Should I break it off?

[dorisdear]

I have been "friends" with this woman for many years. I should preface by saying that I am a fairly quiet and a bit off beat person with very few friends and enough issues to put Rolling Stone to shame. At the same time I would say that I can be giving where my friends are concerned and definitely non-judgmental. I have had difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships over the past few years and at the moment I might even say I have no good friends. This woman on the other hand is very outgoing and has dozens of friends. She has a circle of very nice women that she is friends with and close to as well as tons of other people, male and female, that she has solid social relationships with. I have always been the one to get taken to parties by her, for example, or to get introduced to her friends etc. I was also for long time the one that didn't have any money, a decent job or car etc.

 

In the past few years I have worked very hard to start building a career. I am doing much better now. Last year when she needed a job I got her a temporary position working under me while she finished some coursework and got her massage license. She was awfully insensitive. She said thank you for getting her hired, but was rude and pushy, ignored me, left me out of activities I thought I should have been a part of and just basically treated me like I was still the pathetic loser she had to drag everywhere - not withstanding the fact that I was basically her boss. By the time she quit I couldn't stand the sight of her. I'll see her (because her friend's invite me to parties) and she'll tell people I'm one of her best friends, but then she won't ever call me, never pays any attention to my Facebook updates, will exclude me when taking group pictures (not in a mean way, she just doesn't consider me), shout down my opinions in a group, act like an attention whore, reflexively disagree with me etc. My sister, who is very good with people, says I should just cool things off with her so and basically relegate her to "acquaintance" status. I have tried, but her behavior is so hurtful to me that I almost feel it's worth it to confront her just to take some power back emotionally. I have let her use and abuse me repeatedly over the years and it seems like the only power I can take right now is to tell her how I feel and just make a clean break.

 

What do you think? Confront her or just ignore her?

[goodgrief]

Perhaps you could do both.

Write to her, (and give a trusted and good friend {or even your sister} a copy of the letter) telling her exactly how you feel now. Don't be abusive, rude or confrontational. Simply tell her how everything has made you feel, how hurt you are by her attitude, and how you refuse to acknowlege her as a friend, any longer.

Advise her also, that you have given a copy of this letter to whoever, because you wish to ensure a dignified and proper way to conduct yourself. Your friend has a copy of this letter to remind you to behave properly in public.

 

Then be dignified and cut off all personal, direct and unnecessary contact with her.

Exclude her from everything but your peripheral vision.

 

Hopefully, she will keep her response, if any, civil. Because knowing somebody else has a copy of this letter, should also serve to temper her own way of dealing with it.

[dorisdear]

I am not sure I understand what you mean. I want to confront her, not just stop being friends with her. I want to tell her how I feel and hear what she has to say for herself. If I just wanted to ignore her I don't need any help doing that. What am I to gain by doing what you suggest?

[goodgrief]

Confrontation never, but never works.

never.

They become defensive and seek every way possible of justifying their actions by turning the blame on you.

She will do every-which-way-thing possible to turn this around and make you look "the bad guy".

Confrontation would seem to be the most satisfying thing to do, because it gives us the ability to vent, speak our minds and really let rip.

The reality is that it never plays out in the same way it does in our minds. Because we can never factor in what the responses will be.

Two-faced people are also devious.

They can get anyone to believe it, if they say it enough. They even sometimes really believe it themselves.

If you really feel confronting her would have the cathartic, cleansing effect you're looking for, and the closure you seek, then go ahead, confront her.

But I don't think it will do any good, nor will it have the result you're hoping for.

[goodgrief]

What am I to gain by doing what you suggest?

you retain your dignity.

You can drop it and move on.

A frosty silence and being ignored can actually hit her harder than you confronting her.

Losing the public attention of somebody and having them turn their backs on you, does more to dent a person's over-inflated ego than any argument can.

[dorisdear]

I think a part of me was hoping that if I told her how I felt she would see my point of view and treat me better, but she's not stupid. She knows what she's been doing. It's just so depressing because this basically means I have no friends. I was asking what I had to gain by the letter, because I see you were thinking that would be a way to keep her from talking **** about me later a) there is no neutral mutual friend that could hold the letter - they are all her friends and b) she has complete control of them socially so it wouldn't even matter if I tried something like that. They would pick her no matter what I said. My sister suggested the avoidance because it's a way of kind of staying friends with these people and not making them choose, but I can tell by the way they act that it's already too late.

[goodgrief]

Friendship isn't calculated by quantity. It's calculated by quality.

I'd be willing to bet that if she has that many friends. she's either extremely good at maintaining a façade, or they're all as shallow as she is, and a gathering as moths to a flame.

Either of those, or in fact, they are not as sincere as she believes them to be.

 

Have you ever stopped to consider why her manner has changed?

