mikeymad Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 This is one of the hardest things to deal with. The fear of being rejected by people. After suffering through a huge ordeal like a LTR breakup/divorce, how do you learn to trust again? It's like I am on the fringe of a group of people, so wanting to be a part of it, longing for the human interaction; to laugh, to smile, to share experiences. So why is it when those opportunities present themselves, we balk at them, or get involved, realize we don't want to get hurt and hastily retreat back to the fringe, almost a sort of self inflicted pain? It's like a cruel game of staying in limbo...always wanting to move forward, but afraid to. It also has found its way into friends, family, and even professionally. It's frustrating. It possibly stems from my x. It would have been our anniversary and my bday in a month, and I haven't heard from her in 4 months. It was also the week she said she wanted to separate after year 1. I want so badly to talk to her, to approach her to say how things have changed, yet I'm afraid of the rejection that could result from this. Just a ramble for possibly the only group that knows what I'm going through.
2.50 a gallon Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Or SOTOLI Our stories are different, but maybe in some ways parallel. I too broke up with my XW, but I was different in that I quickly got back in the dating game, and made new friends. We only lasted 6 months. Prior to our marriage we moved across country, leaving behind my support group of family and friends. I too was hurt deeply, and it would seem logical to have packed my bags and returned home. I did return for a visit, and that is when I realized that I was suffering from SOTOLI. I was the black sheep in the family, married late, mid 30's. My parents, grand parents, uncle, aunts, most of my cousins and friends were married. My younger sister was already the mother of a teenage daughter. That is when I realized that what I wanted most in life was a wife and family. They all had it. I had had just a taste of it before I lost it, and was so deeply hurt that I knew that I would never marry. It hurt me so bad, that I never returned for another visit, I did move back a dozen years later, and my parents did come by and visit with my twice during those 12 years. But still, the contact was so little that you could say that I avoided my family for about a dozen years. I did not fear rejection from my family, what I feared was the pain of emptiness that I felt when I was around my family and old friends. So in a sense I rejected my family. I was standing on the outside looking in and I didn't have a clue where the front door was
dgiirl Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Being afraid to get hurt by a romantic relationship makes sense. The emotions are still raw. So don't date for a while. Instead, take up a new hobby. A hobby that can potentially get you to meet new friends, but a hobby that interests you. This way, your main goal is to pursue a hobby and if friendships evolve then even better, but no need too. And challenge your comfort zone! Challenge those fears of rejection. Live life. Face it with courage! You will get such a thrill and boost of confidence when you challenge those fears and conquer them. Even if you get rejected again (highly unlikely), you can have confidence by challenging yourself and doing something you never would have before. What you are going through was a really **** experience. But you have a choice of how you want the rest of your life to be. Make it a better life than you ever had in the past. Make getting a divorce the best decision by making a better life for yourself.
You Go Girl Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 First off, Hi there Mikey, long time no chat on LS, glad to see you back. Fear of intimacy: The strongest foundation of an intimate partnership is a good friendship. Whether you're friends or lovers (or both) there are three elements of a strong, healthy relationship: authenticity, communication, and honesty. These three elements can lower fear of intimacy Baby steps perhaps? First let a few small things about you be known. In otherwords, reveal a little, but don't get naked. I mean emotionally, not physically! Intimacy is about revealing who you are, on an honest open level. A fear of rejection, or being hurt again, is natural. That's why I suggest baby steps, kind of like putting one toe in the water, then the whole foot, long before jumping in. I suffer from a fear of intimacy also at this stage Mikey. It is slow work to overcome it. Let yourself go slow. Accept that you are protecting yourself from potential harm. You will recognize those that deserve to see you emotionally naked, because they will pass honesty tests, loyalty tests, and authentic tests everytime. Are you ever going to be completely safe from hurt? NO. There is always risk. But nobody gets out of this life alive, either. So you might as well live it, before it's gone, right?
just_some_guy Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 There is a difference between disappointment and hurt. If a potential date turns you down or you are not accepted into a new circle of friends, that's disappointing. If you bought a lottery ticket and it didn't win, are you hurt or disappointed? It is not the same thing as if a potential date agrees to go out with you and then does something terrible like humiliate you in front of her friends. Or if a new circle of friends takes you out to the parking lot, beats you up and takes your money. That's being hurt. On your x - if you haven't heard from her in 4 months, there's no point in bothering her. She's moved on. You just need to let go. If you pursue her in this way, you'll only be hurting yourself.
You Go Girl Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 On your x - You just need to let go. If you pursue her in this way, you'll only be hurting yourself. Must agree here, Mikey. Don't do it! There is a thread on LS "post here instead of contacting your x" not sure which forum, you might look it up.
seibert253 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Good to hear from you Mick. No advice really, just a note to tell you I'm sorry you're still hurting. Keep up the good fight my man. It will get better.
2.50 a gallon Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 I am an outgoing person, so it is difficult for me to see things from your prospective. The way I read you story, is that deep down you would like to some day have a relationship with a woman again. My one thought is do you have the time and room to keep a dog? Dogs do not care what your personal history is, or whether you are attractive or unattractive, etc. Take care of them and they will give you unconditional love. And they have been known to work wonders. Another choice would be a cat. Lots of women like cats, you become a cat man and the ladies will gravitate to you. Thirty years ago I was in a similar situation as you find yourself. XW and I separted, a thousand miles from home, totally in a dark hole of despair, from separating, feeling hopeless and no friends. I was totally alone. I had no one to talk to other than by long distance, I needed people in my life to interact with, and begin the healing. But where does one begin? walking up to a total stranger and asking them if they would like to be my friend, was not the answer. I discovered the answer by accident. I needed to get away from emptiness of my apartment, which we had shared just a month before, so took our two young cats to a local park. The XW and I had taken them to this park several times in the past, and I felt that they too wanted to get out The cats turned out to be a chick magnet. One of the first people I noticed was this fine looking woman skating, short shorts, you get the picture. Shocked me, when about the third trip by she stopped to take a break and came over to me to meet my cats. (Two months later we began dating.) Other girls stopped by, just to pet the cats and talk to me, one of them had her boy friend, whom after talking for awhile and finding out that I was new to the area brought me over a cold one, they were having a bar-b-q with friends, after playing a softball game. The next weekend I was playing softball and bar-b-quing with them, It was the beginning of a long friendship. It was my cats who opened the door for me, strangers were interested in my cats and I got to meet them Get a puppy, a definite chick magnet, and he will be your best friend for years.
Author mikeymad Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 Hey guys, thanks for the replies. In a weird way I'm glad some people remembered me, although I hope it was for my good advice rather than my problems. It just feels like I am moving through this so G-D awfully slow. I believe I have started doing other things, I've gotten involved in triathalons, as the rigorous training is somewhat cathartic. I've learned to let go with love, but I guess I haven't let go completely, as I still have that hope in the back of my head, as opposed to the forefront back in the beginning of all this mess. I know I'm a wreck, and I know that's unfair to anyone else to try to deal with, but at the same time becoming social is something I feel is necessary, as I'm pretty much isolated with my work (which takes up a big chunk of my time). Sometimes I just feel like I'm coasting through this life recently like a ghost. Smile on my face to make it through the day, but at the end I just feel....empty. Like I'm filling my life with all these things and people and busyness, but when the silence settles in it's just me and the man in the mirror. Just going through a tough time lately.
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