Letting my bias show again..... Special things your spouse does for you....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I have a great wife, and a good marriage (repeat that over and over)..... I think and know I do many things for her that are special (gifts, flowers, organizing getaways for us and her, driving to appointments she can do herself, picking up when she is out with friends and had a drink or two, getting things, cleaning, prepping something special, buying gifts for the heck of it.....). I also put thought into anniversaries, birthdays.... No I am not perfect, however feel I am fairly low maintenance and expect very little......

 

But I can't think the last time she did anything for me (outside bringing home maybe a dessert or leftovers if she is at a dinner party).

 

Is this a one-sided relationship or do other spouses feel this way or see this as a pattern in their marriages? I read the article posted in the Infidelities section on wives planning or leaving marriages to seemingly great spouses and think these men are all lost as to why it happens and the little things they thought they were doing to keep the marriage happy but got little credit for?

 

Again I am happy, but think this is a male thing and women generally come to expect this as a given.

 

Know this may stick in many a woman's craw, but think this is fairly typical of males.

Edited August 17, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[WalkInThePark]

I have a great wife, and a good marriage (repeat that over and over)..... I think and know I do many things for her that are special (gifts, flowers, organizing getaways for us and her, driving to appointments she can do herself, picking up when she is out with friends and had a drink or two, getting things, cleaning, prepping something special, buying gifts for the heck of it.....). I also put thought into anniversaries, birthdays.... No I am not perfect, however feel I am fairly low maintenance and expect very little......

 

But I can't think the last time she did anything for me (outside bringing home maybe a dessert or leftovers if she is at a dinner party).

 

Is the a one-sided relationship or do other spouses feel this way. Again I am happy, but think this is a male thing and women generally come to expect this as a given.

 

Know this may stick in many a woman's craw, but think this is fairly typical of males.

 

Doesn't sound like a good marriage to me... too unbalanced.

 

I consider myself as a very attentive person but unfortunately the partners I have had in my life were very often not very attentive which is probably the reason why my relationships did not last.

So I don't think being attentive is typical for men.

 

If I love a man, I like to give small presents which reflect something he has told me about or which is very important for him, send him sweet or sexy text messages, scan a newspaper article related to his job, send him an internet link which, cook a nice dinner, make sure his favourite drink or dessert is in the fridge, etc...

I love to do all things but I like to receive things in return...

[goodgrief]

I refuse to answer the above question on the grounds that the response might incriminate me.

All I will say, is that I would describe my ex as having an attitude not dissimilar to that of Jabba the Hutt.

[quankanne]

Is this a one-sided relationship or do other spouses feel this way or see this as a pattern in their marriages? I read the article posted in the Infidelities section on wives planning or leaving marriages to seemingly great spouses and think these men are all lost as to why it happens and the little things they thought they were doing to keep the marriage happy but got little credit for?

 

good question, but I don't really think it boils down to one sex being better about being considerate or attentive, because I've known men who go out of their way to show their partners how much they care about them by doing those little things.

 

there's a book by Jodi Picoult about a couple impacted by the husband's affair with her employee. While she's still in the dark about the other relationship, she meets her husband's cousin, who tells her "it's 60/40" and she has no idea of what he's talking about.

 

the percentages, he said, are how much a partner gives to a relationship, and rarely is it ever a 50-50 mix, because there is always going to be one person who loves more. And I think there's a lot of truth to that – it's a fluid thing, but I believe that there is always one person who is going to go the extra mile to show how much he or she appreciates his/her partner, and the other one is merely going to be the recipient of those thoughtful actions.

 

that said, you've got to be aware of the different ways there are to show love to someone – The Five Love Languages is a fantastic book that talks about this stuff, and points out that if we just take the time to learn our partner's language, we can make huge improvements to the relationship because we come to realize the other person isn't cold or inconsiderate or hateful ... he/she just has a different style of showing that love.

[SarahRose]

Does she cook, clean the house, do your laundry, pay the bills, organize things, shop for groceries, etc.?

