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Letting my bias show again..... Special things your spouse does for you....

Toodamnpragmatic

By Toodamnpragmatic
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Eeyore79 Established Member

Eeyore79

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Posted

I think some people don't really know what to do to make another person feel loved, having never had anyone who did those things for them, and having never seen their parents do those things for each other either.

 

* I make special dinners for my partner at least once a week, and he only has to mention that he fancies a particular dessert or a pie or whatever and I'll produce it.

 

* I sometimes bring him little presents like a bar of chocolate or a book

 

* I tell him how much I care about him, and send him texts, and call him just to make kissy noises down the phone

 

* I email interesting articles to him if I think he'll enjoy reading them

 

* I send him e-cards with soppy messages, and I write bad poetry for him

 

* I sometimes run him a bath and bring him a glass of wine, then give him a massage afterwards

 

* I provide *ahem* sexual favours without demanding anything in return, often while he's watching tv, or taking a shower, or when he wakes up in the morning

 

* I unexpectedly put on sexy underwear and wait for him to notice, then let him have his wicked way with me

 

Of course he does nice things for me too, but I'd like to think I do my fair share towards keeping him happy. Some people just need a push in the right direction to understand how to behave in a relationship, especially if they haven't had experience of that sort of caring relationship before.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Being honest....I don't respond well to anyone telling me what I'm doing wrong and how to do it "better". Neither does my H. Most people don't, I'm guessing. If she used the word "dictating", she is telling you she feels controlled. You are now entering the brutal world of power struggles, where everyone is a loser :o

 

The approach that works for us, peacefully, is expressing concerns while eliciting the partner's ideas to solve the problem. Even if you have the "perfect" solution in mind already (moving the appt), see what ideas she has.

 

For example:

 

"I'm concerned because you've been exhausted lately, and we haven't had much fun time together. How can we reschedule things so that you can get some more rest?"

 

Once she throws out some ideas, you can throw out some of yours--just as more "ideas"...not as "the ultimate solution".

 

As long as she gets enough rest, and you get enough time together, it really doesn't matter when the appt is, right? So put out those concerns, and see what solutions you can come up with together.

 

Hate trying to then backtrack. She snaps at the suggestions I make and turns things into a power struggle.... Hard to explain (without being a fly on the wall).

 

The point (and yes she hates me flogging the dead horse), was this situation was as a result of her telling me she needed the first appointment so she would not have to wait. When I commented that I find it rude of professionals to make you wait, she then said she chose the early appt for a different reason. I was lost and said if he is punctual, then go between 10-2 (forgoing traffic like I do for appointments and knowing traffic patterns well) and get some sleep. It spiraled from there as I was only giving my 2 cents. The problem is she came from a family that did not communicate well back and forth (though she is happy to tell me how wrong I always am)...... Yes I am being nasty on what is a bad day for me....... It is not that bad, but I am making a point that while I had a cogent proposal and presented it that way, I never stood a chance and had her jump all over me.....

hopeful1980 Established Member

hopeful1980

Posted
Posted

There have been times when I have felt like my husband wasn't doing anything for me. I have felt like I was putting in all the heavy lifting in the relationship and he was dead weight.

 

So I stopped. I focused all of the attention I was giving him on myself. I started taking care of mysef instead. I started doing the nice things for myself that I had been doing for him. If they happened to include him, then so be it but I didn't do the nice things FOR him anymore.

 

I helped me and my marriage in a number of ways. First of all I stopped feeling like I wasn't appreciated because I was appreciating myself. Second, my husband's attraction to me became stronger because he liked the new confidence I had in myself and that turned into him doing more things for me. Go figure.

EnigmasMuse Established Member

EnigmasMuse

Posted
Posted

Resentments are like a cancer! It will eat away at and destroy your relationships and yourself. So if you or your wife have any resentments or unresolved issues, I hope you both are able to work on them in some kind of MC or even IC. If not, at some point one is going to have to make a decision about things. No one wants to continue to live with resentments, they wont get better all by themselves.

mem11363 Established Member

mem11363

Posted
Posted (edited)

I would "at most" gently suggest more sleep.

 

However I would hammer her for a pattern of fatigue based crankiness if she was making bad schedule choices. I would not tell her how to solve it - not my job. I would simply give AT LEAST as good as I got on the cranky front.

 

If she is tired by her own design she needs to manage her emotions.

 

I have yet to see a woman have passion for a man she can steamroll without breaking a sweat. And honestly - for me personally - I could not have long term passion for a wife I could steamroll.

 

My partner needs to have a spine. The other day after my W roughed me up over something I had screwed up, I started thinking about how "strong" she is and how hot that is.

