Quantum_Nuka Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 This is a little complicated so bare with me... I have been with this guy for 5 months, but we knew each other as friends for a while before we started a relationship. He had times where he would need alone time which I find normal for men and I found it would happen when we were spending too much time together. However, it was starting to be monthly. Then last Sunday it happened again... I left him alone until last Wednesday because I couldn't handle the silence. I asked him if he was okay and he said no, he's been thinking about us. He said he is really confused because he doesn't see us together in the future, and that I love him more than he loves me. He also said he takes me for granted and that I deserve better than him. He said he does love me, he wants us to work more than anything but doesn't know how to fix this issue and it would be best if we broke up... (confusing much). It was at this point he started crying, a lot... And shaking. I've never seen a man cry like that before and I think it didn't help that I was crying either (bit hard not to). He said he has felt like this since we got together but didn't know how to approach it with me (and again, started crying uncontrollably and said how hard this was for him. He also said he felt crazy because he doesn't understand why he feels this way). He then said I think we should just be friends. His last break up was bad, she had a child (not his) and she also had mental issues. When they broke up she made it very hard for him and destroyed his self confidence. I find it hard to believe he doesn't love me the same way I love him, I've seen the way he is with me and when he tells me he loves me it's very heartfelt... Then the alone time would happen, not every time he told me he loved me, but I find it would happen when we spent a lot of time together & when he was working 6 days straight (basically when he didn't have enough time to himself). I am wondering if he has some sort of depression which would explain some of his feelings - always tired, unsure of the future, irritable, low sex drive, low self esteem, sadness. He is in his mid 20's. I'm at such a loss on what to do... I've been giving him space, as best I can. He has texted me almost every day since the break up, asking me what's up and talking about our fave TV shows. He said he hopes I don't mind him texting me... I know the advice on that is, just ignore it! But I just can't ignore him He wants me to come round on Friday to pick up some things, I agreed but I want to ask him if we can talk face to face within the next week to sort some things out but I don't know how to approach that either without sounding pushy. How do I go about this? Any help is appreciated.
Don Ho Posted August 17, 2010 Posted August 17, 2010 I know the advice on that is, just ignore it! But I just can't ignore him He wants me to come round on Friday to pick up some things, I agreed but I want to ask him if we can talk face to face within the next week to sort some things out but I don't know how to approach that either without sounding pushy. You know to ignore it, but you can't. You have to. The problem is that you're TOO into him. You're interest level is about 100% and in turn this lowers his interest in you. I'm quite sure you haven't been much of a challenge to him and that's not very interesting or a good way to make him more attracted to you. No, you haven't been giving him space, you're letting him text you!! NO you should not meet him face to face regardless of your "reason". It will only push him further away. There is NO reason to tell him how YOU feel or ask about your "relationship". Continue NC. Do not respond to his texts. He's using you as a crutch and you don't want that. Do not explain it's "all or nothing". Just demonstrate it with NC. If he keeps texting and asking why you're not responding, just tell him "I'm just busy and need some time to figure things out. I'll get back to you soon". THATS ALL!!
Author Quantum_Nuka Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 You're right. I am too invested in this relationship. And thinking I am doing the right thing, I'm really not... NC starts today. It's been a week since we have broken up. As hard as it's going to be I must do it if I want to have any chance of getting him back.
hopeful26 Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 (edited) ...I must do it if I want to have any chance of getting him back. No! You need to go NC for YOU. He's already made it clear what he wants, and it isn't you. "...I must do it if I want to have any chance of moving on." <--- There, I fixed it for you. First words out of my mouth when someone pulls the "I'm just not sure" card? Good luck! Cause I'm off find someone who is! Edited August 18, 2010 by hopeful26
Author Quantum_Nuka Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 So you wouldn't even suggest being friends with him? Even though I love this person, we were friends before we got together and have a bit of a history... Just turn my back on all of that? :-/ I also think he needs help, he has huge emotional issues and I feel like I would be abandoning him if I just told him to go away.