[carhill]

Stbx used to bring home sour gummy worms (a special treat I enjoyed) when she did the grocery shopping (we either switched off or did it together). I can't really think of anything else. We both shared all the household chores and she occasionally helped me around the property on the outside.

 

In our case, unhealthily, I loved far too much in excess of balance and the rebound of that excess, again unhealthily, was my EA. Lessons learned

 

Care less, achieve better control *and* balance.

[SarahRose]

He takes care of me when I'm sick.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Does she cook, clean the house, do your laundry, pay the bills, organize things, shop for groceries, etc.?

 

Female explaining (or trying to rationalize) that spouse must do all these other things....

 

FYI I probably do 75% of the cooking, we pay our own bills, I do more cleaning (she fine tunes), I do 80% of the grocery shopping and she doesn't let me near the laundry, though I am capable......

[SarahRose]

Female explaining (or trying to rationalize) that spouse must do all these other things....

 

FYI I probably do 75% of the cooking, we pay our own bills, I do more cleaning (she fine tunes), I do 80% of the grocery shopping and she doesn't let me near the laundry, though I am capable......

 

Really? You must be pretty unusual.

[carhill]

Nope, my marriage was the same way. After separating, I just went back to doing all the chores like I did for 20 years before being married. By not proactively thinking of loving things to do (and doing) for my wife, I found I had far more time and energy for other pursuits. It all works out

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Really? You must be pretty unusual.

 

Somewhat unusual, but I hope not ridiculously so..... Some things come pretty easy to me and are not a big deal, while they require effort on another's part.....

[PandorasBox]

In my last relationship it was pretty much one sided. I did alot for him, and got little in return. I think it was the type of person he was. However, it got to the point to where I stopped doing for him too. I got tired of being the one to do, and give while he took. I also stopped because I grew resentful. I think sometimes people stop doing/giving because of resentment towards the other person, and sometimes that person is left wondering why, when all along it might be resentment. JMO.

[xxoo]

I have a great wife, and a good marriage (repeat that over and over)..... I think and know I do many things for her that are special (gifts, flowers, organizing getaways for us and her, driving to appointments she can do herself, picking up when she is out with friends and had a drink or two, getting things, cleaning, prepping something special, buying gifts for the heck of it.....). I also put thought into anniversaries, birthdays.... No I am not perfect, however feel I am fairly low maintenance and expect very little......

 

But I can't think the last time she did anything for me (outside bringing home maybe a dessert or leftovers if she is at a dinner party).

 

Is this a one-sided relationship or do other spouses feel this way or see this as a pattern in their marriages? I read the article posted in the Infidelities section on wives planning or leaving marriages to seemingly great spouses and think these men are all lost as to why it happens and the little things they thought they were doing to keep the marriage happy but got little credit for?

 

Again I am happy, but think this is a male thing and women generally come to expect this as a given.

 

Know this may stick in many a woman's craw, but think this is fairly typical of males.

 

I'm going to read this post to my H later today and see what he says. I have a feeling our relationship is very similar, but he doesn't feel it is imbalanced. Maybe he'll be in a generous mood and humor me with a response to a message board question, but I won't hold my breath

 

I do 95% of the housework (happily), though, and much of that is directly caring for his daily needs (hot dinner, clean clothes, tidy places to relax, etc).

[maybebaby]

I would say you are in, what seems to me, to be a bit too one sided of a relationship. I know with my xh that I was always the one to do anything and everything and it sucked, left me feeling drained and used up in the end.

 

With my fiance things are different at home we split the household chores about 60/40, I do more because I, at the moment, work fewer hours. When we work similar hours we split them pretty much 50/50. I am better at the day to day stuff, I always buy his favorite snacks, make his favorite meals when I cook, I make his lunch every day, if I have time I get the newspaper while he takes his turn in the shower so that he can read it over breakfast. I'm the one who thinks to grab him a sweater before we leave the house with friends, I have sent him flowers at work several times when I knew he was having a bad day, and I am more likely to put a love note in his lunch than he is in mine. He however is better at the bigger things, he took me on a surprise 9 day vacation for my birthday, he surprises me with tickets to a show I wanted to see, he sees me admiring earrings at the store and insists on buying them for me even when I politely decline. I do leave more love notes but he leaves some, and we both send sweet text messages and call for no reason.