 

As for Carhill's comment about a balance in terms of love and giving - I 100 percent agree with that. Consistently the people who are the MOST tense and anxious and feel the MOST unloved are those who express way way more love to their partners than they receive in return.

 

Being honest....I don't respond well to anyone telling me what I'm doing wrong and how to do it "better". Neither does my H. Most people don't, I'm guessing. If she used the word "dictating", she is telling you she feels controlled. You are now entering the brutal world of power struggles, where everyone is a loser :o

 

The approach that works for us, peacefully, is expressing concerns while eliciting the partner's ideas to solve the problem. Even if you have the "perfect" solution in mind already (moving the appt), see what ideas she has.

 

For example:

 

"I'm concerned because you've been exhausted lately, and we haven't had much fun time together. How can we reschedule things so that you can get some more rest?"

 

Once she throws out some ideas, you can throw out some of yours--just as more "ideas"...not as "the ultimate solution".

 

As long as she gets enough rest, and you get enough time together, it really doesn't matter when the appt is, right? So put out those concerns, and see what solutions you can come up with together.

Edited by mem11363
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted (edited)

LOL, once I grew a spine and started 'roughing things up', the sheriff showed up at the door with some nice papers for me that I didn't even have to sign for. Nice gun. I thought that was pretty special. It freed my soul :)

Edited by carhill
xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
It is not that bad, but I am making a point that while I had a cogent proposal and presented it that way, I never stood a chance and had her jump all over me.....

 

That sounds like she was already irritated. Irritated with you? Is she generally irritated with you?

 

If so, back to the question---how often? What is the ratio of good moods to bad?

 

Are you mistaking her venting with her asking for help? Sometimes men (I'll be sexist :p) feel they need to offer solutions, when all women want is a listening ear.

giotto Established Member

giotto

Posted
Posted

sounds to me she is unhappy, for whatever reason...

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
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sounds to me she is unhappy, for whatever reason...

 

The usual ups and downs...... Why? Could be sexist and say PMS.....:p

 

As for xxoo - 90% is good, the 10% bad really bothers me as there is no reason.... I will be honest saying I am the one with stress and issues to work through, not her (work)....

 

The shared stresses frankly are minimal for now....

giotto Established Member

giotto

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The usual ups and downs...... Why? Could be sexist and say PMS.....:p

 

ah, ups and downs... but you seem to get quite upset at the "downs"... :D

Frankly, I remember actually having a proper row with my wife about 3 times in 25 years... I'm quite surprise people in LTR still "blow their top off", so to speak... but that's probably why our marriage is not that good... :D

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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Could be sexist and say PMS.....:p

 

Do you think it is correlated with her cycle? That's one reason I suggested the journal....

 

PMS isn't a sexist thought at all. It's real, and it's intense! (just don't blame her behaviors on PMS in the moment :o).

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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ah, ups and downs... but you seem to get quite upset at the "downs"... :D

Frankly, I remember actually having a proper row with my wife about 3 times in 25 years... I'm quite surprise people in LTR still "blow their top off", so to speak... but that's probably why our marriage is not that good... :D

 

Not huge arguments, just triggers. Like your spouse, mine too likes to shut off when she is upset or think she has been wronged. Also she is lousy at reading my moods (which really for the most part is usually pretty good) or reacting.

 

I am not trying to be nasty, but she never thinks she is wrong or has anything to do with how I feel. She then also turns it into that I am a martyr and pathetically defensive.... Again an example.... Yesterday she comes home and I am preparing dinner and within 30 seconds she has commented on how I sliced the meet and prepped the vegetables..... Right or wrong the way she said was snarky and said in a way that set me off that I am incapable of doing things properly (to her specs). Yes everyone ate their meals (she had seconds) and while I know what I can do next time I make it, all was fine. This is what happens when both spouses are in a bad mood and one never wants to back down......

 

Yes I am cranky and do expect all will be fine by tonight, but yes I will be the one to make the overtures to call a truce....;):D:laugh:

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
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Do you think it is correlated with her cycle? That's one reason I suggested the journal....

 

PMS isn't a sexist thought at all. It's real, and it's intense! (just don't blame her behaviors on PMS in the moment :o).

 

Now we can add menopause to the mix and PMS can last weeks as periods are fluctuating...... I can not read minds and a warning would never hurt......;):p:)......

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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Interesting coincidence (same issue wrt PMS/meno), though I wouldn't consider it to be a 'special thing your spouse does for you'. At least not the kind of special which fosters a desire for intimacy in my heart. Reciprocation, sure. ;)

Gfkr2 Established Member

Gfkr2

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Let's see, She was pretty damn accomodating in terms of being ready, willing and able to roll around in the sack whenever I wanted for almost 26 years.