Omar Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 lol ignore this dude and watch how fast he comes running back dont call, dont text, dont initiate any contact and if he calls or texts you first, text him back casually and briefly in a friendly, indifferent manner take 3 - 5 weeks alone without any contact to see if you even really want to be with this guy....if the answer is yes call him up for a casual meet and restart from square 1...he will be way more responsive after having lost you for a month and you will be able to have some power in the relationship people want what they cant have and you being more into him then he is you has ruined the fun for him....let it cool off and be more of a challenge later on if you even still want to be with him
Author Quantum_Nuka Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Thanks Omar, what you said is a real help
Don Ho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 No you cannot be friends right now! Nice try!! LOL. Maybe in about 2 years if you still want to be friends with him. Do not contact him! Go NC for YOU. There's a chance that it might work out in the future, but you really can't count on that and instead need to focus on YOU.
Author Quantum_Nuka Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Well he suggested the friends thing, not me... That's why I asked.
Don Ho Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 Nope! No friends. Then he's just using you to give him support and comfort. Go NC and DO NOT tell him you're not going to be friends, i.e. that line "I just can't bear to be just friends with you so it's all or nothing". Just go NC with no explanation.
Author Quantum_Nuka Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Okay... I've done a lot of thinking these past few days and I feel a bit better, especially since joining this forum and reading guides on NC. Now that I am not initiating text messages, he is starting to text me... I do write back but I am casual with my answers. I also take a while to reply. He saw me online last night and initiated chat, he seems quite miserable which makes me sad, however I am hurting too so I'm not about to cave in and ask to see him. It just amazes me how things turn... You stop speaking to them and they contact you... Maybe he feels guilty or misses me... I don't know. I have to go there tomorrow to pick up my things... I am very nervous about seeing him
Don Ho Posted August 19, 2010 Posted August 19, 2010 Now that I am not initiating text messages, he is starting to text me... I do write back but I am casual with my answers. I also take a while to reply. he seems quite miserable which makes me sad, however I am hurting too so I'm not about to cave in and ask to see him. It just amazes me how things turn... You stop speaking to them and they contact you... Maybe he feels guilty or misses me... I don't know. I have to go there tomorrow to pick up my things... I am very nervous about seeing him Quantum, glad to hear you're starting to do better! Keep putting him off on replying to his text messages if at all. Don't be too responsive. NO!! Just because you're hurting and he might be too, it doesn't matter! Do not cave in and undo all your hardwork!! Yep this is what happens many times when we back the heck off and give them the space they want .... they seem to re-think it. I would NOT go there to pick up your things! Again, I would NOT go there to pick up your things! Get them when he's at work or have him drop them off when you're gone. Besides is there anything that he has that you REALLY need right now? Don't use that as an excuse and don't let him do it either.
Author Quantum_Nuka Posted August 20, 2010 Author Posted August 20, 2010 (edited) I went there... Please, no harsh criticism - I am not wanting to hear it. I just want support and advice... please I went to pick up my things, I needed to see his face and see if he really was hurting... And he is. He feels like he made the right choice, breaking up was what was best for him and perhaps me in the long run. He said he still believes he only see's me as a friend and that it always niggled at him when we got together. He's not a good liar, so I don't believe he was lying when he told me he loved me all those times and that he wanted to be with me. (He persued me too, I didn't make the moves). Can I just ask how can you love someone if you feel this way? He was either lying which like I said, I don't believe, or he is confused how he really felt about me. He said it's not as easy as I seem to think it is for him. He still loves and cares for me, he misses me and wants me in his life... Then how, how is this the right choice? He is seeing a psych. and has been for a little while now... I believe she isn't quite as good at her job as he thinks. From what he has told me, she has basically pushed him into the direction of breaking up... I find this a tad inappropriate and I believe he relies on her opinion too much. I said I feel like I have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me, he said I haven't but he also said he doesn't want to give me false hope in thinking we will get back together... I was getting mixed signals from him at this point. It's like he wants to start over as aquaintances then friends then who knows but at the same time he doesn't want to commit to me. Has someone out there been this confused? He said I was the best girlfriend he has ever had, I am so amazing etc. And it would hurt him if I am not in his life. Is he just confused and perhaps depressed? My mum is a psych. nurse and she believes he has depression and this is why he is thinking like this. Is any one else in this same position? I'd like some help and advice on this please... NC is not an option at this point. Edited August 20, 2010 by Quantum_Nuka
Author Quantum_Nuka Posted August 21, 2010 Author Posted August 21, 2010 Alright NC will be an option... So I will accept anyone's advice on this. I am just so confused on what to do.
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