinm1019]

A mistake is an action or event where you do not understand what the outcome will be. She was with 4 different men... and they "all" came onto her and she didn't know what was going on?!! And each of the four men "weren't that great" so to speak but she kept doing it again and again? See things for what they are and not what you want them to be or hope them to be. Trust me when I tell you... if it took her two years to tell you... what else is she being secretive or deceptive about... four could be eight... eight could be ten... your health could be at risk, etc.... etc.

[Dexter Morgan]

Should I forgive her since she’s a completely changed person now?

 

thats up to you. as far as changed, a leapord never changes their spots...they simply get older.

 

she is a changed person? if it were me and I decided to keep a cheater(which I wouldn't) then the only way would be if she absolutely isn't a partier any longer. If she still wants to go out and drink and have those little girl's nights out....then I wouldn't waste any more time with her.

 

 

 

How badly did she cross the line?

 

bad. she cheated, there isn't any levels of how bad it is. cheating is cheating.

 

 

What steps can I take to process this situation and put it to rest once again? Thank you for your input!

 

nothing. there is absolutely nothing you can do to completely forget what she did.

 

all you can do is decide if you want to put up with what she did, forgive her and move on with the knowledge that she is more than capable of cheating

 

or decide that you won't settle for someone that would so callously do that to you and find someone else.

 

Life is too short to spend it with a cheater.

[Dexter Morgan]

In your heart of hearts. You know she did more than just kiss the guy.

 

I agree. Its the half truths to cover up the entire lies.

 

She wanted to get it off her chest, but didn't want to tell you that which would really piss you off.

 

besides, cheaters are liars by default anyway....and no...she doesn't get any points for fessing up.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you for all your feedback.

 

Looks like he didn't get what he wanted to hear, which was probably that she could be trusted and everything is going to come up roses.

 

oh well. he'll have to waste a little more time and find out the hard way.

[lordWilhelm]

I have to say that this...

She admits that she didn’t feel as bad about doing it at the time since our relationship was such a mess but as things have become better, she has felt worse and worse.

... worries me a lot.

 

Relationships have ups and downs; if she's not willing to work with you when things aren't as great, and moreover she feels she has a free pass to do whatever she wants "because things are bad" and as result doesn't feel guilt with her own actions at such times, then how can you put trust in this relationship?

 

Here's anothing thing that worries me...

To make things more complicated, we JUST moved in with each other and our friends have only recently regained approval of our relationship. As depressing as it is, I don't really have any friends other than her that I can lean on; most of our friends seem loyal to her.

You're not managing this relationship in a healthy way... you shouldn't rely on your girlfriend to be your only source of friendship because first of all that's putting a big load on her and secondly you become too vulnerable to something happening (like her cheating on you). Some people are less social than others and will have fewer friends, but that's only okay if they're comfortable with that -- you're not because clearly this is bothering you.

 

I'm not saying that you should break up with her. Only you know how this relationship has changed over these last two years, whether it has matured to the point that you can trust her from now, whether she's given up on the party-going, and whether you feel that she respects you now.

 

But one thing that I would suggest is that you broaden your horizons a bit -- you should have your own support network and you should make sure that she respects you, or this is not going to work very well in the future.

 

Now let me ask you a question.

On the other hand, I suspect she would not forgive me if the shoe was on the other foot.

Why do you think that is?