I am in hell

[Xiao]

To make a long story short: I am a married woman with a partner of 14 years. I began having an affair with my closest friend's H. We discussed it first and realized that we were very in love with one another. He is also a good friend of my H's and our children are incredibly close. We now live far away from them but spend the summer together. MM and I spoke of a certain future together, money, custody and thought about the logistics. Divorce seemed certain. When I returned to the country where I live with my H, I was devastated. We spoke daily and feelings were even stronger. We were hollow shells both moving like ghosts.

 

I felt incredibly guilty and sad so I told my H. I said that I was in love with him and had talked about having a child together. H forgave me but contacted MM and was furious. I kept speaking to MM. He said he would tell his wife. The lies were killing me, eating away at me and making me feel like a piece of **** human being. Lies are no foundation for a loving partnership. I told him if he couldn't tell her then it was over between us because I can't live like this and lie to my H who was willing to forgive me and work on our marriage despite being so hurt, humiliated and betrayed.

 

I told my friend by email about the affair. I sent letters that we had written to one another. Being in different countries, it was my only option. I received a one line response from her stating disbelief and haven't heard from either of them. I believe that he loves me but they are both likely quite angry and he may never forgive me. It was selfish and impetuous of me but I tend to be impulsive.

 

Right now, I am in agony. I want to die but I won't be so selfish. I don't deserve my H. I am a piece of **** and hurting badly. I saw a doctor and therapist today who put me on tranquilizers and antidepressants because I am such a mess. Believe it or not, I love my friend. I believed she didn't love her H and knew her marriage was miserable.

 

My therapist said she thinks there must be a way for MM and I to be together and thinks I love him. I have known him so long and intimately that he is not just a fantasy. Honestly, my H is easier. He is kind to me, fairly well off, the father of my children and we have regular, good sex. He deserves better than me.

 

Where do I go from here? How can I make anything right again?

[pureinheart]

To make a long story short: I am a married woman with a partner of 14 years. I began having an affair with my closest friend's H. We discussed it first and realized that we were very in love with one another. He is also a good friend of my H's and our children are incredibly close. We now live far away from them but spend the summer together. MM and I spoke of a certain future together, money, custody and thought about the logistics. Divorce seemed certain. When I returned to the country where I live with my H, I was devastated. We spoke daily and feelings were even stronger. We were hollow shells both moving like ghosts.

 

I felt incredibly guilty and sad so I told my H. I said that I was in love with him and had talked about having a child together. H forgave me but contacted MM and was furious. I kept speaking to MM. He said he would tell his wife. The lies were killing me, eating away at me and making me feel like a piece of **** human being. Lies are no foundation for a loving partnership. I told him if he couldn't tell her then it was over between us because I can't live like this and lie to my H who was willing to forgive me and work on our marriage despite being so hurt, humiliated and betrayed.

 

I told my friend by email about the affair. I sent letters that we had written to one another. Being in different countries, it was my only option. I received a one line response from her stating disbelief and haven't heard from either of them. I believe that he loves me but they are both likely quite angry and he may never forgive me. It was selfish and impetuous of me but I tend to be impulsive.

 

Right now, I am in agony. I want to die but I won't be so selfish. I don't deserve my H. I am a piece of **** and hurting badly. I saw a doctor and therapist today who put me on tranquilizers and antidepressants because I am such a mess. Believe it or not, I love my friend. I believed she didn't love her H and knew her marriage was miserable.

 

My therapist said she thinks there must be a way for MM and I to be together and thinks I love him. I have known him so long and intimately that he is not just a fantasy. Honestly, my H is easier. He is kind to me, fairly well off, the father of my children and we have regular, good sex. He deserves better than me.

 

Where do I go from here? How can I make anything right again?

 

In bold, I really hope you strike that far from your vocabulary...you are "beautifully and wonderfully made" (quote from God).

 

I don't have any good advise as this is one of the only sitches I don't have experience in and maybe that's good so you don't get stuck with one of my stories...

 

Not making light of your sitch, just trying to cheer you up....((((((((((((great big hugs))))))))))))

[goodgrief]

To make a long story short: I am a married woman with a partner of 14 years. I began having an affair with my closest friend's H. We discussed it first and realized that we were very in love with one another. He is also a good friend of my H's and our children are incredibly close. We now live far away from them but spend the summer together. MM and I spoke of a certain future together, money, custody and thought about the logistics. Divorce seemed certain. When I returned to the country where I live with my H, I was devastated. We spoke daily and feelings were even stronger. We were hollow shells both moving like ghosts.