 

Truthfully on a day to day basis I sometimes feel like I give more and do more than he does but if I look at this objectively and consider all the times he's surprised me with a date, how much of his time he put into planning our surprise vacation, and the amount of time and money he puts into our relationship I would have to say it's pretty close to equal.

 

Maybe you can bring it up gently, talk to your wife about it. Instead of just saying "you aren't doing enough for me" say "lets talk about the things I can do for you." Then talk to her about the things you do that make her feel special and loved and use this to move into the things she could do to make you feel loved. Challenge yourself and her too, by association with the conversation, to spend a certain number of minutes in the day or hours in the week doing sweet and thoughtful things for one another. If you can keep that going long enough and she sees positive feedback it may well become part of her normal activities. Alternatively you can ask her if you're doing a good enough job making her feel loved and say that you want to know because she doesn't seem to be responding in kind and you want to know if there is a reason for that. Maybe just knowing that you could use some more thoughtfulness will encourage her to be more giving.

[InceptorsRule]

If you can thrill her in bed the rest of it really doesn't matter.

 

If you're a dud in the sack then you're sunk no matter how good you look in an apron holding a feather duster.

[carhill]

That's a two way street (the 'sack'), so, 'If you can thrill *your spouse*'.

 

I will never again participate in such an unequal dynamic. I hope 'the sack' works out

[SarahRose]

I'm going to read this post to my H later today and see what he says. I have a feeling our relationship is very similar, but he doesn't feel it is imbalanced. Maybe he'll be in a generous mood and humor me with a response to a message board question, but I won't hold my breath

 

I do 95% of the housework (happily), though, and much of that is directly caring for his daily needs (hot dinner, clean clothes, tidy places to relax, etc).

 

He would probably write here that he is doing 90% of the housework lol.

[nddb]

I'm in the same situation. It used to bother me.

 

But then I realize that it makes me happy to be focusing on something other than the dreary day-to-day work, home maintenance, sleep, repeat.

 

That I am happy in a functioning and content household and I'm especially happy having someone I love so I can focus my "giving" energy to.

 

My wife does do a lot for me and in return, she gets all the good stuff I learn, some from from the internet (including LS) that women say they like to get more from their men (tailored for her taste of course).

 

In the end, I'm just realistic. Yeah, it may seem I'm doing most of the flowers, love letters, dinner dates, texts, massages but I AM (emphasis) very happy to have someone special to receive them and appreciate them.

 

It would be sad if I have no such person. That is just me and so I understand what you mean TDP about being happy although it seems unbalanced.

[xxoo]

I'm going to read this post to my H later today and see what he says. I have a feeling our relationship is very similar, but he doesn't feel it is imbalanced. Maybe he'll be in a generous mood and humor me with a response to a message board question, but I won't hold my breath

 

I do 95% of the housework (happily), though, and much of that is directly caring for his daily needs (hot dinner, clean clothes, tidy places to relax, etc).

 

He actually read it! And responded!

 

His response: "Take off the panties."

 

Basically, he thinks this is the man's job in a relationship, and he's comfy with that.

 

I asked what he gets in return.

 

His response: "You."

 

He would probably write here that he is doing 90% of the housework lol.

 

haha, no, he agrees I do almost all of it. I'm home during the day, so what else am I going to do?

[redtail]

Really? You must be pretty unusual.

 

I'm starting to think not. I do 95% (at least) of the house work, I do 99% of the grocery shopping, includes a weekly trip to the farmer's market, I do the 95% of the cooking (I like to cook, she doesn't) and I always do the laundry because she is really lousy at it. But I also do the usual "man chores" such as yard work, house and car maintenance. Again, I like to do that stuff.

