BiAxident Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I know that for everyone in this forum, there is nothing more enticing that a second chance. Since my ex left me two and a half years ago, there is nothing I wanted more than a second chance to make things right with her. Well, I'm here today to tell you, be careful what you wish for! My ex originally left me because she said I wasn't "professional" enough. This was a valid complaint on her part, she works as a psychologist (uh-oh!) while I was working part-time, staying up late playing Xbox. She wanted to buy a house and start a family sometime in the near future, and I obviously wasn't close to being able to support that goal. Well, after two years of NC, we got to chatting via e-mail and I finally called her up in April. She had a nice conversation, during which she invited me over to her place. We hung out like old times, played board games, laughed, and then she proposed we have no-strings sex!! This became FWB which then became her wanting to get back together with me! Second chance! Yes! She decided that she had made a huge mistake in leaving me initially! Well, I was hesitant to accept this second chance, not wanting to get hurt again. Eventually, I came around. By that time, however, she was having doubts. Eventually, she came around and we were back together! It was so great! We hung out all the time, we talked about marriage and kids and buying a house. She constantly told me all the reasons she loved me. Then, she went on a family trip, away from me for 10 days. Prior to leaving, she invited me to go with her, told me how much she'd miss me, etc. Well, it took 5 days away from me for her to determine that she isn't sure about us as a couple, that she isn't inlove with me, etc. She also ignored my calls and e-mails during this trip. So where am I now? Right back where I started! Moping around on loveshack! She had been sure that she wanted to get back together with me! She had been determined to make things work between us! She had told me I could keep her forlifeif I gave her a ring. But all of that means nothingwhen someone changes her mind! So, let this be a lesson. If you're going to go for a second chance, be sure that you know all the reasons things didnt work the first time. Make sure you have some long conversations. Do not just jump back into it out of bliss. Best of luck!
Iselia Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 How long were you two together before she went on that trip? Just curious. By the way, I agree with almost everything you just said.
Author BiAxident Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 We had been "seeing" each other since the end of April, but only "officially" dating for about 5 weeks.
Iselia Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 We had been "seeing" each other since the end of April, but only "officially" dating for about 5 weeks. Well, about 2 months after my ex and I were broken up she decided she wanted to see if anything could be salvaged between us. After 3 weeks, she changed her mind. I honestly do NOT believe she was serious about us getting back together. I don't know your ex, so I'm not sure what she thinks. Maybe she feels she isn't ready for this yet, or maybe she never took things seriously between the two of you?
PWSX3 Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I was dating a gal for a year & she decided to break it off with me. That lasted for a month & she emailed me & we started to talk again. After a few weeks we decided to give it another try. That was in April & here it is Aug. & I just broke up with her..... She told me how much she loved me, how much she missed me, etc. etc but I didn't see any change, I didn't see her putting the effort into the relationship & it was going back to the way it was when she broke up with me so I knew it was over..... Second chances are very hard. For us part of the issue was the extra baggage that each of us brought from our 1st marriages....
Author BiAxident Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 I don't know your ex, so I'm not sure what she thinks. Maybe she feels she isn't ready for this yet, or maybe she never took things seriously between the two of you? She had assumed that, given our past and how well we get together, that if I made a serious commitment to her, she would be able to conjour up feelings of love for me. She tells me that she loves me, but evidentally does not mean it in a way that indicates infatuation. Thus, it doesnt really indicate anything that I didnt already know -- that there are things about me that she loves.
Author BiAxident Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Second chances are very hard. For us part of the issue was the extra baggage that each of us brought from our 1st marriages.... Sorry to hear things didn't work out for you after having already suffered (escaped?) through marriage. We went from not having spoken on the phone in two years to FWB in the matter of 8 hours. Then, went from "no strings attached" to her wanting to attach strings in about 3 weeks. I thought that, by waiting for a month before really getting into it, that everyone would have time to really think everything over. And, it was going smoothly until she confessed that she wasn't "in love" with me and said she isn't ready to marry me... a week after telling me she loved me and was ready to go ring shopping. I will say though, that if this second attempt at the relationship fails, it will certainly give closure to the first breakup.
Beeotch Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 So, let this be a lesson. If you're going to go for a second chance, be sure that you know all the reasons things didnt work the first time. Make sure you have some long conversations. Do not just jump back into it out of bliss. Ditto. Just because time apssed, doesn't mean there's always growth. Which is why I emphasize that self-growth is the true purpose of breaking up, as you can break up and continue essentially the same relationship just with different names and faces. You could tell how things would end by the fact that things started off with "no strings attached sex"....sorry, but that is not a healthy way to start off a reconciliation. That is a speeding train to nowhere. My ex has come back a couple times since our breakup and each time I heard him out but realized if we ever do get back together, those times wouldn't be it. I ofcourse had hope that MAYBE but I knew deep down it wasnt as based on what was being said and done, he wasn't ready and I probably wasn't either. Sooo yea, I agree. Second chances can work, but in my opinion they have to come from a place of true growth in which you both are right for each other and are at a better place now, rather than just making some time passing and doing the same things, or expecting that certain incompatibilities would be wiped away.
Beeotch Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Well, about 2 months after my ex and I were broken up she decided she wanted to see if anything could be salvaged between us. After 3 weeks, she changed her mind. I honestly do NOT believe she was serious about us getting back together. I don't know your ex, so I'm not sure what she thinks. Maybe she feels she isn't ready for this yet, or maybe she never took things seriously between the two of you? I think second chances are least likely to work out when they occur months after the break up. Depending on the reason of the initial break up, which I do believe probably 9/10 break ups are meant to be broken forever, the other 10% may work out again after significant time and not only time but GROWTH has occurred. Growth takes a while...weeks or a month or 2 usually does not bring significant enough growth from my experience and observation.
CaliGuy Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 You need a good amount of time after a breakup to allow growth and maturity to really make a true second chance work. If nothing has changed since you broke up, nothing is going to keep you together again. No solid foundation to grow from. Catch my drift?
Kic Posted August 20, 2010 Posted August 20, 2010 Two years of NC is enough time for growth. But yeah, no string sex, well, sex period = firestorm of emotions, in the case of this lady, at least. If you had not slept together, she might have been a bit more sensible about whether she really wanted you back. Not that I blame you - it's hard for us men to turn down sex.
Author BiAxident Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Yeah, given that I hadn't seen her in over two years, there was no way I was about to turn down spur of the moment sex! As to whether or not rejecting her offer would have solidified her wanting me back, I cant say. Afterall, we are back together. However, she backed way off from being ready to get married to wanting to stay together as a couple and see how things evolve. So, I guess the lesson here is to take things slowly during a second chance, even with someone with whom you are very familar?
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