I see a streak of jealousy here.

She resents having ridden on your wings to achieve what she has now. She has success, but it was through you.

 

Please understand one thing:

The confident and aggressive attitude many people display is actually a cover for their own insecurity and lack of self-esteem.

A person who "fits well in their skin" doesn't need to be aggressive, rude, dismissive or hostile, with anyone, because they have dignity, confidence and are self-assured. If she is treating you badly, it is because you have a quality which unnerves her.

I would surmise that you have no idea what that is, or that you even had it.

I'm not belittling you, but "The man who does not think much of himself, is far greater than he perceives himself to be".

I think you are charmed with modesty and generosity, and these have been thrown into your face as if they were vices, rather than virtues.

 

In this case, what I think you might need to do is to remember Eleanor Roosevelt's timely piece of wisdom:

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."

In short - you need to display as publicly as you can, that you are completely disaffected by her attitude and behaviour towards you.

Cultivate confidence, geniality, and dignity. There is no more deserving person than ourselves to be put on a pedestal. When we love and admire ourselves, unconditionally - warts and all - and accept ourselves as perfect in our own eyes, we cannot them be assaulted by anybody's scathing or misguided opinion. Repair jobs are for us to undertake, because we want to change, they're not there to engineer, because somebody wants to change us.

 

If you truly think so little of yourself that you are convinced her friends would not wish to know you, or include you in their circle, think again.

 

If you feel motivated to do so, write her this letter, but keep it as I suggested. Do not emotionally vent, it will weaken your position. Then, withdraw.

I promise, your absence will be noted by those around her. And she will have to be careful in what she tells them. Because they will come back to you, for your version. And if you remain dignified, and discreet, this will gain far more admiration than an hysterical outburst might!

[freestyle]

wow, Goodgrief, that was quite an eloquent post.

 

Not to mention right on the money.

 

I'm going through something similar w/my bff of 10 years, so your advice helped me as well...............thanks

 

(oh, and welcome to LS,, in case no one's said it yet.........)

[vintagecat]

Until I read your second paragraph I was thinking "Keep her, she's a gold mine of connections" but then I read your second paragraph...

 

FWIW I get it. I get the need to vent your piece and to desire a better outcome. I get your pain. I get your need for inclusion and approval from this friend. She had become an important person to you. So I relate this long story to talk about the issues that you are going through at the end. Sorry, it really isn't about me.

 

The story: I have a sister that used to be one of my best friends until late puberty/early high school. She became an A list social butterfly, I was in the B list jock girl group and definitely was not good enough. I tried to keep up for a while but failed to remain her friend in any real way. I was a third stringer, an annoyance, a tag-along. Like your situation her occasional cruelty, exclusion and dismissive attitude had me not standing the sight of her, but because I needed her approval I tried all the harder and it hurt the more I tried. We had a few spats over things like clothes and my personal stuff as she had no borrowing boundaries and lost or ruined a great number of my things but mostly I just took her behavior without starting a war that I couldn't win and because I'm a very loyal and hopeful to point of pathetically naive person.

 

Finally I gave up. I my early 20s I moved several thousand miles away and became the family ghost. I started and lived my own life, built my career without any help. Yet at family reunions, weddings etc. it was the same old thing. She had to be the big wheel, hog the limelight and still dished out criticism (picking at my clothes, hair etc.) and cruelty when the opportunity arose. I couldn't understand it at the time. I quit going to all but the most important family functions.

 

Fast forward many years to when my father died. Within a day of my arrival we were discussing the obituary and like old times she cut me off at the knees and this time I said very calmly, "I know that you are accustomed to giving orders but I would appreciate it if you would let me finish what I have to say." Man you could hear a pin drop in that room. Later she came to talk to me about my "attitude" and since I was long past caring about the outcome and since I didn't need her anymore I just laid out as calmly as I could all that I had been chafing under over the years and that I essentially fled from. I had people in my life that loved and respected me and I wasn't prepared to swallow any more poison pills for her approval. We had a talk. I had a good cry and we agreed to disagree and like always I went home after helping Mom out for a bit and stayed away.

 

And then the weirdest thing. It took a few years, maybe 5 or 6 but she began calling me. She started needing a family member that she could talk to about family things. I had gained clarity from the distance that I had placed between myself and the train wreck that was occasionally my family and surprisingly I was the most like her in terms of life views, interests and socio-economic standing. I took her calls and we are communicating again. The dynamic is completely different because she needs me more than I need her and because I tend to be very careful with my relationships (after that disaster of a relationship with this very sister) it's a slow build toward friendship.

 

Conclusion: All that said, will this be a happy ending for you? Will confrontation work out? Probably not. The only reason that my sister and I managed to start to heal our relationship was enforced contact through family connection and that I had finally quit caring about the outcome other than to maintain some semblance of family peace. Then she came to a point where she needed me in a similar but more mature way that I once needed her. A highly unlikely outcome. Fortunate yes, but unlikely all the same.