 

Unfortuantely, her willingness to roll around extended to 3 OM too:mad:

 

Didn't really do much more in terms of "special" things as I look back.

giotto Established Member

giotto

Posted
Posted
Again an example.... Yesterday she comes home and I am preparing dinner and within 30 seconds she has commented on how I sliced the meet and prepped the vegetables..... Right or wrong the way she said was snarky and said in a way that set me off that I am incapable of doing things properly (to her specs). Yes everyone ate their meals (she had seconds) and while I know what I can do next time I make it, all was fine. This is what happens when both spouses are in a bad mood and one never wants to back down......

 

 

mmm... my wife would have never said anything like that to me...

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted (edited)
Yesterday she comes home and I am preparing dinner and within 30 seconds she has commented on how I sliced the meet and prepped the vegetables....

 

Seems like this is such a "young wife" mistake....hasn't she learned yet if you want it done "right", you have to do it yourself? Better to be happy than to be right? Don't bite the hand that (literally) feeds you??? Why haven't these basic lessons been learned over the decades?

 

Right or wrong the way she said was snarky and said in a way that set me off that I am incapable of doing things properly (to her specs).

 

Since she isn't here to talk about her part...and since "you can only control yourself" (another lesson learned in a long term marriage)....does it have to set you off? How about a quick, "Thank you, Emeril" to lightly remind her to back off. If that doesn't work, how about a lustful "I love it when you channel Giada..." while acting hot and bothered. That's sure to make her think twice about commenting on the chef's techniques :lmao:

Edited by xxoo
carhill Established Member

carhill

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'Here, let me keep this knife in my hand while I kiss you' ;)

Clep Established Member

Clep

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I have a great wife, and a good marriage (repeat that over and over)..... I think and know I do many things for her that are special (gifts, flowers, organizing getaways for us and her, driving to appointments she can do herself, picking up when she is out with friends and had a drink or two, getting things, cleaning, prepping something special, buying gifts for the heck of it.....). I also put thought into anniversaries, birthdays.... No I am not perfect, however feel I am fairly low maintenance and expect very little......

 

But I can't think the last time she did anything for me (outside bringing home maybe a dessert or leftovers if she is at a dinner party).

 

Is this a one-sided relationship or do other spouses feel this way or see this as a pattern in their marriages? I read the article posted in the Infidelities section on wives planning or leaving marriages to seemingly great spouses and think these men are all lost as to why it happens and the little things they thought they were doing to keep the marriage happy but got little credit for?

 

Again I am happy, but think this is a male thing and women generally come to expect this as a given.

 

Know this may stick in many a woman's craw, but think this is fairly typical of males.

 

My female friends think I'm whipped. haha. They are much like you are stating and don't do much if anything at all for their men, but expect romance and the whole deal.

 

I think we live in a society where men are expected to do all the work and we learn that from a young age. It is a very sad situation.

 

I do romantic things for my SO all the time, try to look good, smell good and be his fantasy daily.

 

He does the same type of things for me all the time. He does really great things.

 

We take turns and we are usually planning some way to outdo each other. It is like we answer back what the other has done. We try to make sure a week doesn't go by without something big. We also race to text each other how we feel every day.

 

His friends used to think he was whipped and the same with mine.

 

We split twice and were not like this either time we were together before. We dealt with lots of pressure from friends upon our last reconcilliation but we don't anymore. After they saw the results in our relationship now, they keep their mouths shut.

blair08 Established Member

blair08

Posted
Posted
My female friends think I'm whipped. haha. They are much like you are stating and don't do much if anything at all for their men, but expect romance and the whole deal.

 

I think we live in a society where men are expected to do all the work and we learn that from a young age. It is a very sad situation.

 

I do romantic things for my SO all the time, try to look good, smell good and be his fantasy daily.

 

He does the same type of things for me all the time. He does really great things.

 

We take turns and we are usually planning some way to outdo each other. It is like we answer back what the other has done. We try to make sure a week doesn't go by without something big. We also race to text each other how we feel every day.

 

His friends used to think he was whipped and the same with mine.

 

We split twice and were not like this either time we were together before. We dealt with lots of pressure from friends upon our last reconcilliation but we don't anymore. After they saw the results in our relationship now, they keep their mouths shut.

 

 

This sounds like a situation where both people involved wanted to work on things to make the relationship work/survive. However,and sadly, I don't think its that way for some people. One wants to work on it, while the other one doesn't, I don't see that working out at all. I'm glad things worked out and turned around for you! :)

mem11363 Established Member

mem11363

Posted
Posted

I would describe 5% of our interactions at home as contentious. But I don't feel "abused" in any manner as I think the fault is 50/50, the pain inflicted is close to 50/50 and the approach/apology ratio is near 50/50.

