lizzy757 Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 My b/f finished our 2 year relationship 2 weeks ago. He has a lot of stress in his life because he has just found out he needs a shoulder replacement and this will affect his future career, which he is struggling to accept. He is also very big into exercising, which he hasn't been able to do because of his injury. This has meant that he has put on weight and he now feels very bad about the way he looks and this affected our physical relationship. Anyway, before we split up, I was trying to be as supportive as possible because I love him, but I could see him sinking lower and lower. Then one morning he started an argument over something very small which escalated into a huge row and ended with me walking out. He wouldn't talk to me for the next two days and then I got a letter (normal pattern) saying that he hated himself at the moment and if he couldn't love himself then he couldn't let me love him. He said he was better off on his own until he can accept his future and that I shouldn't try to pull things back together. I did contact him after a week when I sent him a text saying that I understood and if he wanted to talk, he knew where I was. He said he didn't and we haven't spoken since (10 days NC). This has happened a few times in the past, when he has finished things and then come back a few weeks later saying he has made a mistake. What should I do? Should I leave him to sort his head out on his own and hope that he comes back or should I gently contact him and see if we can speak to each other. I really love him and although we have had our hard times coping with these dark moods he gets into, I would stand by him through thick and thin.
Don Ho Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I think regardless of the issue or his problems, you should not contact him. While you might see it as being supportive (a rationalization) if I were him I would just see it as one more issue that I wouldn't want to deal with and it adding to my stress. I also suspect that there's more going on about why he broke up with you other than his medical issues. You need to think about that one. I would give it at least two weeks of NC. He also sounds very depressed and could use some counseling and medication to help him get through this time. But that is HIS issue not yours to deal with (even though you want to be supportive). So. NC and leave it alone for now. Good luck.
goodgrief Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 Listen carefully, this is what he's telling you: I'm not a person who can very easily give of myself, but I take when I need it. Right now, I am going to keep you at arm's length, because having to deal with my problems, AND consider your role and needs in the relationship is not something I can do, so when it comes to tending to my needs first, or yours, I'm picking mine. Keep out of my way, and when I am ready to reel you back in, and use your affection for me as some kind of support and comfort, I will tell you. Don't call us, we'll call you. Thanks. Ok, tell me, are you happy with that, or is there something you would like to see change, like maybe you begin putting your needs first? Look at , who is happily married, and in love with his wife, and tell me what is wrong with your partner, then?
Don Ho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Goodgrief: yep that pretty much summarized it all!
Sambo Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 You can't solve anyone else s problems for them. Sounds like this man is 12 years old and very immature and playing games. Do Not contact him or you will be his pissing tree for the rest of your life. Take a stand and demand RESPECT and appreciation.
Author lizzy757 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Thanks for your responses guys. I know that I need to maintain my self respect and if I make the call I will lose it straight away. I'm pretty sure my NC will be making him wonder what I am up to and thinking. I switch between being so angry that everything is on his terms and I have to just sit and wait for him to decide, to feeling really upset that he has just pushed me away. I don't get that. I'm feeling stronger today after reading your posts. I just hope that I have a day with no tears.
goodgrief Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 I switch between being so angry that everything is on his terms and I have to just sit and wait for him to decide, to feeling really upset that he has just pushed me away. I don't get that. Do you get that if you go No Contact then what you are effectively doing is calling a halt to all of this? You do get that, don't you? You do understand the whole point of No Contact is No Relationship? You don't have to just sit and wait' for anything. Let him do that, now. You stand up and go get! he has pushed you away once too often! You cannot keep bouncing back and forth like a ball on a string, just waiting for the bat to hit, time and time again! You have to make a determined decision that once and for all, you are calling this shot, and this shot is the last one in the barrel. I'm feeling stronger today after reading your posts. I just hope that I have a day with no tears. If you can, book a therapy treatment at a beauty salon, or get your hair done, or buy some new clothes, or hit a fitness regime or do what I did and buy a dog (or two!) and devote your life to something that will love you back, unconditionally! In other words, be you, for you. Any man that reduces us to tears with their actions, is really not worth the emotion, is he? (BtW, I would say that to any guy, too.... another person who yanks our emotional chain for their own pure benefit, is not a person who deserves to be dealt with, man or woman....) You have to now put your needs first, because it's what he's been doing. Time you got some of your own attention, instead of giving it to someone who clearly doesn't appreciate what he has.
Author lizzy757 Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Good Grief - I love that you kick my butt, it brings me back down to earth. I know you are right and this is not all about him anymore. It's just sometimes difficult when you know where you need to go and you can see it, but you just can't quite reach it. I can feel myself getting stronger though. I just hope that he doesn't come back swearing his undying love to me just yet, as I am not sure I am quite strong enough to bat him off just yet. PS. I went for a run yesterday and my hair appointment is booked for tomorrow.
Sambo Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Good Grief - I love that you kick my butt, it brings me back down to earth. I know you are right and this is not all about him anymore. It's just sometimes difficult when you know where you need to go and you can see it, but you just can't quite reach it. I can feel myself getting stronger though. I just hope that he doesn't come back swearing his undying love to me just yet, as I am not sure I am quite strong enough to bat him off just yet. PS. I went for a run yesterday and my hair appointment is booked for tomorrow. Do you want to get back together with him ? Do you still love him ?
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