 

Confrontation? Even without the need for a specific outcome and only the emotion of sadness over what had happened in the past that I had worked so hard to overcome and spent countless thousands of dollars in counseling over, we still had to agree to disagree. She eventually agreed that she had treated me poorly at times but only in a very generic way so there was no satisfaction of triumph and it took a number of years to percolate enough to the point that she changed her thoughts and therefore behavior towards me.

 

What was it all about? Competition. Why would she bother competing against a person that she had so obviously easily bested over and over again? I still don't know to this day other than it's likely what goodgrief has said, qualities that you possess that unnerve your "friend".

 

It's probably best to just walk away and not look back. Given that you have a number of friends and cohorts in common it's best not to stir up a hornets nest and force your friends through her to choose because you know which way it will go don't you? No need to dump your entire social network, just avoid contact with this person. Choose your events carefully. If she comes to you after avoidance, be sure that you can keep any communication with her as unemotional as possible without a need for specific outcomes. By then you probably won't care enough to even return her call.

 

That said trust is very hard to rebuild even if you should come to some understanding your friendship will likely never be fully repaired. Though my sister and I are in a much better place, I resist her attempts to get us to move to her city because I don't want us to ever go back to the place that we once were.

 

Best of luck to you. Hopefully you can get this behind you. Understand that while it always takes two tango, it's your need for this woman's approval and kindness that is your part in the situation and is no reflection on your worth as a person. You need to take care of yourself and extend her no more goodwill nor be in the path to be walked upon by her. Love, patience and hope are sterling qualities but unfortunately they also get abused by the careless and the world loves the carefree.

Edited August 19, 2010 by vintagecat

[mohdhm]

her personality doesn't just SWITCH for no apparent reason. she may not even know why she is acting bitchy towards you, it is something on a subconscious level. goodluck figuring it out, maybe she is hurt cuz now you are leading her instead of her leading you, i will give you something to read:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-urban-scientist/201003/how-spot-friends-enemies-frenemies-and-bullies?utm_source=getresponse&utm_medium=email&utm_content=Your+Female+Arch-enemy's+Secret&utm_campaign=doctorpaul

 

http://www.doctorpaul.net/blog/your-female-arch-enemy-has-secret?utm_source=getresponse&utm_medium=email&utm_content=Your+Female+Arch-enemy%27s+Secret&utm_campaign=doctorpaul

 

The jist of the links above is that people that act weird do so for a variety of reasons.

[blueyedgrl85]

Your "friend" (though she does not sound like one) has major issues. She sounds so incredibly insecure. She may take you along to these group gatherings because she doesn't want to go alone. Since you got her a job, she must really depend on you more than you depend on her, even though she tries to make it sound the opposite.

 

I think you need to give yourself more credit here and realize that while you are a true blue friend, she is NOT. She is very narcissistic and just uses people and discards them when she has what she wants.

 

You sound very generous and giving. It may be helpful to find others like yourself who you would have more in common with and distance yourself from your "friend" for the time being. Life is too short to waste time worrying about nasty people. Take care!

[spiderowl]

I never like confrontation and I feel it rarely produces anything good. It sounds like this woman did do you some good in the distant past, so why not just relegate her to remote acquaintance status and, effectively, not engage with her at all. What's the point of associating with someone abusive anyway? She sounds most unpleasant and bullying.

 

I think you do need to take back your power but in a different way than you were thinking. You have the power to shut this woman out of your life and deny her the attention she obviously thrives on. You have the power to be better than her and not treat those around you abusively. I'm sure her 'friends' will be only too aware deep down that she might be gregarious and apparently popular, having a big social group, but that she is not a person you'd want to be too close to.

 

I'm sure what goodgrief has said is very relevant too. If she is not ignoring you but actually singling you out for abusive treatment, then she is reacting to something within herself that bothers her about you. It could be envy or fear. She doens't like you being the boss when she thinks she's the mover and shaker. Whatever, she has a problem within her and I can't imagine that she'd suddenly see things differently if you wrote to her. If she was that insightful, she wouldn't be doing what she is doing.

 

As long as you want to exact revenge on this woman, she still has power over you. She's not worth wasting time thinking about her. Instead, choose different friends, go out and enjoy yourself without her, be positive to other people and show that, although you do not have her huge circle of acquaintances, you are a decent person to know.

 

There are techniques for reframing situations that are supposed to help one manage intrusive thoughts. They might help. For example, imagine her face shrinking, turning grey and pathetic and fading into the distance. I guess these techniques are a modern variation on the voodoo doll thing, but perhaps a little less scary.

Edited August 25, 2010 by spiderowl