 

If she wouldn't ever admit fault - we would have never lasted. An apology - when you are clearly in the wrong is simply a sign of respect for your partner and for their feelings. I could not partner with someone who did not treat me with respect.

 

I don't need 100 percent compliance when feel I am owed an apology. But I create enough tension to eliminate any behavior pattern that I find highly objectionable.

 

You cannot possibly expect someone to stop "kicking" you, if you are always the one approaching them to "kiss and makeup".

 

 

Seems like this is such a "young wife" mistake....hasn't she learned yet if you want it done "right", you have to do it yourself? Better to be happy than to be right? Don't bite the hand that (literally) feeds you??? Why haven't these basic lessons been learned over the decades?

 

 

 

Since she isn't here to talk about her part...and since "you can only control yourself" (another lesson learned in a long term marriage)....does it have to set you off? How about a quick, "Thank you, Emeril" to lightly remind her to back off. If that doesn't work, how about a lustful "I love it when you channel Giada..." while acting hot and bothered. That's sure to make her think twice about commenting on the chef's techniques :lmao:

NancyBotwin Established Member

NancyBotwin

Posted
Posted

TDP- Has she always been that way even a little, and it's gotten worse over the years, or is this something recent. I'm not privvy to your other threads, but she sound kind of like she expects this from you, like she's entitled to take and it's not necessary to give in return. Was she brought up that way? I don't mean to insult your wife, but based only upon your description (without her side of the story), she sounds spoiled.

 

OR- she recognizes the things you do, but she does things you don't see or recognize, and thinks that's enough. If you don't recognize her contribution, she doesn't recognize yours.

 

I'll give an example. My parents have been married since the earth cooled. There was a time when they loved each other and thought they had a great marriage, but he did all of the stuff on all of their properties (which was a lot), kept everything up and running, did most of the housework. My mom had a business that provided a greater share of income, so she paid most of the bills. In different ways, their contributions were equal, but they would often complain that one never did as much as the other.

 

I hope you don't mind me saying, but you two might be better than ever if you two could just communicate better.

mem11363 Established Member

mem11363

Posted
Posted (edited)

This has always seemed less about communication and more about a willingness to demand a certain level of treatment.

 

You cannot possibly allow a situation where either party (gender neutral comment) never approaches to resolve and never apologizes.

 

Read Giotto's posts on this. He always approached his W to resolve their fights. And the fights never lasted very long even though she was behaving in a manner that made him increasingly unhappy. If one person is always "taking" the bullet it reinforces a subtle but terribly important message to their partner "I DON'T DESERVE YOU" and it's evil twin brother which is "YOU COULD DO BETTER THAN ME". Nothing will bring out someones "inner monkey" more certainly than that message.

 

I actually like it that often we BOTH apologize because most situations are not 100 percent fault on one side and zero on the other. That said, it is also true that this is a capitalist household. Everything is not equal. If you are 90 percent to blame you step up - you admit and make amends and you get no "sharing" from your partner.

 

The funniest thing about all this is my W sounds very similar to TDP's in baseline behavior. But the key is not to just "accept" it. My W has no patience for a conflict avoidant, passive response to bad behavior. Hers or anyone else's. She has a 1950's view of what makes a good wife (except for the idea that she is completely in charge of pretty much everything), and a 1950's view of what a husband should be.

 

If she didn't have a killer sense of humor - including about herself - this wouldn't work. But the gut wrenching laughter that comes from pointing out each other's quirks seems to heal the cuts and contusions inflicted during conflict.....

 

I think later today I am going to have some fun with her about the 1950's W, and the "in charge" contradiction.

 

TDP- Has she always been that way even a little, and it's gotten worse over the years, or is this something recent. I'm not privvy to your other threads, but she sound kind of like she expects this from you, like she's entitled to take and it's not necessary to give in return. Was she brought up that way? I don't mean to insult your wife, but based only upon your description (without her side of the story), she sounds spoiled.

 

OR- she recognizes the things you do, but she does things you don't see or recognize, and thinks that's enough. If you don't recognize her contribution, she doesn't recognize yours.

 

I'll give an example. My parents have been married since the earth cooled. There was a time when they loved each other and thought they had a great marriage, but he did all of the stuff on all of their properties (which was a lot), kept everything up and running, did most of the housework. My mom had a business that provided a greater share of income, so she paid most of the bills. In different ways, their contributions were equal, but they would often complain that one never did as much as the other.

 

I hope you don't mind me saying, but you two might be better than ever if you two could just communicate better.

Edited by mem11363
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