 

I felt incredibly guilty and sad so I told my H. I said that I was in love with him and had talked about having a child together. H forgave me but contacted MM and was furious. I kept speaking to MM. He said he would tell his wife. The lies were killing me, eating away at me and making me feel like a piece of **** human being. Lies are no foundation for a loving partnership. I told him if he couldn't tell her then it was over between us because I can't live like this and lie to my H who was willing to forgive me and work on our marriage despite being so hurt, humiliated and betrayed.

 

I told my friend by email about the affair. I sent letters that we had written to one another. Being in different countries, it was my only option. I received a one line response from her stating disbelief and haven't heard from either of them. I believe that he loves me but they are both likely quite angry and he may never forgive me. It was selfish and impetuous of me but I tend to be impulsive.

 

Right now, I am in agony. I want to die but I won't be so selfish. I don't deserve my H. I am a piece of **** and hurting badly. I saw a doctor and therapist today who put me on tranquilizers and antidepressants because I am such a mess. Believe it or not, I love my friend. I believed she didn't love her H and knew her marriage was miserable.

 

My therapist said she thinks there must be a way for MM and I to be together and thinks I love him. I have known him so long and intimately that he is not just a fantasy. Honestly, my H is easier. He is kind to me, fairly well off, the father of my children and we have regular, good sex. He deserves better than me.

 

Where do I go from here? How can I make anything right again?

I can't believe your therapist said something like this.

They should be struck off.

[Xiao]

I don't live in the US. Therapists have different standards, education and approaches here. I know in the US, they listen more than suggest. She also told me not to make any decisions until I am stable emotionally. Wise advice.

[goodgrief]

I don't live in the US. Therapists have different standards, education and approaches here. I know in the US, they listen more than suggest. She also told me not to make any decisions until I am stable emotionally. Wise advice.

 

I don't live in the US either.

There is a global direct on what Therapists can and cannot do.

Therapists are not there to impose their views and opinions on you, if these views and opinions are either engineered, designed or intended to influence you within the boundaries of the issues at hand.

Suggestions and directions are of course, part of the job. But to declare such a thing is both unprofessional and extremely inappropriate.

You have already made decisions in an emotionally unstable state, buy sending letters and communications you had no right to make. telling you something like that ensures you remain in this emotionally unstable state. It is wrong of your therapist to make such remarks.

You are in hell, I can see that, but it is of your own making (It think you realise that too).

 

Shift your focus on where it needs to be.

Move forward, and towards your husband, not away from him.

Even if it is to serve him with divorce papers, cut him lose to pursue a life with a committed someone.

you need time on your own, away from everyone and everything, to sort your brain out. And that includes your misguided and interfering therapist.

[Jilly Bean]

Sounds like your MM threw you under the bus, and is home with his wife working on his marriage. That is, unless he dismissed you as mentally unfit and with a stalkerish crush and has nothing to work on at all.

 

Either way, if he felt like you do, he would have used this as an excuse to leave this wife, and it doesn't seem like that has happened.

[U2RockZz]

have you really confessed your A,i don't mean half truths....cuz it's really hard to believe that he is still there...no man in his right mind would put up with the crap like you....

 

"My therapist said she thinks there must be a way for MM and I to be together and thinks I love him."

 

your therapist needs to get off from the drugs,its high time.....and your H is really too good for you

"with my closest friend"

it seems to be you are more close to her H than her.....she definitely doesn't need an enemy

 

 

 

and finally do not waste your H's time....14 yrs is really awful amount of time to waste on a person like you....get a D....

[awkward]

I know that you are in an emotional state right now and want things to be different than how they are now, but you need to realize that only YOU can make that happen.

 

Right now you are focused on your MM. He is focused on his wife. If you don't make some big changes you are going to end up with nothing. You have already lost your MM, your "friend" (his wife), and you are about to lose your husband.

 

Your husband wants to work things out with you but if you continue to act lovesick over your boyfriend that won't last long. There is a good chance that in six months you will be headed for divorce and your MM will still be with his wife. Even if you weren't lovesick over one of his friends and 100% committed to your marriage, your husband would still have a tough time working through your affair.

 

My advice would be to try and get away by yourself for a short period of time to work out your emotions. This way your husband doesn't have to watch your crying over one of his "friends". If you decide that you don't love your husband then divorce him. Don't be that girl who tries to keep her husband while trying to get her boyfriend to leave his wife. You don't want to be that girl.

