Mutual break that ended with her moving on to someone new

[meltdown69]

Sorry for the length of the post, but it's necessary to paint my picture.

 

My relationship of over 4 years has recently come to an end. She, a divorced mother of 2. I, a single unattached male completely devoted to her. Her divorce turned into a bitter custody battle and lasted for 3 years out of our 4 year relationship (it's still not completely over with). We went through a lot together... I took a lot of the heat for what her ex was putting her through. He has been dating the girl that he an affair with and is still with her 5 years later. So she has a lot to deal with, I know it's been difficult for her. I've bent over backwards for her and done everything I can imagine, to try and bring some sort of happiness to her life. We even bought a house together, and I moved my entire life to a new city (an hour away) in hopes that we could start new there once it was all over with.

So I have been in this new city for the last year and 3 months by myself. She has been back in the city that's she's hated dealing with everything on her own. I did what I could to support her but it's been difficult with the distance. She decided that she was going to settle out of court with her ex and by doing so would not be able to move as we had planned... at least not into the home that we had already purchased. Since the settlement, she has felt guilt.... guilt that she gave in to her ex and guilt that i was in this new city on my own. She started to make more of an effort but we argued a lot. She felt like I was no longer supporting her and not putting forth the effort that she was and that she was used to from me. In a way she was, but I felt like even when i did make more of an effort it was definitely not appreciated by her and she would find something to argue with me over.

About a month ago, we had a pretty big argument that ended with us basically calling it quits. She then began to email/text that she didn't want to be without me, she didn't want anyone else... that she wanted to make everything work and that she's just been so stressed and knows that she's extremely impatient and wants to change for the better. I told her that I did NOT want to end things for good either, but I felt like we needed some time apart to work on ourselves. That's how it was left

 

We took a break, with a bit of light contact. I was feeling more and more that I wanted to recommit myself to her and her children and sell the house and move back to her if I needed to. I did not reach out to her to tell her this right away because I wanted to give her the time she said she needed/wanted too. Unfortunately, during this 3 week break she began to talk to someone else. She said she wasn't looking for it and that the opportunity just presented itself. She also said that I was the one that ended things with her and what did I expect her to do? Sit and wait until I decided what was best for me? She knew what she wanted and was afraid that if i decided she wasn't what I wanted that she would be alone. She began to feel resentful toward me and that after 4 years, I didn't know what I wanted. I never told her I wanted it over. I knew we argued more than we should've been but the reasons for these arguments, I felt, could be rectified.

 

So we were together for over 4 years and during the 3 week break she has decided to turn her back on us... on me... for this new guy. He's divorced with 2 children of his own, and lives in the same city that she does... so apparently she has a huge connection with him. The city that she has despised since the day I met her, is now that place that she wants to make her life happy. I moved my life and did everything I could to support her and her children through the divorce and now, it's all for nothing.

 

After she told me about this new guy, i told her exactly how I felt. That I didn't want things to be over, that I wanted to put more of an effort into it and that I would do whatever I could to change things on my end. I didn't beg, and I didn't plead... I just told her how it was. Because she felt like I was the one that ended it with her, and because she's so happy with this new guy... that she's sorry. She didn't mean to hurt me, but she's moving on with him.

 

I want her back, I truly feel that. However, I'm a bit confused if I feel that so much now because I know she's with someone else? She's still been in contact with me and wants to maintain some sort of a friendship. I have had NC with her for 3 days now. I can't just go NC for good because there's stuff with the house that we have to deal with. I miss the kids and I miss her...but she says she's so happy with this other guy. Because I told her that I wanted to do whatever i could to stay together with her she now might feel like if things don't work out with this new guy that I'll be here waiting for her.

[BigProc]

Ouch. It kind of makes a mockery of my situation. Did you say the break was 3 week? If so this new guy could be a rebound thing or just using him as a means to hurt you. You said you cant do nc because of house stuff. Could you put it on hold for 2/3 months? Go nc give yourself time for you to become stronger, heal some what and also give her chance to miss you. There is a very very good chance that this relationship is over, however because it seems in its very early stages you may have got more of a chance of a reconcile than most on here. I assume you have told her you want her back,so there is no need to beg, cry and plead for her to get back with you. In most situations this would just push them further into their arms. If you try and sort house stuff out now, it will lead to discussing the relationship, which in turn will lead to arguments, again pushing her further away. She knows how you feel, go nc for 2/3 months, show you wont be a doormat and be 2nd best. She will either realise she made a mistake and contact you within this time or she wont. If she doesnt then im sorry but she has truly moved on and no amount of begging will change that. If it is the worse case scenario at least you will feel much stronger when it comes to sorting the house out in 2/3 months time. When shes seen you have moved on she will regret it in the long run and realise what a great guy you are. In the meantime work on yourself, gym, running etc it will make you feel better physically and mentally. Good luck pal