 

But it's true, it is unbalanced, what are you going to do?

[SarahRose]

From my marriage counseling, here is an exercise he had us do. I won't even charge the $75.

 

Take the 5 languages of love test, both people have to take it.

 

Then each person make a list of 5 things their partner does/can do that would make them feel loved. Then write 5 things you do to make the other person feel loved.

 

Go over the test and discuss the results. Then go over the lists and discuss the results. Then have your partner/spouse choose 2 things they would like you to do for 2 weeks and you choose 2 things you want them to do for you.

 

Then you do it.

 

Communication is the key.

[carhill]

Wow, great deal. Psychologists must cost more, or I got ripped off

 

Yeah, we did that exercise. It's a great one. It was part of my learning to listen more completely and mirror less work.

 

It was during those exercises and the subsequent discussions that the reasons to divorce emerged. Stbx didn't *want* to do the simple (not grandiose nor expensive nor demeaning) things which made me feel loved. I accepted that and we filed for divorce. Hope she finds a man who floats that boat.

 

I'll give one example, because this thread is about special things a spouse does....

 

Every morning, before she went to work, I'd make her breakfast and have it ready for her (road breakfast, because she rarely made time to sit and eat) and kiss her goodbye, tell her I loved her, etc, etc. Normal stuff, but I made that effort every morning. Now, some mornings, not that often, when I had to be out in the shop working early, I asked her (as part of the love languages thing) to stop and say goodbye (yes, I actually asked) and, other than one time, the few times she actually did this, she would drive up and *honk the horn*. It was experiences like this, over time, which led me to 'my love died one day at a time' and my unhealthy EA.

 

Today, she'd have been out on her azz after the first horn honk. Bye-bye.

[SarahRose]

carhill, sounds like you got ripped off j/k.

 

Your example is perfect.

 

Really it is the little things that make a difference.

 

 

She wasn't willing to do the simple thing you asked her to do and that spoke volumes.

 

Did she really want the breakfast every morning? Was acts of service top on her list?

 

Others reading this thread

Marriage counseling can't "fix" every problem but it really does help with communication and bringing topics to the surface and like in your case, you realized that it wasn't worth it to stick around and there is nothing wrong with that.

[keane2010]

Maybe there are underlying issues she needs to address, such as depression or medical issues like thyroid. I've tried to help my wife address some of these root causes instead, because the discussions about her participation didn't go well.

 

When my wife goes through a good spell, she cooks more and does the laundry. Otherwise, I cook more. Unfortunately, the bad spell last longer than the good. I take care of all outside tasks, plus remodeling our home and all the cleaning indoors. It's just not her nature to compliment or do special things to show appreciation.

 

As we've aged, our personalities have become even more different. I'm very expressive and try to be spontaneous in creating new ways to let her know how I feel. It was only after a recent serious illness that it hit me just how one-sided our relationship was, and that maybe she is wrong and the problem is not all me.

 

Probably the most common reason she gives for not complimenting or showing appreciation is because I get enough at work and my hobbies (I've received a number of plaques for accomplishments and patents at work).

 

I definately don't think the statement about being good in the sack making up for a husband's shortcomings elsewhere applies in cases where the wife struggles with even basic displays of appreciation and affection. Heck, after ten years of marriage, I finally asked her why we even bother going to the beach on vacation. She said its because she likes to hear the sound of the waves outside the window of our bedroom.

[carhill]

Continuing on to the positive, stbx did like to 'groom' me, which I faced with both appreciation and apprehension, as she had this fetish about zit popping Seriously, though, I'll always remember those times sitting in the kitchen or out on the patio while she went to work with her 'gear' (she's a stylist) and made the greasemonkey look presentable to the world. In return, I'd give her massages, even though I was likely lousy at it, but always found those times to be some of the most intimate and 'special' to me.

 

I think even a 'bad' marriage has positive elements, so offer them as relevant.