 

This is going to end badly for you if you don't crawl out of "hell" and work on yourself. Also, find a new therapist that isn't a friend. Someone who is impartial and can look at the facts and help you properly.

[goodgrief]

I don't think the therapist is her friend, also.

 

In any sense of the word.

 

 

I didn't get that from her post.

I think the 'friend' she is talking about, is her lover's wife....

She had an affair with her best friend's husband, then told her friend all about it.

 

This is what makes the Therapist's input even more unprofessional.

[awkward]

I don't think the therapist is her friend, also.

 

 

Right! But she gives advice like a person who is wanting to support her friend whether it is helpful or not. This leads me to believe that she isn't acting in a professional capacity but more like a "You go girl. Follow your heart and the consequences be damned. It will all work out in the end." type manner. Completely unhelpful to the OP at this point in time because chances are nothing is going to work out for her unless she pulls her head out of the clouds.

[goodgrief]

Thank you for clarifying.

 

So, would you agree with me, that her therapist/friend(!) is acting unprofessionally and unethically in making such statements of encouragement?

I really do find it quite astonishing that her therapist should say such a thing! or am I mistaken??

[Chrome Barracuda]

...The therapist is HIGHLY unethical.

 

She's essentially telling the woman to continue the affair with her friend's husband, no matter who it hurts and who's lives gets destroyed!?!?

 

WTF. who would continue to put the crack pipe in your mouth?

[In_Repair]

...The therapist is HIGHLY unethical.

 

She's essentially telling the woman to continue the affair with her friend's husband, no matter who it hurts and who's lives gets destroyed!?!?

 

WTF. who would continue to put the crack pipe in your mouth?

 

Who?... another crack head, of course. I'd go dollars to donuts that the therapists is/was an OW herself.

 

Then again, we are talking about an unknown country here. A "therapist" in some parts of the middle east would probably turn her in and have her stoned to death...

[sadintexas]

There's not much you can do besides:

 

1) Accept that your friendship is over. She's not likely to come back around looking to revive that.

 

2) Accept that MM is doing nothing to sustain a relationship with you right now. That is over as well.

 

3) Determine if you are happy in your marriage or not.

 

4) Choose to either divorce your H and move on, or truly commit to working on the M. This entails complete NC with MM even if he does come back around.

 

Your marriage should not be conditional on what does or doesn't happen with MM. You have to view that as completely separate and judge it and make decisions based on its own merit. If you choose your M, keep it that way. Don't entertain MM again if he ever comes sniffing back around.

[Lotus Flower]

I totally agree with UROCK - Also seems as though you are trying to get sympathy for this awful situation....You really do not deserve your H and he must be willing to keeps things cool because of the children and the 14 years he's put into it...stop moping around and fix your relationship and grab this secnd chance with both hands!!

 

We all make mistakes in life but you have REALLT crossed the line with your best friend, your husband, his best friend. You've messed up so many relationships and need to now get out of your depression and fix things!! It's your job to fix it not your husbands.

 

As for the therapist - what a joke!

[lilbunny]

Like most of the other posters I agree that what your therapist said sounds rather unprofessional and inappropriate.

 

If it was me, I would try and take some time out of the situation, it might be helpful.

You need to decide if you want to work on your marriage and for the right reasons, not because you feel you owe your husband or to avoid being left alone. Tempting as it can be, the 'easier' option in the short term may lead to further unhappiness down the line. Can it be fixed, or is a clean break best for all concerned? Only you can know that.

 

I know it might seem hopeless now. I think most of us have experienced some black days or we wouldn't be here. I don't have any children, but imagine most parents think they are the most wonderful thing on earth. Think about yours for a minute and how great they are, you made them so you can't be all bad. Try to find these positives to focus on, they won't resolve your situation but might keep you going when it is tough.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[Xiao]

I can't get out of bed. Can't stand up. Dr. gave me tranquilizers to sleep and to mask some of the pain. How could he say that he was so in love with me last Friday? My H knew and life was hell here so I came clean. How can he just let me suffer like this?

 

I don't know how to get out of bed. I am so hurt and this proves that he was full of lies living in some fantasy. I disengaged from life here some time ago because we were planning to live together. Even gave up a job. Doesn't he owe me a conversation of closure?

[Mombot]

If everything went just the way you wanted... what would happen and what would be the result?

[bentnotbroken]

I can't get out of bed. Can't stand up. Dr. gave me tranquilizers to sleep and to mask some of the pain. How could he say that he was so in love with me last Friday? My H knew and life was hell here so I came clean. How can he just let me suffer like this?