[meltdown69]

The break was approximately 3 weeks, it was actually a little less than that. There really is no way to put off dealing with the house for that long. I wish I could, but she wants her name off the mortgage a.s.a.p. She also still has some things at my house that she has to get. I know that she was upset that I told her i needed a bit of time. But she reluctantly agreed to it as well, and spoke all of these words of never wanting anyone else and that I was the full package and everything else. I don't know how you could go from feeling that way, to deciding to move on after 4+ years in such a short period of time.

 

I have told her that I want her back and that I NEVER wanted to let it all go. The short time apart allowed me to realize that I wasn't giving her all of me. If you can imagine, going through a 3 year custody battle with someone wears on you, and I definitely wasn't the same guy I was at the beginning of the relationship. And she has definitely changed too, and not in a good way. So we both have room for improvement. She's a few years older than me and feels like her time is running out to get the things she wants out of life.... and that she wasn't going to allow me to hold her back from getting those things.

 

After she told me about this other guy, I told her everything that she wanted to hear only a couple weeks before. But now all the sudden it's too late, and she's willing to put all her chips on this hand that she hasn't even looked at yet.

 

May i ask what is your situation Proc?

Edited August 17, 2010 by meltdown69

[BigProc]

I was in a custody battle for my daughter. My gfriend at the time was very supportive and was my backbone really. It was a long winded situation and in the end the stress was too much and it split us up. I understand the amount of pressure it puts on a relationship. She seems serious about the breakup if shes wanting to remove her name from the mortgage. If you can't maintain full nc because of the house I think you should keep it to a minimum. Friendly, straight to the point txts/phonecalls. Absolutely no discussing the relationship, because at this time she seems to have made her mind up. Same with her fetching her stuff, could you get a relative to be there instead of you? If not once again, polite,friendly straight to the point conversation. No crying, no begging etc. If by chance the topic does arise, just tell her "yes you would like her back and you still love her, but for the forseable future you respect her decision", in a calm confident manner and leave it at that. (only if she brings up the topic of the relationship though). By doing this you are reminding her you still want her back, but without the crying and pleading you are giving off a calm confident aura, which will make her think you are not willing to be messed about. Once you have got the house sorted start proper nc asap and work on healing and moving on. She knows how you feel you don't need to tell her anymore. If she realises the grass isn't greener she will contact you and then you act calmly and accordingly. If she doesn't you know she has moved on and theres nothing you can do, however you should be well into nc by then and be starting to feel better. Hope this helps

[Fruitpunch]

Promising the world to someone after have broke up with you is the exact opposite of what you need to do dude.

They dont want to hear it. Your weakness is unattractive. Tell me if you need to, but say it once, then let her see your actoins of moving on with your life.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who is ****ing someone else 3 weeks later? come on dude, you need to aim higher than that

 

If you ever got back with her you would be her punchbag and youd resent her for getting with someone else

 

Take some time out, think and regroup

[meltdown69]

Of course, I felt like I was her backbone too. And she has told me that she knows she could not have done it all without me and would have given up.

She knows putting the horse before the carriage (buying the home before knowing she could move) was a mistake. If her name is off the mortgage, it's like it never happened, she doesn't have to worry about it anymore. She also isn't happy with her current home where she's living now and would like to move, and doesn't want her buying potential to be affected because her name is still tied to this house.

She has a key to my house still and could potentially pick her stuff up without me being there, and she can just leave the key. It isn't stuff that she NEEDS right away. It's more of just separating ties.

I wouldn't beg her to get back together, I have more self-respect than that and if she's so sure about herself right now... then it's her loss.

I'm losing 3 people though, and thats probably the hardest part. The kids have been like my own.... but ultimately they are not.

I saw her this past weekend so that I could retrieve a ring and give her some money I owed her. I told myself to not discuss the relationship and I did not. However, she did. I did as you said and acted calm and just told her how I was feeling... but it is what it is. But it was like she was trying to justify her actions by trying to put most of the blame on me. Unfortunate, but I think eventually she'll begin to think otherwise. I will keep you posted.

[meltdown69]

Fruit: I wasn't promising her the world. Only promising that I was willing to work harder to change the things that she was unhappy over. If she turned around tomorrow and wanted to reconcile, i don't think I would for the exact reasons you've said.