 

I don't know how to get out of bed. I am so hurt and this proves that he was full of lies living in some fantasy. I disengaged from life here some time ago because we were planning to live together. Even gave up a job. Doesn't he owe me a conversation of closure?

 

 

First, let's not push to the edge of extremity where you are concerned. You may very well be depressed, needed medical attention, and angry as a wet hornet...but you are by no means incapacitated. YOU are on an Internet forum talking to strangers. So I would assume if you have the strength to type out your responses you have the strength to get out of bed and stand.

 

The MM is only responsible for what he did to his wife, himself and your husband. You are responsible for what you did to your husband, yourself and his wife. Each of you knew the other was married and lying. Each of you knew that what you were doing was playing with fire and fire burns. I am sure he never told you to leave your life hanging to connect with him. That's on you. The job that I am sure helped your family....you gave up.

 

You speak of what he owes you, what do you owe those you hurt? It is time for you to take some responsibility for the mess you are in, then you can start to take control of your healing.

[Xiao]

It was physical and I just heard from MM again. Says he wants to talk.

This isn't over. I know we have a mutual love for one another. I am just impulsive to a fault!

[U2RockZz]

"I know we have a mutual love for one another"

 

then why waste your H's time get a D....and do whatever you wanted to do...at least you are not wasting somebody's time /money/energy........don't you think your H is better off with out you..........14 yrs really lot of time to waste on a girl with no morals

[Chrome Barracuda]

It was physical and I just heard from MM again. Says he wants to talk.

This isn't over. I know we have a mutual love for one another. I am just impulsive to a fault!

 

 

...The most craziest thing ive seen written here on LS, hands down.

 

Even after everything that's happened she's so convinced so strongly in her delusion there's love between her and the OM! unbelievable!

 

Once word gets out about how this woman slept with her friends husband, her name will be mud in the streets. none of her female or mutual friends will trust her around their husbands after this.

 

Mark my words. if she doesnt end this infatuation now. it'll ruin her life.

 

But if she wants to ruin her life on her own believing her own delusion then she should divorce her husband and be done with it. He deserves better than a crazy woman who cannot be faithful.

[torranceshipman]

I can't get out of bed. Can't stand up. Dr. gave me tranquilizers to sleep and to mask some of the pain. How could he say that he was so in love with me last Friday? My H knew and life was hell here so I came clean. How can he just let me suffer like this?

 

I don't know how to get out of bed. I am so hurt and this proves that he was full of lies living in some fantasy. I disengaged from life here some time ago because we were planning to live together. Even gave up a job. Doesn't he owe me a conversation of closure?

 

I think the best thing you can do is accept the situation, and move forward as strongly and as best you can. Everyone makes mistakes, the damage has been done, but you CAN move forward positively, although I know it feels really hard right now.

 

Your MM isn't 'letting you suffer' - this is a situation that more than one person made happen, and to be fair, your contacting his W in an email, and sending all those personal letters between you and the MM to her...was (probably in his mind) very and unnecessarily cruel, and it may have made him feel differently about you. But then again, who knows...possibly he didn't ever mean to leave? Or maybe he did - but getting those communications probably damaged a great deal.

 

But the point is, the damage is done, and you need to move forward, to decide if you still want to be with your H, to do the best thing for you. Please honor your friendship with the W of the MM by not contacting her again and to accept that this friendship is over. You've beaten yourself up more than anyone else could and I certainly am not going to bash you - just take responsibility, and move forward with your head high as much as you can. Good luck.

[awkward]

It was physical and I just heard from MM again. Says he wants to talk.

This isn't over. I know we have a mutual love for one another. I am just impulsive to a fault!

 

Seriously when you figure out he isn't going to leave his wife for you, I hope you then decide to start working on yourself. If not for yourself, for your children.

 

Also, I hope you had a conversation with your husband and provided him with the closure you were so desperately wanting from MM. You wouldn't try to string him along would you? You don't want MM to do that to you right?

 

If you could only see the path you are walking and what your future will look like, I think you would pause and rethink things. Hindsight is 20/20.

[Fight4Me]

It was physical and I just heard from MM again. Says he wants to talk.

This isn't over. I know we have a mutual love for one another. I am just impulsive to a fault!

 

Personally, I think you are headed for an unprecedented disaster that is going to leave two families (particularly the children) the greatest victims of your "impulsiveness." I know you think you know how it will work out, but it's quite delusional to assume the children and extended family are all going to fall in line gushing with joy.

 

I'm no psychic, but I see a mushroom cloud on the horizon.